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azombiewritesTitle: The Search
Fourteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: The seven search for a friend of Mary's when she goes missing from Four Corners but when Ezra finds her, he also finds the reason for her going missing.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fourteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 38,144
Part Two
Ezra was lying down on the bench but he sat up when he heard the footsteps pounding up the stairs. He watched as they reached the top of the steps and stopped in their tracks as they saw him sitting there on the bench looking small in the blanket that was wrapped around his body. He kept silent and waited for their reaction. But it was not the reaction that he was expecting.
"Getting some fresh air Ezra?" Chris asked him as he walked over and sat down on the bench next to him.
"Something like that." Ezra stared in confusion at Chris's profile. He thought that he would be angry and yell at him as that was what he usually did. It's what everyone usually did. They always yelled at him as he never seemed to do anything right.
"Want some company?" Chris continued.
The tension seemed to hang in the air as the others held their breath as they waited for Ezra's reaction. He got up, wrapped the blanket tighter around his chilled body and walked towards the group of men who stood at the top of the stairs watching him closely.
"Where are you going Ezra?" Chris asked from behind him.
"Anywhere, as long as you gentlemen are not there." He didn't hide the rising anger as he continued to stare at the person standing in front of him.
"And where is that?" Buck asked as he stood over him.
Ezra hung his head and sighed. "I really am getting tired of all this."
"So are we Ezra." Chris agreed. He wanted Ezra to talk to them, to stop shutting them out as he always did.
"Then why don't you leave me alone!" Ezra yelled at him as he suddenly turned to face him. "If I make it that hard for you then go away. Why can't you just do what everyone else does." Ezra continued to yell, he couldn't stop himself as all the anger had come to a point where he couldn't hold it in anymore. "They always left me when I got angry with them, they allowed me to push them away. Why can't you?"
"Because there is something wrong with you Ezra." Chris could see that Ezra had begun to shake with anger. "Were your friends and we want to help and we can't do that if we leave you alone."
"The only thing wrong with me is that you won't leave me alone." Ezra didn't want to hear anymore, he turned back and roughly pushed his way through the human barricade and walked down the stairs.
He didn't know where he was going, he just wanted to get away from them but he could hear their steps as they followed him. 'What do I have to do to stop them.' He thought to himself. He stopped and turned to face the six men. Ezra could see the pity on their faces, he heard his mother's voice and he felt the darkness of the cellar close in on him. He suddenly found it hard to breath as the fear hit him. He was not able to understand why he couldn't control it or why it was all coming back to him now. He turned around and quickly walked to the steps of the saloon and sat down heavily on them. He could hear the rats in the back of his mind as they searched for food in the cellar. He placed his hands against ears hoping to stop the noises in his mind but they wouldn't go away, they kept tormenting him.
They watched closely as a distant look overcame Ezra, he walked away from them and sat on the saloon steps and put his hands against his ears as though to block out a noise. Josiah moved forward and placed his hand on Ezra's shoulder.
"Don't hit me." Ezra felt the touch and cringed away from it as he thought that it was his Uncle. That had been the first touch in a month, he was sleeping in the corner and he felt something on his shoulder and woke up to find his Uncle standing over him. He had dragged him out of the cellar and beat him to a bloody pulp leaving him on the kitchen floor. It was his Aunt who came and got him, she returned him to his bed and then arranged for the Doctor. They had told him that he was beaten by some passing ranch hands and the Doctor believed them so Ezra was left there to receive more beatings after he healed.
"Ezra it's Josiah, I'm not going to hurt you." He sat down next to him and moved his arm around his shoulder to try to comfort him.
Ezra snapped his head up, the fear and anger evident in his eyes. He stood up just as quickly, pushing Josiah's arm off him. "Yes you are, all of you are going to hurt me. What do you think you’re doing now?" He looked around the group and at that moment, he hated them for what they were doing to him. "You're doing this, you keep pushing me, making me feel things that I'm not ready for. I'm remembering things that I don't want to remember." The tears began to fall.
"You're hurting me just as much as they ever did. Can't you understand that." He stepped away from them, he hadn't meant to say so much. Now they were never going to leave him be. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" He used his hands to wipe the tears away, the blanket falling from his shoulders. He was now angry with himself as well, he was a grown man, he shouldn't be crying like this, not in front of other people.
Josiah moved closer to him as he seemed to be the only one comfortable enough to do so. They knew he was going through something terrible but they did not realise that they were making it worse. They were trying to help but instead they hurt him more. So they thought until they listened to Josiah's words.
He put the blanket back around Ezra and turned him to face him, he held his arms with enough force to stop him moving away. "Ezra, look at me." He waited but Ezra didn't raise his eyes to him. "It's not us that are doing this to you. It's you." This brought Ezra's eyes up to return his gaze. "You're hurting yourself by shutting the memory away instead of dealing with it." He could see that Ezra was becoming confused and he also felt him shiver under his grip. "Will you come inside so we can talk about it, your cold and I am sure you could use a drink." Ezra continued to stare at him but he allowed him to lead him inside. Josiah could see the others smile as they walked passed but there smiles were short lived.
The five hired lawmen followed Josiah as he led Ezra into the saloon, they moved to the table and sat down and as they did, they looked at JD who threw his hands up in the air and went to the bar to get a bottle of whiskey and glasses. All eyes turned to Ezra but he was keeping his eyes down, he wasn't going to look at any of them. Josiah watched him for a moment and when he realised that Ezra was not going to say anything he carried on with what he was saying to the gambler out the front of the saloon.
"Do you want to tell us what the things are that you are remembering?" He asked him in a soothing tone. Everyone listened as they thought that Ezra was going to talk about it.
"No." Was the quick reply. Ezra was thinking about what Josiah had said but he couldn't understand how he was hurting himself. He never had this problem before he came here and met these men. He was able to take care of himself by shutting the memory away and by pushing people away from him. Once they left him alone he was alright, he was able to deal with things but not anymore. A lifetime of defences had been infiltrated by these men and he couldn't stop them. He tried to push them away as he did everyone else but they were still here, he tried his anger but that didn't help either. They were hurting him by making him continually relive everything instead of allowing him to shut it away.
"That is exactly what I am talking about Ezra. By not talking about it, you are only hurting yourself. You would feel a lot better if you talk about it."
"And how is it going to make me feel better. You are still not going to leave me alone afterwards." Ezra told him as he kept his voice calm.
"Ezra why do you always want to be left alone?" Chris asked him.
"Because that's the way I have been all my life." He simply stated as though it was not something new to them. Ezra took the glass of whiskey that had been placed in front of him and drank it quickly, making sure that he did not return everybody's gaze.
"Well you’re not alone anymore Ezra, you don't have to deal with things on your own. You have friends who care about you now. We will help you deal with what's bothering you." Josiah assured him. It hurt him to know that this man had lived his life like this, he knew that Ezra had friends through his life but obviously none close enough to help him deal with his past. No one should have to go through life alone.
"But I don't want your help. I have dealt with things on my own all my life, I had to , and I didn't have a choice. If you left me alone I could deal with it." He tried to sound confident but he couldn't. The memory had become too strong and he knew that it would be hard to shut it away again but he would have to do it.
"You didn't deal with them Ezra, that's why it's coming back to you now. All the other memories that you also shut out will eventually come back to haunt you as well. There is going to come a time when you won't be able to deal with the memories properly."
Ezra shuddered at the thought and hurriedly poured himself another drink. His hands began to shake and he spilt the liquid onto the table. He felt Josiah's steadying hand on his and he looked up into his eyes. "Josiah, why can't I convince myself that it is concern that you are showing and not pity." Ezra turned to Chris as he heard him mutter something under his breath.
"Something to say Chris?" Ezra asked him.
"Only that your mother has a lot to answer for." Chris growled.
Ezra's eyes clouded over as his mother's voice returned to him, he pulled his hand from Josiah's grip and leaned back into the chair, hugging the blanket to his body. Josiah spoke up before Ezra could shut himself off completely and as he did, he took Ezra's chin in his hand and turned his face towards him. They all watched Josiah's gentle touch and show of concern and wondered how long it would be until Ezra pushed him away.
"Ezra if it was pity we would have left you alone a long time ago just like everybody else did. We don't go away because we care." Josiah smiled at the doubt that quickly replaced the faraway look. "I am showing you concern now." He let go of Ezra's face to see if he was going to turn away from him but he didn't, he continued to look at Josiah. "Do you believe me Ezra?"
Ezra wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. Josiah's words had finally hit him. If it was pity that would have allowed him to push them away. He didn't know what to say, his mind and heart were flooded with emotions. He knew they were all watching him, he wanted to look at them to find out if it was still pity, he saw or if he would finally see the concern that he had longed for all his life.
"Well?" Josiah gently prodded.
"I'm thinking." Ezra quietly replied but they could all hear the emotion in his voice. He heard someone laugh and he looked up at Chris, he should have known better than to think that they finally did care. But he did not see pity or any other sort of degrading emotion on Chris's features. He saw acceptance, trust, friendship and what he hoped was concern. He couldn't stop the tears that began to fall from his eyes so he hid his face in his the blanket. He flinched as someone put their arm around him but he did not push it away, he was to tired. Everybody sat in silence as they watched Ezra break down, they were still uncomfortable but they were not going to leave him. After a few minutes, he lifted his head but still kept his gaze down.
"I've been remembering the time I spent with Jack Standish." He told them quietly. He still didn't know if he wanted to tell them everything. Even after seeing the concern on Chris's face, he still found it hard to change his habits.
"The beatings?" Nathan asked as he remembered the one he had gotten when his Uncle had taken him as a hostage.
"Yes." He muttered.
"But there's more. Isn't there?" Josiah pushed him.
"No there isn't." Ezra heard his mother's voice, he was beginning to hate the sound of it. 'How many times do I have to tell you Ezra, it may look like concern, it may sound like concern but it's pity.'
Josiah watched as a strange expression overcame Ezra. "What is it Ezra?"
"Nothing. I'm going to bed." He began to stand up but felt Josiah's hand on his arm, he pulled away from him. The anger that he felt when he heard his mother's voice was still there. He was so confused at the moment, he didn't know what to do. Ezra wanted desperately to believe him but his mother's voice kept pulling him back and he knew that while she was there he would never be able to fully accept the fact that these men cared for him and were concerned about him. He walked away from the table hoping that they would not follow him and was grateful when they didn't.
They watched as Ezra made his way up the stairs to his room. "Just when I thought we had gotten somewhere." Josiah spoke to the empty chair next to him.
Ezra stepped into his room and closed the door and then leant against it, closing his eyes against the memory and the sound of his mother's voice. They were both hurtling through his mind and he couldn't stop them. His eyes opened as he pushed himself away from the door and went and sat in the chair that faced his window. He wasn't going to go to sleep, he couldn't anyway not with everything that was going through his mind. He gazed out into the night and tried to replace what he was feeling with what Josiah had said.
Josiah had nearly convinced him that they had cared but his mother's voice stopped him from accepting it completely. He wanted to believe him, he needed to. He was tired of spending his life alone and dealing with things on his own. But his mother - he wiped his forehead roughly trying to push her from his mind but she was as stubborn in his mind as she was in person.
He was told that he needed to talk about it but didn't know how that would help, if he told them what happened then it would mean that he would have to relive the whole memory and he didn't want to do that, the thought of it scared the hell out of him. He then remembered Josiah's touch and how different it was from the other physical touch he had received from his Uncle. He had wanted to move away from Josiah but his gaze had held him. And instead of hitting him physically with his fist, he had hit him emotionally with his words.
Ezra also remembered the look on Chris's face when he had looked at him, he saw the emotions and what he thought was concern but his mother tore that away from him quickly and the hope that these men really did care vanished. Maude's comments had convinced him otherwise again as she always did.
He had cried when that happened, he wanted to grab hold of that look of concern and never let go but when he lost his grip, he cried. He had also become angry, at his mother and himself for allowing the tears to flow in front of the men. This time he rubbed his eyes in disgust, he would have to make sure that it never happened again. He had lost control in front of someone, something that he had promised himself as a child that he would never do.
"Why can't they just leave me alone." he said aloud. "I wouldn't be going through all this if they just left me alone."
But another thought crossed his mind. 'It might be easier if you just accepted what they told you.' But the thought was replaced by his mother. 'If you accept it then you are accepting their pity not their concern and then you will never be left alone, they will continue to harass you and push you.'
"Get out of my head." He growled at her as he clutched his head in his hands and rolled forward. She wouldn't leave. He couldn't fight anymore so he sat back and accepted what she told him as it was easier to accept what his mother said than what the others kept trying to tell him.
He had to do something to stop the memory and the feelings and more important to stop the voice of his mother. The first was to listen to his mother that way she would go away and leave him alone and the second was to stop his friends. If anger and pushing them way didn't work then he would have to use denial.
It took a while though before his mother's voice left him and even longer for the memory to retreat to the back of his mind. Ezra eventually fell asleep in the chair and slept a peaceful sleep. It was a few hours later when Buck walked into the room to check on him. He found Ezra asleep in the chair still wrapped in his blanket with his head leaning on his shoulder and he saw how peaceful his sleep was. He didn't want to disturb him so he left him there and sat down on Ezra's bed for a while to make sure that he was okay.
***
Ezra woke early the next morning due to sunlight that was shining through the window into his face. He placed his hands over his eyes but the brightness still invaded his mind. He stood up and winced at the soreness that was in his muscles, he stretched but stopped quickly as it pulled at his injured side. Ezra turned to the bed so he could lie down and continue to sleep as it was too early for him but he found Buck sleeping on his bed. He looked at him and shook his head. With the blanket still wrapped around him, he made his way down to the saloon.
He looked over the railing before he walked down the stairs and he saw Chris and Vin looking up at him, they didn't look away so he did. He made it to the table without falling over, every part of him was sore.
"How are you doin' Ezra?" Vin asked.
"I'm sore all over." He answered as he accepted the cup of coffee that Chris handed to him. He noticed Chris look up towards the stairs. "He's asleep on my bed, that's why I'm down here." Ezra forced a smile.
Chris nodded. "So how do you feel apart from being sore?"
Ezra could feel the lifelong defence of anger building but he knew that it wouldn't work so he held it down. "I'm feeling a bit better." He lied. The memory was still there in the back of his mind and he struggled to keep it there. His mother's voice was quiet but he knew that she was waiting for him to go against her upbringing so she could then say something. He wasn't going to give her the opportunity.
Chris decided to test him. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure." He told him as he kept his anger down.
"So how did you sleep?" Vin added.
"Actually I slept fine considering it was in a chair."
Chris shifted in his chair then leaned forward and took the plunge. "Josiah and the rest of us still want you to talk about it."
"Yeah I know." He was only going to tell them what they already knew and that was the beatings, he wasn't going to talk about the other thing. He pushed down harder on the memory as it threatened to come back. They all looked up as they heard the heavy footsteps on the stairs. Buck was on his way. "There goes the peace and quiet." Ezra commented to the others.
Chris and Vin relaxed as Ezra did seem to be better, the rest of the day would tell though, they would wait to see how he was going to react to Nathan checking him over and then the request for him to talk about the memories that were haunting him.
Ezra smiled at Buck as he sat down. "So Buck, what is it like to wake up in a man's bed for a change?" Buck looked at him and pretended to be hurt, he lifted his hand to hit Ezra as he usually did when they were joking around but he saw him flinch back and the fear as it flashed through his eyes.
"Sorry Ezra." Buck suddenly felt very bad.
"That's alright Buck, it's not your fault that my Uncle beat me." He didn't look away from them, he needed to keep the act up and get through the day so they would then leave him alone.
Ezra had faltered when Buck raised his arm, he had to make sure that he didn't do it again as they were all watching him closely and they would see it and know that there was something still wrong. He glanced up as the other members of the group walked into the saloon, the expressions of surprise not hidden from their faces as they did not expect him to be up. He gave them a small smile knowing that anything more would look forced.
Nathan sat next to Ezra and looked at him carefully, he could see that Ezra was pale and the lump on the side of his head had subsided leaving a bruise that had begun to darken.
"I am sure that you want to do more than look Nathan." Ezra said to him. This was going to be the hardest test. He was not going to like the touch but he would have to keep control.
"Huh?" Nathan was stunned, he expected an argument to even get Ezra to allow him to check him over.
"Would you prefer to check my injuries in the clinic?" Ezra saw Chris frown out of the corner of his eye. "I would prefer to do this now so I can get it over and done with."
"The clinic, I want to check your stitches and change your bandages as well." Nathan told him.
Ezra reluctantly got up and leaving the blanket behind he followed Nathan out of the saloon, he didn't fail to notice that Chris was right behind him. Ezra had thought that Nathan would say no and take a few minutes but it was going to take a lot longer now they were going to Nathan's room and he was going to take his time as he had more or less given Nathan his permission to check him over. 'Oh great.' But he kept the thought to himself.
Nathan opened the door and followed Ezra and Chris into the room, he watched as Ezra sat carefully on the bed.
"You want to take your shirt off Ezra." Nathan washed his hands first and while he did this, he could sense Ezra's eyes on him. He turned and caught the stare just before he diverted his eyes. Nathan looked at the bruises that were starting to form on his chest.
Ezra first felt the touch on the side of his head and gasped at the pain that was there. Nathan continued to press against the growing bruise for a couple of minutes. "You had a nasty bump Ezra, but it's just a bruise now. Have you still got a headache?"
"I do now." Ezra grimaced at him.
Nathan then removed the bandages that covered the knife wounds in his side, chest and arms. He probed the wounds to find that the stitches were still fine and they were healing well, so he decided not to rebandaged them. "I'll leave the stitches in for another week Ezra and then take them out." He then pressed against the injured ribs, which still felt fine, he left the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs on as they still needed some support. He looked up at Ezra as he noticed that he had become silent.
It was taking all of Ezra's concentration and control not to push Nathan away or to tell him to leave him alone. Nathan was taking his time and each time he touched a wound Ezra wanted to lash out as it made him think of his Aunt as she took care of his wounds. She had called a Doctor but only after, she had patched him up, as she had put it. He gripped his hands on the edge of the mattress and continued to control himself.
Nathan stepped back and examined Ezra for a moment, his face seemed blank and his eyes glassy. "Ezra?" Chris had also noticed and came to face him. "Ezra?" Nathan raised his voice.
Ezra blinked his eyes and came back. "Sorry Nathan, I was somewhere else for a moment." He knew he would have to more or less tell the truth because he wasn't going to be able to explain it otherwise.
"Where?" Asked Chris.
"Take a guess."
"Your Uncle?"
"Correct first time." Ezra wished that he was anywhere but here. He hated this. He wanted to push them away, he wanted the anger to take control and if Nathan didn't finish soon he knew that he would allow the anger to do what it had done all his life.
"Everything's fine Ezra, the wounds are healing and so are your ribs but you are going to be very sore in a couple of days when the bruises come out on your chest. The only thing I want you to do is get some rest and take things easy for a week."
"That's all?" Ezra raised his eyebrows.
"You can put your shirt back on and go back to the saloon and have something to eat." Nathan smiled. "Sorry I forgot about that part."
Ezra did as he was told as he was grateful for the chance to get away and not have to come back for a week. When they arrived back at the saloon, they found that the others were already eating their breakfast. Ezra wasn't hungry but he forced himself to eat something. He only had one more hurdle and that was talking about things but he had talked himself out of many things so he didn't think that it would be a problem.
They all ate their breakfast in silence, each glancing up at Ezra and then back at their food. Ezra could see them doing this and he knew they were waiting for him to talk but he wasn't going to do that, if they wanted him to talk then they would have to start it. When he had enough to eat, he pushed his plate away. They all frowned at the plate that was still half-full. Buck coughed behind his hand.
"Yes Buck." Ezra raised an eyebrow at him.
"Nothing." He muttered.
"What he means is were ready to listen if you’re ready to talk." Josiah explained Buck's attempt at getting Ezra to start talking to them.
"To all of you?" Ezra didn't want that.
"You don't have to talk to all of us. Which one of us would you be more comfortable talking to?" Josiah asked him.
'Which one would be most gullible.' Ezra thought to himself but that would only make them suspicious. He would have to pick the most obvious. "You mainly because I have already talked to you once about it." Ezra had remembered that time and he had only spoken to Josiah because he didn't have a choice and even then, he had surprised himself.
Everyone got up to leave.
"No, you stay. I'd rather go outside. I need some fresh air anyway."
They moved outside and sat in two of the chairs that faced the main street of the town. Ezra looked at the people who walked passed and wonder if their life was as complicated as his. He sat quietly and allowed the sun to cover him with its warmth. He could feel Josiah watching him, waiting for him to start.
"I don't really know what to tell you Josiah. I said most of it the first time round."
"Why don't you tell me about the memory that came back to you, the one that scared you so much. The one that made you cry in your sleep." Josiah suggested. He knew that this was going to be hard for Ezra and that he may have to lead him through it. He watched as Ezra tensed up.
"You really know where to hit a guy don't you." Ezra had nearly lost everything, his poker face, his control and the memory threatened to come back. He fought it to keep control. "It was the time that he nearly beat me to death. I had pushed it from my mind and forgotten it. I only knew it happened because someone told me about it."
"Hard thing to remember."
"It was like reliving the whole thing for the first time and it did scare me." Ezra was mostly telling the truth but he wasn't going to tell Josiah everything. He continued to talk for another thirty minutes repeating things that he had already told him and other things that would not allow Josiah to catch onto the real reason for his fear. When he thought that, he had said enough he sat quietly and waited for Josiah to do his part.
"Why wouldn't you talk to us about it?" Josiah asked him as he knew that he wasn't going to say anymore.
"Because I never had to before. No one has ever pushed me like you guys do." He turned to Josiah and saw the pity that was on his face, his mother had kept quiet until now. She told him that it was pity. Ezra actually wondered if he was going crazy as he had never heard his mother talk to him so much before, not even in person. "And your all very lucky that I didn't shoot any of you for it."
"Do you think that you would be able to talk about other things when they bother you?" Josiah wasn't sure how Ezra was going to answer it but he smiled when he did as he knew that Ezra was feeling better.
"Let's put it this way Josiah, you won't have to push me so far next time. Maybe just a prod here and there will get me to spill everything."
They stayed outside and began to talk about other things, Ezra was glad of the change of subject. He had gotten them off his back and they would now leave him alone. After a long period of time, the others came out to see how things were going and they smiled when they heard them both laughing. The rest of the day passed easily for both Ezra and everyone else and over the next week things got back to normal and then Maude arrived.
***
Ezra watched as Buck paced up and down the boardwalk in front of the saloon. He was impatient for some reason and Ezra had not failed to notice that the others were also fidgeting. He watched in amusement as most of them tried to hide it. Chris and Vin were doing very well but Ezra was better at reading people than they thought. JD was hopeless and the others gave away the tell tales signs of something being amiss.
"Is there something going on that I should know about?" Ezra asked the group and smiled as JD feigned a look of innocence.
"Just enjoying the warm weather Ezra." Chris explained to him. He realised that Ezra knew that something was up and this also meant that he would find out that they knew Maude was coming. The stagecoach was due in thirty minutes and Chris wanted Ezra out of the way when it arrived as he wanted to talk to Maude before she spoke to Ezra. He had told everyone that they needed to keep him occupied but so far, they had all failed in their attempts. When he had refused to go inside and play poker, they knew that they were wasting their time so they gave up.
It had been a warm morning and Ezra was enjoying the weather. He had been spending a lot of time outdoors and had been leaving a lamp on during the night as he slept. He kept the lamp low just so it was enough to stop the suffocating darkness that kept wanting Ezra to relive his memory. But his mind had been peaceful for the last couple of days and he knew that it wouldn't be much longer before the memory was locked away in the back of his mind. He could feel the light sheen of sweat on his body and it had caused his healing wounds to itch. He waited until Nathan wasn't looking and scratched the wound on his chest. He could feel the stitches pulling and he wanted them out but Nathan wouldn't take them out.
"Ezra stop scratching them." Nathan had caught him.
"I wouldn't have to if you took them out." Ezra retorted. He made sure that the anger he felt at being chided did not show in his voice.
Nathan had a thought, he looked at Chris and raised his eyebrow. "We can take them out now Ezra or tomorrow morning at nine." He saw the frown form on Ezra's face. "So shall we go up to the clinic now and take them out or do you want to get up early tomorrow?"
Ezra knew he was only trying to get him out of the way. "I'll wait."
"If you don't show up at nine tomorrow you will have to wait another day." Nathan told him.
"I'll wait." Ezra repeated. He was actually beginning to worry as whatever it was they were waiting for it was serious. They wouldn't be going through so much trouble to get rid of him otherwise.
Chris sighed silently, they were never going to get rid of him. He saw Mary approaching from Clarion, a smile on her face. He remembered that she was expecting an old friend. "So what do you think she'll look like Buck?" He hoped that he would catch on.
"Well you know what Mary said. Sarah is a vision of beauty." Buck had caught on. "You sure you don't want a game of poker Ezra."
"Are you gentlemen trying to tell me that you want to get rid of me because there is a beautiful woman arriving on the stage." Ezra wasn't sure if he believed them or not.
"With your manners and charm what luck do we have with her." Buck smiled at him but he could see the doubt on Ezra's face.
"None." Ezra allowed the forced smile to appear on his face and hoped that it looked genuine. He didn't believe that was the reason for them wanting to get rid of him.
"Good morning gentlemen." Mary greeted them as she arrived. She kept the smile on her face when she saw that Ezra was there. Mary looked at Chris who shrugged at her in return.
"Morning Mary." They each answered her.
"Mrs Travis do you have a friend arriving on the stage this morning?" Ezra asked her.
"Yes I do Mr Standish. Are you as eager to meet her as everyone else seems to be?" Mary had known what was happening.
"Vision of beauty is she?" Ezra repeated Buck's phrase and waited to see if the expression that her face held faltered but it didn't.
"Yes she is." Her smile was genuine but Ezra still didn't believe that was why they didn't want him there.
"Well then gentlemen I will leave you to it so as not to embarrass you with my charm and good looks." Ezra rose from his chair. "I am going to have a drink." He tipped his hat to Mary and made his way back into the saloon.
Everyone sighed in relief as they watched him disappear into the saloon. Ezra made his way to the counter and ordered a bottle of whiskey. Once he had done this he made his way back to the front of the saloon and hid himself in the shadows and waited to see what it was that were hiding from him. He watched as Buck continued to pace and he stepped back each time he passed him. None of them spoke as they continued to wait for the coach. Ezra could feel his anger at the situation rising. They were hiding something from him and he didn't like it.
All heads turned to the sound of the stagecoach rumbling into town. Josiah looked behind him but did not see Ezra so he turned back and waited as everyone else did. The stagecoach came to a stop and as the dust settled the driver threw the luggage to the ground, he wasn't going to carry that again. He remembered the last time that woman was on the stage. He then jumped off and opened the door.
Ezra watched as Mary ran forward when a woman stepped from the coach. 'Must be Sarah.' He thought. She was indeed a vision of beauty, he could see her pale face that was framed by her brown hair. Her smile grew as she sighted Mary and Ezra realised that this woman had an aura about her that made her beautiful in her own way. He was not able to make out the colour of her eyes from this distance but he would find out later. She stepped down from the coach into Mary's waiting arms.
Ezra was about to turn away when he saw another figure exiting the coach, he moved closer and the glass that was in his hand fell and shattered as it hit the saloon floor. He took another step closer, he couldn't believe it, and his mother was here. He suddenly felt the memory forcing its way back to his conscious, he could hear his mother's voice as it spoke to him, denying that what these men felt for him was concern and most of all he could feel the fear when it squeezed his heart as the darkness closed around him. Just the sight of his mother brought it all back to him in a violent wave of emotions. His knees buckled and he didn't feel any pain as his head hit the floor of the saloon just as the glass had done seconds before.
The hired lawmen watched as Mary's friend exited the stage and silently agreed with her description. They each took in her fair complexion, which was framed by brown hair that only seemed to highlight her face even more. When she smiled at Mary, her eyes sparkled with intelligence and humour. This woman was as beautiful inside as she was out. Each man would have been there immediately to help her with her luggage but they were there for another reason.
Their mood changed instantly as Maude followed her out of the stagecoach.
Maude looked on at the reunion of two friends and then saw the six men behind them. She smiled at them and kept the smile on her face when she saw the grim expressions, she didn't fail to notice that Ezra was not there. She then saw her luggage on the dirt floor of main street.
"Be careful of my luggage that is genuine leather you are handling." She told them in disgust.
Chris stepped forward. "Maude." He didn't hide the coldness that he felt towards her, he did not feel any kindness towards this woman for what she had done to Ezra.
"Mr Larabee." She looked over his shoulder. "Where is Ezra?"
"He's . . . "
"Mr Larabee." Someone yelled from behind the group of men. Chris turned to him. "There's something wrong with Mr Standish." The bartender yelled to him and then ran back into the saloon with the men following him.
They ran in to the saloon to find Ezra lying on the floor in an unconscious state. Chris and Nathan knelt down beside him as the others watched. Nathan quickly checked him over and found a small bump on the back of his head. He looked up at the bartender.
"What happened." Nathan demanded to know.
"I don't know, one minute he was standing there looking out the window and the next he fell down." He explained as he fidgeted with his glasses. "But he did drop his glass first, that's what made me look up and I saw him fall."
"He must have seen her." Nathan told Chris.
"Are you saying he fainted?" Buck wanted to know as he looked down at Ezra's pale face.
"Only thing that I can think of." Nathan was worried about the fact that Ezra had fainted at the sight of his mother. "He hit his head on the floor as well."
"Is my son drunk?" Maude asked from inside the doorway.
Chris had been keeping his anger in control, he was going to be calm when he spoke to her, he wanted to explain in simple terms what Ezra had been going through and then he was going to wait for her reaction. If he didn't like it, then he was going to tell her a few home truths but not anymore.
"No he is not drunk!" He raised his voice at her and moved towards her quickly enough to make her flinch back from him. "Your son has been going through hell because of you and the way you brought him up!" Chris wanted to continue but he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face Josiah.
"This is not the time or place Chris." He nodded towards the unmoving form on the floor. "Ezra needs us, you can talk to Mrs Standish later." Maude frowned when Josiah did not use her first name as he always did.
Chris turned and stared at Maude. "We'll continue this later." He made to turn but stopped. "That is if you have the courage to face the results of your son's upbringing."
Chris turned to find that Josiah had already picked Ezra up and was on his way to the stairs. He gave Maude one last look and followed the others up to Ezra's room. He walked in to find Nathan and Josiah removing Ezra' jacket, guns and boots and after making him comfortable they stepped away.
"He's going to be alright isn't he Nathan?" JD asked him.
"Physically yeah." He answered him.
"And what do you mean by that?" Vin wanted to know.
"He must have fainted and it would have to have been something emotional to cause it, there's no other reason that I can think of."
"Like he did that night when he remembered that memory of his Uncle beating him." Chris suggested.
"Yeah." Nathan looked over Chris's shoulder to see Maude standing in the doorway. Everyone turned when they heard her cough to indicate that she had made an appearance.
Chris walked back to the door, smiled at Ezra's mother and then closed the door in her face. He turned and went and sat on the bed as he ignored the looks of surprise from the others. "He didn't tell us everything did he."
"No he didn't." Josiah agreed. "But he seemed to be doing okay the last week."
"He obviously conned us." Chris told them.
They found a spot to wait as they always seemed to do and hoped that when Ezra woke up he was going to feel okay, especially now that he knew his mother was in town. The knock at the door made them all jump, even Chris.
***
Maude was shocked when the door was closed in her face. She was angry, Chris had asked her to come and now he is shutting her out of her son's life. She waited a few minutes then knocked on the door, intending to get answers as to why she was being treated like this. It was a few minutes before someone answered her demand for entrance into her son's room. She saw that it was Josiah and she knew that he would let her in. She stepped forward only to find Josiah stepped towards her.
"Josiah would you please let me in. I would like to know what is going on." She demanded.
"Not now. The last thing Ezra needs is to see you when he wakes up." He said softly.
"I will not stand for this." She looked around him and saw Chris sitting on the bed with Ezra. "Mr Larabee asked me to come and now he has changed his mind. Is that it?"
"No, Chris will tell you what's going on. We all will. But you will have to wait." He again closed the door, stopping her from going into the room.
Maude turned on her heel and went downstairs to wait. She intended to give these men a piece of her mind. From what she saw of Ezra there was nothing really wrong with him and if all this was a false alarm then there will be hell to pay, especially from Ezra.
***
Mary had watched as the men ran into the saloon, she wanted to find out what had happened to Ezra but she kept control as her friend was with her and she couldn't leave her standing in the street.
"I'll wait if you want to go and see how your friend is." Sarah knew that Mary was concerned about the man called Standish, she could see it in her face. Mary turned to her and smiled.
"Why don't we take care of you first and then come back and see how Ezra is and then I can introduce you to all of the men at the same time." She took her friends arm and began to walk to the hotel.
"I am looking forward to meeting these men that you keep writing to me about." Sarah allowed Mary to lead her to the Hotel unaware that she herself will have to risk her own life to save Ezra Standish.
***
Ezra was in the cellar again but this time he was an adult and the cellar was his mind, he couldn't escape the emotions or the memory. His mother had brought it all back and he didn't know how to stop it. He could feel them as strongly as the blows that were inflicted on his small frail body when his Uncle beat him. The emotions hurt his soul as the punches and kicks hurt his body. He screamed out at the pain and then heard the other noises, the rats. They had also invaded his mind and he tried to push himself away from them.
The six men flinched as the scream filled the small room. Nathan moved to the bed and tried to use his voice to calm Ezra down but he only seemed to make him worse as he struggled to get away from him. He watched as Ezra started to shake uncontrollably.
"Ezra?" Nathan gently slapped Ezra's face to bring him out of it but Ezra raised his arms over his face to protect himself. He looked up as Josiah came over and gently took Ezra's arms and pulled them down.
Ezra continued to struggle against what he was feeling and then he felt the slap against his face and even though it wasn't hard, he tried to protect himself anyway. He put his arms in front of his face as he had so often done when he was child. His Uncle Jack wasn't the only relative to hit him. He struggled to get of the cellar and thought that he was succeeding but then he saw the light that was breaking through, he didn't want the light, and he wanted darkness.
"Ezra?" Nathan used just his voice this time.
Ezra could hear someone calling him, he flinched back as the light that shone through his mind and the voice that added to the scurrying noises told him his Uncle was coming for him. He withdrew into the corner and pulled his knees up against his chest and waited for the beating.
"We have to wake him." Nathan told Josiah in a strained voice. They couldn't stop Ezra from curling up into a ball.
"He's closing himself off from everything, if we don't wake him up now we might not be able to later."
"How are you going to do that when he won't respond to you?" Chris came forward.
There was another knock at the door and Chris bounded towards it intending to use a lot of uncolourful language if it was Maude. He relaxed though as he saw Mary and her friend Sarah standing in the hallway. "Sorry Mary, I thought you were Maude."
"That's okay Chris." She turned to her friend. "Sarah this is Chris Larabee. Chris this is my old friend Sarah Doherty." She suddenly noticed the concern that lined his face. "We came to see how Ezra was."
Chris hung his head. "He's not good Mary."
"What happened?"
"Long story." Chris jumped again as another scream came from Ezra. He looked into the room to see Nathan and Josiah trying to hold Ezra down, he had begun to struggle against them.
"Is there something we can do?" Sarah asked him in a gentle voice that showed that she was concerned even though Ezra was a stranger to her.
"Maybe there is. Nathan wants to wake him up but he won't respond to us, maybe a female voice will get through to him." He stepped aside and allowed them into the room. He heard Mary gasp as she saw the condition that Ezra was in. He stepped up beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Would you like me to have a go?" Sarah asked Nathan. "Mr Larabee said that maybe a female voice might help more."
Nathan looked up at the woman who had gotten off the stagecoach earlier. He looked back down at Ezra's sweating face. "Sure anything is worth a try, we have to get him to wake up."
Josiah and Nathan stepped back and allowed Sarah to sit down next to Ezra who had calmed down a bit once the hands were no longer trying to hold him down. She first placed her hand on his forehead but he moved away.
"That won't work." Chris told her. "He doesn't like to be touched."
She took her hand away and watched as he calmed down again while taking in every part of the handsome face. Mary had told her that Ezra Standish was a handsome man but she never told her how handsome he was. "Ezra can you hear me? My name is Sarah, I want to help you." She waited a moment. "Ezra, we need you to wake up."
Ezra could hear another voice in the darkness and it was not his Uncle's. He listened and found it to be calming. The light continued to grow stronger as the voice talked to him. It wanted him to wake up but he didn't, he only wanted to leave the cellar. He wanted a comforting darkness that didn't allow him to feel the pain of the memories or the real world. He fought it as long as he could as he knew if he woke up, he would have to relive it. He groaned at the thought.
"That's it Ezra, come back to us. You need to wake up." Sarah continued.
Ezra started to remember other things. He thought of his mother and realised that she was here in town, he also realised that the others were waiting for her, they knew she was coming and they didn't tell him. He felt the anger replace the fear, he wanted to wake up now, and he wanted to find out what was going on. He struggled to get out of what was left of the darkness in his mind. The voice became clearer and he opened his eyes.
Sarah held her breath as she looked into the angry green eyes that returned her gaze. She quickly got up from the bed and moved away from Ezra. "He's awake." She told Chris. She then moved to Mary and led her out of the room and away from the anger that was about to fill it.
Chris knelt down in front of Ezra who was still curled up in a ball. He knew he had to be careful as he too saw the anger that his eyes held. "Ezra?"
"Why is my mother here?" Ezra asked him calmly.
"She came to see you." Chris looked at the others and saw that they were holding their breaths and yet ready to take control of the situation that may start.
Ezra knew there was more to it than that. "Why?" He held everything back, the fear, the anger and the hatred that seemed to be growing for the men who would not leave him alone. "Why is she here Chris?"
"I asked her to come." Chris knew he wouldn't be able to keep it from him. They would get this out of the way and then deal with what was happening with Ezra. But Chris was not prepared for Ezra's reaction to his confession.
Ezra was so quick Chris didn't even see his fist, the only thing he felt was the pain when it connected with the side of his head. The force of it knocked him off the bed and he then felt Ezra's weight on him as he landed more blows to his body. He didn't fight back as he didn't want to hurt Ezra anymore than he already was.
Ezra had lost complete control when Chris told him that he had asked his mother to come to Four Corners. He hit Chris as hard as he could and followed him as he fell off the bed, he jumped onto him to hold him down, he used his fists to continue hitting him but he felt hands pulling him off so he started to kick out at him. He missed though as the hands pulled him away.
"Ezra that's enough." Josiah spoke into his ear using a gentle voice.
"Let go of me!" Ezra shouted at them as he struggled to get away from the hands that held him. "Let me go!"
"Only if you are going to stop hitting Chris." Buck told him. He had hold of Ezra's other arm.
"I'm not going to punch him, I'm going to kill the bastard!" Ezra yelled at them.
Josiah took the hold of the arm that Buck was holding and swung Ezra around towards him. "Ezra!" Josiah had Ezra's body facing him but his eyes were still looking at Chris who was getting up off the floor. "Ezra look at me!" Josiah shouted at him as he shook him. "Ezra!"
Ezra turned and saw Josiah in front of him and his anger changed direction, he tried to attack him but Josiah's strong hands held him away from him. Josiah had no choice as Ezra had lost control, he hit him. Ezra fell to the floor and looked up at Josiah as he rubbed his jaw. He saw nothing but pity there. He got up and grabbed his jacket and headed for the door only to find Buck blocking it.
"Get out of the way." Buck stood still. "Now!" Ezra shouted at him.
"Buck step out of the way." Chris told him. Buck looked at him and then nodded as he moved aside.
Ezra turned to the men in the room. "If any of you come near me again I'll kill you!" He left the room and the men who were standing still with open mouths.
"He doesn't mean that. Does he?" JD asked. He was shocked at Ezra's reaction, he had never seen the gambler like that before. He quickly wiped the tear before it fell.
"No he doesn't JD, he's angry, very angry." Josiah patted him on the shoulder as though to reassure him even though he wasn't confident about it himself. They followed Ezra out of the room and down the stairs to find another confrontation that had started in the saloon.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Master Fan Fiction List
Fourteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: The seven search for a friend of Mary's when she goes missing from Four Corners but when Ezra finds her, he also finds the reason for her going missing.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fourteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 38,144
Part Two
Ezra was lying down on the bench but he sat up when he heard the footsteps pounding up the stairs. He watched as they reached the top of the steps and stopped in their tracks as they saw him sitting there on the bench looking small in the blanket that was wrapped around his body. He kept silent and waited for their reaction. But it was not the reaction that he was expecting.
"Getting some fresh air Ezra?" Chris asked him as he walked over and sat down on the bench next to him.
"Something like that." Ezra stared in confusion at Chris's profile. He thought that he would be angry and yell at him as that was what he usually did. It's what everyone usually did. They always yelled at him as he never seemed to do anything right.
"Want some company?" Chris continued.
The tension seemed to hang in the air as the others held their breath as they waited for Ezra's reaction. He got up, wrapped the blanket tighter around his chilled body and walked towards the group of men who stood at the top of the stairs watching him closely.
"Where are you going Ezra?" Chris asked from behind him.
"Anywhere, as long as you gentlemen are not there." He didn't hide the rising anger as he continued to stare at the person standing in front of him.
"And where is that?" Buck asked as he stood over him.
Ezra hung his head and sighed. "I really am getting tired of all this."
"So are we Ezra." Chris agreed. He wanted Ezra to talk to them, to stop shutting them out as he always did.
"Then why don't you leave me alone!" Ezra yelled at him as he suddenly turned to face him. "If I make it that hard for you then go away. Why can't you just do what everyone else does." Ezra continued to yell, he couldn't stop himself as all the anger had come to a point where he couldn't hold it in anymore. "They always left me when I got angry with them, they allowed me to push them away. Why can't you?"
"Because there is something wrong with you Ezra." Chris could see that Ezra had begun to shake with anger. "Were your friends and we want to help and we can't do that if we leave you alone."
"The only thing wrong with me is that you won't leave me alone." Ezra didn't want to hear anymore, he turned back and roughly pushed his way through the human barricade and walked down the stairs.
He didn't know where he was going, he just wanted to get away from them but he could hear their steps as they followed him. 'What do I have to do to stop them.' He thought to himself. He stopped and turned to face the six men. Ezra could see the pity on their faces, he heard his mother's voice and he felt the darkness of the cellar close in on him. He suddenly found it hard to breath as the fear hit him. He was not able to understand why he couldn't control it or why it was all coming back to him now. He turned around and quickly walked to the steps of the saloon and sat down heavily on them. He could hear the rats in the back of his mind as they searched for food in the cellar. He placed his hands against ears hoping to stop the noises in his mind but they wouldn't go away, they kept tormenting him.
They watched closely as a distant look overcame Ezra, he walked away from them and sat on the saloon steps and put his hands against his ears as though to block out a noise. Josiah moved forward and placed his hand on Ezra's shoulder.
"Don't hit me." Ezra felt the touch and cringed away from it as he thought that it was his Uncle. That had been the first touch in a month, he was sleeping in the corner and he felt something on his shoulder and woke up to find his Uncle standing over him. He had dragged him out of the cellar and beat him to a bloody pulp leaving him on the kitchen floor. It was his Aunt who came and got him, she returned him to his bed and then arranged for the Doctor. They had told him that he was beaten by some passing ranch hands and the Doctor believed them so Ezra was left there to receive more beatings after he healed.
"Ezra it's Josiah, I'm not going to hurt you." He sat down next to him and moved his arm around his shoulder to try to comfort him.
Ezra snapped his head up, the fear and anger evident in his eyes. He stood up just as quickly, pushing Josiah's arm off him. "Yes you are, all of you are going to hurt me. What do you think you’re doing now?" He looked around the group and at that moment, he hated them for what they were doing to him. "You're doing this, you keep pushing me, making me feel things that I'm not ready for. I'm remembering things that I don't want to remember." The tears began to fall.
"You're hurting me just as much as they ever did. Can't you understand that." He stepped away from them, he hadn't meant to say so much. Now they were never going to leave him be. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" He used his hands to wipe the tears away, the blanket falling from his shoulders. He was now angry with himself as well, he was a grown man, he shouldn't be crying like this, not in front of other people.
Josiah moved closer to him as he seemed to be the only one comfortable enough to do so. They knew he was going through something terrible but they did not realise that they were making it worse. They were trying to help but instead they hurt him more. So they thought until they listened to Josiah's words.
He put the blanket back around Ezra and turned him to face him, he held his arms with enough force to stop him moving away. "Ezra, look at me." He waited but Ezra didn't raise his eyes to him. "It's not us that are doing this to you. It's you." This brought Ezra's eyes up to return his gaze. "You're hurting yourself by shutting the memory away instead of dealing with it." He could see that Ezra was becoming confused and he also felt him shiver under his grip. "Will you come inside so we can talk about it, your cold and I am sure you could use a drink." Ezra continued to stare at him but he allowed him to lead him inside. Josiah could see the others smile as they walked passed but there smiles were short lived.
The five hired lawmen followed Josiah as he led Ezra into the saloon, they moved to the table and sat down and as they did, they looked at JD who threw his hands up in the air and went to the bar to get a bottle of whiskey and glasses. All eyes turned to Ezra but he was keeping his eyes down, he wasn't going to look at any of them. Josiah watched him for a moment and when he realised that Ezra was not going to say anything he carried on with what he was saying to the gambler out the front of the saloon.
"Do you want to tell us what the things are that you are remembering?" He asked him in a soothing tone. Everyone listened as they thought that Ezra was going to talk about it.
"No." Was the quick reply. Ezra was thinking about what Josiah had said but he couldn't understand how he was hurting himself. He never had this problem before he came here and met these men. He was able to take care of himself by shutting the memory away and by pushing people away from him. Once they left him alone he was alright, he was able to deal with things but not anymore. A lifetime of defences had been infiltrated by these men and he couldn't stop them. He tried to push them away as he did everyone else but they were still here, he tried his anger but that didn't help either. They were hurting him by making him continually relive everything instead of allowing him to shut it away.
"That is exactly what I am talking about Ezra. By not talking about it, you are only hurting yourself. You would feel a lot better if you talk about it."
"And how is it going to make me feel better. You are still not going to leave me alone afterwards." Ezra told him as he kept his voice calm.
"Ezra why do you always want to be left alone?" Chris asked him.
"Because that's the way I have been all my life." He simply stated as though it was not something new to them. Ezra took the glass of whiskey that had been placed in front of him and drank it quickly, making sure that he did not return everybody's gaze.
"Well you’re not alone anymore Ezra, you don't have to deal with things on your own. You have friends who care about you now. We will help you deal with what's bothering you." Josiah assured him. It hurt him to know that this man had lived his life like this, he knew that Ezra had friends through his life but obviously none close enough to help him deal with his past. No one should have to go through life alone.
"But I don't want your help. I have dealt with things on my own all my life, I had to , and I didn't have a choice. If you left me alone I could deal with it." He tried to sound confident but he couldn't. The memory had become too strong and he knew that it would be hard to shut it away again but he would have to do it.
"You didn't deal with them Ezra, that's why it's coming back to you now. All the other memories that you also shut out will eventually come back to haunt you as well. There is going to come a time when you won't be able to deal with the memories properly."
Ezra shuddered at the thought and hurriedly poured himself another drink. His hands began to shake and he spilt the liquid onto the table. He felt Josiah's steadying hand on his and he looked up into his eyes. "Josiah, why can't I convince myself that it is concern that you are showing and not pity." Ezra turned to Chris as he heard him mutter something under his breath.
"Something to say Chris?" Ezra asked him.
"Only that your mother has a lot to answer for." Chris growled.
Ezra's eyes clouded over as his mother's voice returned to him, he pulled his hand from Josiah's grip and leaned back into the chair, hugging the blanket to his body. Josiah spoke up before Ezra could shut himself off completely and as he did, he took Ezra's chin in his hand and turned his face towards him. They all watched Josiah's gentle touch and show of concern and wondered how long it would be until Ezra pushed him away.
"Ezra if it was pity we would have left you alone a long time ago just like everybody else did. We don't go away because we care." Josiah smiled at the doubt that quickly replaced the faraway look. "I am showing you concern now." He let go of Ezra's face to see if he was going to turn away from him but he didn't, he continued to look at Josiah. "Do you believe me Ezra?"
Ezra wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. Josiah's words had finally hit him. If it was pity that would have allowed him to push them away. He didn't know what to say, his mind and heart were flooded with emotions. He knew they were all watching him, he wanted to look at them to find out if it was still pity, he saw or if he would finally see the concern that he had longed for all his life.
"Well?" Josiah gently prodded.
"I'm thinking." Ezra quietly replied but they could all hear the emotion in his voice. He heard someone laugh and he looked up at Chris, he should have known better than to think that they finally did care. But he did not see pity or any other sort of degrading emotion on Chris's features. He saw acceptance, trust, friendship and what he hoped was concern. He couldn't stop the tears that began to fall from his eyes so he hid his face in his the blanket. He flinched as someone put their arm around him but he did not push it away, he was to tired. Everybody sat in silence as they watched Ezra break down, they were still uncomfortable but they were not going to leave him. After a few minutes, he lifted his head but still kept his gaze down.
"I've been remembering the time I spent with Jack Standish." He told them quietly. He still didn't know if he wanted to tell them everything. Even after seeing the concern on Chris's face, he still found it hard to change his habits.
"The beatings?" Nathan asked as he remembered the one he had gotten when his Uncle had taken him as a hostage.
"Yes." He muttered.
"But there's more. Isn't there?" Josiah pushed him.
"No there isn't." Ezra heard his mother's voice, he was beginning to hate the sound of it. 'How many times do I have to tell you Ezra, it may look like concern, it may sound like concern but it's pity.'
Josiah watched as a strange expression overcame Ezra. "What is it Ezra?"
"Nothing. I'm going to bed." He began to stand up but felt Josiah's hand on his arm, he pulled away from him. The anger that he felt when he heard his mother's voice was still there. He was so confused at the moment, he didn't know what to do. Ezra wanted desperately to believe him but his mother's voice kept pulling him back and he knew that while she was there he would never be able to fully accept the fact that these men cared for him and were concerned about him. He walked away from the table hoping that they would not follow him and was grateful when they didn't.
They watched as Ezra made his way up the stairs to his room. "Just when I thought we had gotten somewhere." Josiah spoke to the empty chair next to him.
Ezra stepped into his room and closed the door and then leant against it, closing his eyes against the memory and the sound of his mother's voice. They were both hurtling through his mind and he couldn't stop them. His eyes opened as he pushed himself away from the door and went and sat in the chair that faced his window. He wasn't going to go to sleep, he couldn't anyway not with everything that was going through his mind. He gazed out into the night and tried to replace what he was feeling with what Josiah had said.
Josiah had nearly convinced him that they had cared but his mother's voice stopped him from accepting it completely. He wanted to believe him, he needed to. He was tired of spending his life alone and dealing with things on his own. But his mother - he wiped his forehead roughly trying to push her from his mind but she was as stubborn in his mind as she was in person.
He was told that he needed to talk about it but didn't know how that would help, if he told them what happened then it would mean that he would have to relive the whole memory and he didn't want to do that, the thought of it scared the hell out of him. He then remembered Josiah's touch and how different it was from the other physical touch he had received from his Uncle. He had wanted to move away from Josiah but his gaze had held him. And instead of hitting him physically with his fist, he had hit him emotionally with his words.
Ezra also remembered the look on Chris's face when he had looked at him, he saw the emotions and what he thought was concern but his mother tore that away from him quickly and the hope that these men really did care vanished. Maude's comments had convinced him otherwise again as she always did.
He had cried when that happened, he wanted to grab hold of that look of concern and never let go but when he lost his grip, he cried. He had also become angry, at his mother and himself for allowing the tears to flow in front of the men. This time he rubbed his eyes in disgust, he would have to make sure that it never happened again. He had lost control in front of someone, something that he had promised himself as a child that he would never do.
"Why can't they just leave me alone." he said aloud. "I wouldn't be going through all this if they just left me alone."
But another thought crossed his mind. 'It might be easier if you just accepted what they told you.' But the thought was replaced by his mother. 'If you accept it then you are accepting their pity not their concern and then you will never be left alone, they will continue to harass you and push you.'
"Get out of my head." He growled at her as he clutched his head in his hands and rolled forward. She wouldn't leave. He couldn't fight anymore so he sat back and accepted what she told him as it was easier to accept what his mother said than what the others kept trying to tell him.
He had to do something to stop the memory and the feelings and more important to stop the voice of his mother. The first was to listen to his mother that way she would go away and leave him alone and the second was to stop his friends. If anger and pushing them way didn't work then he would have to use denial.
It took a while though before his mother's voice left him and even longer for the memory to retreat to the back of his mind. Ezra eventually fell asleep in the chair and slept a peaceful sleep. It was a few hours later when Buck walked into the room to check on him. He found Ezra asleep in the chair still wrapped in his blanket with his head leaning on his shoulder and he saw how peaceful his sleep was. He didn't want to disturb him so he left him there and sat down on Ezra's bed for a while to make sure that he was okay.
***
Ezra woke early the next morning due to sunlight that was shining through the window into his face. He placed his hands over his eyes but the brightness still invaded his mind. He stood up and winced at the soreness that was in his muscles, he stretched but stopped quickly as it pulled at his injured side. Ezra turned to the bed so he could lie down and continue to sleep as it was too early for him but he found Buck sleeping on his bed. He looked at him and shook his head. With the blanket still wrapped around him, he made his way down to the saloon.
He looked over the railing before he walked down the stairs and he saw Chris and Vin looking up at him, they didn't look away so he did. He made it to the table without falling over, every part of him was sore.
"How are you doin' Ezra?" Vin asked.
"I'm sore all over." He answered as he accepted the cup of coffee that Chris handed to him. He noticed Chris look up towards the stairs. "He's asleep on my bed, that's why I'm down here." Ezra forced a smile.
Chris nodded. "So how do you feel apart from being sore?"
Ezra could feel the lifelong defence of anger building but he knew that it wouldn't work so he held it down. "I'm feeling a bit better." He lied. The memory was still there in the back of his mind and he struggled to keep it there. His mother's voice was quiet but he knew that she was waiting for him to go against her upbringing so she could then say something. He wasn't going to give her the opportunity.
Chris decided to test him. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure." He told him as he kept his anger down.
"So how did you sleep?" Vin added.
"Actually I slept fine considering it was in a chair."
Chris shifted in his chair then leaned forward and took the plunge. "Josiah and the rest of us still want you to talk about it."
"Yeah I know." He was only going to tell them what they already knew and that was the beatings, he wasn't going to talk about the other thing. He pushed down harder on the memory as it threatened to come back. They all looked up as they heard the heavy footsteps on the stairs. Buck was on his way. "There goes the peace and quiet." Ezra commented to the others.
Chris and Vin relaxed as Ezra did seem to be better, the rest of the day would tell though, they would wait to see how he was going to react to Nathan checking him over and then the request for him to talk about the memories that were haunting him.
Ezra smiled at Buck as he sat down. "So Buck, what is it like to wake up in a man's bed for a change?" Buck looked at him and pretended to be hurt, he lifted his hand to hit Ezra as he usually did when they were joking around but he saw him flinch back and the fear as it flashed through his eyes.
"Sorry Ezra." Buck suddenly felt very bad.
"That's alright Buck, it's not your fault that my Uncle beat me." He didn't look away from them, he needed to keep the act up and get through the day so they would then leave him alone.
Ezra had faltered when Buck raised his arm, he had to make sure that he didn't do it again as they were all watching him closely and they would see it and know that there was something still wrong. He glanced up as the other members of the group walked into the saloon, the expressions of surprise not hidden from their faces as they did not expect him to be up. He gave them a small smile knowing that anything more would look forced.
Nathan sat next to Ezra and looked at him carefully, he could see that Ezra was pale and the lump on the side of his head had subsided leaving a bruise that had begun to darken.
"I am sure that you want to do more than look Nathan." Ezra said to him. This was going to be the hardest test. He was not going to like the touch but he would have to keep control.
"Huh?" Nathan was stunned, he expected an argument to even get Ezra to allow him to check him over.
"Would you prefer to check my injuries in the clinic?" Ezra saw Chris frown out of the corner of his eye. "I would prefer to do this now so I can get it over and done with."
"The clinic, I want to check your stitches and change your bandages as well." Nathan told him.
Ezra reluctantly got up and leaving the blanket behind he followed Nathan out of the saloon, he didn't fail to notice that Chris was right behind him. Ezra had thought that Nathan would say no and take a few minutes but it was going to take a lot longer now they were going to Nathan's room and he was going to take his time as he had more or less given Nathan his permission to check him over. 'Oh great.' But he kept the thought to himself.
Nathan opened the door and followed Ezra and Chris into the room, he watched as Ezra sat carefully on the bed.
"You want to take your shirt off Ezra." Nathan washed his hands first and while he did this, he could sense Ezra's eyes on him. He turned and caught the stare just before he diverted his eyes. Nathan looked at the bruises that were starting to form on his chest.
Ezra first felt the touch on the side of his head and gasped at the pain that was there. Nathan continued to press against the growing bruise for a couple of minutes. "You had a nasty bump Ezra, but it's just a bruise now. Have you still got a headache?"
"I do now." Ezra grimaced at him.
Nathan then removed the bandages that covered the knife wounds in his side, chest and arms. He probed the wounds to find that the stitches were still fine and they were healing well, so he decided not to rebandaged them. "I'll leave the stitches in for another week Ezra and then take them out." He then pressed against the injured ribs, which still felt fine, he left the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs on as they still needed some support. He looked up at Ezra as he noticed that he had become silent.
It was taking all of Ezra's concentration and control not to push Nathan away or to tell him to leave him alone. Nathan was taking his time and each time he touched a wound Ezra wanted to lash out as it made him think of his Aunt as she took care of his wounds. She had called a Doctor but only after, she had patched him up, as she had put it. He gripped his hands on the edge of the mattress and continued to control himself.
Nathan stepped back and examined Ezra for a moment, his face seemed blank and his eyes glassy. "Ezra?" Chris had also noticed and came to face him. "Ezra?" Nathan raised his voice.
Ezra blinked his eyes and came back. "Sorry Nathan, I was somewhere else for a moment." He knew he would have to more or less tell the truth because he wasn't going to be able to explain it otherwise.
"Where?" Asked Chris.
"Take a guess."
"Your Uncle?"
"Correct first time." Ezra wished that he was anywhere but here. He hated this. He wanted to push them away, he wanted the anger to take control and if Nathan didn't finish soon he knew that he would allow the anger to do what it had done all his life.
"Everything's fine Ezra, the wounds are healing and so are your ribs but you are going to be very sore in a couple of days when the bruises come out on your chest. The only thing I want you to do is get some rest and take things easy for a week."
"That's all?" Ezra raised his eyebrows.
"You can put your shirt back on and go back to the saloon and have something to eat." Nathan smiled. "Sorry I forgot about that part."
Ezra did as he was told as he was grateful for the chance to get away and not have to come back for a week. When they arrived back at the saloon, they found that the others were already eating their breakfast. Ezra wasn't hungry but he forced himself to eat something. He only had one more hurdle and that was talking about things but he had talked himself out of many things so he didn't think that it would be a problem.
They all ate their breakfast in silence, each glancing up at Ezra and then back at their food. Ezra could see them doing this and he knew they were waiting for him to talk but he wasn't going to do that, if they wanted him to talk then they would have to start it. When he had enough to eat, he pushed his plate away. They all frowned at the plate that was still half-full. Buck coughed behind his hand.
"Yes Buck." Ezra raised an eyebrow at him.
"Nothing." He muttered.
"What he means is were ready to listen if you’re ready to talk." Josiah explained Buck's attempt at getting Ezra to start talking to them.
"To all of you?" Ezra didn't want that.
"You don't have to talk to all of us. Which one of us would you be more comfortable talking to?" Josiah asked him.
'Which one would be most gullible.' Ezra thought to himself but that would only make them suspicious. He would have to pick the most obvious. "You mainly because I have already talked to you once about it." Ezra had remembered that time and he had only spoken to Josiah because he didn't have a choice and even then, he had surprised himself.
Everyone got up to leave.
"No, you stay. I'd rather go outside. I need some fresh air anyway."
They moved outside and sat in two of the chairs that faced the main street of the town. Ezra looked at the people who walked passed and wonder if their life was as complicated as his. He sat quietly and allowed the sun to cover him with its warmth. He could feel Josiah watching him, waiting for him to start.
"I don't really know what to tell you Josiah. I said most of it the first time round."
"Why don't you tell me about the memory that came back to you, the one that scared you so much. The one that made you cry in your sleep." Josiah suggested. He knew that this was going to be hard for Ezra and that he may have to lead him through it. He watched as Ezra tensed up.
"You really know where to hit a guy don't you." Ezra had nearly lost everything, his poker face, his control and the memory threatened to come back. He fought it to keep control. "It was the time that he nearly beat me to death. I had pushed it from my mind and forgotten it. I only knew it happened because someone told me about it."
"Hard thing to remember."
"It was like reliving the whole thing for the first time and it did scare me." Ezra was mostly telling the truth but he wasn't going to tell Josiah everything. He continued to talk for another thirty minutes repeating things that he had already told him and other things that would not allow Josiah to catch onto the real reason for his fear. When he thought that, he had said enough he sat quietly and waited for Josiah to do his part.
"Why wouldn't you talk to us about it?" Josiah asked him as he knew that he wasn't going to say anymore.
"Because I never had to before. No one has ever pushed me like you guys do." He turned to Josiah and saw the pity that was on his face, his mother had kept quiet until now. She told him that it was pity. Ezra actually wondered if he was going crazy as he had never heard his mother talk to him so much before, not even in person. "And your all very lucky that I didn't shoot any of you for it."
"Do you think that you would be able to talk about other things when they bother you?" Josiah wasn't sure how Ezra was going to answer it but he smiled when he did as he knew that Ezra was feeling better.
"Let's put it this way Josiah, you won't have to push me so far next time. Maybe just a prod here and there will get me to spill everything."
They stayed outside and began to talk about other things, Ezra was glad of the change of subject. He had gotten them off his back and they would now leave him alone. After a long period of time, the others came out to see how things were going and they smiled when they heard them both laughing. The rest of the day passed easily for both Ezra and everyone else and over the next week things got back to normal and then Maude arrived.
***
Ezra watched as Buck paced up and down the boardwalk in front of the saloon. He was impatient for some reason and Ezra had not failed to notice that the others were also fidgeting. He watched in amusement as most of them tried to hide it. Chris and Vin were doing very well but Ezra was better at reading people than they thought. JD was hopeless and the others gave away the tell tales signs of something being amiss.
"Is there something going on that I should know about?" Ezra asked the group and smiled as JD feigned a look of innocence.
"Just enjoying the warm weather Ezra." Chris explained to him. He realised that Ezra knew that something was up and this also meant that he would find out that they knew Maude was coming. The stagecoach was due in thirty minutes and Chris wanted Ezra out of the way when it arrived as he wanted to talk to Maude before she spoke to Ezra. He had told everyone that they needed to keep him occupied but so far, they had all failed in their attempts. When he had refused to go inside and play poker, they knew that they were wasting their time so they gave up.
It had been a warm morning and Ezra was enjoying the weather. He had been spending a lot of time outdoors and had been leaving a lamp on during the night as he slept. He kept the lamp low just so it was enough to stop the suffocating darkness that kept wanting Ezra to relive his memory. But his mind had been peaceful for the last couple of days and he knew that it wouldn't be much longer before the memory was locked away in the back of his mind. He could feel the light sheen of sweat on his body and it had caused his healing wounds to itch. He waited until Nathan wasn't looking and scratched the wound on his chest. He could feel the stitches pulling and he wanted them out but Nathan wouldn't take them out.
"Ezra stop scratching them." Nathan had caught him.
"I wouldn't have to if you took them out." Ezra retorted. He made sure that the anger he felt at being chided did not show in his voice.
Nathan had a thought, he looked at Chris and raised his eyebrow. "We can take them out now Ezra or tomorrow morning at nine." He saw the frown form on Ezra's face. "So shall we go up to the clinic now and take them out or do you want to get up early tomorrow?"
Ezra knew he was only trying to get him out of the way. "I'll wait."
"If you don't show up at nine tomorrow you will have to wait another day." Nathan told him.
"I'll wait." Ezra repeated. He was actually beginning to worry as whatever it was they were waiting for it was serious. They wouldn't be going through so much trouble to get rid of him otherwise.
Chris sighed silently, they were never going to get rid of him. He saw Mary approaching from Clarion, a smile on her face. He remembered that she was expecting an old friend. "So what do you think she'll look like Buck?" He hoped that he would catch on.
"Well you know what Mary said. Sarah is a vision of beauty." Buck had caught on. "You sure you don't want a game of poker Ezra."
"Are you gentlemen trying to tell me that you want to get rid of me because there is a beautiful woman arriving on the stage." Ezra wasn't sure if he believed them or not.
"With your manners and charm what luck do we have with her." Buck smiled at him but he could see the doubt on Ezra's face.
"None." Ezra allowed the forced smile to appear on his face and hoped that it looked genuine. He didn't believe that was the reason for them wanting to get rid of him.
"Good morning gentlemen." Mary greeted them as she arrived. She kept the smile on her face when she saw that Ezra was there. Mary looked at Chris who shrugged at her in return.
"Morning Mary." They each answered her.
"Mrs Travis do you have a friend arriving on the stage this morning?" Ezra asked her.
"Yes I do Mr Standish. Are you as eager to meet her as everyone else seems to be?" Mary had known what was happening.
"Vision of beauty is she?" Ezra repeated Buck's phrase and waited to see if the expression that her face held faltered but it didn't.
"Yes she is." Her smile was genuine but Ezra still didn't believe that was why they didn't want him there.
"Well then gentlemen I will leave you to it so as not to embarrass you with my charm and good looks." Ezra rose from his chair. "I am going to have a drink." He tipped his hat to Mary and made his way back into the saloon.
Everyone sighed in relief as they watched him disappear into the saloon. Ezra made his way to the counter and ordered a bottle of whiskey. Once he had done this he made his way back to the front of the saloon and hid himself in the shadows and waited to see what it was that were hiding from him. He watched as Buck continued to pace and he stepped back each time he passed him. None of them spoke as they continued to wait for the coach. Ezra could feel his anger at the situation rising. They were hiding something from him and he didn't like it.
All heads turned to the sound of the stagecoach rumbling into town. Josiah looked behind him but did not see Ezra so he turned back and waited as everyone else did. The stagecoach came to a stop and as the dust settled the driver threw the luggage to the ground, he wasn't going to carry that again. He remembered the last time that woman was on the stage. He then jumped off and opened the door.
Ezra watched as Mary ran forward when a woman stepped from the coach. 'Must be Sarah.' He thought. She was indeed a vision of beauty, he could see her pale face that was framed by her brown hair. Her smile grew as she sighted Mary and Ezra realised that this woman had an aura about her that made her beautiful in her own way. He was not able to make out the colour of her eyes from this distance but he would find out later. She stepped down from the coach into Mary's waiting arms.
Ezra was about to turn away when he saw another figure exiting the coach, he moved closer and the glass that was in his hand fell and shattered as it hit the saloon floor. He took another step closer, he couldn't believe it, and his mother was here. He suddenly felt the memory forcing its way back to his conscious, he could hear his mother's voice as it spoke to him, denying that what these men felt for him was concern and most of all he could feel the fear when it squeezed his heart as the darkness closed around him. Just the sight of his mother brought it all back to him in a violent wave of emotions. His knees buckled and he didn't feel any pain as his head hit the floor of the saloon just as the glass had done seconds before.
The hired lawmen watched as Mary's friend exited the stage and silently agreed with her description. They each took in her fair complexion, which was framed by brown hair that only seemed to highlight her face even more. When she smiled at Mary, her eyes sparkled with intelligence and humour. This woman was as beautiful inside as she was out. Each man would have been there immediately to help her with her luggage but they were there for another reason.
Their mood changed instantly as Maude followed her out of the stagecoach.
Maude looked on at the reunion of two friends and then saw the six men behind them. She smiled at them and kept the smile on her face when she saw the grim expressions, she didn't fail to notice that Ezra was not there. She then saw her luggage on the dirt floor of main street.
"Be careful of my luggage that is genuine leather you are handling." She told them in disgust.
Chris stepped forward. "Maude." He didn't hide the coldness that he felt towards her, he did not feel any kindness towards this woman for what she had done to Ezra.
"Mr Larabee." She looked over his shoulder. "Where is Ezra?"
"He's . . . "
"Mr Larabee." Someone yelled from behind the group of men. Chris turned to him. "There's something wrong with Mr Standish." The bartender yelled to him and then ran back into the saloon with the men following him.
They ran in to the saloon to find Ezra lying on the floor in an unconscious state. Chris and Nathan knelt down beside him as the others watched. Nathan quickly checked him over and found a small bump on the back of his head. He looked up at the bartender.
"What happened." Nathan demanded to know.
"I don't know, one minute he was standing there looking out the window and the next he fell down." He explained as he fidgeted with his glasses. "But he did drop his glass first, that's what made me look up and I saw him fall."
"He must have seen her." Nathan told Chris.
"Are you saying he fainted?" Buck wanted to know as he looked down at Ezra's pale face.
"Only thing that I can think of." Nathan was worried about the fact that Ezra had fainted at the sight of his mother. "He hit his head on the floor as well."
"Is my son drunk?" Maude asked from inside the doorway.
Chris had been keeping his anger in control, he was going to be calm when he spoke to her, he wanted to explain in simple terms what Ezra had been going through and then he was going to wait for her reaction. If he didn't like it, then he was going to tell her a few home truths but not anymore.
"No he is not drunk!" He raised his voice at her and moved towards her quickly enough to make her flinch back from him. "Your son has been going through hell because of you and the way you brought him up!" Chris wanted to continue but he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face Josiah.
"This is not the time or place Chris." He nodded towards the unmoving form on the floor. "Ezra needs us, you can talk to Mrs Standish later." Maude frowned when Josiah did not use her first name as he always did.
Chris turned and stared at Maude. "We'll continue this later." He made to turn but stopped. "That is if you have the courage to face the results of your son's upbringing."
Chris turned to find that Josiah had already picked Ezra up and was on his way to the stairs. He gave Maude one last look and followed the others up to Ezra's room. He walked in to find Nathan and Josiah removing Ezra' jacket, guns and boots and after making him comfortable they stepped away.
"He's going to be alright isn't he Nathan?" JD asked him.
"Physically yeah." He answered him.
"And what do you mean by that?" Vin wanted to know.
"He must have fainted and it would have to have been something emotional to cause it, there's no other reason that I can think of."
"Like he did that night when he remembered that memory of his Uncle beating him." Chris suggested.
"Yeah." Nathan looked over Chris's shoulder to see Maude standing in the doorway. Everyone turned when they heard her cough to indicate that she had made an appearance.
Chris walked back to the door, smiled at Ezra's mother and then closed the door in her face. He turned and went and sat on the bed as he ignored the looks of surprise from the others. "He didn't tell us everything did he."
"No he didn't." Josiah agreed. "But he seemed to be doing okay the last week."
"He obviously conned us." Chris told them.
They found a spot to wait as they always seemed to do and hoped that when Ezra woke up he was going to feel okay, especially now that he knew his mother was in town. The knock at the door made them all jump, even Chris.
***
Maude was shocked when the door was closed in her face. She was angry, Chris had asked her to come and now he is shutting her out of her son's life. She waited a few minutes then knocked on the door, intending to get answers as to why she was being treated like this. It was a few minutes before someone answered her demand for entrance into her son's room. She saw that it was Josiah and she knew that he would let her in. She stepped forward only to find Josiah stepped towards her.
"Josiah would you please let me in. I would like to know what is going on." She demanded.
"Not now. The last thing Ezra needs is to see you when he wakes up." He said softly.
"I will not stand for this." She looked around him and saw Chris sitting on the bed with Ezra. "Mr Larabee asked me to come and now he has changed his mind. Is that it?"
"No, Chris will tell you what's going on. We all will. But you will have to wait." He again closed the door, stopping her from going into the room.
Maude turned on her heel and went downstairs to wait. She intended to give these men a piece of her mind. From what she saw of Ezra there was nothing really wrong with him and if all this was a false alarm then there will be hell to pay, especially from Ezra.
***
Mary had watched as the men ran into the saloon, she wanted to find out what had happened to Ezra but she kept control as her friend was with her and she couldn't leave her standing in the street.
"I'll wait if you want to go and see how your friend is." Sarah knew that Mary was concerned about the man called Standish, she could see it in her face. Mary turned to her and smiled.
"Why don't we take care of you first and then come back and see how Ezra is and then I can introduce you to all of the men at the same time." She took her friends arm and began to walk to the hotel.
"I am looking forward to meeting these men that you keep writing to me about." Sarah allowed Mary to lead her to the Hotel unaware that she herself will have to risk her own life to save Ezra Standish.
***
Ezra was in the cellar again but this time he was an adult and the cellar was his mind, he couldn't escape the emotions or the memory. His mother had brought it all back and he didn't know how to stop it. He could feel them as strongly as the blows that were inflicted on his small frail body when his Uncle beat him. The emotions hurt his soul as the punches and kicks hurt his body. He screamed out at the pain and then heard the other noises, the rats. They had also invaded his mind and he tried to push himself away from them.
The six men flinched as the scream filled the small room. Nathan moved to the bed and tried to use his voice to calm Ezra down but he only seemed to make him worse as he struggled to get away from him. He watched as Ezra started to shake uncontrollably.
"Ezra?" Nathan gently slapped Ezra's face to bring him out of it but Ezra raised his arms over his face to protect himself. He looked up as Josiah came over and gently took Ezra's arms and pulled them down.
Ezra continued to struggle against what he was feeling and then he felt the slap against his face and even though it wasn't hard, he tried to protect himself anyway. He put his arms in front of his face as he had so often done when he was child. His Uncle Jack wasn't the only relative to hit him. He struggled to get of the cellar and thought that he was succeeding but then he saw the light that was breaking through, he didn't want the light, and he wanted darkness.
"Ezra?" Nathan used just his voice this time.
Ezra could hear someone calling him, he flinched back as the light that shone through his mind and the voice that added to the scurrying noises told him his Uncle was coming for him. He withdrew into the corner and pulled his knees up against his chest and waited for the beating.
"We have to wake him." Nathan told Josiah in a strained voice. They couldn't stop Ezra from curling up into a ball.
"He's closing himself off from everything, if we don't wake him up now we might not be able to later."
"How are you going to do that when he won't respond to you?" Chris came forward.
There was another knock at the door and Chris bounded towards it intending to use a lot of uncolourful language if it was Maude. He relaxed though as he saw Mary and her friend Sarah standing in the hallway. "Sorry Mary, I thought you were Maude."
"That's okay Chris." She turned to her friend. "Sarah this is Chris Larabee. Chris this is my old friend Sarah Doherty." She suddenly noticed the concern that lined his face. "We came to see how Ezra was."
Chris hung his head. "He's not good Mary."
"What happened?"
"Long story." Chris jumped again as another scream came from Ezra. He looked into the room to see Nathan and Josiah trying to hold Ezra down, he had begun to struggle against them.
"Is there something we can do?" Sarah asked him in a gentle voice that showed that she was concerned even though Ezra was a stranger to her.
"Maybe there is. Nathan wants to wake him up but he won't respond to us, maybe a female voice will get through to him." He stepped aside and allowed them into the room. He heard Mary gasp as she saw the condition that Ezra was in. He stepped up beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Would you like me to have a go?" Sarah asked Nathan. "Mr Larabee said that maybe a female voice might help more."
Nathan looked up at the woman who had gotten off the stagecoach earlier. He looked back down at Ezra's sweating face. "Sure anything is worth a try, we have to get him to wake up."
Josiah and Nathan stepped back and allowed Sarah to sit down next to Ezra who had calmed down a bit once the hands were no longer trying to hold him down. She first placed her hand on his forehead but he moved away.
"That won't work." Chris told her. "He doesn't like to be touched."
She took her hand away and watched as he calmed down again while taking in every part of the handsome face. Mary had told her that Ezra Standish was a handsome man but she never told her how handsome he was. "Ezra can you hear me? My name is Sarah, I want to help you." She waited a moment. "Ezra, we need you to wake up."
Ezra could hear another voice in the darkness and it was not his Uncle's. He listened and found it to be calming. The light continued to grow stronger as the voice talked to him. It wanted him to wake up but he didn't, he only wanted to leave the cellar. He wanted a comforting darkness that didn't allow him to feel the pain of the memories or the real world. He fought it as long as he could as he knew if he woke up, he would have to relive it. He groaned at the thought.
"That's it Ezra, come back to us. You need to wake up." Sarah continued.
Ezra started to remember other things. He thought of his mother and realised that she was here in town, he also realised that the others were waiting for her, they knew she was coming and they didn't tell him. He felt the anger replace the fear, he wanted to wake up now, and he wanted to find out what was going on. He struggled to get out of what was left of the darkness in his mind. The voice became clearer and he opened his eyes.
Sarah held her breath as she looked into the angry green eyes that returned her gaze. She quickly got up from the bed and moved away from Ezra. "He's awake." She told Chris. She then moved to Mary and led her out of the room and away from the anger that was about to fill it.
Chris knelt down in front of Ezra who was still curled up in a ball. He knew he had to be careful as he too saw the anger that his eyes held. "Ezra?"
"Why is my mother here?" Ezra asked him calmly.
"She came to see you." Chris looked at the others and saw that they were holding their breaths and yet ready to take control of the situation that may start.
Ezra knew there was more to it than that. "Why?" He held everything back, the fear, the anger and the hatred that seemed to be growing for the men who would not leave him alone. "Why is she here Chris?"
"I asked her to come." Chris knew he wouldn't be able to keep it from him. They would get this out of the way and then deal with what was happening with Ezra. But Chris was not prepared for Ezra's reaction to his confession.
Ezra was so quick Chris didn't even see his fist, the only thing he felt was the pain when it connected with the side of his head. The force of it knocked him off the bed and he then felt Ezra's weight on him as he landed more blows to his body. He didn't fight back as he didn't want to hurt Ezra anymore than he already was.
Ezra had lost complete control when Chris told him that he had asked his mother to come to Four Corners. He hit Chris as hard as he could and followed him as he fell off the bed, he jumped onto him to hold him down, he used his fists to continue hitting him but he felt hands pulling him off so he started to kick out at him. He missed though as the hands pulled him away.
"Ezra that's enough." Josiah spoke into his ear using a gentle voice.
"Let go of me!" Ezra shouted at them as he struggled to get away from the hands that held him. "Let me go!"
"Only if you are going to stop hitting Chris." Buck told him. He had hold of Ezra's other arm.
"I'm not going to punch him, I'm going to kill the bastard!" Ezra yelled at them.
Josiah took the hold of the arm that Buck was holding and swung Ezra around towards him. "Ezra!" Josiah had Ezra's body facing him but his eyes were still looking at Chris who was getting up off the floor. "Ezra look at me!" Josiah shouted at him as he shook him. "Ezra!"
Ezra turned and saw Josiah in front of him and his anger changed direction, he tried to attack him but Josiah's strong hands held him away from him. Josiah had no choice as Ezra had lost control, he hit him. Ezra fell to the floor and looked up at Josiah as he rubbed his jaw. He saw nothing but pity there. He got up and grabbed his jacket and headed for the door only to find Buck blocking it.
"Get out of the way." Buck stood still. "Now!" Ezra shouted at him.
"Buck step out of the way." Chris told him. Buck looked at him and then nodded as he moved aside.
Ezra turned to the men in the room. "If any of you come near me again I'll kill you!" He left the room and the men who were standing still with open mouths.
"He doesn't mean that. Does he?" JD asked. He was shocked at Ezra's reaction, he had never seen the gambler like that before. He quickly wiped the tear before it fell.
"No he doesn't JD, he's angry, very angry." Josiah patted him on the shoulder as though to reassure him even though he wasn't confident about it himself. They followed Ezra out of the room and down the stairs to find another confrontation that had started in the saloon.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
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