azombiewrites (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azombiewrites) wrote2009-10-18 01:25 pm
azombiewrites) wrote2009-10-18 01:25 pm
The Magnificent Seven Fic - 'A Healing Process' - 2/3
Title: A Healing Process
Fifteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra's emotions continue to heal but he becomes seriously ill and the other members suspect that it's due to the emotional trauma he’s suffered.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fifteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 22,868
Part Two
Buck and Vin had gone back into the saloon and returned with enough chairs for the others so they could all sit with Ezra. They sat down in their chairs and then looked at Josiah, waiting for an explanation as to what Ezra had told him.
Josiah saw their looks out of the corner of his eye and he tore his eyes away from Ezra to look at them. "It's just like I thought, he is going through a struggle within his mind. He's being torn in two, he wants to change and allow us to help him but his old habits, the way Maude brought him up doesn't want him too, he's fighting it but at the moment it's too hard for him and those old habits are coming to the surface. They’re pushing everything else that he is feeling to the back of his mind and that includes us." He looked back at Ezra, grateful to see the slack features as it meant he was sleeping peacefully.
"I'm confused." Vin admitted. "He wants to change but he doesn't?"
"Something like that, he wants to change, to become a new person but the old Ezra won't let him." Josiah explained.
"But he has changed in other ways before now, why is this so hard for him to do?" Buck asked.
"Buck I am going to ask you this seriously as it may sound funny to the rest of you." He watched as Buck nodded.
"How hard would it be for you to give up women? It would be a struggle for you wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, it would."
"Chris, what about you, it would be a struggle for you to admit that your wife and son never existed wouldn't it?"
Chris didn't answer, as he didn't like to be used as an example but he also knew that Josiah was right, he was showing them how hard it was for Ezra to change the habit that he had lived by all his life. They were all beginning to understand now.
"Add that on top of what he is already struggling with . . ." Josiah left the statement unfinished as he saw the understanding that now covered each hired lawman's face. They all looked at Ezra now knowing exactly what he was going through.
Ezra jerked awake as he felt his Uncle's fist connect and crack his cheekbone, he nearly fell out of the chair that he was sitting in but he felt the strong hands stop him from falling, he sat back until his eyes focused and then looked around to see everyone watching him. He couldn't stop the comment escaping from his mouth.
"What are all of you looking at." He growled at them. Ezra groaned silently at the comment and leaned forward, as he crossed his fingers behind his head.
"It's okay Ezra, we understand." Chris told him as he patted him on the back but Ezra shoved him away.
"It's not okay." He looked around at them. "After everything that you men have done for me and I still treat you like this, I can't even understand why you put up with me."
"We keep telling you why Ezra, were . . . " Buck began.
"Yeah I know, you’re my friends and you care about me." They noticed the sarcasm in Ezra's voice. "I would have kicked me out of town months ago."
Chris grabbed Ezra's jaw a little to roughly and pulled his face towards him, Ezra struggled to get away from his grip but he felt to weak. "That's enough Ezra, I told you that I didn't like it when you put yourself down like that. You, Ezra Standish, are a good person no matter what you think of yourself, you are a good friend who is willing to risk his own life for his friends as they are for you and you would do anything for either one of us as we would for you. You’re a part of this group now Ezra and were a family so I don't want to hear anymore of this crap about us not caring about you. Do you understand me?" Ezra could only nod as the lone tear fell down his face onto Chris's hand, he was shocked by Chris's actions, his words and his show of concern. "Good, now were going to help you get through this Ezra and you are going to let us help you." Chris waited for the nod of understanding from Ezra but all he saw was another tear fall from his eye. Chris pulled him forward and gave him a hug that Ezra did not expect or return.
The others stared with their mouths hanging open, Chris shocked them as much as Ezra did when he showed another side of himself and this was something that they did not expect from him, Josiah and Buck maybe but not Chris. Their expressions soon changed to smiles though as they saw that Ezra didn't push him away.
"Chris, your embarrassing me almost as much as Buck does." Ezra managed to get out.
"He is pretty hard to beat in that area." Chris laughed as he pulled away from Ezra, he watched as Ezra wiped away the other tears that were threatening to fall.
"Now I resent that," Buck spoke up, "nothing could be more embarrassing than JD's hat."
Ezra stopped the jibes. "Nathan have you got something for a headache?"
"You got a headache?" Nathan asked him. Ezra bit back a comment and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, you just told me that didn't you." Ezra smiled as Nathan said aloud what he was thinking. "I'll go and get you something but I won't be able to make it taste any good." He got up and as he did, he took the opportunity to check Ezra's temperature, he moved away from his hand.
"I'm sorry Nathan." Ezra said quietly as he couldn't stop himself.
"It's okay Ezra, stop apologising for something that you haven't got any control over." Nathan said firmly. "Your fever hasn't come down anymore either so I will get you something for that as well." He walked away then and headed to his clinic as he tried to work out what he could do to bring Ezra's fever down.
Ezra pulled the blanket tighter around himself as he shivered due to the cool air, he could see the sun starting to send the darkness of night away for another day and he hoped that it was going to be warm day so the chills could be driven from his bones.
"It's cold out here Ezra, maybe you should go back up to your room where it's warmer." Vin suggested.
"No." Ezra said a little too quickly. "I don't want to go back there, not yet."
"What about inside the saloon then, you need to get out of the cool breeze, you got a fever and this isn't going to help you." Vin tried again.
"Only if we sit near the door." Ezra would only go in if he agreed to that.
"Sure Ezra." Vin and Chris helped him stand up but he was able to walk into the saloon on his own. He made his way to the table that was closest to the saloon doors and sat down heavily in the chair that was facing the outside world.
"I'll make us some coffee so you can wash down that concoction that Nathan is going to make you drink." Buck told him.
"Perhaps a whisky instead." Ezra suggested.
"Coffee Buck, hot and strong." Chris told him. "What about something to eat Ezra, think you’re up to it?"
"I've already taken care of that." They all looked up as Nathan walked back into the saloon. "I just saw Mary and Sarah and they said they would make us some breakfast, soup for you though Ezra." Nathan sat down at the table.
"JD could you get me a cup of water please." Nathan attempted to feel Ezra's forehead again and was able to succeed this time. "Do you have any idea why you might have a headache?" Nathan removed his hand.
"The only thing that I can think of is all the emotions that won't stop going through my mind. There is quite a fight going on up here." He tapped his head. "I have one side telling me one thing and the other telling me something else and I don't know which way to go. I feel more comfortable with pushing you away but I want to change, it just won't let me."
"Just by telling us that Ezra shows that you are willing and able to change, it's just going to take time." Josiah explained to him.
"You told me that before Josiah, just how much time is it going to take?" There was an angry tone in Ezra's voice. "I can't keep going on like this for much longer."
JD returned before Josiah could answer Ezra's question, he handed Nathan a cup of water, who then poured a mixture of herbs into it and handed it to Ezra who just grimaced at him. "You asked for it so you can drink it."
Ezra took it and drank the contents of the cup, he gave it back to Nathan as he continued to grimace at him. "Nathan, you should take more care of your patients, that stuff is going kill someone one day." His comment brought smiles to the other faces that were watching him from around the table. He was glad when Buck also returned with a pot of coffee and enough cups for everyone. Ezra gratefully took the steaming cup from Buck but he had to wait until it cooled down and when it did he drank it in one go hoping that it would get rid of the foul taste that was in his mouth.
"Ezra." Josiah waited until he looked at him. "Your emotional wounds are like physical wounds, they take time to heal, and it’s just that sometimes the emotional ones can take longer especially if there bad like yours are."
"If they don't hurry up and heal Josiah then I am not going to win the battle that's going on within my mind." Ezra scowled at him, no one failed to notice this.
Ezra didn't want to say anymore, he was feeling tired again so he crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down on his arms. Nathan pulled the blanket back up over Ezra's shoulders and arms, it wouldn't stay on though so he placed his arm over Ezra's shoulders to keep it in place. He was soon asleep but the others watched as his body twitched and jerked with the dreams that he was having.
"Shouldn't we wake him up." Buck didn't want Ezra to sleep if he was going to have nightmares.
"Not unless his dreams get worse, he needs the rest." Nathan told him as he felt each movement that came from Ezra's body under his arm. After a few minutes, Nathan no longer felt Ezra moving as he went into a more peaceful sleep but his head jerked up at the noise of Mary and Sarah coming through the saloon doors. Nathan took his head and gently pushed him back down towards his arms that were still on the table. "It's alright Ezra go back to sleep." Nathan was grateful that Ezra did as he was told and was asleep again as soon as his head was placed back on his arms.
"Shh." JD put his finger up to his lips and the two women stopped and then walked more slowly towards the table.
"Sorry." Mary whispered.
Sarah looked down into Ezra's handsome face. "Shouldn't he be up in his room?" She asked them quietly.
"He doesn't want to be shut up in there at the moment." Buck told her.
Sarah nodded in understanding, as she knew what Buck was talking about, she hadn't gotten Ezra's reaction to being in that cellar out of her mind. She placed the tray of food on the table, being careful not to make any loud noises that would wake Ezra up again. Mary did the same thing and they then quietly pulled up some chairs and sat where there was room at the now crowded table.
"How is Ezra doing?" Mary asked Nathan.
"His fever has only come down slightly and he's struggling with a lot of emotions." He looked up from Ezra. "He's not doing too well at the moment Mary."
"Has he spoken about these emotions since the first time?" Sarah asked him.
"Bits and pieces but not enough to help him, he's starting to push us away but he's not doing it on purpose. That's another problem that he is trying to deal with." Josiah explained to her. "There is a war going on within him and he's not handling it very well. It's what’s making him sick."
They listened as Ezra began to mumble in his sleep, Josiah who was sitting on the other side of Ezra placed his hand on his head and began to stroke it. Ezra turned his head to the side but Josiah continued what he was doing until he became quite again. He left his hand on Ezra's head, he could feel the cool dampness of his sweat that the fever was causing to form on his body, and Josiah could also feel the heat that was radiating from him.
"Nathan, does Ezra feel warmer to you?" He waited while Nathan placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.
"His fever is up again."
"Why won't it come down and stay down Nathan?" Chris asked him.
"I don't know Chris!" Nathan had raised his voice without realising it and the loud noise caused Ezra to wake a second time within minutes.
Ezra pushed both Nathan and Josiah's arms off him. "How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep if you are going to keep waking me up!" He growled at them as he rubbed his still tired eyes.
"I'm sorry Ezra." Nathan watched though as Ezra's head fell back onto his arms, he frowned at this and then checked his pupils again. He looked over at Josiah. "He's unconscious again."
"Nathan, what the hell is going on here?" Chris growled at him.
"Josiah . . . " Nathan stood up and helped Josiah lift Ezra. "Take him to his room, I have to give him a more thorough check up." The others stood up to go with them. "No you stay here, I'll let you know if I find anything." But they were thinking the same way as Nathan, there was nothing to explain what was going on except for Ezra's struggle with his emotions.
Josiah carried Ezra's limp body up to his room and placed him gently on the bed, he then unwrapped the blanket from his still form. He stepped back so Nathan could come in closer. "Take his trousers off Josiah, I want to check his legs as well just in case."
Josiah did as he was told and then stepped back and watched as Nathan examined every part of Ezra, still finding nothing that would indicate that he was sick or that some form of injury was causing the fever. "You say that his emotions are causing the fever, would they cause him to fall unconscious as well?" Nathan asked Josiah.
"I've seen people get sick after going through something like Ezra has but not this sick, they didn't become unconscious like this, and they got a fever and nauseas but not this." He went to put Ezra's trousers back on but Nathan took them off him.
"He's not going anywhere Josiah, not until I figure this out." He pulled the blanket up to Ezra's chin.
"What if he wants’ to get out of this room?"
"Look at him Josiah, he's not going anywhere." Nathan repeated, he couldn't stop the anger and frustration from showing in his voice. "I'm sorry Josiah, I just don't know what to do, I don't know what's causing him to be like this and until I can find out what it is there is nothing that I can do for him except to keep giving him the herbs to help the fever but even they're not doing him any good."
"It's okay Nathan, I know you'll find a way to help him, maybe he just needs to talk about it more, why don't we try that when he wakes up."
Nathan nodded but he knew that it wouldn't make any difference to how Ezra was feeling physically as he was beginning to believe that Ezra's emotions had nothing to do with the way he was feeling. Ezra was sick but what from, Nathan didn't know. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, he went to answer it thinking that he was going to have to give an explanation that he didn't have. He opened it to find Sarah holding a tray of food.
"I thought that you and Josiah would like something to eat while you are watching Ezra." She stepped into the room and glanced at Ezra whose only movement was his chest as he breathed. "Did you find anything?"
"No, nothing, I don't know what's wrong with him." Nathan told her.
"I thought that you said that it was his struggle with his emotions?" Sarah didn't like the answer that Nathan had given her.
Nathan looked over at Josiah. "I don't think that anymore." He watched as Josiah nodded in agreement.
Sarah moved around the bed and placed the tray on the table, the two men ignored it. "You have to eat something." She ordered them. They reluctantly agreed and took some of the food and began to eat, they didn't move from Ezra's bedside though. Sarah took the cloth that was soaking in the bowl of water and wrung it out, she began to wipe Ezra's face. "Nathan . . "
"What is it Sarah?" Nathan dropped his food back on the tray.
"His breathing has become laboured." She told him but Nathan already knew, as he was able to tell just by the way Ezra's chest was rising and falling.
"Josiah, I think that it is time you started praying for Ezra." Nathan informed him.
"Sarah could you go and let the others know that Ezra has gotten worse, I'm sure they'll want to come up." When Sarah left the room Nathan sat down on the bed and pulled the bed cover back to reveal Ezra's bare chest, he placed his hand on the warm flesh and felt the difficulty that Ezra was having with each breath that he tried to take. "There doesn't seem to be any fluid in his lungs."
Josiah sat on the other side of the bed, he could hear the ragged breath as it managed to escape from Ezra's open mouth. "Why is he having trouble breathing?" He saw Nathan shrug and shake his head.
They could hear the running footsteps as the men came up the stairs and the door slammed open as they rushed inside. "What's wrong Nathan?" Chris asked as he came into the room, he didn't like what he saw, both Nathan and Josiah were sitting on the bed, Nathan had his hand on Ezra's chest and his head was hung low as though Ezra was . . . he didn't continue the thought, he couldn't.
"He's having trouble breathing Chris and don't ask me why because I don't know." Nathan told him without looking up.
Chris turned as he saw JD leave the room. "Buck go and make sure that JD's alright." Buck turned his head to look at the open doorway and then back at the still form of his friend on the bed. Vin could see that Buck was torn as to which friend needed him the most so he made the decision for him.
"I'll go after him Buck." Vin slapped him on the back and accepted his nod of thanks.
Buck hadn't known where to go, he wanted to make sure that JD was okay like Chris asked him to but he didn't want to leave Ezra, he was worried that Ezra was seriously ill and he wanted to stay with him just in case he . . . like Chris, he couldn't finish the thought that had invaded his mind. He was grateful when Vin came to his rescue. He moved towards the bed and leant down over Ezra and placed his hand on his head, he could feel the sweat and heat coming from his body. "Stay with us Ezra, you can't leave us now."
***
Vin walked down the stairs to saloon, the only people there were Mary and Sarah as it was still too early for the regular crowd. "Did JD come by here?"
"He's outside Vin." Mary informed him, she watched as he went outside after JD. Mary and Sarah had watched as JD ran down the stairs and then out of the saloon, they knew he was upset but neither knew what to say to him so they let him go.
Vin walked outside to find JD sitting in the chair that Ezra had occupied earlier, he sat down next to him. "Want to talk about it JD?"
"Why Vin? He's been through too much already. Why this? What did Ezra do wrong to deserve all of this?"
"First of all JD, Ezra didn't do anything wrong to deserve what he's going through, the people responsible are his Mother and Uncle, as for his being so sick, I don't have an answer to that." Vin had asked himself the same questions, as he was sure they all had.
"Why couldn’t it have been me?"
"What are you saying JD?" Vin had an idea but he wanted JD to say it.
"Why couldn't it have been me that got sick instead of Ezra, he can't keep going through all this Vin, it's gonna end up killing him, I know it." JD stood up, knocking the chair over in frustration.
"We all feel the same way JD, if any of us could take his place we wouldn't hesitate." Vin stepped up next to JD. "He's become a good friend to all of us hasn't he?"
"Yeah he has, I always knew he had a good side to him." JD smiled as he rubbed his eyes dry.
"It took us a while though." Vin thought about how long it did take for the rest of the group to realise what Ezra was really like as a person, they found him to be loyal to his friends, trustworthy and most of all he was a good natured person who only hid everything behind a wall because he was taught to do so. But they were never aware of the emotions that were threatening to erupt as they tried to get closer to him. "We don't want to see him like this anymore than you do JD."
"Is he going to be okay Vin?" JD turned to him.
"I really don't know JD." He took his shoulder. "Why don't we go back up and see how he's doing." He led JD back into the saloon and up to Ezra's room. They didn't look at the two women who were still sitting at the table waiting for news on how Ezra was doing.
They stepped back into the room, the only sound they heard was Ezra's ragged breathing, they all looked up at JD, who smiled back at them to indicate that he was okay. JD moved over to the empty chair and sat down, his eyes took in the pale face that was turned towards him, he didn't want Ezra to die, he didn't know what he would do if he did.
JD didn't move from the chair just as the others didn't move from Ezra's bedside for the next three hours. Josiah kept wiping the sweat from Ezra's face as JD silently wished that Ezra would turn away from him, as he didn't want to look at his pale features anymore. He had tried to take his own eyes away from him but he couldn't do it so he sat there hoping that Ezra would do it for him.
Nathan kept placing his hand on Ezra's now covered chest hoping that the touch would tell him something that his eyes didn't but each time he found that his eyes were not wrong, as the time passed, Ezra's breathing was becoming more difficult. He didn't tell the others, as they were worried enough as it was, there was still a chance that Ezra would get better, he seemed to before but then for some reason he got worse again. Nathan started to think of any reason why this was happening.
Chris stood by the bed, he couldn't take his eyes off Ezra's deathly white features, he was going to die he knew it, he could tell by the way he was breathing and by Nathan's body language. As the time passed Nathan's shoulders slumped even more and his head hung lower. "Nathan is there nothing you can do?"
"No." Nathan's head was now resting against his own chest, he wouldn't look at any of them. "I've failed him Chris, I can't do anything to help him."
"You did what you could Nathan." Josiah told him, he didn't want to admit that Ezra's breathing was becoming more laboured, if he didn't improve, he wasn't going to be able to breathe at all.
"I haven't done anything Josiah, he's dying because I can't help him."
"Ezra's not dying!" JD stood up and came over to the bed. "He can't die, you have to do something Nathan."
Nathan looked up at him. "If you can tell what's wrong with him then maybe I can help him!"
"You don't think it's that poison again do you?" Buck suggested.
Everyone's face lit up with hope but soon turned to despair once again. "No that went out of his system a long time ago, it wouldn't be affecting him now."
"Then what the hell is wrong with him!" JD yelled at him. "Why can't you help him!"
"Take it easy JD." Chris told him.
"How can I take it easy, your all standing there like it doesn't bother you that Nathan thinks that Ezra is dying." He shoved Chris's arm away from his shoulder. "Why won't he help him?"
"JD! Nathan is doing what he can, it's not his fault." Chris growled at him.
It took JD a moment to take in what Chris had said. "I'm sorry Nathan." He hung his head in shame, he couldn't believe what he had just said to him but Nathan didn't answer him.
They all looked back down at Ezra and watched as he took in another ragged breath and then let it out. They waited for him to take in another breath but he didn't, he was no longer able to breathe.
***
Ezra was in complete darkness, he couldn't feel anything or hear anything, the emotions and the memory were not with him, there was absolutely nothing. His body was with him though and he remembered the last time that this happened, Nathan had told him that they nearly lost him. He was dying. Why wasn't his friends helping him, where were they. Ezra began to feel scared, he couldn't die now, not when he just found a new family that did care about him, he couldn't do this to them. He was beginning to find it harder to breath, he wanted to cry out but couldn't get enough air into his lungs to do it. He thought that each breath he took would be his last and then it happened, he felt the last of the air leave his lungs.
Ezra waited for the next breath to come but it didn't, he struggled to get his lungs working but they wouldn't, he then felt something hit his chest hard, he didn't feel any pain. Things were becoming even darker and he couldn't think anymore, everything was leaving him, then everything was gone, there was nothing, no thoughts, just darkness and silence. Something hit him again but Ezra didn't know as he was no longer there, then a third time, a fourth time and suddenly the air rushed into Ezra's deprived lungs.
***
Nathan pulled the pillow out from under Ezra allowing his head to fall onto the mattress, he tore the bed cover off his chest, and Ezra’s arms fell limply to his sides. Nathan then straightened Ezra's head so he was looking down into the face of death. The room jumped when Nathan's fist slammed against Ezra's chest and then flinched when he hit him a second time. "Breath damn it Ezra!" Nathan yelled into the slack face.
They held their own breaths as they realised what Nathan was doing. His fist slammed against Ezra's chest a third time. "Ezra breath! Ezra!" Nathan continued to yell at him hoping his voice alone would get Ezra to take the life saving breath that he required. He put more force behind his body as he brought his fist down against Ezra's chest for a fourth time and they watched as Ezra gulped in the air that his lungs so desperately needed to keep him alive. As he kept, gasping for breath Nathan leant down close to him and used his hand to stroke Ezra's face.
"Breath normally Ezra, try to calm down and breath normally." He continued to stroke Ezra's face as he talked to him.
"Your okay now Ezra, just take it easy." It was another five minutes until his breathing steadied, it was still laboured but at least he was breathing. Nathan kept his hand on Ezra's rising chest, he looked up at Chris and smiled.
Chris smiled back at Nathan. "How are you going to explain the bruise that he's going to get?" He didn't know what else to say, Ezra had just died and Nathan brought him back.
Nathan looked back down at Ezra's chest and lifted his hand, he saw the growing red mark caused by his fist hitting him, and it was going to turn into a nasty bruise. "I'm not, you are." Nathan's voice was shaking with the emotions that he was feeling. "He actually died Chris, Ezra died." He couldn't believe what just happened, he wouldn't take his hand away from Ezra's chest, he needed the reassurance that he was breathing again and was going to continue to do so.
"Damn Nathan. What did you just do?" Buck asked.
"I got him breathing again, he died Buck." Nathan had surprised himself, he also couldn't stop repeating what he said.
"He died." He laughed lightly at this to try to relieve some of the tension that he was feeling, Chris and Buck joined him. Vin and Josiah were still looking at Ezra with shocked expressions on their faces.
"How can you joke about this!" JD couldn't understand it. "You just said it yourself Nathan, Ezra died!" He looked around at the shocked faces and then back down at Ezra.
"Yes he nearly did, he stopped breathing but he's back now." Buck ran a hand through his hair in frustration, he now knew how Ezra felt when he thought that he was killed by Horrow's son. He walked around the bed and stood in front of JD and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. They burst out laughing at the tears that they saw in each other’s eyes, and they allowed the tears of relief to flow freely, the other men subconsciously wiped their faces, surprised to find their cheeks wet with their own tears
Nathan turned back to Ezra and placed his hand back on his face, he had nearly died himself when Ezra didn't take another breath, he had hesitated and thought that it would cost Ezra his life, but he reacted quicker than he realised. He felt the slight movements beneath his hand that indicated that Ezra was returning to them, he was regaining consciousness. Nathan's tear fell onto Ezra's cheek and he used his gentle touch to wipe it away.
***
Ezra started to feel the pain in his chest as his lungs began to fill with air, he could hear Nathan talking to him and he tried to do as he was told, but he panicked. He was terrified that he would stop breathing again so he tried to take in as much air as he could but after a few minutes, he realised that he wasn't going to stop again and calmed his breathing down. He then began to hear other voices and then laughter. All his senses were coming back, he could feel everything now, he could feel his lungs still struggling to take in each breath and now for some reason it hurt to breath.
He tried to say something but all that came out was another breath. He gave himself another couple of minutes before he tried again. This time his head moved and as it did, he finally felt the hand that was on it. He groaned thinking that the owner of the hand would think he was moving away from them but they must have understood as the hand stayed against his face as he moved. He was grateful for the touch as it meant that they were there with him like he wanted them to be, he wasn't alone, he didn't die alone, his friends hadn't left him. 'Died', the thought echoed in his mind.
***
Ezra's groan broke through the now silent room and it was the best thing that they had heard in a long time. Nathan still had his hand against Ezra's face when his head rolled to the side and he made sure that his hand stayed against his warm face, he hoped that his touch gave him some sort of comfort and that he wasn't try to move away from the concern. "When you’re ready Ezra, don't force yourself to wake up." Nathan ran his hand across Ezra's forehead, feeling the fever that was building back up again, he continued to use his hand to wipe Ezra's face, he had to make sure that Ezra knew he was there with him, that he wasn't alone.
Nathan watched as Ezra took in a quick intake of breath and then his eyes opened, they were unseeing for a few minutes but then he began to focus on those around him.
"Why is everyone crying . . . I thought that was . . . my area." Ezra gasped as he still struggled to get air into his lungs.
Nathan leaned into Ezra's line of vision, his hand feeling Ezra's slack features change into a frown. "Because you just died Ezra but we managed to get you back." Ezra didn't seem to be listening though, he didn't react to what Nathan had just told him..
"You did it Nathan." Josiah patted him on the back and then smiled down at Ezra.
"Why does . . . my chest . . . hurt like hell." Ezra was still finding it hard to breath.
"Stop talking Ezra, just keep breathing, that's all I want you to do right now." Nathan ordered him.
Ezra nodded and closed his eyes as he drifted off into a troubled sleep. Ezra's memory continued to haunt his tormented mind and the need to shut everyone out was trying to get its strength back, the fact that he had died changed nothing but it did add something else to the darkness of his memory, the fear that it would bring his last breath.
His friends continued to watch him and talk to him hoping that they would be able to calm him down with their voices and words, but nothing was helping him. They listed to his mutterings as he tossed and turned in the bed and their hearts went out to him. They had tried to wipe the sweat from his face but he constantly tore his head away from them. They wanted do anything they could to stop them but they couldn't, they even asked Nathan to wake him up but he wouldn't, the reason given was that Ezra needed the rest, he wouldn't get better if they kept him awake all the time.
Nathan had covered Ezra's chest back up so he didn't have to look at the forming bruise that he caused him but Ezra kept trying to push the blanket off his fevered body. Nathan didn't move from the bed as he continued to watch Ezra breath hoping for any sign that it was becoming easier for him, he also watched as the other men took turns sitting on the other side of the bed and try to calm the gambler down but they couldn't help him. They weren't able to penetrate his dreams. He had refused their requests to wake Ezra, he didn't want to see him go through this but it would only be a waste of time waking Ezra up, the others didn't seem to realise that he would only fall asleep again and the dreams would continue.
It had been another long two hours before Nathan noticed an improvement in Ezra's breathing, it wasn't long after that that Ezra woke again. He was torn from his sleep by a scream that escaped his throat. Nathan took his shaking shoulders and eased him back down onto his bed. Chris was taking his turn on the other side of the bed and he placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.
"Make them go away, please." They could all hear the pleading in Ezra's voice.
"We'll do our best to help you Ezra." Nathan told him. Ezra opened his eyes as the voice broke into his clouded mind.
"Nathan, Chris?" He looked from one to the other.
"Yeah it's us." Chris assured him. He wiped the sweat soaked hair away from Ezra's forehead and continued to do it once the hair stopped falling back down. Ezra needed them all now and most of all he needed to see their concern, it was something that was going to help him get through it.
"Ezra I want you to drink some of this before you go back to sleep." Nathan had taken a cup off the small table that was next to his bed.
"No." Ezra frowned at Nathan and moved away from the cup and Chris's hand.
"It's for your fever Ezra." Nathan explained to him.
"No." Ezra repeated. "You put something in that stuff to make me sleep." Ezra remembered how he seemed to feel worse each time he drank what Nathan gave him.
It was Nathan's turn to frown. "No I didn't Ezra, it's just for your fever, nothing else."
"It makes me feel sick Nathan." Ezra tried to roll onto his side and turn his back to Nathan but Chris pushed his weak body back over.
"Ezra will you just do as your told." Chris growled at him, he didn't want to get angry at him, not after what had happened but he needed to drink what Nathan had made for him or he wasn't going to get better.
Nathan brought the cup up to his own nose and took a deep breath, he frowned and then took a mouthful of the mixture and then spat it back into the cup. "Oh no." He groaned.
"I told you it tasted terrible didn't I." Ezra told him.
"What's wrong Nathan?" Josiah asked as he saw the shock replace the determination that had been ready to force Ezra to drink what was in the cup.
"It was me, I killed him." Nathan looked from the cup to Ezra and saw the confused expression on the gambler's face before his eyelids fluttered closed as he fell back to sleep.
"What are you talking about Nathan?" Chris was becoming frustrated at Nathan's lack of a real explanation as to what he was talking about.
"There's got to be something wrong with the herbs, this must be what's been making Ezra so ill, I nearly killed him by making him drink it." Nathan confessed. "And if I forced him to drink this one I wouldn't have been able to keep him alive." Nathan shook his head in disgust. "How could I have been so stupid!"
Buck quickly took the cup from Nathan's shaking hands, he could see the shock that was on the healer's face, he had heard what he said about the herbs but found it hard to believe. Buck looked down into Ezra's face, if hadn't refused to drink the liquid he would have died again and Nathan would not have been able to help him. He suddenly felt sick to the stomach.
Nathan couldn't stop shaking at the realisation of what he had done to his friend, when Ezra needed him the most he had almost killed him. "How could I not have known." It all began to make sense to him now. "Ezra always got worse after he drank this." He looked over at Chris. "Outside on the porch, he came up to his room after and his fever went up, he lost consciousness, and then while he was up here, his fever got worse again." He watched as the understanding filled the room. "And then this morning after he drunk it, he got sicker, I made that one stronger than the others." Nathan rubbed his eyes. "I killed him Chris."
"But you also saved him Nathan, it wasn't your fault." Chris rubbed Nathan's shoulder. "You found out in time."
"Only because Ezra was his usual stubborn self, if he hadn't refused to drink it he would . . . " He got off the bed and stormed out of the room. Josiah took one look at Ezra to reassure himself that he was okay and left to go after Nathan.
"There are a lot of emotions flying around this room at the moment." Buck commented trying to take his mind off the nauseas feeling that was still in his stomach.
***
Mary looked up from the table that she and Sarah were still sitting at, they hadn't left since the other men had run up to Ezra's room that morning. She saw Nathan coming down the stairs, his body shaking and a shocked expression on his face. Mary's eyes instantly filled with tears, she got up and stepped in front of Nathan blocking his exit from the saloon.
"Nathan is Ezra . . .?"
Nathan looked up into Mary's eyes and realised what he must have made her think, he took control of himself. "No Mary, Ezra's fine." He made to move away.
"Then what's wrong? Something’s wrong, I can tell." Sarah got up and joined Mary as she questioned Nathan.
"Nathan." He turned as he heard Josiah's voice behind him. "Why don't we sit down and explain to the ladies what happened."
They moved as one back to the table and sat down. Nathan took a deep breath and then told Mary and Sarah about the herbs and how they had caused Ezra to become so ill, that they had actually stopped him breathing. They were shocked at what they heard but kept their silence until Nathan had finished.
"Ezra did die then?" Mary couldn't stop the tears from falling at the thought of the man whom she'd come to respect so much, had come so close to death again. "It's not your fault Nathan." She could see the guilt that was on his face.
"I keep trying to tell myself that but I should have known, I should have done more for him."
"Nathan, it's done now, you’re not going to do Ezra any good if you allow your guilt to stop you from taking care of him. He needs all of us Nathan, especially you." Josiah's voice took on a more forceful tone. "I want you to go back up there and take care of him, we can deal with what you are going through later."
"Josiah!" Mary was shocked that he would not show Nathan any compassion.
"I'm sorry Mary, but what Ezra is going through at the moment is a lot worse than Nathan's self-pity. Ezra died, yes, but Nathan got him breathing again." He turned back to match Nathan's stare. "That's what you should be concentrating on Nathan, not that he died but the fact that you saved his life."
"He's right Mary, Ezra is going through Hell and all I can do is sit down here feeling sorry for myself." Nathan slowly got up but felt Mary's hand on his arm.
"I don't think Ezra would mind if you took care of yourself for a few minutes Nathan." She smiled up at him.
"Thanks Mary." Nathan walked away and back up to Ezra's room.
"Speaking of looking after ourselves, we didn't eat much this morning and now that Ezra is getting better . . ." Josiah started but was interrupted.
"Say no more Josiah, food is on the way. Come on Mary." Sarah dragged her up from her chair knowing that they were both grateful to finally have something that they could do for the group of men who had become so close over the last ten months.
Josiah smiled as he watched the two women leave, he was also grateful but for different reasons, he was grateful that Ezra finally had people in his life that cared deeply for him. He was going to have to make sure that Ezra was aware of this when he was better both physically and emotionally. He made his own way back to Ezra's room.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Master Fan Fiction List
Fifteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra's emotions continue to heal but he becomes seriously ill and the other members suspect that it's due to the emotional trauma he’s suffered.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fifteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 22,868
Part Two
Buck and Vin had gone back into the saloon and returned with enough chairs for the others so they could all sit with Ezra. They sat down in their chairs and then looked at Josiah, waiting for an explanation as to what Ezra had told him.
Josiah saw their looks out of the corner of his eye and he tore his eyes away from Ezra to look at them. "It's just like I thought, he is going through a struggle within his mind. He's being torn in two, he wants to change and allow us to help him but his old habits, the way Maude brought him up doesn't want him too, he's fighting it but at the moment it's too hard for him and those old habits are coming to the surface. They’re pushing everything else that he is feeling to the back of his mind and that includes us." He looked back at Ezra, grateful to see the slack features as it meant he was sleeping peacefully.
"I'm confused." Vin admitted. "He wants to change but he doesn't?"
"Something like that, he wants to change, to become a new person but the old Ezra won't let him." Josiah explained.
"But he has changed in other ways before now, why is this so hard for him to do?" Buck asked.
"Buck I am going to ask you this seriously as it may sound funny to the rest of you." He watched as Buck nodded.
"How hard would it be for you to give up women? It would be a struggle for you wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, it would."
"Chris, what about you, it would be a struggle for you to admit that your wife and son never existed wouldn't it?"
Chris didn't answer, as he didn't like to be used as an example but he also knew that Josiah was right, he was showing them how hard it was for Ezra to change the habit that he had lived by all his life. They were all beginning to understand now.
"Add that on top of what he is already struggling with . . ." Josiah left the statement unfinished as he saw the understanding that now covered each hired lawman's face. They all looked at Ezra now knowing exactly what he was going through.
Ezra jerked awake as he felt his Uncle's fist connect and crack his cheekbone, he nearly fell out of the chair that he was sitting in but he felt the strong hands stop him from falling, he sat back until his eyes focused and then looked around to see everyone watching him. He couldn't stop the comment escaping from his mouth.
"What are all of you looking at." He growled at them. Ezra groaned silently at the comment and leaned forward, as he crossed his fingers behind his head.
"It's okay Ezra, we understand." Chris told him as he patted him on the back but Ezra shoved him away.
"It's not okay." He looked around at them. "After everything that you men have done for me and I still treat you like this, I can't even understand why you put up with me."
"We keep telling you why Ezra, were . . . " Buck began.
"Yeah I know, you’re my friends and you care about me." They noticed the sarcasm in Ezra's voice. "I would have kicked me out of town months ago."
Chris grabbed Ezra's jaw a little to roughly and pulled his face towards him, Ezra struggled to get away from his grip but he felt to weak. "That's enough Ezra, I told you that I didn't like it when you put yourself down like that. You, Ezra Standish, are a good person no matter what you think of yourself, you are a good friend who is willing to risk his own life for his friends as they are for you and you would do anything for either one of us as we would for you. You’re a part of this group now Ezra and were a family so I don't want to hear anymore of this crap about us not caring about you. Do you understand me?" Ezra could only nod as the lone tear fell down his face onto Chris's hand, he was shocked by Chris's actions, his words and his show of concern. "Good, now were going to help you get through this Ezra and you are going to let us help you." Chris waited for the nod of understanding from Ezra but all he saw was another tear fall from his eye. Chris pulled him forward and gave him a hug that Ezra did not expect or return.
The others stared with their mouths hanging open, Chris shocked them as much as Ezra did when he showed another side of himself and this was something that they did not expect from him, Josiah and Buck maybe but not Chris. Their expressions soon changed to smiles though as they saw that Ezra didn't push him away.
"Chris, your embarrassing me almost as much as Buck does." Ezra managed to get out.
"He is pretty hard to beat in that area." Chris laughed as he pulled away from Ezra, he watched as Ezra wiped away the other tears that were threatening to fall.
"Now I resent that," Buck spoke up, "nothing could be more embarrassing than JD's hat."
Ezra stopped the jibes. "Nathan have you got something for a headache?"
"You got a headache?" Nathan asked him. Ezra bit back a comment and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, you just told me that didn't you." Ezra smiled as Nathan said aloud what he was thinking. "I'll go and get you something but I won't be able to make it taste any good." He got up and as he did, he took the opportunity to check Ezra's temperature, he moved away from his hand.
"I'm sorry Nathan." Ezra said quietly as he couldn't stop himself.
"It's okay Ezra, stop apologising for something that you haven't got any control over." Nathan said firmly. "Your fever hasn't come down anymore either so I will get you something for that as well." He walked away then and headed to his clinic as he tried to work out what he could do to bring Ezra's fever down.
Ezra pulled the blanket tighter around himself as he shivered due to the cool air, he could see the sun starting to send the darkness of night away for another day and he hoped that it was going to be warm day so the chills could be driven from his bones.
"It's cold out here Ezra, maybe you should go back up to your room where it's warmer." Vin suggested.
"No." Ezra said a little too quickly. "I don't want to go back there, not yet."
"What about inside the saloon then, you need to get out of the cool breeze, you got a fever and this isn't going to help you." Vin tried again.
"Only if we sit near the door." Ezra would only go in if he agreed to that.
"Sure Ezra." Vin and Chris helped him stand up but he was able to walk into the saloon on his own. He made his way to the table that was closest to the saloon doors and sat down heavily in the chair that was facing the outside world.
"I'll make us some coffee so you can wash down that concoction that Nathan is going to make you drink." Buck told him.
"Perhaps a whisky instead." Ezra suggested.
"Coffee Buck, hot and strong." Chris told him. "What about something to eat Ezra, think you’re up to it?"
"I've already taken care of that." They all looked up as Nathan walked back into the saloon. "I just saw Mary and Sarah and they said they would make us some breakfast, soup for you though Ezra." Nathan sat down at the table.
"JD could you get me a cup of water please." Nathan attempted to feel Ezra's forehead again and was able to succeed this time. "Do you have any idea why you might have a headache?" Nathan removed his hand.
"The only thing that I can think of is all the emotions that won't stop going through my mind. There is quite a fight going on up here." He tapped his head. "I have one side telling me one thing and the other telling me something else and I don't know which way to go. I feel more comfortable with pushing you away but I want to change, it just won't let me."
"Just by telling us that Ezra shows that you are willing and able to change, it's just going to take time." Josiah explained to him.
"You told me that before Josiah, just how much time is it going to take?" There was an angry tone in Ezra's voice. "I can't keep going on like this for much longer."
JD returned before Josiah could answer Ezra's question, he handed Nathan a cup of water, who then poured a mixture of herbs into it and handed it to Ezra who just grimaced at him. "You asked for it so you can drink it."
Ezra took it and drank the contents of the cup, he gave it back to Nathan as he continued to grimace at him. "Nathan, you should take more care of your patients, that stuff is going kill someone one day." His comment brought smiles to the other faces that were watching him from around the table. He was glad when Buck also returned with a pot of coffee and enough cups for everyone. Ezra gratefully took the steaming cup from Buck but he had to wait until it cooled down and when it did he drank it in one go hoping that it would get rid of the foul taste that was in his mouth.
"Ezra." Josiah waited until he looked at him. "Your emotional wounds are like physical wounds, they take time to heal, and it’s just that sometimes the emotional ones can take longer especially if there bad like yours are."
"If they don't hurry up and heal Josiah then I am not going to win the battle that's going on within my mind." Ezra scowled at him, no one failed to notice this.
Ezra didn't want to say anymore, he was feeling tired again so he crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down on his arms. Nathan pulled the blanket back up over Ezra's shoulders and arms, it wouldn't stay on though so he placed his arm over Ezra's shoulders to keep it in place. He was soon asleep but the others watched as his body twitched and jerked with the dreams that he was having.
"Shouldn't we wake him up." Buck didn't want Ezra to sleep if he was going to have nightmares.
"Not unless his dreams get worse, he needs the rest." Nathan told him as he felt each movement that came from Ezra's body under his arm. After a few minutes, Nathan no longer felt Ezra moving as he went into a more peaceful sleep but his head jerked up at the noise of Mary and Sarah coming through the saloon doors. Nathan took his head and gently pushed him back down towards his arms that were still on the table. "It's alright Ezra go back to sleep." Nathan was grateful that Ezra did as he was told and was asleep again as soon as his head was placed back on his arms.
"Shh." JD put his finger up to his lips and the two women stopped and then walked more slowly towards the table.
"Sorry." Mary whispered.
Sarah looked down into Ezra's handsome face. "Shouldn't he be up in his room?" She asked them quietly.
"He doesn't want to be shut up in there at the moment." Buck told her.
Sarah nodded in understanding, as she knew what Buck was talking about, she hadn't gotten Ezra's reaction to being in that cellar out of her mind. She placed the tray of food on the table, being careful not to make any loud noises that would wake Ezra up again. Mary did the same thing and they then quietly pulled up some chairs and sat where there was room at the now crowded table.
"How is Ezra doing?" Mary asked Nathan.
"His fever has only come down slightly and he's struggling with a lot of emotions." He looked up from Ezra. "He's not doing too well at the moment Mary."
"Has he spoken about these emotions since the first time?" Sarah asked him.
"Bits and pieces but not enough to help him, he's starting to push us away but he's not doing it on purpose. That's another problem that he is trying to deal with." Josiah explained to her. "There is a war going on within him and he's not handling it very well. It's what’s making him sick."
They listened as Ezra began to mumble in his sleep, Josiah who was sitting on the other side of Ezra placed his hand on his head and began to stroke it. Ezra turned his head to the side but Josiah continued what he was doing until he became quite again. He left his hand on Ezra's head, he could feel the cool dampness of his sweat that the fever was causing to form on his body, and Josiah could also feel the heat that was radiating from him.
"Nathan, does Ezra feel warmer to you?" He waited while Nathan placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.
"His fever is up again."
"Why won't it come down and stay down Nathan?" Chris asked him.
"I don't know Chris!" Nathan had raised his voice without realising it and the loud noise caused Ezra to wake a second time within minutes.
Ezra pushed both Nathan and Josiah's arms off him. "How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep if you are going to keep waking me up!" He growled at them as he rubbed his still tired eyes.
"I'm sorry Ezra." Nathan watched though as Ezra's head fell back onto his arms, he frowned at this and then checked his pupils again. He looked over at Josiah. "He's unconscious again."
"Nathan, what the hell is going on here?" Chris growled at him.
"Josiah . . . " Nathan stood up and helped Josiah lift Ezra. "Take him to his room, I have to give him a more thorough check up." The others stood up to go with them. "No you stay here, I'll let you know if I find anything." But they were thinking the same way as Nathan, there was nothing to explain what was going on except for Ezra's struggle with his emotions.
Josiah carried Ezra's limp body up to his room and placed him gently on the bed, he then unwrapped the blanket from his still form. He stepped back so Nathan could come in closer. "Take his trousers off Josiah, I want to check his legs as well just in case."
Josiah did as he was told and then stepped back and watched as Nathan examined every part of Ezra, still finding nothing that would indicate that he was sick or that some form of injury was causing the fever. "You say that his emotions are causing the fever, would they cause him to fall unconscious as well?" Nathan asked Josiah.
"I've seen people get sick after going through something like Ezra has but not this sick, they didn't become unconscious like this, and they got a fever and nauseas but not this." He went to put Ezra's trousers back on but Nathan took them off him.
"He's not going anywhere Josiah, not until I figure this out." He pulled the blanket up to Ezra's chin.
"What if he wants’ to get out of this room?"
"Look at him Josiah, he's not going anywhere." Nathan repeated, he couldn't stop the anger and frustration from showing in his voice. "I'm sorry Josiah, I just don't know what to do, I don't know what's causing him to be like this and until I can find out what it is there is nothing that I can do for him except to keep giving him the herbs to help the fever but even they're not doing him any good."
"It's okay Nathan, I know you'll find a way to help him, maybe he just needs to talk about it more, why don't we try that when he wakes up."
Nathan nodded but he knew that it wouldn't make any difference to how Ezra was feeling physically as he was beginning to believe that Ezra's emotions had nothing to do with the way he was feeling. Ezra was sick but what from, Nathan didn't know. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, he went to answer it thinking that he was going to have to give an explanation that he didn't have. He opened it to find Sarah holding a tray of food.
"I thought that you and Josiah would like something to eat while you are watching Ezra." She stepped into the room and glanced at Ezra whose only movement was his chest as he breathed. "Did you find anything?"
"No, nothing, I don't know what's wrong with him." Nathan told her.
"I thought that you said that it was his struggle with his emotions?" Sarah didn't like the answer that Nathan had given her.
Nathan looked over at Josiah. "I don't think that anymore." He watched as Josiah nodded in agreement.
Sarah moved around the bed and placed the tray on the table, the two men ignored it. "You have to eat something." She ordered them. They reluctantly agreed and took some of the food and began to eat, they didn't move from Ezra's bedside though. Sarah took the cloth that was soaking in the bowl of water and wrung it out, she began to wipe Ezra's face. "Nathan . . "
"What is it Sarah?" Nathan dropped his food back on the tray.
"His breathing has become laboured." She told him but Nathan already knew, as he was able to tell just by the way Ezra's chest was rising and falling.
"Josiah, I think that it is time you started praying for Ezra." Nathan informed him.
"Sarah could you go and let the others know that Ezra has gotten worse, I'm sure they'll want to come up." When Sarah left the room Nathan sat down on the bed and pulled the bed cover back to reveal Ezra's bare chest, he placed his hand on the warm flesh and felt the difficulty that Ezra was having with each breath that he tried to take. "There doesn't seem to be any fluid in his lungs."
Josiah sat on the other side of the bed, he could hear the ragged breath as it managed to escape from Ezra's open mouth. "Why is he having trouble breathing?" He saw Nathan shrug and shake his head.
They could hear the running footsteps as the men came up the stairs and the door slammed open as they rushed inside. "What's wrong Nathan?" Chris asked as he came into the room, he didn't like what he saw, both Nathan and Josiah were sitting on the bed, Nathan had his hand on Ezra's chest and his head was hung low as though Ezra was . . . he didn't continue the thought, he couldn't.
"He's having trouble breathing Chris and don't ask me why because I don't know." Nathan told him without looking up.
Chris turned as he saw JD leave the room. "Buck go and make sure that JD's alright." Buck turned his head to look at the open doorway and then back at the still form of his friend on the bed. Vin could see that Buck was torn as to which friend needed him the most so he made the decision for him.
"I'll go after him Buck." Vin slapped him on the back and accepted his nod of thanks.
Buck hadn't known where to go, he wanted to make sure that JD was okay like Chris asked him to but he didn't want to leave Ezra, he was worried that Ezra was seriously ill and he wanted to stay with him just in case he . . . like Chris, he couldn't finish the thought that had invaded his mind. He was grateful when Vin came to his rescue. He moved towards the bed and leant down over Ezra and placed his hand on his head, he could feel the sweat and heat coming from his body. "Stay with us Ezra, you can't leave us now."
***
Vin walked down the stairs to saloon, the only people there were Mary and Sarah as it was still too early for the regular crowd. "Did JD come by here?"
"He's outside Vin." Mary informed him, she watched as he went outside after JD. Mary and Sarah had watched as JD ran down the stairs and then out of the saloon, they knew he was upset but neither knew what to say to him so they let him go.
Vin walked outside to find JD sitting in the chair that Ezra had occupied earlier, he sat down next to him. "Want to talk about it JD?"
"Why Vin? He's been through too much already. Why this? What did Ezra do wrong to deserve all of this?"
"First of all JD, Ezra didn't do anything wrong to deserve what he's going through, the people responsible are his Mother and Uncle, as for his being so sick, I don't have an answer to that." Vin had asked himself the same questions, as he was sure they all had.
"Why couldn’t it have been me?"
"What are you saying JD?" Vin had an idea but he wanted JD to say it.
"Why couldn't it have been me that got sick instead of Ezra, he can't keep going through all this Vin, it's gonna end up killing him, I know it." JD stood up, knocking the chair over in frustration.
"We all feel the same way JD, if any of us could take his place we wouldn't hesitate." Vin stepped up next to JD. "He's become a good friend to all of us hasn't he?"
"Yeah he has, I always knew he had a good side to him." JD smiled as he rubbed his eyes dry.
"It took us a while though." Vin thought about how long it did take for the rest of the group to realise what Ezra was really like as a person, they found him to be loyal to his friends, trustworthy and most of all he was a good natured person who only hid everything behind a wall because he was taught to do so. But they were never aware of the emotions that were threatening to erupt as they tried to get closer to him. "We don't want to see him like this anymore than you do JD."
"Is he going to be okay Vin?" JD turned to him.
"I really don't know JD." He took his shoulder. "Why don't we go back up and see how he's doing." He led JD back into the saloon and up to Ezra's room. They didn't look at the two women who were still sitting at the table waiting for news on how Ezra was doing.
They stepped back into the room, the only sound they heard was Ezra's ragged breathing, they all looked up at JD, who smiled back at them to indicate that he was okay. JD moved over to the empty chair and sat down, his eyes took in the pale face that was turned towards him, he didn't want Ezra to die, he didn't know what he would do if he did.
JD didn't move from the chair just as the others didn't move from Ezra's bedside for the next three hours. Josiah kept wiping the sweat from Ezra's face as JD silently wished that Ezra would turn away from him, as he didn't want to look at his pale features anymore. He had tried to take his own eyes away from him but he couldn't do it so he sat there hoping that Ezra would do it for him.
Nathan kept placing his hand on Ezra's now covered chest hoping that the touch would tell him something that his eyes didn't but each time he found that his eyes were not wrong, as the time passed, Ezra's breathing was becoming more difficult. He didn't tell the others, as they were worried enough as it was, there was still a chance that Ezra would get better, he seemed to before but then for some reason he got worse again. Nathan started to think of any reason why this was happening.
Chris stood by the bed, he couldn't take his eyes off Ezra's deathly white features, he was going to die he knew it, he could tell by the way he was breathing and by Nathan's body language. As the time passed Nathan's shoulders slumped even more and his head hung lower. "Nathan is there nothing you can do?"
"No." Nathan's head was now resting against his own chest, he wouldn't look at any of them. "I've failed him Chris, I can't do anything to help him."
"You did what you could Nathan." Josiah told him, he didn't want to admit that Ezra's breathing was becoming more laboured, if he didn't improve, he wasn't going to be able to breathe at all.
"I haven't done anything Josiah, he's dying because I can't help him."
"Ezra's not dying!" JD stood up and came over to the bed. "He can't die, you have to do something Nathan."
Nathan looked up at him. "If you can tell what's wrong with him then maybe I can help him!"
"You don't think it's that poison again do you?" Buck suggested.
Everyone's face lit up with hope but soon turned to despair once again. "No that went out of his system a long time ago, it wouldn't be affecting him now."
"Then what the hell is wrong with him!" JD yelled at him. "Why can't you help him!"
"Take it easy JD." Chris told him.
"How can I take it easy, your all standing there like it doesn't bother you that Nathan thinks that Ezra is dying." He shoved Chris's arm away from his shoulder. "Why won't he help him?"
"JD! Nathan is doing what he can, it's not his fault." Chris growled at him.
It took JD a moment to take in what Chris had said. "I'm sorry Nathan." He hung his head in shame, he couldn't believe what he had just said to him but Nathan didn't answer him.
They all looked back down at Ezra and watched as he took in another ragged breath and then let it out. They waited for him to take in another breath but he didn't, he was no longer able to breathe.
***
Ezra was in complete darkness, he couldn't feel anything or hear anything, the emotions and the memory were not with him, there was absolutely nothing. His body was with him though and he remembered the last time that this happened, Nathan had told him that they nearly lost him. He was dying. Why wasn't his friends helping him, where were they. Ezra began to feel scared, he couldn't die now, not when he just found a new family that did care about him, he couldn't do this to them. He was beginning to find it harder to breath, he wanted to cry out but couldn't get enough air into his lungs to do it. He thought that each breath he took would be his last and then it happened, he felt the last of the air leave his lungs.
Ezra waited for the next breath to come but it didn't, he struggled to get his lungs working but they wouldn't, he then felt something hit his chest hard, he didn't feel any pain. Things were becoming even darker and he couldn't think anymore, everything was leaving him, then everything was gone, there was nothing, no thoughts, just darkness and silence. Something hit him again but Ezra didn't know as he was no longer there, then a third time, a fourth time and suddenly the air rushed into Ezra's deprived lungs.
***
Nathan pulled the pillow out from under Ezra allowing his head to fall onto the mattress, he tore the bed cover off his chest, and Ezra’s arms fell limply to his sides. Nathan then straightened Ezra's head so he was looking down into the face of death. The room jumped when Nathan's fist slammed against Ezra's chest and then flinched when he hit him a second time. "Breath damn it Ezra!" Nathan yelled into the slack face.
They held their own breaths as they realised what Nathan was doing. His fist slammed against Ezra's chest a third time. "Ezra breath! Ezra!" Nathan continued to yell at him hoping his voice alone would get Ezra to take the life saving breath that he required. He put more force behind his body as he brought his fist down against Ezra's chest for a fourth time and they watched as Ezra gulped in the air that his lungs so desperately needed to keep him alive. As he kept, gasping for breath Nathan leant down close to him and used his hand to stroke Ezra's face.
"Breath normally Ezra, try to calm down and breath normally." He continued to stroke Ezra's face as he talked to him.
"Your okay now Ezra, just take it easy." It was another five minutes until his breathing steadied, it was still laboured but at least he was breathing. Nathan kept his hand on Ezra's rising chest, he looked up at Chris and smiled.
Chris smiled back at Nathan. "How are you going to explain the bruise that he's going to get?" He didn't know what else to say, Ezra had just died and Nathan brought him back.
Nathan looked back down at Ezra's chest and lifted his hand, he saw the growing red mark caused by his fist hitting him, and it was going to turn into a nasty bruise. "I'm not, you are." Nathan's voice was shaking with the emotions that he was feeling. "He actually died Chris, Ezra died." He couldn't believe what just happened, he wouldn't take his hand away from Ezra's chest, he needed the reassurance that he was breathing again and was going to continue to do so.
"Damn Nathan. What did you just do?" Buck asked.
"I got him breathing again, he died Buck." Nathan had surprised himself, he also couldn't stop repeating what he said.
"He died." He laughed lightly at this to try to relieve some of the tension that he was feeling, Chris and Buck joined him. Vin and Josiah were still looking at Ezra with shocked expressions on their faces.
"How can you joke about this!" JD couldn't understand it. "You just said it yourself Nathan, Ezra died!" He looked around at the shocked faces and then back down at Ezra.
"Yes he nearly did, he stopped breathing but he's back now." Buck ran a hand through his hair in frustration, he now knew how Ezra felt when he thought that he was killed by Horrow's son. He walked around the bed and stood in front of JD and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. They burst out laughing at the tears that they saw in each other’s eyes, and they allowed the tears of relief to flow freely, the other men subconsciously wiped their faces, surprised to find their cheeks wet with their own tears
Nathan turned back to Ezra and placed his hand back on his face, he had nearly died himself when Ezra didn't take another breath, he had hesitated and thought that it would cost Ezra his life, but he reacted quicker than he realised. He felt the slight movements beneath his hand that indicated that Ezra was returning to them, he was regaining consciousness. Nathan's tear fell onto Ezra's cheek and he used his gentle touch to wipe it away.
***
Ezra started to feel the pain in his chest as his lungs began to fill with air, he could hear Nathan talking to him and he tried to do as he was told, but he panicked. He was terrified that he would stop breathing again so he tried to take in as much air as he could but after a few minutes, he realised that he wasn't going to stop again and calmed his breathing down. He then began to hear other voices and then laughter. All his senses were coming back, he could feel everything now, he could feel his lungs still struggling to take in each breath and now for some reason it hurt to breath.
He tried to say something but all that came out was another breath. He gave himself another couple of minutes before he tried again. This time his head moved and as it did, he finally felt the hand that was on it. He groaned thinking that the owner of the hand would think he was moving away from them but they must have understood as the hand stayed against his face as he moved. He was grateful for the touch as it meant that they were there with him like he wanted them to be, he wasn't alone, he didn't die alone, his friends hadn't left him. 'Died', the thought echoed in his mind.
***
Ezra's groan broke through the now silent room and it was the best thing that they had heard in a long time. Nathan still had his hand against Ezra's face when his head rolled to the side and he made sure that his hand stayed against his warm face, he hoped that his touch gave him some sort of comfort and that he wasn't try to move away from the concern. "When you’re ready Ezra, don't force yourself to wake up." Nathan ran his hand across Ezra's forehead, feeling the fever that was building back up again, he continued to use his hand to wipe Ezra's face, he had to make sure that Ezra knew he was there with him, that he wasn't alone.
Nathan watched as Ezra took in a quick intake of breath and then his eyes opened, they were unseeing for a few minutes but then he began to focus on those around him.
"Why is everyone crying . . . I thought that was . . . my area." Ezra gasped as he still struggled to get air into his lungs.
Nathan leaned into Ezra's line of vision, his hand feeling Ezra's slack features change into a frown. "Because you just died Ezra but we managed to get you back." Ezra didn't seem to be listening though, he didn't react to what Nathan had just told him..
"You did it Nathan." Josiah patted him on the back and then smiled down at Ezra.
"Why does . . . my chest . . . hurt like hell." Ezra was still finding it hard to breath.
"Stop talking Ezra, just keep breathing, that's all I want you to do right now." Nathan ordered him.
Ezra nodded and closed his eyes as he drifted off into a troubled sleep. Ezra's memory continued to haunt his tormented mind and the need to shut everyone out was trying to get its strength back, the fact that he had died changed nothing but it did add something else to the darkness of his memory, the fear that it would bring his last breath.
His friends continued to watch him and talk to him hoping that they would be able to calm him down with their voices and words, but nothing was helping him. They listed to his mutterings as he tossed and turned in the bed and their hearts went out to him. They had tried to wipe the sweat from his face but he constantly tore his head away from them. They wanted do anything they could to stop them but they couldn't, they even asked Nathan to wake him up but he wouldn't, the reason given was that Ezra needed the rest, he wouldn't get better if they kept him awake all the time.
Nathan had covered Ezra's chest back up so he didn't have to look at the forming bruise that he caused him but Ezra kept trying to push the blanket off his fevered body. Nathan didn't move from the bed as he continued to watch Ezra breath hoping for any sign that it was becoming easier for him, he also watched as the other men took turns sitting on the other side of the bed and try to calm the gambler down but they couldn't help him. They weren't able to penetrate his dreams. He had refused their requests to wake Ezra, he didn't want to see him go through this but it would only be a waste of time waking Ezra up, the others didn't seem to realise that he would only fall asleep again and the dreams would continue.
It had been another long two hours before Nathan noticed an improvement in Ezra's breathing, it wasn't long after that that Ezra woke again. He was torn from his sleep by a scream that escaped his throat. Nathan took his shaking shoulders and eased him back down onto his bed. Chris was taking his turn on the other side of the bed and he placed his hand against Ezra's forehead.
"Make them go away, please." They could all hear the pleading in Ezra's voice.
"We'll do our best to help you Ezra." Nathan told him. Ezra opened his eyes as the voice broke into his clouded mind.
"Nathan, Chris?" He looked from one to the other.
"Yeah it's us." Chris assured him. He wiped the sweat soaked hair away from Ezra's forehead and continued to do it once the hair stopped falling back down. Ezra needed them all now and most of all he needed to see their concern, it was something that was going to help him get through it.
"Ezra I want you to drink some of this before you go back to sleep." Nathan had taken a cup off the small table that was next to his bed.
"No." Ezra frowned at Nathan and moved away from the cup and Chris's hand.
"It's for your fever Ezra." Nathan explained to him.
"No." Ezra repeated. "You put something in that stuff to make me sleep." Ezra remembered how he seemed to feel worse each time he drank what Nathan gave him.
It was Nathan's turn to frown. "No I didn't Ezra, it's just for your fever, nothing else."
"It makes me feel sick Nathan." Ezra tried to roll onto his side and turn his back to Nathan but Chris pushed his weak body back over.
"Ezra will you just do as your told." Chris growled at him, he didn't want to get angry at him, not after what had happened but he needed to drink what Nathan had made for him or he wasn't going to get better.
Nathan brought the cup up to his own nose and took a deep breath, he frowned and then took a mouthful of the mixture and then spat it back into the cup. "Oh no." He groaned.
"I told you it tasted terrible didn't I." Ezra told him.
"What's wrong Nathan?" Josiah asked as he saw the shock replace the determination that had been ready to force Ezra to drink what was in the cup.
"It was me, I killed him." Nathan looked from the cup to Ezra and saw the confused expression on the gambler's face before his eyelids fluttered closed as he fell back to sleep.
"What are you talking about Nathan?" Chris was becoming frustrated at Nathan's lack of a real explanation as to what he was talking about.
"There's got to be something wrong with the herbs, this must be what's been making Ezra so ill, I nearly killed him by making him drink it." Nathan confessed. "And if I forced him to drink this one I wouldn't have been able to keep him alive." Nathan shook his head in disgust. "How could I have been so stupid!"
Buck quickly took the cup from Nathan's shaking hands, he could see the shock that was on the healer's face, he had heard what he said about the herbs but found it hard to believe. Buck looked down into Ezra's face, if hadn't refused to drink the liquid he would have died again and Nathan would not have been able to help him. He suddenly felt sick to the stomach.
Nathan couldn't stop shaking at the realisation of what he had done to his friend, when Ezra needed him the most he had almost killed him. "How could I not have known." It all began to make sense to him now. "Ezra always got worse after he drank this." He looked over at Chris. "Outside on the porch, he came up to his room after and his fever went up, he lost consciousness, and then while he was up here, his fever got worse again." He watched as the understanding filled the room. "And then this morning after he drunk it, he got sicker, I made that one stronger than the others." Nathan rubbed his eyes. "I killed him Chris."
"But you also saved him Nathan, it wasn't your fault." Chris rubbed Nathan's shoulder. "You found out in time."
"Only because Ezra was his usual stubborn self, if he hadn't refused to drink it he would . . . " He got off the bed and stormed out of the room. Josiah took one look at Ezra to reassure himself that he was okay and left to go after Nathan.
"There are a lot of emotions flying around this room at the moment." Buck commented trying to take his mind off the nauseas feeling that was still in his stomach.
***
Mary looked up from the table that she and Sarah were still sitting at, they hadn't left since the other men had run up to Ezra's room that morning. She saw Nathan coming down the stairs, his body shaking and a shocked expression on his face. Mary's eyes instantly filled with tears, she got up and stepped in front of Nathan blocking his exit from the saloon.
"Nathan is Ezra . . .?"
Nathan looked up into Mary's eyes and realised what he must have made her think, he took control of himself. "No Mary, Ezra's fine." He made to move away.
"Then what's wrong? Something’s wrong, I can tell." Sarah got up and joined Mary as she questioned Nathan.
"Nathan." He turned as he heard Josiah's voice behind him. "Why don't we sit down and explain to the ladies what happened."
They moved as one back to the table and sat down. Nathan took a deep breath and then told Mary and Sarah about the herbs and how they had caused Ezra to become so ill, that they had actually stopped him breathing. They were shocked at what they heard but kept their silence until Nathan had finished.
"Ezra did die then?" Mary couldn't stop the tears from falling at the thought of the man whom she'd come to respect so much, had come so close to death again. "It's not your fault Nathan." She could see the guilt that was on his face.
"I keep trying to tell myself that but I should have known, I should have done more for him."
"Nathan, it's done now, you’re not going to do Ezra any good if you allow your guilt to stop you from taking care of him. He needs all of us Nathan, especially you." Josiah's voice took on a more forceful tone. "I want you to go back up there and take care of him, we can deal with what you are going through later."
"Josiah!" Mary was shocked that he would not show Nathan any compassion.
"I'm sorry Mary, but what Ezra is going through at the moment is a lot worse than Nathan's self-pity. Ezra died, yes, but Nathan got him breathing again." He turned back to match Nathan's stare. "That's what you should be concentrating on Nathan, not that he died but the fact that you saved his life."
"He's right Mary, Ezra is going through Hell and all I can do is sit down here feeling sorry for myself." Nathan slowly got up but felt Mary's hand on his arm.
"I don't think Ezra would mind if you took care of yourself for a few minutes Nathan." She smiled up at him.
"Thanks Mary." Nathan walked away and back up to Ezra's room.
"Speaking of looking after ourselves, we didn't eat much this morning and now that Ezra is getting better . . ." Josiah started but was interrupted.
"Say no more Josiah, food is on the way. Come on Mary." Sarah dragged her up from her chair knowing that they were both grateful to finally have something that they could do for the group of men who had become so close over the last ten months.
Josiah smiled as he watched the two women leave, he was also grateful but for different reasons, he was grateful that Ezra finally had people in his life that cared deeply for him. He was going to have to make sure that Ezra was aware of this when he was better both physically and emotionally. He made his own way back to Ezra's room.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
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