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azombiewritesTitle: The Search
Fourteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: The seven search for a friend of Mary's when she goes missing from Four Corners but when Ezra finds her, he also finds the reason for her going missing.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fourteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 38,144
Part Four
Ezra didn't lose consciousness when his head hit the wall but it did cause him to seek refuge in a corner of his mind as the force of the blow was almost as hard as when his Uncle had slammed his head against the kitchen floor. He hadn't lost consciousness then either and the beating had continued. Ezra opened his eyes and saw his Aunt watching as the scene unfolded before her, he moaned as the new memory came to him and tore at his heart. She hadn't helped him, she had allowed her husband to beat him again.
"Help me plea . . . " Another blow to the kidney cut off his cry for help. She ignored him and continued to watch.
Sarah had heard Ezra ask for help but because he wasn't responding to her, she knew that he was talking to someone else, someone from his memory. She continued to talk to him, reassuring him that he was going to be okay, that they would find them soon.
The beating had stopped but instead of finding himself in his small room, he was in the cellar again. Ezra waited for the pain to begin but there wasn't any. He could hear a voice talking to him and he at first thought that it was his Aunt but the voice was comforting, his Aunt's never was.
"Sarah?" His voice broke and he fought back the tears that threatened to fall, he roughly wiped his eyes, if his mother saw him now she would be ashamed. She would tell him how disappointed she was in him for showing these feelings.
"I'm still here Ezra, I'm not leaving you." She reassured him. Sarah knew that he was struggling to keep control, she wished that he would let go.
"She wouldn't help me." He spoke more to himself than to Sarah.
"Who wouldn't help you Ezra?"
Ezra turned away from her and shut himself off and by doing so he put himself back into his memory. He heard the door open and his Uncle came down with a tray of food, he didn't even look at Ezra when he placed it at the bottom of the steps. Ezra knew that he wasn't going to let him out. He didn't yell at him anymore as his voice had become hoarse from all the shouting that he had already done. He sat in the corner as he had been doing for three weeks and watched his Uncle's back disappear up the stairs. Ezra was now afraid that he was going to die here, that he was never going to get out, not even when his mother came for him - if she did. Each time she left him with someone, he wasn't sure if she would come back for him. It had always been a shock when she did and he hoped that she would keep him with her but she never kept him for long. He remembered the longest time that he stayed with his mother was four months and that was because she couldn't find anyone to leave him with.
He knew that she never wanted him, he just wouldn't admit it to himself. He couldn't understand why she kept him though, why she didn't just leave him on a doorstep somewhere. He found out why when she first used him for a con. The tears fell but he made no sound to accompany them and he made no attempt to stop them, he couldn't even though he knew what his mother would think of him for allowing them to fall. He could hear Sarah's voice trying to break through again but he pushed it away. He wanted to block everything out but he couldn't. The fear wouldn't leave him that was the worst thing as it made him feel so vulnerable and weak. He should have been able to control it and not let it control him as it was doing.
Ezra decided he had two choices, he either let this thing take his sanity or he took control. He decided on the latter. He needed his anger back or he wouldn't be able to do it. Ezra needed to lash out at something, anything but remembered that it would be the same as the other emotions that he wasn't allowed to show but he decided not to listen to his mother, if she didn't want him then he wasn't going to listen to her.
He had to shut emotions and the memory away, he had to get control of these feelings that were roaring through him at an uncontrollable rate and the only way to do it was to get back to the real world, if he stayed here, he would drown in them. He tried to focus on the voice that he could hear in the distance, if he allowed it to bring him back then he would be able to gain control.
"Come on Ezra, I want to hear your voice, talk to me." Sarah called to him.
"I'm here there is no need to shout." He muttered. Ezra managed to find his way back thanks to Sarah's voice, now he needed to gain control over his emotions.
"Are you okay?" She asked him.
"I'm fine. I lost it there for a moment but I'm fine now." He could still feel himself shaking though and he fought harder to push it all to the back of his mind.
Ezra had nearly gained control when the cellar door opened, he jumped to his feet and was ready to fight for his life if his Uncle came for him. He concentrated on what he was seeing, three men came down the stairs, one of them with a lamp and he realised that he was still in the real world, he was still ready to fight for his life though as these men just gave him an opportunity to get out of his nightmare.
"Sarah stay behind me." Ezra quietly told her. He could feel her move behind him, he stepped towards the men.
"Were taking the woman with us." David told him.
"She's not going with you but you are going to let us out." Ezra growled at him, he could feel his anger as it finally returned to him.
"You are one stubborn SOB aren't you?" Mack laughed at Ezra.
"You are correct on both statements." Ezra took another step closer to them.
"You're staying put and she is going to help us get out of town. Seems your disappearance has gathered a crowd so were leaving before they find us." David informed him and pointed his gun in Ezra's direction. "Mack get the woman."
Mack stepped forward and then around Ezra as he saw the look in his eyes, it wasn't fear that he saw anymore. When he looked away from him, Ezra spun around and hit him in the kidney area and enjoyed his scream as it echoed through the cellar but the scream reminded him of his own. He shook it off and hit the man on the side of the head as he collapsed to the floor.
"Anymore and she's dead." David growled at him.
Ezra turned back around and saw that David had his arm wrapped around Sarah's throat, his gun against her forehead. Ezra hung his head, during his loss of concentration, John had grabbed Sarah, and if he didn't get control of himself, he was going to end up getting her killed. "Mack, John go upstairs." He waited for them to leave. "I take it that you don't want to stay down here anymore." David smiled. "Well maybe I'll take you up on your first request and leave your corpse here."
Sarah watched as the gun passed by her face and she knew instantly that he was going to shoot. She pushed his arm away as the gun fired and screamed when she saw Ezra go down, she continued to scream as she was dragged up the stairs. Sarah's final image of Ezra was his body lying in an unmoving heap in the darkened cellar. The door was slammed shut behind them.
"What did you shoot him for?" Mack calmly asked him as he locked the cellar door again.
"He got me angry." David answered.
"I'm glad you got rid of your anger but those people out there would have heard it and they are going to be here any minute now!" Mack yelled at him.
"Then why are we still here?" John asked both of them.
"Maybe because you were too stupid to leave sooner." Chris Larabee answered him from the open doorway.
They had searched the town separately for the last half hour and still found no sign of Sarah or Ezra. Now they were in a group hoping that one of them would see something that the others missed. No one spoke as they did not want to miss any sort of noise that may let them know where their missing friends were. But they could not help but hear the gunshot that came from the empty house at the end of the street. They ran towards the sound but quietly entered the house to hear the men arguing, they also saw Sarah but Ezra was not in the room.
Three men turned to face the hired lawmen as they spread out into the room, their guns covering all of them. The man holding Sarah pulled her in front of him using her body to protect his own.
"Were going to leave here." David growled at Chris. Had been taken by surprise when the six men entered the house, he had made a big mistake shooting the man in the cellar and now he was going to pay for it.
"No you’re not." Buck told him.
"Sarah is Ezra here?" Chris asked her.
"He's in the cellar, he shot him, I don't know if he's alive or not." She kept her hope alive as she did not want Ezra to die in a place that he was afraid of.
Six guns were suddenly cocked and aimed at David. "Drop the guns and let the lady go or all of you are dead."
"No, were leaving . . ." David began.
"This isn't up for discussion." Chris said coldly. "Nathan go and see to Ezra, Josiah you help him."
John and Mack dropped their guns, they didn't want to go back to jail but they didn't want to die either. David was the one that shot the guy and if he was dead then it was David who would hang not them.
"What are you doing?" He yelled at them.
"Where's the key to the cellar?" Josiah asked. Mack threw the key to Josiah and watched as he opened the door and then follow the other man down.
"Put your gun down." Chris told him. The scream that came from the cellar made David jump, Sarah felt his hold loosen so she pushed him away from her and at the same time allowed herself to fall to the floor, Chris shot the man in the right shoulder, and he fell to the ground in a bloody heap. The four gunmen didn't move, they stayed and kept the two men under cover and waited for the Nathan and Josiah to bring Ezra up to the room.
***
Ezra felt the bullet as it tore through his left shoulder, knocking him to the ground. He lay stunned for a moment as he realised that if Sarah hadn't pushed the gunman's arm up he would no longer be breathing, he would have died down here, and he heard the cellar door close again and knew that he could still die down here. And this time he was on his own. Ezra tried to concentrate on the pain to stop himself from losing control as the fear came back to him but it was beating him, he couldn't stop himself from curling up against the fear as it took control again. Ezra didn't even feel the pain in his shoulder anymore.
He heard shouting from above and knew that his Uncle was coming for him, he heard him unlock the door and saw the light as it was opened. Ezra didn't move away from him, he couldn't stop him from beating him even if he wanted to. He waited for the touch and couldn't stop the scream escaping from his mouth when he felt it on his shoulder.
"Ezra it's Nathan. Ezra?" Nathan couldn't get him to respond to him. "Ezra?" Nathan had come down the stairs first and he had seen Ezra lying in a ball on the ground, he thought he was dead but when he touched him, the scream reached his ears. He tried to move him onto his back but Ezra wouldn't move. "I'm going to check him for a wound and then I want you to carry him out of here Josiah." Nathan did the worst thing that he could have done. He used his hands to squeeze Ezra's limbs looking for the gunshot wound, he found it high in Ezra's left shoulder. When he squeezed it, Ezra cried out and violently pushed Nathan away from him.
Ezra had been lying in the darkness of his room when his Aunt came in to take care of the injuries. He groaned at her touch as she squeezed harder than she needed to, when she pulled his skin as she stitched the wound on the side of his head and when she wrapped his broken ribs to tight. She had told him to shut up and stop making those noises as he had deserved what he got. He could feel someone moving their hands over his body now and then he screamed in agony as they squeezed his shoulder, he pushed whoever it was away.
Ezra noticed the light in the cellar as the pain had brought him back from the nightmare and he saw Josiah leaning over him, he looked around and saw Nathan coming towards him. "Get away from me Nathan." Ezra said this in a very calm voice and then struggled to get up. He felt Josiah's hands on him and he pushed him away. "Don't touch me." His voice was still calm.
"Ezra your hurt, sit down and let us take care of you." Josiah said to him.
"I don't need that kind of help." Ezra pushed past him and made his way to the stairs. At that moment the only thing that Ezra could feel were the punches and kicks that his Uncle gave him, he was aware of his surroundings but his mind wouldn't allow it to stop the repeat of the beating that he received.
"Ezra will you stop and let me look at your shoulder." Nathan made to grab his arm but stopped when he saw the blank stare that Ezra gave him.
"Don't touch me." Ezra told him as he felt the fist hit the left side of his face, cracking his cheekbone, his body jerked at the memory. Ezra used both arms to help him climb the steps as he didn't feel the pain in his shoulder. He pushed himself out of the cellar and saw Sarah, at least she was okay, and he felt the large fist connect with the side of his head causing him to fall to the ground. Ezra walked past the shocked faces of his friends and out of the house. He ignored the sunshine and the fresh air and walked slowly down the street towards his room.
"What the hell is going on?" Chris asked Nathan as he came out of the cellar.
"I don't know Chris. Where is he?" Nathan needed to know, he had to go after him.
"He walked out. JD, Vin throw them in the cellar and then follow us." Chris ran out after the others and stopped as they did when they saw Ezra walking up the street. He looked so alone at that moment, his red jacket standing out against the dirt-lined street. They ran after him not knowing that he was reliving the beating, feeling each punch and kick as the fists and feet connected with his small frail body.
Ezra could hear them running after him but he wasn't going to listen to them, he would only say what he had to keep them away from him. He stopped and closed his eyes against the memory as his Uncle took a handful of hair and waited for the impact of his head hitting the kitchen floor, he shuddered and then wrapped his arms around himself. Ezra opened his eyes and saw Chris standing in front of him, the others were at his side, including Sarah.
"Keep away from me Chris." Ezra continued to speak calmly. He flinched as he felt his Uncle break four of his ribs with his boot. Ezra knew that he had held back because if he didn't he would have forced those broken ribs into his lung. He walked around Chris and kept moving as the memory continued.
"Ezra you have been shot, you need Nathan to take care of your wound." Chris had seen the blood soaking Ezra's waistcoat, he couldn't understand why he wasn't feeling any pain. Chris didn't know that Ezra was feeling pain, it was just a different pain, one from his past.
"I don't need Nathan to cause me anymore pain." Ezra bent over as he felt the pain tear through his back as his Uncle kicked him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he threw it off. "Don't touch me!" He yelled at Buck.
"Ezra, we want to help you. Will you please stop and let Nathan look at you." Buck pleaded with him.
"No." Ezra walked on, he turned into the main street and people began to see what was going on.
"We'll force you if we have to Ezra." Chris warned him.
"That Mr Larabee may cost someone their life." Ezra stared at him and Chris saw that Ezra's eye's held nothing but pain. He stood in front of Ezra and when he made to walk around him, he moved to block him again. Ezra turned and walked the other way only to have Josiah block his escape. Ezra slowly turned around and as he felt his Uncle's fist hit his uninjured side, breaking another two ribs, he hit Chris and the force of his blow knocked him to the ground. He stepped over him and headed to the saloon again. Josiah helped him up as the others went after Ezra.
"You okay Chris?" Josiah asked him.
"He's going to crack Josiah and I don't know what he's going to do when he does." Chris went to go after him when Sarah's voice stopped him.
"It's got something to do with the cellar, he didn't like being in there." Sarah explained to them hoping that it would help.
Chris nodded and they ran to catch up to Ezra again, the others had tried to stop him but they didn't succeed. They followed Ezra into the saloon and expected him to go to his room but he headed to the bar and grabbed a bottle from behind it. He didn't even bother using a glass, he drank straight from the bottle. He then leaned over and placed his head on the bar as he felt his left ankle break under his Uncle's foot. He waited out the remaining punches and kicks, each of them would leave large bruises on his body. When his Uncle was finished there was not going to be a part of Ezra's body that was not covered by a bruise or an injury. Ezra threw the bottle against the wall and watched as the liquid ran down to the floor.
"JD, Nathan get everyone out of the saloon. Buck go and . . ."
"I'm not leaving him Chris." Buck told him.
"Vin?" Vin step forward. "Go and get Maude, I want her to see this." He watched as Vin ran out of the saloon and as JD and Nathan emptied it. Now they were the only ones in there. He nodded to Josiah and they both walked up to Ezra and stood next to him.
"Ezra will you please tell us what's wrong." Josiah kept his voice calm as he was feeling a lot of anger towards the person who had caused Ezra all this pain. He had never seen the gambler so emotionally broken before and it had shocked him. It also tore at his own heart to see him like this. "At least let Nathan look at your shoulder. Ezra you bleeding, it's dripping on the floor. Nathan needs to stop it or else you are going to bleed to death."
Ezra slowly stepped back and looked down, he could see the blood on his shirt and on the floor at the base of the bar. He saw his small pale body lying in the blood that had come from the wound on the back of his head. "Oh no." He groaned. He started to shake, he was losing control again. All the feelings were now rushing back and he couldn't control them.
"Ezra?" Chris had to bend to look into Ezra's eyes as his head was bent down.
"He nearly killed me. Why?" Ezra asked Chris. "All I wanted was for him to leave me alone." Chris listened to what Ezra was saying, he heard the emotions in his voice, and he waited for him to say more.
"You wanted to see me Mr Larabee." Maude called to him from the saloon doors. Chris watched as Ezra's face changed at the sound of his mother's voice. He knew that this would happen, he expected it. He wanted Ezra to be angry as he knew that it was the only way he would let it all out. If he was quiet as he was a moment ago, he would only shut himself off to them. He needed Ezra to be angry but most of all he wanted Maude to see him when he did lose control.
"Sit down Maude, I think that Chris wants you to see what you have done to your son by not allowing him to show his emotions." Vin forced her into a chair.
"I do not wish to watch the show." Maude told him.
"Shut up mother." Ezra didn't turn to look at her.
"Ezra that is no way to talk to me, I am your mother." She spoke to him as she would have if he was a child.
"You're a mother who didn't want a child." Ezra spoke to her in a cold voice.
"That is not true." Maude defended herself.
Ezra ignored her, he didn't want anything to do with her anymore. He turned to make his way up to his room, he was tired and he wanted to sleep. Josiah stopped him. Ezra grimaced as he looked at the blood on his hands and saw his Uncle laughing at him as he lay in the blood. The blood had covered half of his body for two days, along with the dirt and smell of the cellar before his Aunt washed it off, she had only done it because the Doctor was coming. He could feel the hatred burning into his soul, it joined the fear and anger that was already there. Ezra didn't think that he could take anymore, he wanted a way out, and he wanted it to stop. He wanted the same escape that he wanted then. He wanted to die, he thought that it was the only way to get rid of the pain that tore at his soul.
Ezra leaned towards Josiah and as he did he pulled the gun from Josiah's holster, he then stepped back until his back hit the bar and he allowed himself to slide to the floor. Josiah didn't even realise that he had taken it. Everyone finally saw the gun as Ezra lifted it up.
"EZRA! NO!" Chris yelled at him.
"EZRA!" Buck ran forward.
"Don't come near me Buck." Ezra told him in a calm voice as he waved the gun in front of his eyes.
"Ezra, please don't do that." Ezra looked up at JD, for a fleeting moment, he thought he saw concern. He looked away and saw his mother watching him. He couldn't read her expression as she was wearing her poker face.
"Will someone then tell me how else am I supposed to stop the pain and the memory?" He asked in a quiet voice.
"You could talk to us about it Ezra. You can tell us what happened." Josiah told him.
"Talking about it will only bring me pity." Ezra growled at him, he was beginning to feel angry. Chris was glad to hear the anger finally taking control, now they might be able to get somewhere with him.
"Ezra will you tell us what happened." Buck asked as he came forward and sat down in front of him. Ezra didn't seem to notice how close he had come.
"I don't want to talk about it Buck, don't any of you realise that it's bad enough that I have to relive it in here." Ezra tapped his head with a closed fist and they all grimaced at the amount of force that he used. Maude though continued to watch her son. The emotions were beginning to take control of her own mind. She had never seen her son like this before, he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand and she was worried sick that he was going to take his own life.
"It will help you if you talk about it Ezra." Chris told him. "It helped me when I talked to Buck about my family’s murder."
"You are not like me Chris, something that works for you may not work for me. What if it makes me feel worse, what if it doesn't stop the pain?"
"Were a lot more alike than you think Ezra. We may not have gotten on at first but I consider you a good friend and I care what happens to you and before you say it, yes I do trust you as well. With my life Ezra."
"We all think the same way Ezra." Vin told him. The others voiced their agreement.
Ezra looked down at the gun and then threw it back at Josiah, he knew that the way things were going at the moment that he would probably miss or even worse only injure himself and then Nathan would get his hands on him. "And what do you think mother. Is this pity or concern they are showing me? Are they lying when they say they care about me?" He looked away in disgust when she didn't answer him.
"Tell us what happened Ezra." Chris told him.
"I can't." Ezra grimaced as he felt the pain in his shoulder, he hadn't felt it before now.
"Why not?" Josiah wanted to know. Ezra was beginning to feel nauseas. He leant his head back and closed his eyes. He saw his Uncle's face and his eyes flew open again.
"I don't want to feel the pain anymore Josiah." Ezra pulled his jacket off as he was also starting to feel warm.
"Ezra will you let me look at your shoulder." Nathan could see that Ezra had lost a lot of blood, his waistcoat was soaked with it. He was surprised that he hadn't passed out yet.
"No, you'll only hurt me like she did." Ezra tried to stand up but he sat back down again.
"Who's she?" Nathan asked him. Ezra didn't answer.
"Why don't you tell us why you didn't want to be in the cellar?" Chris asked him.
Ezra looked up at Sarah, she returned his stare. "I'm sorry Ezra, they needed to know."
Ezra pushed himself up off the floor with the intention of going to his room, the three men who were sitting around him stood up as well and they intended to stop him. Ezra stepped towards Josiah with a newfound strength as the anger began to take control again. They were trying to force him to talk about something that he wanted to forget. He knew that if talked about it he would only feel more pain, he'd had enough of that.
"Josiah move out of my way, I want to go to my room."
"No Ezra, you’re not going anywhere until you talk about it. Your Uncle beat you and the memory of it is tearing you apart, you need to get it out of your system, you need to talk about it."
"I don't need to talk about it, I need to forget it but you won't let me, none of you will." He was raising his voice now as the anger was becoming stronger.
"Did he use his feet Ezra or did he use his fists?" Chris asked him. "You were only twelve Ezra and he nearly killed you." Chris was trying to push him now that his anger was growing. He still didn't know what he was going to do when he cracked but he couldn't leave him like this. Only ten minutes ago, he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand. He wasn't going to leave him in that state.
"Apparently I deserved it." Ezra told him.
"No child deserves a beating like that Ezra." Buck growled at him, his own anger was building at Ezra's stubbornness and his refusal to talk about it.
"You said before that he did it because you wanted to be alone." Chris reminded him.
Ezra looked down at the floor as he thought about his Uncle throwing him in the cellar because he wanted to be alone. He couldn't help but laugh. He received a beating because he wanted to be alone and yet he continued to ask the same thing of people.
"Ezra tell us what happened." Buck said calmly.
"I am not going to go through that again so stop asking me to. I told you before that you were hurting me just as much as they did so will you please live it alone. I don't want to feel the pain anymore!" Ezra practically yelled at him. He tried to get to the stairs that led to his room but Josiah stopped him. Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms. "Let go of me Josiah." He could feel his grip tighten on his arms and he felt the pain in his shoulder worsen.
"You're hurting me, let go!"
"I'm sorry Ezra." Josiah let go of his arms but didn't move away from him.
Ezra turned away from him and tried to move to the saloon's exit, Buck stood before him. "Tell us what happened Ezra." Buck repeated in a stronger tone. Ezra could feel his world collapsing around him, he had to get away from these people, they wouldn't let the pain leave him, and they kept it there in his mind. He turned away from Buck and saw Chris. He was surrounded.
"Damn it Ezra, tell us what happened!" Buck yelled at him.
Ezra cracked, his anger took control and he let it out. "Fine!" He yelled back as he walked up to Buck. "You want to know what happened, I'll tell you what happened!" He continued to yell and they all listened, even Maude. "He was going to beat me because I spilt my milk onto the table." They watched as Ezra's body began to shake. "I asked him to leave me alone so he did!" He couldn't stop yelling, he was too angry. "He threw me in the cellar with the rats and he left me there for a month and when he finally let me out he beat me so badly I had to spend two months in a bed!"
Ezra stood in front of Buck, his body shaking as he waited for a response. "I'm sorry Buck, did I say something that I shouldn't have, and did I say the wrong thing. Isn't that what you wanted to hear." Ezra's voice was full of sarcasm. "I am only asking as I seemed to have shocked you into a state of silence." Ezra looked around at the others. They didn't know what to say, they expected him to say something about the beating, not that he was kept in a cellar for a month. They understood now.
"Doesn't anyone have anything to say!" He yelled at the group. "I didn't think so!" He walked towards the stairs and straight into Josiah again.
"I'm sorry Ezra but we are shocked." Josiah told him.
"Get the hell out of my way!" The anger and hatred had erupted and Ezra was letting it out and he was aiming it at his friends. He didn't feel the pain in his shoulder anymore and he didn't feel weak from the loss of blood that he suffered, all he felt was the anger and hatred that had taken control of his mind.
"Ezra you’re not finished, you have more to tell us." Josiah spoke calmly.
"I just told you what you wanted to know, there is nothing else to say." Ezra's voice was cold.
"You said they, you also said she. Someone else did something as well didn't they?" Everyone held their breath as Josiah spoke to Ezra. They could see that Ezra was seething with anger.
"Get out of my way!" Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms and turned Ezra's back to him, he then wrapped his arms around him, holding Ezra's arms against his chest and held him tight. He knew that he was hurting Ezra's shoulder but he also knew that Ezra needed to let it all out, he hadn't even started.
"Let go of me!" Ezra spat at him as he tried to get away from Josiah's grip.
"No Ezra." Josiah was surprised by Ezra's strength, he held on tighter. Everyone watched what Josiah was doing. He was holding Ezra against his chest in a hug, he was giving him the touch of concern that Ezra despised so much. He was hugging him and he wasn't going to let him go. Ezra though was fighting him as though his life depended on it.
"Josiah, please let me go." He continued to struggle. He didn't understand what Josiah was doing. Ezra kicked back and felt his boots connecting with Josiah's shins but the grip didn't loosen. "Josiah . . ." Ezra felt his own struggles weaken as his anger started to leave him, he didn't want it to leave, he tried one last attempt to keep the anger at the surface but it was fading fast, he felt the tears begin to replace the anger, tears that he didn't want to fall. He stopped struggling and allowed his head to fall to his chest as the tears wracked his already shaking body.
Josiah felt the anger leave Ezra's body as it was replaced by the tears and he knew that Ezra's knees were beginning to buckle as he felt his arms take more of the gambler's weight so Josiah lowered him to a sitting position on the floor. Without letting him go, he turned him around and hugged him closer making sure that his head was against his shoulder. Josiah placed his hand on Ezra's head and held him tight. He could feel Ezra's chest heaving and his hot tears as they soaked his own shirt. Josiah felt a tear fall down his own face but didn't make any effort to wipe it away as he didn't want to let go of Ezra.
Buck wiped his own face and moved forward, he sat down on the floor next them and placed his arm around Ezra's shaking shoulders. "Let it out Ezra, let it all out."
Ezra couldn't stop the tears as he also realised that these men did care for him, he could feel it in their touch and hear it in their voice's. His mother was wrong, if they pitied him, they would not be going through all this trouble to help him. He also knew that his mother was watching but that thought did not stop the tears. He had never felt so much pain as he did now. His chest ached as it constricted and heaved with the tears, his head hurt as he struggled to stop the emotions.
Nathan also began to move forward as he hoped that he could now take care of Ezra's shoulder but Vin stopped him.
"Wait Nathan, let him finish on his own first. Then you can fix him up."
"Okay Vin but I'm not going to leave him for too much longer, else he's going to bleed to death." Nathan agreed with him.
Vin looked across at JD and could see the emotions building on the young man's face, he walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder. "He should be okay now JD, I know it looks bad but it's what he needs." He watched as JD nodded but could tell that his words hadn't sunk in yet.
Chris clenched his fists as he watched what Josiah was doing, he listened to Ezra as he broke down and he actually felt his own heart breaking. If someone had told him six months ago that, he would feel like this, he would have hit them. He turned and looked at Maude. Her face showed no emotion as she watched her son shed his tears and he couldn't believe the sight of Josiah hugging Ezra as he cried didn't move her. Ezra was her son and she seemed to be feeling nothing. He walked over to the table and grabbed her by her arm and pulled her from her chair, he then took her closer to Ezra.
"Look at him Maude." He made sure that she was looking. "You are just as responsible for this as Jack was." He saw her mouth begin to open in protest. "You didn't hit him but you did leave him there. You told him not to show his emotions, you told him not to talk about things and that is hurting him as much as that beating did." Chris pulled her away and stood facing her. "This is happening because he shut everything away and it has been tearing him up inside. This is just as much your doing as it was his Uncle's." He waited for an answer, anything to show that she did care but she said nothing. "Get the hell out of here, I don't want you anywhere near Ezra."
"He's my son, I don't want to leave him." Maude allowed the tears to fall from her eyes. They were real, she was crying for her son.
"You left him all his life so it shouldn't be any trouble for you to do so now." Chris growled at her. "Get out!"
"Would you at least let me come back later and talk to him?" She asked Chris.
"Only if he wants to see you." Chris turned his back on her and listened to her footsteps as she left. He could hear them because Ezra had become quiet. Chris moved closer and knelt down next to Josiah and saw Ezra's glassy stare and then his eyelids fluttered closed.
Ezra finally got the tears under control. He could feel Josiah's hand against his head and made no effort to have him remove it, he also felt someone's arm on his shoulders and he allowed that to stay as well. He could feel the comfort and he was able to grab hold of it and keep it in his grip. This was what he wanted all his life but he hadn't taken it when it was offered because his mother convinced him that it was pity. But not anymore, he took it and he wasn't going to let go this time. He saw Chris in front of him and then allowed himself to fall into the dark void that had been on the edge of his mind waiting for its turn.
Chris placed his hand on the side of Ezra's face. "Nathan." He didn't move away when Nathan joined them, he watched as he checked Ezra's pulse and then nod to Josiah. They all stood up together, Josiah with Ezra still in his arms and they began to walk to Nathan's room. Chris finally saw that Mary had joined Sarah in the saloon, he had been so caught up in what was happening that he hadn't seen her come in.
"If there is anything that we can do for Ezra, please let us know Chris." Mary told him as he passed them. Chris smiled at her and then followed the others.
Once they reached the clinic Josiah placed Ezra on the bed and then helped Nathan remove his blood soaked clothing and the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs as it had also soaked up the blood. He cleaned the wound and washed the blood off Ezra's chest. Once he stitched the wound, he decided to remove the other stitches that had helped the knife wounds heal. He did this now while Ezra was unconscious so he didn't have to do it when he was awake. He didn't know how he was going to be when he woke up, none of them did. Once he had done that, he wiped the dry tears from Ezra's face and then stepped back and watched him as everyone else did.
"Do you think he might talk about it when he comes round?" Buck asked anybody.
"I don't know Buck but let's hope that he does." Chris answered him.
"I can understand why he didn't want to remember it." Josiah spoke quietly. "Why would a man put a child in a cellar for a month and then nearly beat him to death." It wasn't a question as he knew that no one would have an answer.
"Chris, do you think that Ezra was really going to do it?" JD saw Chris frown at the question. "Shoot himself with Josiah's gun."
"I don't know JD. I really don't know but I would like to find out."
"I've never seen anyone break down like that before." JD didn't know how to deal with what he had witnessed.
"He's been holding it in for twenty years JD, what did you expect? Did you think he was just going to say something and then be fine." Buck growled at him.
"Take it easy Buck." Vin told him.
"I'm sorry JD." Buck hit his arm so he knew that it was okay.
They all held their breaths as they heard a moan from the bed and watched as Ezra rolled his head a few times and then settled again. "He's dreaming again." Nathan informed them. He went back to the bed and felt Ezra's forehead for the fever that he knew would start due to the new wound. Ezra moved his head away from the touch. "Nothing seems to have changed."
"It will take time Nathan." Josiah told him. "He has to heal on the inside as well."
"I think that we should get comfortable as we are going to be here a while." Nathan told them.
No one left the room as Ezra remained unconscious for the next six hours. A fever had started after three hours but it hadn't become serious. They watched as he continued to fight the dreams that plagued him and as they watched, they each tried to think of what they were going to say to Ezra when he did wake up.
Chris had taken his turn in the chair that sat next to Ezra when his eyes opened. Ezra looked around the room and saw everyone who was there was watching him. He moaned as he remembered what happened and closed his eyes again. "I must apologise for my outburst earlier."
"You needed to let it out Ezra so there is no need to apologise for it. We were glad that you did it." Chris told him as he reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ezra didn't move away or ask him to remove it. Chris smiled at the others. "You feel like talking about it at all."
"I wouldn't know where to start." Ezra muttered as he kept his eyes closed.
"Try the beginning Ezra." Josiah told him as he came forward.
"Could I have some water first?" After he drank some water with herbs for the fever, Ezra began to tell them what happened. "I only asked him to leave me alone, I didn't know he was going to throw me into the cellar. How was I supposed to know he was going to do that."
"You couldn't have known Ezra." Josiah sat on the bed next to him.
"Four weeks he left me there, four weeks. I was terrified that I was going to die down there." Ezra rolled over on to his right side. "Four weeks." He muttered. "Out of those four weeks I only saw him six times and that was when he brought me food and water."
"How did you manage to keep count of the time you were in there?" Chris asked him.
"There was a small window, too small for me to get through and to dirty to let all the light through but enough for me to tell night from day." Ezra explained.
"When he did come for me I wasn't sure whether I should have been happy or not because of the look in his eyes. He always had that look when he was about to beat me." Ezra opened his eyes allowing the tears to fall. "He did a good job of it to."
Chris got off the chair and knelt down in front of him. "How bad was it Ezra?"
"It took them three days to call a Doctor and that was because they thought that I was going to die. My Aunt dealt with my wounds. She caused me as much pain as he did. She squeezed until I screamed, pulled on the stitches and reset my ankle three times, saying that she didn't do it right." Ezra shuddered at the thought. "Nathan?"
"I'm here Ezra." Nathan came closer to him.
"I'm sorry I always got angry at you."
"That's okay Ezra, I understand why you don't like it when I fix your wounds." Nathan hung his head as he thought of all the times he had caused Ezra pain. He felt guilty about it.
"It's not your fault Nathan, you didn't know." Nathan looked up and saw Ezra looking at him and he knew that he had read his expression.
"Did you tell the Doctor what happened?" Buck asked him.
"They had already told him that some ranch hands did it." Ezra smiled. "He wouldn't have believed me anyway as he knew my mother. The Doctor told me that I had a cracked cheek bone, six broken ribs, a serious head wound and a broken ankle and that the rest of my body was covered in bruises."
"Damn." Chris muttered.
"It took me two months to heal and you know what he did as soon as I was able to get out of my sick bed." Ezra closed his eyes, he was beginning to tire and he knew that he would be asleep within minutes. "He beat me because he had to do my chores for those three months."
Ezra fell back to sleep but this time it was a peaceful sleep as his mind and heart had begun its journey to heal it's self.
Two hours later Vin answered the gentle knock at the door and found Mary and Sarah carrying two trays of food. He opened the door wider as they came into the room. "We thought that you could all do with something to eat." Mary told them.
"You read my mind Mary." Buck smiled at her.
"I take it that Mr Standish is feeling better." Sarah observed and returned the smile.
"He's going to be alright." Josiah told them. "He talked about what happened. He'll still have to go through the healing process but we'll be there for him. He won't be alone."
"That's wonderful news." Mary didn't want to tell them when they were in such a good mood.
"Is there something wrong Mary?" Chris knew the look.
"Maude's demanding to see Ezra."
"She'll have to wait." Mary nodded in understanding.
"It's alright Chris, I'll see her." Ezra told him.
"Ezra I wish you would stop doing that." Buck said to him as a large smile formed on his face.
"And what is it that I do?" Ezra asked him as he opened his eyes, he felt like a great burden had been lifted from his mind and he knew that it wasn't going to return so he didn't mind playing Buck's game.
"You keep waking up without letting us know first." Buck was so relieved to hear the old Ezra coming back but he was also going to be different, things had changed for him and the change was for the better.
"One of my many talents." Ezra smiled weakly. The others saw it and smiled back at him, they just hoped that the smile was still going to be there after he spoke to his mother.
"Are you sure Ezra?" Chris didn't want him seeing Maude unless he was ready.
"I have to see her sometime, so it may as well be now." Ezra tried to push himself up and when he couldn't he accepted Nathan and Vin's help.
"She's waiting outside." Mary told Ezra. She saw a look of doubt cross his face. "I could ask her to come back later if you want Ezra."
"No, I want to get it over with."
"We'll be outside Ezra if you need us." Chris told him.
"Chris could you stay please." He returned Chris's surprised stare. "I don't have the strength to throw her out so someone should be here to do that."
Everyone else stepped outside to find Maude sitting on the bench. She got up quickly, the hope showing on her face. She wanted to see Ezra, she needed to apologise for leaving him with his Uncle.
Josiah stood in front of her. "Ten minutes Maude, he needs his rest."
"Thank you Josiah." She smiled up at him but his next words took the smile away.
"Don't you dare say anything that will hurt him Maude because if you do you will be answering to all of us, not just Chris. Do you understand me?" Maude nodded and walked slowly into the room.
Chris stood to the side of the room, he was going to stay out of the way. He would only interrupt if Ezra needed him. He saw the poker face that Maude was wearing and he looked at Ezra expecting to see the same thing but he didn't, Ezra was allowing his emotions to be visible to his mother.
"How are you feeling Ezra?" She asked him as she made her way to the bed. She could see how pale he was.
"I feel like I have been torn apart and then put back together." Ezra stared at her as she sat down on the bed. "What do you want mother."
"I did want you Ezra, you were my only child, and I just wasn't the motherly type. I never was and probably would never be but I did want you."
"It's going to take a lot more than that to convince me." Ezra told her, he didn't know whether to believe her or not.
"I'm sorry Ezra, if I had known I never would have left you with them, I would have found someone else to take care of you." Maude saw the anger that crossed her son's handsome face.
"He wasn't the only one mother, there were others, they just weren't as bad as he was." Ezra admitted it even though Chris was in the room. "It wouldn't have mattered who you left me with, they all treated me badly in their own way."
"I'm sorry Ezra but I didn't have a choice, I had to take care of us, we needed the money to live. I had to give them money to look after you. Most of them didn't have the money to feed or clothe you."
"You paid them to look after me." Ezra was shocked as he had never known that. She paid them money and yet they still treated him the way they did.
"I didn't pay them, I gave them money to help buy food and clothing for you. There's a difference." Maude told him.
"Doesn't sound like there was any difference to me." Chris said from across the room.
Maude ignored him. "Ezra could we talk alone."
"No. What about the pity? Why did you bring me up to think that people would not care for me, that they would only pity me?"
"It's part of our trade Ezra, if you got to close to people you wouldn't be able to do your job so I had to teach you not to get close, to stay away from people." Maude took a deep breath. "I don't regret any of it Ezra. You went through a bad stage the last few days but I know you will get back on your feet and be yourself again."
"No I won't mother." Chris frowned. "I am not going to shut my friends out anymore. I learnt today that they do care, they don't pity me like you do." Chris smiled at Ezra. "There my family now."
"Ezra you don't mean that." Maude was beginning to get angry. "I am your mother."
"And you always will be but you’re not going to control my life anymore."
"If that's what you wish." Maude put her own defences up. "I will be leaving on tomorrow's stage Ezra. If you wish to say goodbye to me please let me know."
"Goodbye mother."
Maude looked at her son and knew that he was a changed man and that there was nothing that she was going to be able to do about it. These men had changed him. "Goodbye Ezra." She got up and left the room.
Ezra sighed and leaned back into pillow. He could sense Chris coming towards him. "You okay Ezra?"
"No but give me some time and I will be."
Chris could read Ezra's expression as he still wasn't wearing his poker face. "Ezra I just need to ask you one thing. It's been bugging me and I need to get if off my chest."
"What do you want to know?" Ezra closed his eyes, he was feeling tired again.
"In the saloon when you took Josiah's gun," Chris hesitated, "were you going to use it on yourself."
"No I wasn't." Ezra lied. "I just wanted to keep you away from me."
The End
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
Master Fan Fiction List
Fourteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: The seven search for a friend of Mary's when she goes missing from Four Corners but when Ezra finds her, he also finds the reason for her going missing.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fourteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 38,144
Part Four
Ezra didn't lose consciousness when his head hit the wall but it did cause him to seek refuge in a corner of his mind as the force of the blow was almost as hard as when his Uncle had slammed his head against the kitchen floor. He hadn't lost consciousness then either and the beating had continued. Ezra opened his eyes and saw his Aunt watching as the scene unfolded before her, he moaned as the new memory came to him and tore at his heart. She hadn't helped him, she had allowed her husband to beat him again.
"Help me plea . . . " Another blow to the kidney cut off his cry for help. She ignored him and continued to watch.
Sarah had heard Ezra ask for help but because he wasn't responding to her, she knew that he was talking to someone else, someone from his memory. She continued to talk to him, reassuring him that he was going to be okay, that they would find them soon.
The beating had stopped but instead of finding himself in his small room, he was in the cellar again. Ezra waited for the pain to begin but there wasn't any. He could hear a voice talking to him and he at first thought that it was his Aunt but the voice was comforting, his Aunt's never was.
"Sarah?" His voice broke and he fought back the tears that threatened to fall, he roughly wiped his eyes, if his mother saw him now she would be ashamed. She would tell him how disappointed she was in him for showing these feelings.
"I'm still here Ezra, I'm not leaving you." She reassured him. Sarah knew that he was struggling to keep control, she wished that he would let go.
"She wouldn't help me." He spoke more to himself than to Sarah.
"Who wouldn't help you Ezra?"
Ezra turned away from her and shut himself off and by doing so he put himself back into his memory. He heard the door open and his Uncle came down with a tray of food, he didn't even look at Ezra when he placed it at the bottom of the steps. Ezra knew that he wasn't going to let him out. He didn't yell at him anymore as his voice had become hoarse from all the shouting that he had already done. He sat in the corner as he had been doing for three weeks and watched his Uncle's back disappear up the stairs. Ezra was now afraid that he was going to die here, that he was never going to get out, not even when his mother came for him - if she did. Each time she left him with someone, he wasn't sure if she would come back for him. It had always been a shock when she did and he hoped that she would keep him with her but she never kept him for long. He remembered the longest time that he stayed with his mother was four months and that was because she couldn't find anyone to leave him with.
He knew that she never wanted him, he just wouldn't admit it to himself. He couldn't understand why she kept him though, why she didn't just leave him on a doorstep somewhere. He found out why when she first used him for a con. The tears fell but he made no sound to accompany them and he made no attempt to stop them, he couldn't even though he knew what his mother would think of him for allowing them to fall. He could hear Sarah's voice trying to break through again but he pushed it away. He wanted to block everything out but he couldn't. The fear wouldn't leave him that was the worst thing as it made him feel so vulnerable and weak. He should have been able to control it and not let it control him as it was doing.
Ezra decided he had two choices, he either let this thing take his sanity or he took control. He decided on the latter. He needed his anger back or he wouldn't be able to do it. Ezra needed to lash out at something, anything but remembered that it would be the same as the other emotions that he wasn't allowed to show but he decided not to listen to his mother, if she didn't want him then he wasn't going to listen to her.
He had to shut emotions and the memory away, he had to get control of these feelings that were roaring through him at an uncontrollable rate and the only way to do it was to get back to the real world, if he stayed here, he would drown in them. He tried to focus on the voice that he could hear in the distance, if he allowed it to bring him back then he would be able to gain control.
"Come on Ezra, I want to hear your voice, talk to me." Sarah called to him.
"I'm here there is no need to shout." He muttered. Ezra managed to find his way back thanks to Sarah's voice, now he needed to gain control over his emotions.
"Are you okay?" She asked him.
"I'm fine. I lost it there for a moment but I'm fine now." He could still feel himself shaking though and he fought harder to push it all to the back of his mind.
Ezra had nearly gained control when the cellar door opened, he jumped to his feet and was ready to fight for his life if his Uncle came for him. He concentrated on what he was seeing, three men came down the stairs, one of them with a lamp and he realised that he was still in the real world, he was still ready to fight for his life though as these men just gave him an opportunity to get out of his nightmare.
"Sarah stay behind me." Ezra quietly told her. He could feel her move behind him, he stepped towards the men.
"Were taking the woman with us." David told him.
"She's not going with you but you are going to let us out." Ezra growled at him, he could feel his anger as it finally returned to him.
"You are one stubborn SOB aren't you?" Mack laughed at Ezra.
"You are correct on both statements." Ezra took another step closer to them.
"You're staying put and she is going to help us get out of town. Seems your disappearance has gathered a crowd so were leaving before they find us." David informed him and pointed his gun in Ezra's direction. "Mack get the woman."
Mack stepped forward and then around Ezra as he saw the look in his eyes, it wasn't fear that he saw anymore. When he looked away from him, Ezra spun around and hit him in the kidney area and enjoyed his scream as it echoed through the cellar but the scream reminded him of his own. He shook it off and hit the man on the side of the head as he collapsed to the floor.
"Anymore and she's dead." David growled at him.
Ezra turned back around and saw that David had his arm wrapped around Sarah's throat, his gun against her forehead. Ezra hung his head, during his loss of concentration, John had grabbed Sarah, and if he didn't get control of himself, he was going to end up getting her killed. "Mack, John go upstairs." He waited for them to leave. "I take it that you don't want to stay down here anymore." David smiled. "Well maybe I'll take you up on your first request and leave your corpse here."
Sarah watched as the gun passed by her face and she knew instantly that he was going to shoot. She pushed his arm away as the gun fired and screamed when she saw Ezra go down, she continued to scream as she was dragged up the stairs. Sarah's final image of Ezra was his body lying in an unmoving heap in the darkened cellar. The door was slammed shut behind them.
"What did you shoot him for?" Mack calmly asked him as he locked the cellar door again.
"He got me angry." David answered.
"I'm glad you got rid of your anger but those people out there would have heard it and they are going to be here any minute now!" Mack yelled at him.
"Then why are we still here?" John asked both of them.
"Maybe because you were too stupid to leave sooner." Chris Larabee answered him from the open doorway.
They had searched the town separately for the last half hour and still found no sign of Sarah or Ezra. Now they were in a group hoping that one of them would see something that the others missed. No one spoke as they did not want to miss any sort of noise that may let them know where their missing friends were. But they could not help but hear the gunshot that came from the empty house at the end of the street. They ran towards the sound but quietly entered the house to hear the men arguing, they also saw Sarah but Ezra was not in the room.
Three men turned to face the hired lawmen as they spread out into the room, their guns covering all of them. The man holding Sarah pulled her in front of him using her body to protect his own.
"Were going to leave here." David growled at Chris. Had been taken by surprise when the six men entered the house, he had made a big mistake shooting the man in the cellar and now he was going to pay for it.
"No you’re not." Buck told him.
"Sarah is Ezra here?" Chris asked her.
"He's in the cellar, he shot him, I don't know if he's alive or not." She kept her hope alive as she did not want Ezra to die in a place that he was afraid of.
Six guns were suddenly cocked and aimed at David. "Drop the guns and let the lady go or all of you are dead."
"No, were leaving . . ." David began.
"This isn't up for discussion." Chris said coldly. "Nathan go and see to Ezra, Josiah you help him."
John and Mack dropped their guns, they didn't want to go back to jail but they didn't want to die either. David was the one that shot the guy and if he was dead then it was David who would hang not them.
"What are you doing?" He yelled at them.
"Where's the key to the cellar?" Josiah asked. Mack threw the key to Josiah and watched as he opened the door and then follow the other man down.
"Put your gun down." Chris told him. The scream that came from the cellar made David jump, Sarah felt his hold loosen so she pushed him away from her and at the same time allowed herself to fall to the floor, Chris shot the man in the right shoulder, and he fell to the ground in a bloody heap. The four gunmen didn't move, they stayed and kept the two men under cover and waited for the Nathan and Josiah to bring Ezra up to the room.
***
Ezra felt the bullet as it tore through his left shoulder, knocking him to the ground. He lay stunned for a moment as he realised that if Sarah hadn't pushed the gunman's arm up he would no longer be breathing, he would have died down here, and he heard the cellar door close again and knew that he could still die down here. And this time he was on his own. Ezra tried to concentrate on the pain to stop himself from losing control as the fear came back to him but it was beating him, he couldn't stop himself from curling up against the fear as it took control again. Ezra didn't even feel the pain in his shoulder anymore.
He heard shouting from above and knew that his Uncle was coming for him, he heard him unlock the door and saw the light as it was opened. Ezra didn't move away from him, he couldn't stop him from beating him even if he wanted to. He waited for the touch and couldn't stop the scream escaping from his mouth when he felt it on his shoulder.
"Ezra it's Nathan. Ezra?" Nathan couldn't get him to respond to him. "Ezra?" Nathan had come down the stairs first and he had seen Ezra lying in a ball on the ground, he thought he was dead but when he touched him, the scream reached his ears. He tried to move him onto his back but Ezra wouldn't move. "I'm going to check him for a wound and then I want you to carry him out of here Josiah." Nathan did the worst thing that he could have done. He used his hands to squeeze Ezra's limbs looking for the gunshot wound, he found it high in Ezra's left shoulder. When he squeezed it, Ezra cried out and violently pushed Nathan away from him.
Ezra had been lying in the darkness of his room when his Aunt came in to take care of the injuries. He groaned at her touch as she squeezed harder than she needed to, when she pulled his skin as she stitched the wound on the side of his head and when she wrapped his broken ribs to tight. She had told him to shut up and stop making those noises as he had deserved what he got. He could feel someone moving their hands over his body now and then he screamed in agony as they squeezed his shoulder, he pushed whoever it was away.
Ezra noticed the light in the cellar as the pain had brought him back from the nightmare and he saw Josiah leaning over him, he looked around and saw Nathan coming towards him. "Get away from me Nathan." Ezra said this in a very calm voice and then struggled to get up. He felt Josiah's hands on him and he pushed him away. "Don't touch me." His voice was still calm.
"Ezra your hurt, sit down and let us take care of you." Josiah said to him.
"I don't need that kind of help." Ezra pushed past him and made his way to the stairs. At that moment the only thing that Ezra could feel were the punches and kicks that his Uncle gave him, he was aware of his surroundings but his mind wouldn't allow it to stop the repeat of the beating that he received.
"Ezra will you stop and let me look at your shoulder." Nathan made to grab his arm but stopped when he saw the blank stare that Ezra gave him.
"Don't touch me." Ezra told him as he felt the fist hit the left side of his face, cracking his cheekbone, his body jerked at the memory. Ezra used both arms to help him climb the steps as he didn't feel the pain in his shoulder. He pushed himself out of the cellar and saw Sarah, at least she was okay, and he felt the large fist connect with the side of his head causing him to fall to the ground. Ezra walked past the shocked faces of his friends and out of the house. He ignored the sunshine and the fresh air and walked slowly down the street towards his room.
"What the hell is going on?" Chris asked Nathan as he came out of the cellar.
"I don't know Chris. Where is he?" Nathan needed to know, he had to go after him.
"He walked out. JD, Vin throw them in the cellar and then follow us." Chris ran out after the others and stopped as they did when they saw Ezra walking up the street. He looked so alone at that moment, his red jacket standing out against the dirt-lined street. They ran after him not knowing that he was reliving the beating, feeling each punch and kick as the fists and feet connected with his small frail body.
Ezra could hear them running after him but he wasn't going to listen to them, he would only say what he had to keep them away from him. He stopped and closed his eyes against the memory as his Uncle took a handful of hair and waited for the impact of his head hitting the kitchen floor, he shuddered and then wrapped his arms around himself. Ezra opened his eyes and saw Chris standing in front of him, the others were at his side, including Sarah.
"Keep away from me Chris." Ezra continued to speak calmly. He flinched as he felt his Uncle break four of his ribs with his boot. Ezra knew that he had held back because if he didn't he would have forced those broken ribs into his lung. He walked around Chris and kept moving as the memory continued.
"Ezra you have been shot, you need Nathan to take care of your wound." Chris had seen the blood soaking Ezra's waistcoat, he couldn't understand why he wasn't feeling any pain. Chris didn't know that Ezra was feeling pain, it was just a different pain, one from his past.
"I don't need Nathan to cause me anymore pain." Ezra bent over as he felt the pain tear through his back as his Uncle kicked him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he threw it off. "Don't touch me!" He yelled at Buck.
"Ezra, we want to help you. Will you please stop and let Nathan look at you." Buck pleaded with him.
"No." Ezra walked on, he turned into the main street and people began to see what was going on.
"We'll force you if we have to Ezra." Chris warned him.
"That Mr Larabee may cost someone their life." Ezra stared at him and Chris saw that Ezra's eye's held nothing but pain. He stood in front of Ezra and when he made to walk around him, he moved to block him again. Ezra turned and walked the other way only to have Josiah block his escape. Ezra slowly turned around and as he felt his Uncle's fist hit his uninjured side, breaking another two ribs, he hit Chris and the force of his blow knocked him to the ground. He stepped over him and headed to the saloon again. Josiah helped him up as the others went after Ezra.
"You okay Chris?" Josiah asked him.
"He's going to crack Josiah and I don't know what he's going to do when he does." Chris went to go after him when Sarah's voice stopped him.
"It's got something to do with the cellar, he didn't like being in there." Sarah explained to them hoping that it would help.
Chris nodded and they ran to catch up to Ezra again, the others had tried to stop him but they didn't succeed. They followed Ezra into the saloon and expected him to go to his room but he headed to the bar and grabbed a bottle from behind it. He didn't even bother using a glass, he drank straight from the bottle. He then leaned over and placed his head on the bar as he felt his left ankle break under his Uncle's foot. He waited out the remaining punches and kicks, each of them would leave large bruises on his body. When his Uncle was finished there was not going to be a part of Ezra's body that was not covered by a bruise or an injury. Ezra threw the bottle against the wall and watched as the liquid ran down to the floor.
"JD, Nathan get everyone out of the saloon. Buck go and . . ."
"I'm not leaving him Chris." Buck told him.
"Vin?" Vin step forward. "Go and get Maude, I want her to see this." He watched as Vin ran out of the saloon and as JD and Nathan emptied it. Now they were the only ones in there. He nodded to Josiah and they both walked up to Ezra and stood next to him.
"Ezra will you please tell us what's wrong." Josiah kept his voice calm as he was feeling a lot of anger towards the person who had caused Ezra all this pain. He had never seen the gambler so emotionally broken before and it had shocked him. It also tore at his own heart to see him like this. "At least let Nathan look at your shoulder. Ezra you bleeding, it's dripping on the floor. Nathan needs to stop it or else you are going to bleed to death."
Ezra slowly stepped back and looked down, he could see the blood on his shirt and on the floor at the base of the bar. He saw his small pale body lying in the blood that had come from the wound on the back of his head. "Oh no." He groaned. He started to shake, he was losing control again. All the feelings were now rushing back and he couldn't control them.
"Ezra?" Chris had to bend to look into Ezra's eyes as his head was bent down.
"He nearly killed me. Why?" Ezra asked Chris. "All I wanted was for him to leave me alone." Chris listened to what Ezra was saying, he heard the emotions in his voice, and he waited for him to say more.
"You wanted to see me Mr Larabee." Maude called to him from the saloon doors. Chris watched as Ezra's face changed at the sound of his mother's voice. He knew that this would happen, he expected it. He wanted Ezra to be angry as he knew that it was the only way he would let it all out. If he was quiet as he was a moment ago, he would only shut himself off to them. He needed Ezra to be angry but most of all he wanted Maude to see him when he did lose control.
"Sit down Maude, I think that Chris wants you to see what you have done to your son by not allowing him to show his emotions." Vin forced her into a chair.
"I do not wish to watch the show." Maude told him.
"Shut up mother." Ezra didn't turn to look at her.
"Ezra that is no way to talk to me, I am your mother." She spoke to him as she would have if he was a child.
"You're a mother who didn't want a child." Ezra spoke to her in a cold voice.
"That is not true." Maude defended herself.
Ezra ignored her, he didn't want anything to do with her anymore. He turned to make his way up to his room, he was tired and he wanted to sleep. Josiah stopped him. Ezra grimaced as he looked at the blood on his hands and saw his Uncle laughing at him as he lay in the blood. The blood had covered half of his body for two days, along with the dirt and smell of the cellar before his Aunt washed it off, she had only done it because the Doctor was coming. He could feel the hatred burning into his soul, it joined the fear and anger that was already there. Ezra didn't think that he could take anymore, he wanted a way out, and he wanted it to stop. He wanted the same escape that he wanted then. He wanted to die, he thought that it was the only way to get rid of the pain that tore at his soul.
Ezra leaned towards Josiah and as he did he pulled the gun from Josiah's holster, he then stepped back until his back hit the bar and he allowed himself to slide to the floor. Josiah didn't even realise that he had taken it. Everyone finally saw the gun as Ezra lifted it up.
"EZRA! NO!" Chris yelled at him.
"EZRA!" Buck ran forward.
"Don't come near me Buck." Ezra told him in a calm voice as he waved the gun in front of his eyes.
"Ezra, please don't do that." Ezra looked up at JD, for a fleeting moment, he thought he saw concern. He looked away and saw his mother watching him. He couldn't read her expression as she was wearing her poker face.
"Will someone then tell me how else am I supposed to stop the pain and the memory?" He asked in a quiet voice.
"You could talk to us about it Ezra. You can tell us what happened." Josiah told him.
"Talking about it will only bring me pity." Ezra growled at him, he was beginning to feel angry. Chris was glad to hear the anger finally taking control, now they might be able to get somewhere with him.
"Ezra will you tell us what happened." Buck asked as he came forward and sat down in front of him. Ezra didn't seem to notice how close he had come.
"I don't want to talk about it Buck, don't any of you realise that it's bad enough that I have to relive it in here." Ezra tapped his head with a closed fist and they all grimaced at the amount of force that he used. Maude though continued to watch her son. The emotions were beginning to take control of her own mind. She had never seen her son like this before, he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand and she was worried sick that he was going to take his own life.
"It will help you if you talk about it Ezra." Chris told him. "It helped me when I talked to Buck about my family’s murder."
"You are not like me Chris, something that works for you may not work for me. What if it makes me feel worse, what if it doesn't stop the pain?"
"Were a lot more alike than you think Ezra. We may not have gotten on at first but I consider you a good friend and I care what happens to you and before you say it, yes I do trust you as well. With my life Ezra."
"We all think the same way Ezra." Vin told him. The others voiced their agreement.
Ezra looked down at the gun and then threw it back at Josiah, he knew that the way things were going at the moment that he would probably miss or even worse only injure himself and then Nathan would get his hands on him. "And what do you think mother. Is this pity or concern they are showing me? Are they lying when they say they care about me?" He looked away in disgust when she didn't answer him.
"Tell us what happened Ezra." Chris told him.
"I can't." Ezra grimaced as he felt the pain in his shoulder, he hadn't felt it before now.
"Why not?" Josiah wanted to know. Ezra was beginning to feel nauseas. He leant his head back and closed his eyes. He saw his Uncle's face and his eyes flew open again.
"I don't want to feel the pain anymore Josiah." Ezra pulled his jacket off as he was also starting to feel warm.
"Ezra will you let me look at your shoulder." Nathan could see that Ezra had lost a lot of blood, his waistcoat was soaked with it. He was surprised that he hadn't passed out yet.
"No, you'll only hurt me like she did." Ezra tried to stand up but he sat back down again.
"Who's she?" Nathan asked him. Ezra didn't answer.
"Why don't you tell us why you didn't want to be in the cellar?" Chris asked him.
Ezra looked up at Sarah, she returned his stare. "I'm sorry Ezra, they needed to know."
Ezra pushed himself up off the floor with the intention of going to his room, the three men who were sitting around him stood up as well and they intended to stop him. Ezra stepped towards Josiah with a newfound strength as the anger began to take control again. They were trying to force him to talk about something that he wanted to forget. He knew that if talked about it he would only feel more pain, he'd had enough of that.
"Josiah move out of my way, I want to go to my room."
"No Ezra, you’re not going anywhere until you talk about it. Your Uncle beat you and the memory of it is tearing you apart, you need to get it out of your system, you need to talk about it."
"I don't need to talk about it, I need to forget it but you won't let me, none of you will." He was raising his voice now as the anger was becoming stronger.
"Did he use his feet Ezra or did he use his fists?" Chris asked him. "You were only twelve Ezra and he nearly killed you." Chris was trying to push him now that his anger was growing. He still didn't know what he was going to do when he cracked but he couldn't leave him like this. Only ten minutes ago, he was sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand. He wasn't going to leave him in that state.
"Apparently I deserved it." Ezra told him.
"No child deserves a beating like that Ezra." Buck growled at him, his own anger was building at Ezra's stubbornness and his refusal to talk about it.
"You said before that he did it because you wanted to be alone." Chris reminded him.
Ezra looked down at the floor as he thought about his Uncle throwing him in the cellar because he wanted to be alone. He couldn't help but laugh. He received a beating because he wanted to be alone and yet he continued to ask the same thing of people.
"Ezra tell us what happened." Buck said calmly.
"I am not going to go through that again so stop asking me to. I told you before that you were hurting me just as much as they did so will you please live it alone. I don't want to feel the pain anymore!" Ezra practically yelled at him. He tried to get to the stairs that led to his room but Josiah stopped him. Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms. "Let go of me Josiah." He could feel his grip tighten on his arms and he felt the pain in his shoulder worsen.
"You're hurting me, let go!"
"I'm sorry Ezra." Josiah let go of his arms but didn't move away from him.
Ezra turned away from him and tried to move to the saloon's exit, Buck stood before him. "Tell us what happened Ezra." Buck repeated in a stronger tone. Ezra could feel his world collapsing around him, he had to get away from these people, they wouldn't let the pain leave him, and they kept it there in his mind. He turned away from Buck and saw Chris. He was surrounded.
"Damn it Ezra, tell us what happened!" Buck yelled at him.
Ezra cracked, his anger took control and he let it out. "Fine!" He yelled back as he walked up to Buck. "You want to know what happened, I'll tell you what happened!" He continued to yell and they all listened, even Maude. "He was going to beat me because I spilt my milk onto the table." They watched as Ezra's body began to shake. "I asked him to leave me alone so he did!" He couldn't stop yelling, he was too angry. "He threw me in the cellar with the rats and he left me there for a month and when he finally let me out he beat me so badly I had to spend two months in a bed!"
Ezra stood in front of Buck, his body shaking as he waited for a response. "I'm sorry Buck, did I say something that I shouldn't have, and did I say the wrong thing. Isn't that what you wanted to hear." Ezra's voice was full of sarcasm. "I am only asking as I seemed to have shocked you into a state of silence." Ezra looked around at the others. They didn't know what to say, they expected him to say something about the beating, not that he was kept in a cellar for a month. They understood now.
"Doesn't anyone have anything to say!" He yelled at the group. "I didn't think so!" He walked towards the stairs and straight into Josiah again.
"I'm sorry Ezra but we are shocked." Josiah told him.
"Get the hell out of my way!" The anger and hatred had erupted and Ezra was letting it out and he was aiming it at his friends. He didn't feel the pain in his shoulder anymore and he didn't feel weak from the loss of blood that he suffered, all he felt was the anger and hatred that had taken control of his mind.
"Ezra you’re not finished, you have more to tell us." Josiah spoke calmly.
"I just told you what you wanted to know, there is nothing else to say." Ezra's voice was cold.
"You said they, you also said she. Someone else did something as well didn't they?" Everyone held their breath as Josiah spoke to Ezra. They could see that Ezra was seething with anger.
"Get out of my way!" Ezra tried to push him away but Josiah grabbed his arms and turned Ezra's back to him, he then wrapped his arms around him, holding Ezra's arms against his chest and held him tight. He knew that he was hurting Ezra's shoulder but he also knew that Ezra needed to let it all out, he hadn't even started.
"Let go of me!" Ezra spat at him as he tried to get away from Josiah's grip.
"No Ezra." Josiah was surprised by Ezra's strength, he held on tighter. Everyone watched what Josiah was doing. He was holding Ezra against his chest in a hug, he was giving him the touch of concern that Ezra despised so much. He was hugging him and he wasn't going to let him go. Ezra though was fighting him as though his life depended on it.
"Josiah, please let me go." He continued to struggle. He didn't understand what Josiah was doing. Ezra kicked back and felt his boots connecting with Josiah's shins but the grip didn't loosen. "Josiah . . ." Ezra felt his own struggles weaken as his anger started to leave him, he didn't want it to leave, he tried one last attempt to keep the anger at the surface but it was fading fast, he felt the tears begin to replace the anger, tears that he didn't want to fall. He stopped struggling and allowed his head to fall to his chest as the tears wracked his already shaking body.
Josiah felt the anger leave Ezra's body as it was replaced by the tears and he knew that Ezra's knees were beginning to buckle as he felt his arms take more of the gambler's weight so Josiah lowered him to a sitting position on the floor. Without letting him go, he turned him around and hugged him closer making sure that his head was against his shoulder. Josiah placed his hand on Ezra's head and held him tight. He could feel Ezra's chest heaving and his hot tears as they soaked his own shirt. Josiah felt a tear fall down his own face but didn't make any effort to wipe it away as he didn't want to let go of Ezra.
Buck wiped his own face and moved forward, he sat down on the floor next them and placed his arm around Ezra's shaking shoulders. "Let it out Ezra, let it all out."
Ezra couldn't stop the tears as he also realised that these men did care for him, he could feel it in their touch and hear it in their voice's. His mother was wrong, if they pitied him, they would not be going through all this trouble to help him. He also knew that his mother was watching but that thought did not stop the tears. He had never felt so much pain as he did now. His chest ached as it constricted and heaved with the tears, his head hurt as he struggled to stop the emotions.
Nathan also began to move forward as he hoped that he could now take care of Ezra's shoulder but Vin stopped him.
"Wait Nathan, let him finish on his own first. Then you can fix him up."
"Okay Vin but I'm not going to leave him for too much longer, else he's going to bleed to death." Nathan agreed with him.
Vin looked across at JD and could see the emotions building on the young man's face, he walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder. "He should be okay now JD, I know it looks bad but it's what he needs." He watched as JD nodded but could tell that his words hadn't sunk in yet.
Chris clenched his fists as he watched what Josiah was doing, he listened to Ezra as he broke down and he actually felt his own heart breaking. If someone had told him six months ago that, he would feel like this, he would have hit them. He turned and looked at Maude. Her face showed no emotion as she watched her son shed his tears and he couldn't believe the sight of Josiah hugging Ezra as he cried didn't move her. Ezra was her son and she seemed to be feeling nothing. He walked over to the table and grabbed her by her arm and pulled her from her chair, he then took her closer to Ezra.
"Look at him Maude." He made sure that she was looking. "You are just as responsible for this as Jack was." He saw her mouth begin to open in protest. "You didn't hit him but you did leave him there. You told him not to show his emotions, you told him not to talk about things and that is hurting him as much as that beating did." Chris pulled her away and stood facing her. "This is happening because he shut everything away and it has been tearing him up inside. This is just as much your doing as it was his Uncle's." He waited for an answer, anything to show that she did care but she said nothing. "Get the hell out of here, I don't want you anywhere near Ezra."
"He's my son, I don't want to leave him." Maude allowed the tears to fall from her eyes. They were real, she was crying for her son.
"You left him all his life so it shouldn't be any trouble for you to do so now." Chris growled at her. "Get out!"
"Would you at least let me come back later and talk to him?" She asked Chris.
"Only if he wants to see you." Chris turned his back on her and listened to her footsteps as she left. He could hear them because Ezra had become quiet. Chris moved closer and knelt down next to Josiah and saw Ezra's glassy stare and then his eyelids fluttered closed.
Ezra finally got the tears under control. He could feel Josiah's hand against his head and made no effort to have him remove it, he also felt someone's arm on his shoulders and he allowed that to stay as well. He could feel the comfort and he was able to grab hold of it and keep it in his grip. This was what he wanted all his life but he hadn't taken it when it was offered because his mother convinced him that it was pity. But not anymore, he took it and he wasn't going to let go this time. He saw Chris in front of him and then allowed himself to fall into the dark void that had been on the edge of his mind waiting for its turn.
Chris placed his hand on the side of Ezra's face. "Nathan." He didn't move away when Nathan joined them, he watched as he checked Ezra's pulse and then nod to Josiah. They all stood up together, Josiah with Ezra still in his arms and they began to walk to Nathan's room. Chris finally saw that Mary had joined Sarah in the saloon, he had been so caught up in what was happening that he hadn't seen her come in.
"If there is anything that we can do for Ezra, please let us know Chris." Mary told him as he passed them. Chris smiled at her and then followed the others.
Once they reached the clinic Josiah placed Ezra on the bed and then helped Nathan remove his blood soaked clothing and the bandage that was wrapped around his ribs as it had also soaked up the blood. He cleaned the wound and washed the blood off Ezra's chest. Once he stitched the wound, he decided to remove the other stitches that had helped the knife wounds heal. He did this now while Ezra was unconscious so he didn't have to do it when he was awake. He didn't know how he was going to be when he woke up, none of them did. Once he had done that, he wiped the dry tears from Ezra's face and then stepped back and watched him as everyone else did.
"Do you think he might talk about it when he comes round?" Buck asked anybody.
"I don't know Buck but let's hope that he does." Chris answered him.
"I can understand why he didn't want to remember it." Josiah spoke quietly. "Why would a man put a child in a cellar for a month and then nearly beat him to death." It wasn't a question as he knew that no one would have an answer.
"Chris, do you think that Ezra was really going to do it?" JD saw Chris frown at the question. "Shoot himself with Josiah's gun."
"I don't know JD. I really don't know but I would like to find out."
"I've never seen anyone break down like that before." JD didn't know how to deal with what he had witnessed.
"He's been holding it in for twenty years JD, what did you expect? Did you think he was just going to say something and then be fine." Buck growled at him.
"Take it easy Buck." Vin told him.
"I'm sorry JD." Buck hit his arm so he knew that it was okay.
They all held their breaths as they heard a moan from the bed and watched as Ezra rolled his head a few times and then settled again. "He's dreaming again." Nathan informed them. He went back to the bed and felt Ezra's forehead for the fever that he knew would start due to the new wound. Ezra moved his head away from the touch. "Nothing seems to have changed."
"It will take time Nathan." Josiah told him. "He has to heal on the inside as well."
"I think that we should get comfortable as we are going to be here a while." Nathan told them.
No one left the room as Ezra remained unconscious for the next six hours. A fever had started after three hours but it hadn't become serious. They watched as he continued to fight the dreams that plagued him and as they watched, they each tried to think of what they were going to say to Ezra when he did wake up.
Chris had taken his turn in the chair that sat next to Ezra when his eyes opened. Ezra looked around the room and saw everyone who was there was watching him. He moaned as he remembered what happened and closed his eyes again. "I must apologise for my outburst earlier."
"You needed to let it out Ezra so there is no need to apologise for it. We were glad that you did it." Chris told him as he reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ezra didn't move away or ask him to remove it. Chris smiled at the others. "You feel like talking about it at all."
"I wouldn't know where to start." Ezra muttered as he kept his eyes closed.
"Try the beginning Ezra." Josiah told him as he came forward.
"Could I have some water first?" After he drank some water with herbs for the fever, Ezra began to tell them what happened. "I only asked him to leave me alone, I didn't know he was going to throw me into the cellar. How was I supposed to know he was going to do that."
"You couldn't have known Ezra." Josiah sat on the bed next to him.
"Four weeks he left me there, four weeks. I was terrified that I was going to die down there." Ezra rolled over on to his right side. "Four weeks." He muttered. "Out of those four weeks I only saw him six times and that was when he brought me food and water."
"How did you manage to keep count of the time you were in there?" Chris asked him.
"There was a small window, too small for me to get through and to dirty to let all the light through but enough for me to tell night from day." Ezra explained.
"When he did come for me I wasn't sure whether I should have been happy or not because of the look in his eyes. He always had that look when he was about to beat me." Ezra opened his eyes allowing the tears to fall. "He did a good job of it to."
Chris got off the chair and knelt down in front of him. "How bad was it Ezra?"
"It took them three days to call a Doctor and that was because they thought that I was going to die. My Aunt dealt with my wounds. She caused me as much pain as he did. She squeezed until I screamed, pulled on the stitches and reset my ankle three times, saying that she didn't do it right." Ezra shuddered at the thought. "Nathan?"
"I'm here Ezra." Nathan came closer to him.
"I'm sorry I always got angry at you."
"That's okay Ezra, I understand why you don't like it when I fix your wounds." Nathan hung his head as he thought of all the times he had caused Ezra pain. He felt guilty about it.
"It's not your fault Nathan, you didn't know." Nathan looked up and saw Ezra looking at him and he knew that he had read his expression.
"Did you tell the Doctor what happened?" Buck asked him.
"They had already told him that some ranch hands did it." Ezra smiled. "He wouldn't have believed me anyway as he knew my mother. The Doctor told me that I had a cracked cheek bone, six broken ribs, a serious head wound and a broken ankle and that the rest of my body was covered in bruises."
"Damn." Chris muttered.
"It took me two months to heal and you know what he did as soon as I was able to get out of my sick bed." Ezra closed his eyes, he was beginning to tire and he knew that he would be asleep within minutes. "He beat me because he had to do my chores for those three months."
Ezra fell back to sleep but this time it was a peaceful sleep as his mind and heart had begun its journey to heal it's self.
Two hours later Vin answered the gentle knock at the door and found Mary and Sarah carrying two trays of food. He opened the door wider as they came into the room. "We thought that you could all do with something to eat." Mary told them.
"You read my mind Mary." Buck smiled at her.
"I take it that Mr Standish is feeling better." Sarah observed and returned the smile.
"He's going to be alright." Josiah told them. "He talked about what happened. He'll still have to go through the healing process but we'll be there for him. He won't be alone."
"That's wonderful news." Mary didn't want to tell them when they were in such a good mood.
"Is there something wrong Mary?" Chris knew the look.
"Maude's demanding to see Ezra."
"She'll have to wait." Mary nodded in understanding.
"It's alright Chris, I'll see her." Ezra told him.
"Ezra I wish you would stop doing that." Buck said to him as a large smile formed on his face.
"And what is it that I do?" Ezra asked him as he opened his eyes, he felt like a great burden had been lifted from his mind and he knew that it wasn't going to return so he didn't mind playing Buck's game.
"You keep waking up without letting us know first." Buck was so relieved to hear the old Ezra coming back but he was also going to be different, things had changed for him and the change was for the better.
"One of my many talents." Ezra smiled weakly. The others saw it and smiled back at him, they just hoped that the smile was still going to be there after he spoke to his mother.
"Are you sure Ezra?" Chris didn't want him seeing Maude unless he was ready.
"I have to see her sometime, so it may as well be now." Ezra tried to push himself up and when he couldn't he accepted Nathan and Vin's help.
"She's waiting outside." Mary told Ezra. She saw a look of doubt cross his face. "I could ask her to come back later if you want Ezra."
"No, I want to get it over with."
"We'll be outside Ezra if you need us." Chris told him.
"Chris could you stay please." He returned Chris's surprised stare. "I don't have the strength to throw her out so someone should be here to do that."
Everyone else stepped outside to find Maude sitting on the bench. She got up quickly, the hope showing on her face. She wanted to see Ezra, she needed to apologise for leaving him with his Uncle.
Josiah stood in front of her. "Ten minutes Maude, he needs his rest."
"Thank you Josiah." She smiled up at him but his next words took the smile away.
"Don't you dare say anything that will hurt him Maude because if you do you will be answering to all of us, not just Chris. Do you understand me?" Maude nodded and walked slowly into the room.
Chris stood to the side of the room, he was going to stay out of the way. He would only interrupt if Ezra needed him. He saw the poker face that Maude was wearing and he looked at Ezra expecting to see the same thing but he didn't, Ezra was allowing his emotions to be visible to his mother.
"How are you feeling Ezra?" She asked him as she made her way to the bed. She could see how pale he was.
"I feel like I have been torn apart and then put back together." Ezra stared at her as she sat down on the bed. "What do you want mother."
"I did want you Ezra, you were my only child, and I just wasn't the motherly type. I never was and probably would never be but I did want you."
"It's going to take a lot more than that to convince me." Ezra told her, he didn't know whether to believe her or not.
"I'm sorry Ezra, if I had known I never would have left you with them, I would have found someone else to take care of you." Maude saw the anger that crossed her son's handsome face.
"He wasn't the only one mother, there were others, they just weren't as bad as he was." Ezra admitted it even though Chris was in the room. "It wouldn't have mattered who you left me with, they all treated me badly in their own way."
"I'm sorry Ezra but I didn't have a choice, I had to take care of us, we needed the money to live. I had to give them money to look after you. Most of them didn't have the money to feed or clothe you."
"You paid them to look after me." Ezra was shocked as he had never known that. She paid them money and yet they still treated him the way they did.
"I didn't pay them, I gave them money to help buy food and clothing for you. There's a difference." Maude told him.
"Doesn't sound like there was any difference to me." Chris said from across the room.
Maude ignored him. "Ezra could we talk alone."
"No. What about the pity? Why did you bring me up to think that people would not care for me, that they would only pity me?"
"It's part of our trade Ezra, if you got to close to people you wouldn't be able to do your job so I had to teach you not to get close, to stay away from people." Maude took a deep breath. "I don't regret any of it Ezra. You went through a bad stage the last few days but I know you will get back on your feet and be yourself again."
"No I won't mother." Chris frowned. "I am not going to shut my friends out anymore. I learnt today that they do care, they don't pity me like you do." Chris smiled at Ezra. "There my family now."
"Ezra you don't mean that." Maude was beginning to get angry. "I am your mother."
"And you always will be but you’re not going to control my life anymore."
"If that's what you wish." Maude put her own defences up. "I will be leaving on tomorrow's stage Ezra. If you wish to say goodbye to me please let me know."
"Goodbye mother."
Maude looked at her son and knew that he was a changed man and that there was nothing that she was going to be able to do about it. These men had changed him. "Goodbye Ezra." She got up and left the room.
Ezra sighed and leaned back into pillow. He could sense Chris coming towards him. "You okay Ezra?"
"No but give me some time and I will be."
Chris could read Ezra's expression as he still wasn't wearing his poker face. "Ezra I just need to ask you one thing. It's been bugging me and I need to get if off my chest."
"What do you want to know?" Ezra closed his eyes, he was feeling tired again.
"In the saloon when you took Josiah's gun," Chris hesitated, "were you going to use it on yourself."
"No I wasn't." Ezra lied. "I just wanted to keep you away from me."
The End
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
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