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azombiewritesTitle: A Healing Process
Fifteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra's emotions continue to heal but he becomes seriously ill and the other members suspect that it's due to the emotional trauma he’s suffered.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fifteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 22,868
Part Three
'Kill me, did Nathan say kill me.' This thought was so strong that it had pushed all of the other thoughts and emotions to the back of his mind, where they gathered their strength for the final battle of who was going to control the now fragile mind. For a moment, Ezra actually thought they were trying to kill him again but then he remembered the concern that they were showing him through the gentle touch of their hands on his face, he also realised that he had been wrong the first as the fever that he had, had controlled his mind. He had been angry at them for forgetting him but he had also felt the fear of dying alone which he now related to the memory that had recently returned to torment him. What had happened wasn't their fault and he had accepted that.
The other memories and emotions began to find their way back to the forefront of his mind where the battle begins to rage again. Ezra stopped fighting them, he couldn't do it anymore, he gave up and let them try to gain control over each other, and he just hoped that when the battle was over the part of him that wanted to change had won. He just didn't care anymore, he was too tired to fight them.
Ezra grimaced as a light penetrated his thoughts and drove them away for a moment, he rolled over onto his side and opened his eyes to find out what was causing the intrusion. He blinked until his eyes adjusted to the brightness and then saw that someone had lit another lamp.
"Could someone please turn . . . that down." Ezra moaned, it was also causing his head to hurt more, the struggle had come to a climax.
The light was blocked out by Nathan's form. "How are you feeling Ezra?"
Ezra just scowled at him, he couldn't fight what his natural instinct wanted to do anymore, and he rolled back over away from Nathan. He closed his eyes again but opened them when he heard another voice.
"Ezra?" Chris bent down next to the bed and looked into Ezra's face, he also put his hand on his forehead only to have Ezra weakly pull it away. Chris put his hand back.
"Please don't do that Mr Larabee!" Ezra had begun to feel the headache ease as the need to push them away finally won the long struggle that had been raging in his mind.
Chris removed his hand and watched as Ezra closed his eyes again, he couldn't hide the disappointment that he felt when Ezra had used his last name. When he knew that he was asleep, again he put his hand back on Ezra's head.
"You won this one Ezra but not the next one, were going to get rid of those habits for you."
"And how are we going to do that Chris?" Vin asked him, they all heard what Ezra had said.
"I'm sure Josiah will think of something." Chris looked up at him thinking that he would see nothing but confusion but instead he saw a smile.
"I have an idea." Josiah shrugged at Chris, he knew that there was only one real way to get Ezra to change and accept their concern but it would have to wait until he was stronger, he needed to Ezra to fight and he couldn't do that why he was still weak.
Ezra's mind was at peace now that his old habits had won the fight and his sleep was no longer tormented by the dreams as the memory had been pushed to a corner of his mind and another wall was built around it. It was this peaceful sleep that worried the men who watched him as he rolled over onto his side and push himself further into his pillow. They had wanted his dreams to end but not like this, they wanted him to deal with them not push them away again as he had done. He was also going to push his friends away, they knew this by the use of Chris's last name. They were back where they started, they just hoped that what Josiah had planned would work.
Nathan got up from the bed. "Now that Ezra's better and sleeping peacefully, perhaps we should get some rest." He suggested. "I can't even remember the last time any of us slept."
"And if we all leave, who's going to stay with Ezra?" Buck wanted to know. "We can't leave him on his own."
"I'll stay with him if that's okay." They all turned around as they heard Sarah's voice, they didn't hear her come into the room. Mary was also with her and they both carried trays of food. "Why don't you take this food downstairs, have something to eat and then go and get some sleep. I'll stay with Ezra until one of you come back."
"I don't think that would be a good idea, Ezra will probably be in a bad mood when he wakes up, it might be better if he was on his own." Nathan told her.
"If I could handle him while he was in that cellar then I can handle him if he wakes up." Sarah insisted. They all winced at the mention of the cellar as they remembered what it meant to Ezra.
"Let her stay Nathan, Sarah will be fine, Ezra won't take it out on her, he'll be angry at us not Sarah." Josiah assured him.
Chris agreed with him, he nodded at the others and they began to leave the room, Buck and Vin took the trays of food. Mary followed them out, leaving only Josiah and Chris with Sarah.
"If he wakes up, let him do whatever he wants." Josiah told Sarah and she nodded in understanding. "If he wants you to leave, then go, if he wants to leave this room, let him, if he doesn't want to talk then don't force him and most important, don't touch him."
"This part of your plan Josiah?" Chris asked him.
"Something like that Chris, if we push him like we did before, this wall that he has rebuilt is just going to get stronger and we might not be able to break through it again, I don't want to give him any reason to make it stronger, I want that wall to be weak when I talk to him."
"Are you going to tell us what your plan is?" Chris wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let Ezra do what he wanted, he thought that it would give him the chance to push them away but he decided to allow Josiah to do this because he was the one that finally got Ezra to let out his emotions.
"Not yet, I have to think it through first as I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, I don't know if it will make him break or push him further away from us."
"Anything is worth a try at the moment Josiah." Chris looked down at Ezra and then left the room, he wasn't really hungry but he was tired and he was going to welcome the much-needed sleep as would the others.
"Sarah?" Josiah spoke quietly. "You do understand what I want you to do?"
"Yes I do Josiah." She smiled at him and then went to the chair in the corner of the room and sat down. "Don't worry, if he wakes up I'll let him do what he wants."
Sarah watched as Josiah closed the door behind him as he left the room, her eyes then turned to Ezra who was facing her, the right side his face disappeared into the pillow and the left side was slack as he slept peacefully. She held her breath while he rolled further onto his stomach and saw the grimace that appeared on the part of his face that wasn't hidden. Sarah thought that he may have been dreaming, she didn't realise that it was caused by the pain of his bruised chest pressing into the mattress, he rolled back over again away from the pain and the blanket pulled away from his shoulder, she saw the massive bruise that had started to form in the middle of his chest.
Sarah wanted to go over to the bed and pull the blanket back over his shoulder so he wouldn't get cold but she held back because she knew that if he woke while she was doing it, he might get angry. That was the last thing that Josiah wanted to happen, so she stayed where she was and continued to watch him. Ezra changed his sleeping position occasionally but apart from that, there were no signs to show that he was dreaming or that he was going to wake up.
Four hours later Chris quietly walked into the room to find that Ezra was still asleep. He smiled at Sarah and then went and sat on the bed. He couldn't believe how peaceful Ezra looked, his calm expression gave the observer no indication of what had been going on in his mind for the last couple of days or even the few weeks that he had spent trying to deal with the memory of his Uncle and Aunt. His face showed no sign but his body spoke volumes, the scars stood out against the paleness of his skin, the bruise on his chest was already spreading and he had begun to lose weight again
"He been asleep all this time?" Chris asked Sarah.
"Yes." Sarah was looking at Ezra. "Were you?" Her eyes lifted up towards Chris's face.
"Not really, I couldn't get to sleep." He admitted to her.
"Did you eat anything?"
"Not much."
"I suppose everyone else will be walking in here shortly as well." Sarah hadn't realised that these men were so close, they seemed to treat each other like they were a family.
"There already downstairs, we thought that it would be best if we came up one at a time." He smiled, he had wanted to sleep but as soon as his head was on the pillow all thought of sleep left his mind and all he could think of was Ezra. He had tried to get to sleep but gave up after an hour and then went back to the saloon, it wasn't long after that the others had also begun to come back.
Chris's thoughts were disrupted by Ezra's quick intake of breath, he looked down at the gambler and watched as he rolled onto his back and open his eyes, they held none of the emotion that had been evident over the last three weeks, the old Ezra was definitely back. He began to sit up and let out a small gasp as he felt the pain in his chest, he looked down and saw the bruise.
"What did that?" Ezra croaked.
"Sarah could you get Ezra some water please." Chris asked her.
Ezra looked over his shoulder, wincing at the pain that still came from his chest. He smiled his thanks as she handed him the cup.
"There isn't any of Nathan's herbs in this is there?" He asked her.
"Just water Ezra." She waited for him to drink it and then took the empty cup back.
Ezra felt the cool liquid run down his dry throat and then felt the queaziness that settled over his stomach. It didn't help his mood, he lay back for a moment and waited for it to pass and as he did so he also realised that his mind was at peace, the memory and emotions were no longer trying to destroy him. "Are you going to answer my question Chris." Ezra looked up at him and waited.
"You stopped breathing Ezra."
Ezra's eyes widened in shock. "I what?"
"You stopped breathing." Chris repeated. "Nathan had to get you to start again and he did it by hitting your chest with his fist."
"He must have hit me pretty hard." Ezra used his fingers to touch the bruise, he felt the fear come back to him as he remembered not being able to breath, and he pushed the fear away.
"Four times, he had to hit you four times before you took in a breath. We were all scared there for a minute, we didn't think you were going to come back."
Ezra also remembered something else. "It was the herbs that Nathan made me drink."
"Yeah, and Nathan feels very guilty about it."
"Why? It's not like he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger." Ezra pulled himself up and leaned heavily against the bed board.
Chris wanted to help him, he was also curious about how Ezra would react to the help and even though he had agreed to Josiah's decision not to show Ezra the concern that they had been showing him, he decided to find out what that reaction would be. Chris lifted his hand to feel Ezra's forehead for the fever that was no longer there but Ezra's cold stare stopped him.
"Don't touch me Mr Larabee." Ezra growled at him.
The reaction was what Chris expected but hoped not to see, the simple statement telling him that Ezra's anger was back, the anger that he used to push people away from him. Chris inwardly groaned at the thought of what Josiah was going to have put Ezra through to get the emotions to come back so he could deal with them.
Ezra did not even regret the fact that he had gone back to his old ways, it was like an old friend had come back, a friend who had always taken care of him and helped him deal with his problems, a friend that hadn't let anyone else get close to him. He welcomed the anger that began to build within him, he needed it to push them away, he wanted to push them away, and he wasn't going to go through what he went through when they had tried to help him, if you could call it help. He had seen Chris's hand come towards him and he instantly felt the fear that he thought he had succeeded in pushing away but his anger quickly took control of the fear. He saw the sadness in Chris's eyes but he didn't care, at that moment he preferred to see it in his eyes rather than feel it in his own mind.
"You want something to eat Ezra?" Chris asked him as he tried to cope with the fact that the Ezra who had wanted to change had been pulled from their grasp, he just hoped that he was still in there somewhere.
"No." Was the clipped reply.
"You want us to leave?" Chris waited as Ezra hesitated for a moment.
"Yes." Ezra didn't really want to be left alone, he knew why but wouldn't allow the memory to return to haunt him all over again.
"You know where we are if you need us Ezra." Chris told him before he got up and followed Sarah out of the room.
Ezra watched as the door was closed and he looked around the now empty room, a sudden feeling of loneliness filled his mind and he fought to push it away, he realised he hadn't been so successful in blocking everything out again like he thought he had.
***
Chris walked down the stairs into the saloon that was now full with the evening crowd. He made his way to the table with Sarah following him and sat down without saying a word, his expression told the men everything.
"He's back to his old self isn't he." JD said quietly knowing that he didn't need an answer to confirm what he and the others were thinking.
"If you’re going to do something Josiah, you better do it quick or we won't get him back." Chris looked at Josiah and allowed him to see what he was feeling, he felt crushed, after everything that Ezra had been through, it had all been for nothing.
"There's no time like the present." Josiah commented as he got up. "Chris, Buck, you mind giving me a hand, I might need you to hold him down." He didn't miss the looks that passed between his friends.
***
Ezra had managed to get out of his bed after more than one attempt, he had only fallen once when he tried to pull on his trousers. He sat on the bed when he had finally gotten back up off the floor, he was still sitting on the bed doing the buttons of his shirt up when he heard the door to his room open, he looked up to see three of his associates enter and head straight for him.
"What do you think you’re doing Ezra?" Josiah growled at him.
Ezra sighed and opened his arms. "I know you are not blind Josiah, as you can plainly see I am getting dressed."
"That's not a good idea after what you have been through." Josiah looked down at Ezra and then nodded at Chris and Buck. Together they grabbed Ezra by the arms and legs and put him back on the bed. Chris and Buck then stepped back to watch and wait quietly in case Josiah needed them again.
Ezra knew instantly what they were going to do but his struggles were too weak to stop them, he felt his body being lifted and forced back onto the bed, he tried to get up again but a strong hand pressed against his chest and pushed him back down. He gasped as the pain tore through him.
"Don't even think of getting up Ezra, were going to have a little talk and neither of us are leaving until were done." Josiah didn't flinch at the angry glare that Ezra gave him. "Do you understand me?"
"I have no intention of talking to you." Ezra spat at him as he pulled himself up into a sitting position, he winced as Josiah pushed him back against the headboard.
"You don't have a choice, were going to deal with this once and for all Ezra, you’re not going to push it all away again, we are not going to let you. Do you hear me!" Josiah was letting Ezra see his anger.
"I tried it your way, it didn't work!"
"You didn't give it enough time Ezra." Josiah calmed his voice down.
"And how much time am I supposed to give it, the feelings hurt too much Josiah, and I couldn't take the pain anymore."
Josiah sat down on the bed and saw Ezra flinch away from him. "I want those emotions back Ezra, I want you to remember what your Uncle did to you, that way we can start dealing with it."
"What do you mean we? It's my memory, my emotions, you’re not feeling what I am, and I’m not going through that again." Ezra growled at him. "I can't go through that again."
"But you need to go through it again Ezra." Josiah tried to put his hand on his shoulder but Ezra pushed his arm away.
"What I need is for you to stop hurting me!"
"It was your Uncle who hurt you Ezra, not me." Josiah said quietly.
"These emotions that you are making me feel are hurting me as much as he did." Ezra threw back at him.
"That's because you won't accept them Ezra." Josiah tried to explain to him.
"I did accept them, but it didn't help, it just seemed to make me want to push everything away even more, I tried to fight it but I couldn't." Ezra looked up into Josiah's eyes. "Why does it hurt so much?"
"There like opened wounds Ezra, they are going to hurt you, it's going to take time for them to close and heal, you have to give them that time."
"They were healed Josiah but all of you brought it back again, I feel like it's never going to stop hurting." Ezra looked down at his hands but he saw Josiah's hand coming towards him again and he pushed him away.
"I'm sorry Ezra but if we didn't do it then something else would have." He moved closer to Ezra intending to do what he had planned all along. "There's nothing I can do to help the pain unless you let me in."
Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes against the memory as it broke down his wall of protection and flooded back into his mind, it also allowed the emotions to come back. "Why do you keep doing this to me Josiah? I had them shut away." He drew his knees up to his chest and allowed his head to fall on them. "God it hurts to much." He felt an arm on his shoulder. "Get off me!" He violently pushed Josiah away.
"Tell me what you’re feeling Ezra." Josiah again spoke quietly.
"I feel scared, I feel angry and I feel as though my body is being crushed." He didn't lift his head. "I hate them for what they did and I hate myself for allowing them to do it."
"It wasn't your fault Ezra, you were twelve years old, what could you have done to stop him from putting you in the cellar?"
"I could have kept my mouth shut for one thing."
Josiah smiled as he moved even closer. "Your mouth does get you into trouble doesn't it."
"I shouldn't have spilt the milk."
"The first thing that you need to do Ezra is to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault Ezra."
"Try telling them that, all I heard was them telling me that it wouldn't have happened if I had kept my mouth shut, it was always my fault that he beat me, no one else's."
"Did anyone else that you stayed with beat you like he did?"
"There were others but they weren't as bad as Uncle Jack was."
"You had more than one relative that beat you." Josiah had remembered Ezra saying something about being hit by others but not beaten.
"I had a wonderful childhood, a mother who never wanted me, and relatives that didn't want to look after me so they took their anger out on me. There were some that I actually had a good time with but there weren’t enough of them. There were more bad times than good, I got away from my mother as soon as I was able to." Ezra's head was still against his knees. "She always managed to find me though." He looked up into Josiah's eyes. "What did I do that made them hate me so much?"
"You didn't do anything Ezra. None of it was your fault. Maude put you with the wrong people."
"She told me before she left that she had paid them to look after me."
"I'm sorry Ezra."
"What for Josiah, you didn't do anything."
"Neither did you Ezra." He watched as he allowed his head to fall back onto his knees. "Do you believe that Ezra?"
"If it wasn't my fault then who's was it.?"
"It was the fault of the people who beat you, the families that caused you all this pain, you didn't do anything." Ezra shook his head in denial. "Ezra if you walked out of this room and beat the first child who bumped into you, would it be the child's fault that you hit him?" The shocked expression that Ezra gave him told him what he wanted to hear.
"Of course not and I would never hit a child." Ezra told him.
"Then why was it your fault that your Uncle hit you? Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? You were twelve Ezra, you were not to blame."
"It wasn't my fault?"
"No it wasn't." Josiah again tried to show Ezra comfort by using his touch but he again refused it. "Are you ready to allow these wounds to heal?"
Ezra nodded as he finally understood that what had happened wasn't his fault, he felt the anger and shame that he held towards himself flow from his mind, he didn't have to shut that away anymore as it was no longer there. He still felt a lot of anger and fear though.
"Good, now before we talk about it some more I want you to deal with something or else we won't be able to get through these other feelings that are hurting you."
Ezra looked back at him. "What?"
"We found out that you didn't like to be touched because you thought that we were showing you pity." Ezra frowned at him, "we also know it's because your Aunt caused you pain when she took care of your injuries but for some reason you are still refusing it, there's a reason for it and I want to know what it is Ezra." He placed his hand against Ezra's forehead while he was distracted with what he had just told him. "Why don't you like it when we do this Ezra?"
Chris and Buck fought to keep themselves away from Ezra, they could see what Josiah was trying to do and knew that he would need them, they each hoped that what he was going to do wouldn't cause Ezra any injuries, they wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt if they hurt him. They listened to what Ezra had told Josiah and how much easier it was to get him to talk than it had been the last time, Josiah hadn't given Ezra enough time to strengthen the wall that he had built around himself and it had broken easily. They moved to the bed quickly as Ezra tried to get his head away from Josiah, they took an arm each and pulled them down beside him.
"What are you doing?" Ezra growled at them.
"Tell me why you don't like it Ezra." Josiah repeated.
"You know why, you just said so yourself." Ezra tried to pull his head away but Josiah just pressed harder and Ezra could feel the pain as his head was forced back against the headboard, he blinked as another memory tried to resurface.
"What is it Ezra?" Josiah could see the blank expression on his face but it was quickly gone.
"Josiah, take your hand off my head, please."
"Not until you tell me what your remembering." Josiah warned him.
"It's because of the pity and what my Aunt did." He stop struggling as he remembered the pain that it had caused him each time he tried to turn his head away from her.
"It's more than that Ezra, I can see it in your eyes. What is it?"
Ezra began to struggle against the memory and without realising it Josiah pushed harder. The pain tore through the back of his head as Ezra felt his Aunt's hand push his head further into the thin mattress and against the hard wood that was beneath it, he felt the stitches that she had put in tear their way out of the wound that his Uncle had caused.
"Josiah please!" Ezra cried out, he heard her words of anger as she slapped his face for bleeding onto the pillow again, she was angry because she now had to restitch the wound and she was going to cause him more pain when she did it. She'd had better things to do than to look after this sniffling brat. She took hold of his hand and pressed her long nails into his flesh until the blood began to flow.
"Josiah." Ezra sobbed as she roughly turned him onto his stomach not caring about the pain that tore through his side or ankle, he felt the pain worsen as she pulled hard with each stitch and when she had finished she rolled him back over and placed her hand back on his head daring him to move.
Ezra stopped struggling to get away, he kept his head still. "I won't move, I promise, just take your hand away, it hurts, please, it hurts so much." But she didn't listen, she pressed harder again and Ezra screamed when the fresh stitches broke a second time. The scream ended abruptly when the hand slapped him.
"Ezra?" Josiah took his hand away but Ezra hadn't moved, he seemed to be in some sort of shock. "Ezra!" He slapped him and watched as Ezra blinked away the tears.
"Why did you do that to me?" Ezra yelled at him and tried to push him away. "What did I do? Why did you hurt me so much? I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything." Ezra began to cry. "I didn't do anything."
Buck and Chris let go of Ezra's arms while Josiah took them and turned Ezra towards him. "What did they do Ezra?"
"She kept pushing . . . my head into the . . . wood and my . . . stitches broke, she had to . . . restitch them . . . but then she did it all . . . over again. Why? What . . . did I do?" He couldn't stop the tears that fell. "Why Josiah? Tell me!"
Josiah threw his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, like he had done in the saloon a week ago. He held Ezra close and placing his hand against his head, he pulled Ezra into his shoulder, trying to give him the comfort he needed to get him through the pain that he was feeling, he could feel Ezra's body shake within his hold. Ezra flinched in Josiah's arms when he heard Chris swear and slam his fist against the wall.
"Three times . . . she did it, she would break the stitches . . . and then redo them . . . three times." The tears wouldn't stop. "It . . . was just like . . . when I asked him . . . to leave me . . . alone . . . all I did was . . . move . . . my head away . . . she had . . . pressed . . . her nails into . . . my . . . forehead."
Josiah began to rock Ezra back and forth. "She can't hurt you anymore Ezra, neither of them can."
"But it . . . hurts . . . now."
"I know Ezra, I'm sorry. I'll help you get through it, I won't let you deal with it alone."
"Why did they . . . do it . . . Josiah?"
"I can't give you an answer Ezra, I'm sorry but there is nothing that I could say that would answer your question."
Josiah began to stroke his head as he rocked him back and forth as the tears continued to flow from Ezra. He looked up at Chris and Buck and saw the anger and hatred in their own eyes.
"Did she do anything else to you Ezra?"
"Just the same . . . sort of thing, they . . . always wanted to hurt me . . . for some reason." Ezra became quite for a moment and Josiah had thought that he had fallen asleep, he went to push Ezra away so he could lie him down on the bed but he felt Ezra's hands grab him as he pulled himself back against Josiah's chest, Ezra didn't want to let go.
"Don't let me go, please Josiah." He heard Ezra's deep sigh. "I want to feel something that doesn't hurt."
Buck couldn't take anymore, he went towards the bed and sat down, and he wrapped his arms around Ezra and Josiah.
"We’re here for you Ezra." Buck stayed that way for a few minutes before letting go and leaving the room. Chris could do nothing but stand and watch as Ezra fell asleep in Josiah's arms. Once Josiah realised that Ezra was sleeping he tried to lie him down again but even in his sleep, Ezra held on tight.
"Looks like you’re going to be stuck like that for a while Josiah." Chris tried to smile but he was feeling too much anger about what Ezra had gone through during the six months that he had spent with his Uncle and Aunt.
***
Buck shakily made his way down the stairs, he ignored the looks that his tears brought from the regulars that he passed on his way to the table that his friends were sitting at. He sat down heavily in the chair and with a still shaking hand, he drank the whisky that was placed in front of him.
"Oh God, why would anyone want to do that to a twelve year old boy." He muttered but they all heard him clearly, he then covered his own eyes as the tears flowed for the man who had suffered so much as a child and was still suffering now.
Vin placed his arm around Buck's shaking shoulders and waited patiently until he stopped. He had remembered how bad it had been for Ezra the last time this happened and hoped that it was easier for him to talk to Josiah the second time around. When Buck had gained control of himself, he poured him another drink as he knew that he needed it.
"How's Ezra doing?"
"Doing?" Buck turned on him as he released his anger on the wrong person. "Ezra was twelve years old, he just spent a month in a cellar and was then nearly beaten to death but she had to cause him more pain. She didn't leave it at that, she put her hand against his forehead and pushed his head down hard enough to break the stitches that were in the back of his head. She then made sure that she caused him plenty of pain when she stitched him back up again. She did same thing two more times!" Buck's shoulders dropped as the anger left him.
"How could someone do that? Ezra was just a boy." He rubbed his face and closed his eyes as Ezra's words repeated in his mind. "He kept asking Josiah what he did wrong as though it was something he did that caused them to hurt him like that. I couldn't take anymore, I had to leave the room." Buck looked around the table but there were no eyes to meet his gaze as everyone was looking down. "I think he's sleeping now." He watched as everyone got up as one and made their way to the stairs. Buck followed them.
***
Josiah kept rocking Ezra and continued to stroke his head even though he knew he was asleep. Chris had sat down on the bed with them and had placed his own arm over Ezra's shoulder, rubbing his back occasionally. They could both hear the steady rhythm of his breathing as he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Neither looked up as they heard the door to Ezra's room quietly open, they kept their eyes on the sleeping form that was held tightly in Josiah's arms.
No one spoke a word as they entered the room and saw the scene that greeted them. Each member of the newly formed family found their own place in the room to wait, Sarah moved to the bed and sat down, and she took Ezra's limp hand in hers and held it, using her own thumb to rub the back of his hand.
Ezra took in a quick intake of breath but did not move away from Josiah. He could feel the comforting motion of Josiah rocking him and the hand that stroked his head and back, it was a touch that didn't cause him any pain and for a second time he accepted the touch but this time he swore not to let his Aunt, Uncle or even himself to take it away from him. These people were not going to hurt him like they did. He now had a family that was going take care of him and help him heal his wounds. The thoughts soon left his mind though as he went into a deeper sleep where nothing could reach him, his body and mind needed to begin it's healing process.
Chris and Josiah both noticed as Ezra's breathing became more shallow and looked over at Nathan who quickly came forward. He felt Ezra's pulse and lifted his eyelid and smiled. "He's okay, he's gone into a deeper sleep, and you can lay him down now Josiah."
"He doesn't want me to let him go Nathan." Josiah explained to him.
"Don't worry, Ezra isn't going to know, he's going to be asleep for a while."
Josiah carefully lifted Ezra up off the bed and waited while Chris and Sarah pulled the bedcover back, he then laid him down and took his shirt off before making sure that he was comfortable, once the bedcover was pulled back over him Josiah sat down next to Ezra and continued to stroke his face and head. Nathan had said that Ezra wouldn't know that he was there but he wasn't going to let that stop him from being there for Ezra.
As the hours passed each man left to get some much needed sleep, they were only gone for a few hours at a time and then returned to Ezra's room. Each of them also took a turn sitting on the bed with Ezra and used their hands to show how much they cared for the gambler, by either holding his hand or stroking his face, they spoke to him even though they knew he couldn't hear them. If it wasn't for the fact that Nathan had told them that he was sleeping they would have thought that he was dying again as he didn't show any sign of life apart from breathing, his chest continuing to rise and fall.
Sixteen hours passed before Ezra showed any indication that he was going to wake up, Josiah was sitting with him when he rolled over on to his side to face him but he continued to sleep, he wiped away the loose hair that fell onto Ezra's forehead. Josiah was glad to see some sort of movement from Ezra, he knew that he was going to be okay now as he had gotten the worst of it out of his system, he still needed to talk about it though but he was sure that he would.
Josiah turned and leant back on the bed head, he placed his hand on Ezra's head and rubbed his temple with his thumb. He wanted Ezra to feel a comforting touch when he started to become more aware of what was around him, he then waited patiently for him to wake up on his own, it was another two hours before he did.
Ezra started to hear and feel things, he also felt an overwhelming calmness, which was caused by the gentle touch against his forehead, he didn't know which of his friends it was but he did know they weren't going to hurt him so he didn't move away from them. He then remembered what had happened, the memories began to return but they didn't seem to hurt him like they did before, it still caused him to hurt inside but the pain had eased. This was what Josiah meant when he said talking about it would make him feel better.
"Josiah?" His voice was husky due to the dryness of his throat. He felt someone get off the bed but the hand stayed where it was as it continued to stroke his face.
"I'm here Ezra." He looked into the green eyes as they opened and focused on him.
"Thank you." A tear fell down Ezra's face.
"You're welcome Ezra." Josiah wiped the tear from Ezra's cheek. "You want something to drink."
"Only if it doesn't have any of Nathan's herbs in it, I don't think I need another bruise." Ezra smiled at him but turned to look over his shoulder as he heard someone groan. He saw Nathan leaning against the wall, his head hanging low. "It wasn't your fault Nathan, don't worry about it."
Nathan looked up at him and saw the smile on Ezra's face, it didn't really help him though. He smiled back at him, he didn't have to force it as he was happy to see that Ezra was doing okay.
Ezra carefully drank the water that Josiah gave to him. "I think that I could eat something as well." Ezra informed Nathan.
"Nathan why don't you arrange something for Ezra while we have a talk." Josiah looked down at Ezra and saw him nod in agreement. "We'll be down soon." Nathan was about to protest about Ezra leaving his room but he changed his mind. He left them to talk.
***
Nathan knew that everyone was still sitting in the saloon waiting for Ezra to wake up, he looked at them as he made his way down the stairs, and he wasn't able to keep the smile from his face. When he reached the table, he slapped Buck on the back. "Ezra's awake and he's going to be fine, they’re going to talk for a while and then come down for something to eat." There were smiles from everyone who was at the table.
"I'll go and make him something to eat." Mary told Nathan.
"Just some soup thanks Mary, he hasn't really eaten anything for the last week, and it’ll take a few days before he'll have a real appetite."
The small group sat at the table for another three hours, the soup had gone cold while waiting for its host. They looked up when they finally heard noises coming from the balcony. Ezra walked on his own but he knew Josiah was close to him in case he needed him, he held onto the rail as he made his way down the stairs and then slowly walked to the table where his friends were waiting for him, he sat down in the chair that Buck had pulled up for him.
Buck couldn't help himself. "Ezra."
Ezra turned in his chair to look at Buck but before he was able to Buck wrapped both his arms around him and held him tight. "Buck you seem to be proving my point about how embarrassing you can be." Ezra laughed at him, he still didn't return the hug but he knew that it would only be a matter of time before he was able to. Buck finally let him go.
Everyone but Nathan stood up and gave Ezra either a slap on the back or a quick hug, he was surprised by the kiss he received from Sarah. He smiled back at them but frowned at Nathan. "Is there something wrong Nathan, you’re not still feeling guilty are you?"
"I made you sick Ezra, you stopped breathing because of me, and I could have killed you." Nathan couldn't get rid of his guilt.
"Excuse me?" Ezra growled at him. Everyone looked at Ezra then Josiah who shrugged at them, he had no idea what was wrong, and Ezra was okay a minute ago. "I don't want to hear any of your self-pity Mr Jackson."
"Oh no." Chris groaned, Ezra ignored him.
Ezra stood up, the anger evident on his face. "After everything that I have been through, you sit there and blame yourself for it." He walked around the table to Nathan's chair, Josiah had tried to grab Ezra's arm but he pushed him away. "Stand up Mr Jackson."
"Ezra, what are you doing?" Chris growled at him as he watched Nathan get up from his chair.
"Mr Jackson needs to be taught a lesson." What Ezra did next shocked and surprised all of them, he took Nathan into his arms and hugged him. He quickly pushed him away again though because he wasn't comfortable with it, it was going to take a time like Josiah said. "There is no need to feel guilty Nathan, besides your taking all the attention away from me." Ezra couldn't help but smile at the look on Nathan's face. "I'm going to need some more of this attention so I can get use to it."
"What the hell did you say to him up there." Chris asked Josiah.
"Nothing Chris, Ezra did most of the talking."
Nathan laughed at Ezra and then returned the hug, surprising Ezra as he did so. "Um, a little bit at a time Nathan . . . Nathan?" Ezra looked at Vin over Nathan's shoulder. "Vin, help me out here please."
"You started it Ezra." Vin smiled at him, he didn't realise Ezra was serious.
"Nathan . . . please."
"Sorry Ezra, bit too much at once, huh?" He let go of Ezra and caught the fear that flickered quickly across his face.
Ezra accepted the fear like Josiah had told him to, instead of pushing it away, he smiled and nodded at Nathan.
"Yeah, just little bits of attention at a time please, Doctor's orders."
The End
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Master Fan Fiction List
Fifteenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra's emotions continue to heal but he becomes seriously ill and the other members suspect that it's due to the emotional trauma he’s suffered.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven + OC's.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Fifteenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 22,868
Part Three
'Kill me, did Nathan say kill me.' This thought was so strong that it had pushed all of the other thoughts and emotions to the back of his mind, where they gathered their strength for the final battle of who was going to control the now fragile mind. For a moment, Ezra actually thought they were trying to kill him again but then he remembered the concern that they were showing him through the gentle touch of their hands on his face, he also realised that he had been wrong the first as the fever that he had, had controlled his mind. He had been angry at them for forgetting him but he had also felt the fear of dying alone which he now related to the memory that had recently returned to torment him. What had happened wasn't their fault and he had accepted that.
The other memories and emotions began to find their way back to the forefront of his mind where the battle begins to rage again. Ezra stopped fighting them, he couldn't do it anymore, he gave up and let them try to gain control over each other, and he just hoped that when the battle was over the part of him that wanted to change had won. He just didn't care anymore, he was too tired to fight them.
Ezra grimaced as a light penetrated his thoughts and drove them away for a moment, he rolled over onto his side and opened his eyes to find out what was causing the intrusion. He blinked until his eyes adjusted to the brightness and then saw that someone had lit another lamp.
"Could someone please turn . . . that down." Ezra moaned, it was also causing his head to hurt more, the struggle had come to a climax.
The light was blocked out by Nathan's form. "How are you feeling Ezra?"
Ezra just scowled at him, he couldn't fight what his natural instinct wanted to do anymore, and he rolled back over away from Nathan. He closed his eyes again but opened them when he heard another voice.
"Ezra?" Chris bent down next to the bed and looked into Ezra's face, he also put his hand on his forehead only to have Ezra weakly pull it away. Chris put his hand back.
"Please don't do that Mr Larabee!" Ezra had begun to feel the headache ease as the need to push them away finally won the long struggle that had been raging in his mind.
Chris removed his hand and watched as Ezra closed his eyes again, he couldn't hide the disappointment that he felt when Ezra had used his last name. When he knew that he was asleep, again he put his hand back on Ezra's head.
"You won this one Ezra but not the next one, were going to get rid of those habits for you."
"And how are we going to do that Chris?" Vin asked him, they all heard what Ezra had said.
"I'm sure Josiah will think of something." Chris looked up at him thinking that he would see nothing but confusion but instead he saw a smile.
"I have an idea." Josiah shrugged at Chris, he knew that there was only one real way to get Ezra to change and accept their concern but it would have to wait until he was stronger, he needed to Ezra to fight and he couldn't do that why he was still weak.
Ezra's mind was at peace now that his old habits had won the fight and his sleep was no longer tormented by the dreams as the memory had been pushed to a corner of his mind and another wall was built around it. It was this peaceful sleep that worried the men who watched him as he rolled over onto his side and push himself further into his pillow. They had wanted his dreams to end but not like this, they wanted him to deal with them not push them away again as he had done. He was also going to push his friends away, they knew this by the use of Chris's last name. They were back where they started, they just hoped that what Josiah had planned would work.
Nathan got up from the bed. "Now that Ezra's better and sleeping peacefully, perhaps we should get some rest." He suggested. "I can't even remember the last time any of us slept."
"And if we all leave, who's going to stay with Ezra?" Buck wanted to know. "We can't leave him on his own."
"I'll stay with him if that's okay." They all turned around as they heard Sarah's voice, they didn't hear her come into the room. Mary was also with her and they both carried trays of food. "Why don't you take this food downstairs, have something to eat and then go and get some sleep. I'll stay with Ezra until one of you come back."
"I don't think that would be a good idea, Ezra will probably be in a bad mood when he wakes up, it might be better if he was on his own." Nathan told her.
"If I could handle him while he was in that cellar then I can handle him if he wakes up." Sarah insisted. They all winced at the mention of the cellar as they remembered what it meant to Ezra.
"Let her stay Nathan, Sarah will be fine, Ezra won't take it out on her, he'll be angry at us not Sarah." Josiah assured him.
Chris agreed with him, he nodded at the others and they began to leave the room, Buck and Vin took the trays of food. Mary followed them out, leaving only Josiah and Chris with Sarah.
"If he wakes up, let him do whatever he wants." Josiah told Sarah and she nodded in understanding. "If he wants you to leave, then go, if he wants to leave this room, let him, if he doesn't want to talk then don't force him and most important, don't touch him."
"This part of your plan Josiah?" Chris asked him.
"Something like that Chris, if we push him like we did before, this wall that he has rebuilt is just going to get stronger and we might not be able to break through it again, I don't want to give him any reason to make it stronger, I want that wall to be weak when I talk to him."
"Are you going to tell us what your plan is?" Chris wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let Ezra do what he wanted, he thought that it would give him the chance to push them away but he decided to allow Josiah to do this because he was the one that finally got Ezra to let out his emotions.
"Not yet, I have to think it through first as I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, I don't know if it will make him break or push him further away from us."
"Anything is worth a try at the moment Josiah." Chris looked down at Ezra and then left the room, he wasn't really hungry but he was tired and he was going to welcome the much-needed sleep as would the others.
"Sarah?" Josiah spoke quietly. "You do understand what I want you to do?"
"Yes I do Josiah." She smiled at him and then went to the chair in the corner of the room and sat down. "Don't worry, if he wakes up I'll let him do what he wants."
Sarah watched as Josiah closed the door behind him as he left the room, her eyes then turned to Ezra who was facing her, the right side his face disappeared into the pillow and the left side was slack as he slept peacefully. She held her breath while he rolled further onto his stomach and saw the grimace that appeared on the part of his face that wasn't hidden. Sarah thought that he may have been dreaming, she didn't realise that it was caused by the pain of his bruised chest pressing into the mattress, he rolled back over again away from the pain and the blanket pulled away from his shoulder, she saw the massive bruise that had started to form in the middle of his chest.
Sarah wanted to go over to the bed and pull the blanket back over his shoulder so he wouldn't get cold but she held back because she knew that if he woke while she was doing it, he might get angry. That was the last thing that Josiah wanted to happen, so she stayed where she was and continued to watch him. Ezra changed his sleeping position occasionally but apart from that, there were no signs to show that he was dreaming or that he was going to wake up.
Four hours later Chris quietly walked into the room to find that Ezra was still asleep. He smiled at Sarah and then went and sat on the bed. He couldn't believe how peaceful Ezra looked, his calm expression gave the observer no indication of what had been going on in his mind for the last couple of days or even the few weeks that he had spent trying to deal with the memory of his Uncle and Aunt. His face showed no sign but his body spoke volumes, the scars stood out against the paleness of his skin, the bruise on his chest was already spreading and he had begun to lose weight again
"He been asleep all this time?" Chris asked Sarah.
"Yes." Sarah was looking at Ezra. "Were you?" Her eyes lifted up towards Chris's face.
"Not really, I couldn't get to sleep." He admitted to her.
"Did you eat anything?"
"Not much."
"I suppose everyone else will be walking in here shortly as well." Sarah hadn't realised that these men were so close, they seemed to treat each other like they were a family.
"There already downstairs, we thought that it would be best if we came up one at a time." He smiled, he had wanted to sleep but as soon as his head was on the pillow all thought of sleep left his mind and all he could think of was Ezra. He had tried to get to sleep but gave up after an hour and then went back to the saloon, it wasn't long after that the others had also begun to come back.
Chris's thoughts were disrupted by Ezra's quick intake of breath, he looked down at the gambler and watched as he rolled onto his back and open his eyes, they held none of the emotion that had been evident over the last three weeks, the old Ezra was definitely back. He began to sit up and let out a small gasp as he felt the pain in his chest, he looked down and saw the bruise.
"What did that?" Ezra croaked.
"Sarah could you get Ezra some water please." Chris asked her.
Ezra looked over his shoulder, wincing at the pain that still came from his chest. He smiled his thanks as she handed him the cup.
"There isn't any of Nathan's herbs in this is there?" He asked her.
"Just water Ezra." She waited for him to drink it and then took the empty cup back.
Ezra felt the cool liquid run down his dry throat and then felt the queaziness that settled over his stomach. It didn't help his mood, he lay back for a moment and waited for it to pass and as he did so he also realised that his mind was at peace, the memory and emotions were no longer trying to destroy him. "Are you going to answer my question Chris." Ezra looked up at him and waited.
"You stopped breathing Ezra."
Ezra's eyes widened in shock. "I what?"
"You stopped breathing." Chris repeated. "Nathan had to get you to start again and he did it by hitting your chest with his fist."
"He must have hit me pretty hard." Ezra used his fingers to touch the bruise, he felt the fear come back to him as he remembered not being able to breath, and he pushed the fear away.
"Four times, he had to hit you four times before you took in a breath. We were all scared there for a minute, we didn't think you were going to come back."
Ezra also remembered something else. "It was the herbs that Nathan made me drink."
"Yeah, and Nathan feels very guilty about it."
"Why? It's not like he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger." Ezra pulled himself up and leaned heavily against the bed board.
Chris wanted to help him, he was also curious about how Ezra would react to the help and even though he had agreed to Josiah's decision not to show Ezra the concern that they had been showing him, he decided to find out what that reaction would be. Chris lifted his hand to feel Ezra's forehead for the fever that was no longer there but Ezra's cold stare stopped him.
"Don't touch me Mr Larabee." Ezra growled at him.
The reaction was what Chris expected but hoped not to see, the simple statement telling him that Ezra's anger was back, the anger that he used to push people away from him. Chris inwardly groaned at the thought of what Josiah was going to have put Ezra through to get the emotions to come back so he could deal with them.
Ezra did not even regret the fact that he had gone back to his old ways, it was like an old friend had come back, a friend who had always taken care of him and helped him deal with his problems, a friend that hadn't let anyone else get close to him. He welcomed the anger that began to build within him, he needed it to push them away, he wanted to push them away, and he wasn't going to go through what he went through when they had tried to help him, if you could call it help. He had seen Chris's hand come towards him and he instantly felt the fear that he thought he had succeeded in pushing away but his anger quickly took control of the fear. He saw the sadness in Chris's eyes but he didn't care, at that moment he preferred to see it in his eyes rather than feel it in his own mind.
"You want something to eat Ezra?" Chris asked him as he tried to cope with the fact that the Ezra who had wanted to change had been pulled from their grasp, he just hoped that he was still in there somewhere.
"No." Was the clipped reply.
"You want us to leave?" Chris waited as Ezra hesitated for a moment.
"Yes." Ezra didn't really want to be left alone, he knew why but wouldn't allow the memory to return to haunt him all over again.
"You know where we are if you need us Ezra." Chris told him before he got up and followed Sarah out of the room.
Ezra watched as the door was closed and he looked around the now empty room, a sudden feeling of loneliness filled his mind and he fought to push it away, he realised he hadn't been so successful in blocking everything out again like he thought he had.
***
Chris walked down the stairs into the saloon that was now full with the evening crowd. He made his way to the table with Sarah following him and sat down without saying a word, his expression told the men everything.
"He's back to his old self isn't he." JD said quietly knowing that he didn't need an answer to confirm what he and the others were thinking.
"If you’re going to do something Josiah, you better do it quick or we won't get him back." Chris looked at Josiah and allowed him to see what he was feeling, he felt crushed, after everything that Ezra had been through, it had all been for nothing.
"There's no time like the present." Josiah commented as he got up. "Chris, Buck, you mind giving me a hand, I might need you to hold him down." He didn't miss the looks that passed between his friends.
***
Ezra had managed to get out of his bed after more than one attempt, he had only fallen once when he tried to pull on his trousers. He sat on the bed when he had finally gotten back up off the floor, he was still sitting on the bed doing the buttons of his shirt up when he heard the door to his room open, he looked up to see three of his associates enter and head straight for him.
"What do you think you’re doing Ezra?" Josiah growled at him.
Ezra sighed and opened his arms. "I know you are not blind Josiah, as you can plainly see I am getting dressed."
"That's not a good idea after what you have been through." Josiah looked down at Ezra and then nodded at Chris and Buck. Together they grabbed Ezra by the arms and legs and put him back on the bed. Chris and Buck then stepped back to watch and wait quietly in case Josiah needed them again.
Ezra knew instantly what they were going to do but his struggles were too weak to stop them, he felt his body being lifted and forced back onto the bed, he tried to get up again but a strong hand pressed against his chest and pushed him back down. He gasped as the pain tore through him.
"Don't even think of getting up Ezra, were going to have a little talk and neither of us are leaving until were done." Josiah didn't flinch at the angry glare that Ezra gave him. "Do you understand me?"
"I have no intention of talking to you." Ezra spat at him as he pulled himself up into a sitting position, he winced as Josiah pushed him back against the headboard.
"You don't have a choice, were going to deal with this once and for all Ezra, you’re not going to push it all away again, we are not going to let you. Do you hear me!" Josiah was letting Ezra see his anger.
"I tried it your way, it didn't work!"
"You didn't give it enough time Ezra." Josiah calmed his voice down.
"And how much time am I supposed to give it, the feelings hurt too much Josiah, and I couldn't take the pain anymore."
Josiah sat down on the bed and saw Ezra flinch away from him. "I want those emotions back Ezra, I want you to remember what your Uncle did to you, that way we can start dealing with it."
"What do you mean we? It's my memory, my emotions, you’re not feeling what I am, and I’m not going through that again." Ezra growled at him. "I can't go through that again."
"But you need to go through it again Ezra." Josiah tried to put his hand on his shoulder but Ezra pushed his arm away.
"What I need is for you to stop hurting me!"
"It was your Uncle who hurt you Ezra, not me." Josiah said quietly.
"These emotions that you are making me feel are hurting me as much as he did." Ezra threw back at him.
"That's because you won't accept them Ezra." Josiah tried to explain to him.
"I did accept them, but it didn't help, it just seemed to make me want to push everything away even more, I tried to fight it but I couldn't." Ezra looked up into Josiah's eyes. "Why does it hurt so much?"
"There like opened wounds Ezra, they are going to hurt you, it's going to take time for them to close and heal, you have to give them that time."
"They were healed Josiah but all of you brought it back again, I feel like it's never going to stop hurting." Ezra looked down at his hands but he saw Josiah's hand coming towards him again and he pushed him away.
"I'm sorry Ezra but if we didn't do it then something else would have." He moved closer to Ezra intending to do what he had planned all along. "There's nothing I can do to help the pain unless you let me in."
Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes against the memory as it broke down his wall of protection and flooded back into his mind, it also allowed the emotions to come back. "Why do you keep doing this to me Josiah? I had them shut away." He drew his knees up to his chest and allowed his head to fall on them. "God it hurts to much." He felt an arm on his shoulder. "Get off me!" He violently pushed Josiah away.
"Tell me what you’re feeling Ezra." Josiah again spoke quietly.
"I feel scared, I feel angry and I feel as though my body is being crushed." He didn't lift his head. "I hate them for what they did and I hate myself for allowing them to do it."
"It wasn't your fault Ezra, you were twelve years old, what could you have done to stop him from putting you in the cellar?"
"I could have kept my mouth shut for one thing."
Josiah smiled as he moved even closer. "Your mouth does get you into trouble doesn't it."
"I shouldn't have spilt the milk."
"The first thing that you need to do Ezra is to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault Ezra."
"Try telling them that, all I heard was them telling me that it wouldn't have happened if I had kept my mouth shut, it was always my fault that he beat me, no one else's."
"Did anyone else that you stayed with beat you like he did?"
"There were others but they weren't as bad as Uncle Jack was."
"You had more than one relative that beat you." Josiah had remembered Ezra saying something about being hit by others but not beaten.
"I had a wonderful childhood, a mother who never wanted me, and relatives that didn't want to look after me so they took their anger out on me. There were some that I actually had a good time with but there weren’t enough of them. There were more bad times than good, I got away from my mother as soon as I was able to." Ezra's head was still against his knees. "She always managed to find me though." He looked up into Josiah's eyes. "What did I do that made them hate me so much?"
"You didn't do anything Ezra. None of it was your fault. Maude put you with the wrong people."
"She told me before she left that she had paid them to look after me."
"I'm sorry Ezra."
"What for Josiah, you didn't do anything."
"Neither did you Ezra." He watched as he allowed his head to fall back onto his knees. "Do you believe that Ezra?"
"If it wasn't my fault then who's was it.?"
"It was the fault of the people who beat you, the families that caused you all this pain, you didn't do anything." Ezra shook his head in denial. "Ezra if you walked out of this room and beat the first child who bumped into you, would it be the child's fault that you hit him?" The shocked expression that Ezra gave him told him what he wanted to hear.
"Of course not and I would never hit a child." Ezra told him.
"Then why was it your fault that your Uncle hit you? Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? You were twelve Ezra, you were not to blame."
"It wasn't my fault?"
"No it wasn't." Josiah again tried to show Ezra comfort by using his touch but he again refused it. "Are you ready to allow these wounds to heal?"
Ezra nodded as he finally understood that what had happened wasn't his fault, he felt the anger and shame that he held towards himself flow from his mind, he didn't have to shut that away anymore as it was no longer there. He still felt a lot of anger and fear though.
"Good, now before we talk about it some more I want you to deal with something or else we won't be able to get through these other feelings that are hurting you."
Ezra looked back at him. "What?"
"We found out that you didn't like to be touched because you thought that we were showing you pity." Ezra frowned at him, "we also know it's because your Aunt caused you pain when she took care of your injuries but for some reason you are still refusing it, there's a reason for it and I want to know what it is Ezra." He placed his hand against Ezra's forehead while he was distracted with what he had just told him. "Why don't you like it when we do this Ezra?"
Chris and Buck fought to keep themselves away from Ezra, they could see what Josiah was trying to do and knew that he would need them, they each hoped that what he was going to do wouldn't cause Ezra any injuries, they wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt if they hurt him. They listened to what Ezra had told Josiah and how much easier it was to get him to talk than it had been the last time, Josiah hadn't given Ezra enough time to strengthen the wall that he had built around himself and it had broken easily. They moved to the bed quickly as Ezra tried to get his head away from Josiah, they took an arm each and pulled them down beside him.
"What are you doing?" Ezra growled at them.
"Tell me why you don't like it Ezra." Josiah repeated.
"You know why, you just said so yourself." Ezra tried to pull his head away but Josiah just pressed harder and Ezra could feel the pain as his head was forced back against the headboard, he blinked as another memory tried to resurface.
"What is it Ezra?" Josiah could see the blank expression on his face but it was quickly gone.
"Josiah, take your hand off my head, please."
"Not until you tell me what your remembering." Josiah warned him.
"It's because of the pity and what my Aunt did." He stop struggling as he remembered the pain that it had caused him each time he tried to turn his head away from her.
"It's more than that Ezra, I can see it in your eyes. What is it?"
Ezra began to struggle against the memory and without realising it Josiah pushed harder. The pain tore through the back of his head as Ezra felt his Aunt's hand push his head further into the thin mattress and against the hard wood that was beneath it, he felt the stitches that she had put in tear their way out of the wound that his Uncle had caused.
"Josiah please!" Ezra cried out, he heard her words of anger as she slapped his face for bleeding onto the pillow again, she was angry because she now had to restitch the wound and she was going to cause him more pain when she did it. She'd had better things to do than to look after this sniffling brat. She took hold of his hand and pressed her long nails into his flesh until the blood began to flow.
"Josiah." Ezra sobbed as she roughly turned him onto his stomach not caring about the pain that tore through his side or ankle, he felt the pain worsen as she pulled hard with each stitch and when she had finished she rolled him back over and placed her hand back on his head daring him to move.
Ezra stopped struggling to get away, he kept his head still. "I won't move, I promise, just take your hand away, it hurts, please, it hurts so much." But she didn't listen, she pressed harder again and Ezra screamed when the fresh stitches broke a second time. The scream ended abruptly when the hand slapped him.
"Ezra?" Josiah took his hand away but Ezra hadn't moved, he seemed to be in some sort of shock. "Ezra!" He slapped him and watched as Ezra blinked away the tears.
"Why did you do that to me?" Ezra yelled at him and tried to push him away. "What did I do? Why did you hurt me so much? I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything." Ezra began to cry. "I didn't do anything."
Buck and Chris let go of Ezra's arms while Josiah took them and turned Ezra towards him. "What did they do Ezra?"
"She kept pushing . . . my head into the . . . wood and my . . . stitches broke, she had to . . . restitch them . . . but then she did it all . . . over again. Why? What . . . did I do?" He couldn't stop the tears that fell. "Why Josiah? Tell me!"
Josiah threw his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, like he had done in the saloon a week ago. He held Ezra close and placing his hand against his head, he pulled Ezra into his shoulder, trying to give him the comfort he needed to get him through the pain that he was feeling, he could feel Ezra's body shake within his hold. Ezra flinched in Josiah's arms when he heard Chris swear and slam his fist against the wall.
"Three times . . . she did it, she would break the stitches . . . and then redo them . . . three times." The tears wouldn't stop. "It . . . was just like . . . when I asked him . . . to leave me . . . alone . . . all I did was . . . move . . . my head away . . . she had . . . pressed . . . her nails into . . . my . . . forehead."
Josiah began to rock Ezra back and forth. "She can't hurt you anymore Ezra, neither of them can."
"But it . . . hurts . . . now."
"I know Ezra, I'm sorry. I'll help you get through it, I won't let you deal with it alone."
"Why did they . . . do it . . . Josiah?"
"I can't give you an answer Ezra, I'm sorry but there is nothing that I could say that would answer your question."
Josiah began to stroke his head as he rocked him back and forth as the tears continued to flow from Ezra. He looked up at Chris and Buck and saw the anger and hatred in their own eyes.
"Did she do anything else to you Ezra?"
"Just the same . . . sort of thing, they . . . always wanted to hurt me . . . for some reason." Ezra became quite for a moment and Josiah had thought that he had fallen asleep, he went to push Ezra away so he could lie him down on the bed but he felt Ezra's hands grab him as he pulled himself back against Josiah's chest, Ezra didn't want to let go.
"Don't let me go, please Josiah." He heard Ezra's deep sigh. "I want to feel something that doesn't hurt."
Buck couldn't take anymore, he went towards the bed and sat down, and he wrapped his arms around Ezra and Josiah.
"We’re here for you Ezra." Buck stayed that way for a few minutes before letting go and leaving the room. Chris could do nothing but stand and watch as Ezra fell asleep in Josiah's arms. Once Josiah realised that Ezra was sleeping he tried to lie him down again but even in his sleep, Ezra held on tight.
"Looks like you’re going to be stuck like that for a while Josiah." Chris tried to smile but he was feeling too much anger about what Ezra had gone through during the six months that he had spent with his Uncle and Aunt.
***
Buck shakily made his way down the stairs, he ignored the looks that his tears brought from the regulars that he passed on his way to the table that his friends were sitting at. He sat down heavily in the chair and with a still shaking hand, he drank the whisky that was placed in front of him.
"Oh God, why would anyone want to do that to a twelve year old boy." He muttered but they all heard him clearly, he then covered his own eyes as the tears flowed for the man who had suffered so much as a child and was still suffering now.
Vin placed his arm around Buck's shaking shoulders and waited patiently until he stopped. He had remembered how bad it had been for Ezra the last time this happened and hoped that it was easier for him to talk to Josiah the second time around. When Buck had gained control of himself, he poured him another drink as he knew that he needed it.
"How's Ezra doing?"
"Doing?" Buck turned on him as he released his anger on the wrong person. "Ezra was twelve years old, he just spent a month in a cellar and was then nearly beaten to death but she had to cause him more pain. She didn't leave it at that, she put her hand against his forehead and pushed his head down hard enough to break the stitches that were in the back of his head. She then made sure that she caused him plenty of pain when she stitched him back up again. She did same thing two more times!" Buck's shoulders dropped as the anger left him.
"How could someone do that? Ezra was just a boy." He rubbed his face and closed his eyes as Ezra's words repeated in his mind. "He kept asking Josiah what he did wrong as though it was something he did that caused them to hurt him like that. I couldn't take anymore, I had to leave the room." Buck looked around the table but there were no eyes to meet his gaze as everyone was looking down. "I think he's sleeping now." He watched as everyone got up as one and made their way to the stairs. Buck followed them.
***
Josiah kept rocking Ezra and continued to stroke his head even though he knew he was asleep. Chris had sat down on the bed with them and had placed his own arm over Ezra's shoulder, rubbing his back occasionally. They could both hear the steady rhythm of his breathing as he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Neither looked up as they heard the door to Ezra's room quietly open, they kept their eyes on the sleeping form that was held tightly in Josiah's arms.
No one spoke a word as they entered the room and saw the scene that greeted them. Each member of the newly formed family found their own place in the room to wait, Sarah moved to the bed and sat down, and she took Ezra's limp hand in hers and held it, using her own thumb to rub the back of his hand.
Ezra took in a quick intake of breath but did not move away from Josiah. He could feel the comforting motion of Josiah rocking him and the hand that stroked his head and back, it was a touch that didn't cause him any pain and for a second time he accepted the touch but this time he swore not to let his Aunt, Uncle or even himself to take it away from him. These people were not going to hurt him like they did. He now had a family that was going take care of him and help him heal his wounds. The thoughts soon left his mind though as he went into a deeper sleep where nothing could reach him, his body and mind needed to begin it's healing process.
Chris and Josiah both noticed as Ezra's breathing became more shallow and looked over at Nathan who quickly came forward. He felt Ezra's pulse and lifted his eyelid and smiled. "He's okay, he's gone into a deeper sleep, and you can lay him down now Josiah."
"He doesn't want me to let him go Nathan." Josiah explained to him.
"Don't worry, Ezra isn't going to know, he's going to be asleep for a while."
Josiah carefully lifted Ezra up off the bed and waited while Chris and Sarah pulled the bedcover back, he then laid him down and took his shirt off before making sure that he was comfortable, once the bedcover was pulled back over him Josiah sat down next to Ezra and continued to stroke his face and head. Nathan had said that Ezra wouldn't know that he was there but he wasn't going to let that stop him from being there for Ezra.
As the hours passed each man left to get some much needed sleep, they were only gone for a few hours at a time and then returned to Ezra's room. Each of them also took a turn sitting on the bed with Ezra and used their hands to show how much they cared for the gambler, by either holding his hand or stroking his face, they spoke to him even though they knew he couldn't hear them. If it wasn't for the fact that Nathan had told them that he was sleeping they would have thought that he was dying again as he didn't show any sign of life apart from breathing, his chest continuing to rise and fall.
Sixteen hours passed before Ezra showed any indication that he was going to wake up, Josiah was sitting with him when he rolled over on to his side to face him but he continued to sleep, he wiped away the loose hair that fell onto Ezra's forehead. Josiah was glad to see some sort of movement from Ezra, he knew that he was going to be okay now as he had gotten the worst of it out of his system, he still needed to talk about it though but he was sure that he would.
Josiah turned and leant back on the bed head, he placed his hand on Ezra's head and rubbed his temple with his thumb. He wanted Ezra to feel a comforting touch when he started to become more aware of what was around him, he then waited patiently for him to wake up on his own, it was another two hours before he did.
Ezra started to hear and feel things, he also felt an overwhelming calmness, which was caused by the gentle touch against his forehead, he didn't know which of his friends it was but he did know they weren't going to hurt him so he didn't move away from them. He then remembered what had happened, the memories began to return but they didn't seem to hurt him like they did before, it still caused him to hurt inside but the pain had eased. This was what Josiah meant when he said talking about it would make him feel better.
"Josiah?" His voice was husky due to the dryness of his throat. He felt someone get off the bed but the hand stayed where it was as it continued to stroke his face.
"I'm here Ezra." He looked into the green eyes as they opened and focused on him.
"Thank you." A tear fell down Ezra's face.
"You're welcome Ezra." Josiah wiped the tear from Ezra's cheek. "You want something to drink."
"Only if it doesn't have any of Nathan's herbs in it, I don't think I need another bruise." Ezra smiled at him but turned to look over his shoulder as he heard someone groan. He saw Nathan leaning against the wall, his head hanging low. "It wasn't your fault Nathan, don't worry about it."
Nathan looked up at him and saw the smile on Ezra's face, it didn't really help him though. He smiled back at him, he didn't have to force it as he was happy to see that Ezra was doing okay.
Ezra carefully drank the water that Josiah gave to him. "I think that I could eat something as well." Ezra informed Nathan.
"Nathan why don't you arrange something for Ezra while we have a talk." Josiah looked down at Ezra and saw him nod in agreement. "We'll be down soon." Nathan was about to protest about Ezra leaving his room but he changed his mind. He left them to talk.
***
Nathan knew that everyone was still sitting in the saloon waiting for Ezra to wake up, he looked at them as he made his way down the stairs, and he wasn't able to keep the smile from his face. When he reached the table, he slapped Buck on the back. "Ezra's awake and he's going to be fine, they’re going to talk for a while and then come down for something to eat." There were smiles from everyone who was at the table.
"I'll go and make him something to eat." Mary told Nathan.
"Just some soup thanks Mary, he hasn't really eaten anything for the last week, and it’ll take a few days before he'll have a real appetite."
The small group sat at the table for another three hours, the soup had gone cold while waiting for its host. They looked up when they finally heard noises coming from the balcony. Ezra walked on his own but he knew Josiah was close to him in case he needed him, he held onto the rail as he made his way down the stairs and then slowly walked to the table where his friends were waiting for him, he sat down in the chair that Buck had pulled up for him.
Buck couldn't help himself. "Ezra."
Ezra turned in his chair to look at Buck but before he was able to Buck wrapped both his arms around him and held him tight. "Buck you seem to be proving my point about how embarrassing you can be." Ezra laughed at him, he still didn't return the hug but he knew that it would only be a matter of time before he was able to. Buck finally let him go.
Everyone but Nathan stood up and gave Ezra either a slap on the back or a quick hug, he was surprised by the kiss he received from Sarah. He smiled back at them but frowned at Nathan. "Is there something wrong Nathan, you’re not still feeling guilty are you?"
"I made you sick Ezra, you stopped breathing because of me, and I could have killed you." Nathan couldn't get rid of his guilt.
"Excuse me?" Ezra growled at him. Everyone looked at Ezra then Josiah who shrugged at them, he had no idea what was wrong, and Ezra was okay a minute ago. "I don't want to hear any of your self-pity Mr Jackson."
"Oh no." Chris groaned, Ezra ignored him.
Ezra stood up, the anger evident on his face. "After everything that I have been through, you sit there and blame yourself for it." He walked around the table to Nathan's chair, Josiah had tried to grab Ezra's arm but he pushed him away. "Stand up Mr Jackson."
"Ezra, what are you doing?" Chris growled at him as he watched Nathan get up from his chair.
"Mr Jackson needs to be taught a lesson." What Ezra did next shocked and surprised all of them, he took Nathan into his arms and hugged him. He quickly pushed him away again though because he wasn't comfortable with it, it was going to take a time like Josiah said. "There is no need to feel guilty Nathan, besides your taking all the attention away from me." Ezra couldn't help but smile at the look on Nathan's face. "I'm going to need some more of this attention so I can get use to it."
"What the hell did you say to him up there." Chris asked Josiah.
"Nothing Chris, Ezra did most of the talking."
Nathan laughed at Ezra and then returned the hug, surprising Ezra as he did so. "Um, a little bit at a time Nathan . . . Nathan?" Ezra looked at Vin over Nathan's shoulder. "Vin, help me out here please."
"You started it Ezra." Vin smiled at him, he didn't realise Ezra was serious.
"Nathan . . . please."
"Sorry Ezra, bit too much at once, huh?" He let go of Ezra and caught the fear that flickered quickly across his face.
Ezra accepted the fear like Josiah had told him to, instead of pushing it away, he smiled and nodded at Nathan.
"Yeah, just little bits of attention at a time please, Doctor's orders."
The End
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
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