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azombiewritesTitle: Ulterior Motives
Rating: PG
Warnings: Strong Language, violence and drug use.
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
AU: ATF
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest.
Summary: When Ezra is informed of the death of a friend, he finds out that there is an ulterior motive behind it.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Notes: This story takes place two months after 'The Betrayal' and refers to that story. Lenny Hoskins is my creation.
Spoilers: None
Status: Complete
Total Word Count: 37,801
Ezra opened the door of his room, he stepped out through the doorway and bumped into Josiah, he hadn't seen him standing there; he moved around the taller man without looking at him and walked into the living room. He didn't register the lone tear that fell from his right eye; it left a line of moisture for his friends to see. He walked between the three men who were staring opened mouthed at him, and sat down on the lounge, he heard their voices but couldn't make out the words.
Ezra had been able to keep his emotions in control after the revelation that Lenny was still alive, he'd managed to stay calm during the conversation, he had even become angry, but now he had lost it completely. The emotions burst through the wall that he'd built and were now running out of control. Each time he tried to grab them and force them back behind his wall they would slip through his grasp and then rebel against their attempted capture, they became even stronger and forced the mind and body to go into shock.
His hands were shaking, someone took the phone from him, they had to pry his fingers open to get to it, another hand was on his shoulder, it shook him but he didn't acknowledge it. He didn't want to. His mind seemed to be covered by a heavy fog of confusion and emotional torment; it caused him to become oblivious to everything around him. But his inner thoughts continued to find their way to his consciousness. First Lenny was dead, then he was alive, then dead again and now he had proof that he was alive.
They were both having one hell of a day, for him it was an emotional rollercoaster ride through hell and he had no idea what Lenny was going through. How long was he going to be alive for this time? It was his own entire fault, the man wanted to get to him and he used Lenny to do it. Lenny had said that he was okay but that didn't mean that something had happened to him physically, he was capable of lying to him if he thought it was absolutely necessary to protect him.
"Ezra!" Chris shouted into his ear, the undercover agent didn't respond to him. "What the hell is wrong with him Nathan?"
"Shock, but it's worse this time." Nathan told them, he moved towards Ezra and knelt down in front of him, he used his gentle fingers to check his pulse and pupils. "Buck could you make some of that tea that Ezra drinks put enough sugar in it to make it sweet."
"Jesus, what did that guy say to him?" Chris wanted to know. He tried to remove the phone from Ezra's hand but the Southerner's grip was tight, his knuckles were turning white.
"Shouldn't you be taking him to a hospital if it's that bad?" Josiah came forward and sat down next to Ezra.
"I'll give him an hour, if he doesn't snap out of it, we'll take him in." Nathan agreed.
Josiah took Ezra's chin and turned his head so he could look into his eyes, they were glazed over. "Ezra?" He watched as another tear fell from the Southerner's moist filled eyes. "Ezra." Josiah took the trembling man into his large embrace; he guided his head towards his shoulder then held onto him as tightly as he could without hurting him. He could feel the tremors that wracked his friend's body, but the tears had stopped, they wouldn't flow. His emotions seemed to have taken control but were not releasing themselves from their owner; they apparently wanted his torture to continue.
________________________________________
"For someone who makes a living of being in control he's not doing so well." Stephens turned to smile at Lenny. "Is he."
"You know nothing about him." Lenny glared back at the ugly smile.
"I know what I need to know. He won't involve the others, you'll die, he'll die and his friends won't be any the wiser as to who arranged it."
"They'll put it together, Merchant was involved in my case, there's a coincidence, and you know they've already found it." It was Lenny's turn to smile. "They're going to go after Merchant, if he'd just left it alone he would have been safe, there was no evidence on the guy, he's dug his own grave by hiring you."
Stephens picked up the small metal rod that lay in front of the speakers, he stood up and made sure the FBI agent didn't see it, he took the three steps needed to place him in front of his prisoner.
"Are you saying I'm stupid? That I don't know what I'm doing?" He growled down at him.
"Take it anyway you want. A smart person wouldn't be going to all this trouble, your leaving loose ends, what about the bugs you put in Ezra's apartment, they’re not going to stay hidden for too much longer. When Ezra gets his control back, he'll get the better of you, you’re under estimating him, and he’s a lot smarter than you think." Lenny's smile grew; he had to distract himself from the sound of his friend's emotional torment. The Southerner's silence was tearing him apart. "And from what you've heard, Larabee and the others are going to take care of him, they won't let him die."
"But they won't be following him." Stephens didn't like the way this conversation was going. "They won't know what he's doing."
Lenny shrugged. "Even if you did manage to kill Ezra, which I know won't happen, they won't let it rest until they find the person who killed him, and when they find him that man will suffer. And we know who that man is, don't we." Lenny knew he had managed to put some doubt into the man's mind, he won't be so confident anymore.
"We'll just wait and see, I'm the one with the upper hand, I'm going to know what they're going to do, and I'll be ready for them. Your friend will die but only after he watches you die, and you know what that will do to him." Stephens didn't wait for Lenny's reaction, he swung his arm around and the force of the blow against the side of the agent's head, threw both the unconscious form and chair over onto their sides. The hired killer didn't bother to pick them up; he left them both lying on the cold cement floor.
________________________________________
Chris quietly moved around the spacious townhouse and turned on the lights to stop the darkness that had begun to seep through the curtain-covered windows, but the false light wasn't enough, shadows still filled the corners of the room. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Nathan positioned himself in front of Josiah so he could check Ezra. It had been thirty minutes since he came out of his room, there hadn't been any change during that time, the tea that Buck had made sat on the table, and it was now cold and would be of no use to the Southerner. Vin and Buck also watched from the chairs that had been placed in a certain position so its occupants could watch the inert form in Josiah's arms.
Nathan looked into Ezra's staring eyes, he wasn't seeing them, and he was watching something else. He placed his large hand against the pale forehead, the colour of his own skin made the Southerner's flesh look ghostly. He felt Ezra lurch beneath him, his breath caught in his throat and he struggled to breathe for a moment. The ex-medic was about to order Josiah to lie him down but Ezra blinked then continued to breathe; the green eyes slowly began to focus on him.
"Ezra?" Nathan's voice was gentle but firm.
Ezra blinked and looked directly at Nathan, he blinked a second time when Chris' face came into focus as the dark clad form leaned down in front of him, and he tried to back away but felt the embrace that stopped him from escaping. He pushed against the chest that he was leaning on but the person held on, whoever it was wasn't going to let him go. He was too tired to fight them emotionally or physically so he forced himself to relax, the arms that held him took this as permission to increase their comforting hold, but it wasn't comfort that he felt. They wouldn't wait until he was ready to accept it, they were trying to force him into submission, and he wasn't going to allow that, if he were to allow their concern to help him it would be on his terms.
Chris was about to say something to his undercover agent but his mobile phone interrupted him, he silently cursed it but answered it anyway, he couldn't take the risk, and it may be something important. He stepped away from the couch and was unaware of Ezra's eyes following his every move.
"Larabee."
"Chris, it's JD, I've got something, and I wanted to tell you over the phone and not at the house." JD's voice was full of excitement.
Chris smiled. "What is it JD, did you find something?"
"Yeah, but Chris don't say anything until I'm finished." JD warned him then continued on. "The guy told Ezra that there was a second tap and that he'll call back in five minutes because he was going to need longer to get rid of it. Chris the guy was sure about it, there didn't seem to be any doubt in his voice, I listened to it a few times to make sure and I think I know why. He's bugged Ezra's house, he must have heard you tell us to tap the phone twice, and it also means he knows about the other ones in Ezra's clothes and the cars."
"So we have nothing then." Chris adlibbed and hoped that JD knew what he meant. His agent knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Not really, you see Buck and I put two taps on Ezra's car as well but the guy will think that there's only one." Chris knew that JD was grinning from ear to ear.
He couldn't understand why they felt the need to protect him, they were always of the opinion that he needed to be taken care of but what the team didn't understand was that if he didn't think JD was capable of doing his job he wouldn't be on the team. Everyone except Ezra that was. A smile crept onto Chris' face as an idea struck him. The Southerner treated JD as an equal, he never assumed that the younger agent wouldn't or couldn't do his job. And there was something else; Ezra would never lie to him like he would lie to the rest of them. But Chris knew that Ezra only lied to protect himself, to keep his emotions and fears from the other men, it was a form of protection for his undercover agent, they all knew this, and they didn't resent him for it but understood why he did it.
"JD, why don't you stay there, see if you can come up with something, I might stop in later." Chris told him.
"Will you be bringing Ezra?" The agent wasn't stupid either.
"Yeah. Call me if you get anything." Chris hung up and began to look around the apartment for some pen and paper.
Ezra continued to watch Chris as he moved about his apartment. He was confused and his mind was only starting to remember and understand what was happening. He knew he had been in a void, the last thing he remembered was sitting in his room talking to the man who had taken Lenny, his next memory was waking up to find Nathan staring at him, then the appearance of Chris' face had shocked him. His mind wanted to tick over, he needed to think of something, he had to get Chris to close the case, and to make sure that it's never to be re-opened. Once he rescued Lenny and got him to safety, he would go after Merchant.
He listened to the one sided conversation that Chris was having. He ignored Nathan's calls for him to answer him, he needed to think but he couldn't, his mind was in turmoil, for the first time in his life he was afraid he wasn't going to be able to talk his way out of this situation, his fear grew with the realisation that if he couldn't Lenny was going to die. He tried to move away when he saw Chris heading back to his previous position, he knelt down next to Nathan and now they were both trying to get his attention. He had to think.
"Ezra are you going to answer me." Nathan was becoming frustrated, he knew that Ezra had come out of his state of shock, the Southerner was ignoring him.
"Ezra, answer him." Josiah spoke into the undercover agent's ear.
It was Josiah’s warm breath on the side of his face that got his attention, a small sob escaped from his throat, he couldn't lose control, not now, Lenny needed him, his life depended on him, and he couldn't let him down.
"I didn't hear the question." Ezra whispered.
"That's okay Ezra, I didn't ask a question, I just wanted you to acknowledge me, and I needed to know that you're with us." Nathan explained.
"Ezra?" Chris spoke to him but his eyes were concentrating on something else. "You want to tell us what that guy said to you?" He put the lid back on the marker and lifted the notebook up.
Ezra didn't look at what Chris was holding; his eyes stared into the blue orbs that were watching him carefully. The stare disappeared behind a notebook that was lifted to break the eye contact, it took a moment for Ezra's eyes to adjust, the words and the meaning became clear to him. His house was bugged, someone had been listening in on what was happening; now he understood why that man knew he would do anything for Lenny, he had heard his reaction to his friend’s death, and he had experienced Ezra's emotional torment. Ezra frowned in thought, he had an idea. If they knew the apartment was bugged then they were going to think that anything he said had to be true. He watched as Chris passed the pad around, the expressions that the others showed matched his own.
"Ezra?" Chris sat on the floor in front of the couch and looked up into Ezra's face.
Ezra lifted his head to find Josiah hovering over him. "Let me go!"
"You’re alright where you are Ezra." Josiah soothed him.
"Josiah would you please LET ME GO!"
Josiah reluctantly allowed the Southerner to move away from him, Ezra gave him the impression of a cornered animal who was trying to find a way out of a situation that could result in his death, the smaller man crawled to the other side of the couch and curled himself up into a ball.
"He told me what he did to Lenny." Ezra wrapped his arms around his knees; he stared at the beige carpet and continued his lie. "Wanted me to know how he suffered . . .” he saw Josiah move towards him, he used his feet to try and get away from him, but he couldn't go any further, he quickly jumped to his feet so he could defend himself. "Don't come near me Josiah."
"Did he want anything from you Ezra?" Chris asked him as he moved closer to his undercover agent, he felt something nagging at the back of his mind but decided to ignore it for it now, and he could get back to it later.
Ezra looked at Chris; he shook his head telling him that the man didn't. "He just wanted me to know . . .”
"Do you want . . .” Chris started but changed the question; it wasn't going to have anything to do with wanting to talk about it because he was going to force the Southerner to let it go. "Tell me what he said Ezra."
"Why? So you can laugh about it later. So you can tell each other that it's what he deserved?" Ezra accused him.
"You know we wouldn't do that Ezra." Chris told him. "You know us better than that."
"That's what I thought before and look where it got me." Ezra looked at the floor so he didn't see Chris's reaction, he felt it.
Chris was furious, at himself for not being able to get through to his undercover agent, at the man who had killed Hoskins, and who was now causing Ezra to suffer along with his friend but he was also angry at Ezra. He quickly moved forward and grabbed Ezra's shoulders, he made sure he kept him close so he wouldn't be able to kick out at him. Chris pushed the smaller man backwards and kept going until he slammed him against the wall. He emotionally felt the physical pain that he caused his friend.
"Chris!" Buck tried to grab him but Chris pushed him away.
"I've had enough of your self-pity Ezra, this isn't our fault, you have no right to take this out on us, we're your friends and we're trying to help you get through this!" He continued to ignore the shock and flicker of fear that flashed in Ezra's eyes but he didn't ignore the anger that slowly grew in the emerald eyes. "You're the one that's making this hard on everyone, including yourself." He lifted his hand and placed it against Ezra's face.
"Will you please let us help you?" He didn't get an answer. "Are you going to ruin everything that Lenny did to keep this family together?"
"Yes." Ezra didn't hesitate, he needed to get away from them, and he wanted the man to know that these men won't help him.
"I'm not going to let you." Chris removed his arms and turned away from Ezra, he moved back to the couch and sat down, his eyes travelled over the message that he had written. He had to get Ezra out of here and away from the person who was trying to harm him. But he needed an excuse, one that Ezra or the person listening won't suspect.
The group of men who watched Chris' outburst didn't know where to look, their eyes saw the anger that Ezra was trying to keep in control, they saw the calm exterior that Chris' form held, he had his say, and it was now Ezra's turn.
"What are you going to do about the Merchant case?" Ezra asked. "I need something to do."
Ezra knew what Chris had already done. He didn't know whether Chris had been worried about him going under cover or if he didn't think that he would be able to pull it off, he was already beginning to doubt his undercover agent's abilities on this case, that's what Ezra saw every time he looked into Chris' eyes when he looked at him. Ezra felt a different sort of sadness come over him, his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. When was he going to accept the fact that these men did care, that they did trust him, they trusted him to do his job and back them up. Why was it so hard for him to believe that, why was he still pushing them away, why was he still hiding from them.
"I put a hold on the case." Chris used his arm to stop his men from going to Ezra. "You're not going back undercover, not when you’re in this state Ezra."
"You may as well close it while you’re at it." Ezra grimaced. "It's not like I was getting anywhere with it, I had no proof, the man was making me look like a fool."
Chris smiled, he knew it, and there was a reason behind all of this. The man wanted Ezra off the Merchant case; Ezra would never give up so easily. He knew that if he had to close the case he was going to have to order his agent to leave it alone, even then Ezra wouldn't have let him hear the end of it. Now they had a motive, and a who, he just had to prove it. He also had an excuse to get Ezra away from his townhouse so they could get him to talk.
"You want me to close it, why not, like you said you weren't doing your job anyway." Chris inwardly grimaced at the hurt that crossed Ezra's already pain filled expression. "We can go in the morning, do the paperwork if that's what you want."
"We do it now, and I'll put in my resignation while we're at it." Ezra pushed himself up off the floor, and made his way to his room.
Chris nodded at Vin to go with him.
"What the hell did you say that to him for?" Josiah was angry at the way Chris treated Ezra, the young agent didn't deserve it, he was hurting and the only way he knew how to deal with emotional pain was to lash out at the nearest person.
"I was only telling him what we've known all along." Chris smiled at him, but it was an expression that told Josiah he was up to something.
Josiah nodded at him, but there was still a look of doubt on his face.
Chris waited for Ezra to come out of his room; the agent was wearing the coat that had hung on the back of his door. He looked at Vin and pulled at his own coat, the movement told Vin to get one of Ezra's other jackets. He then stepped in front of Ezra and blocked his path.
"I'll drive and we're taking Buck's car." Chris watched as the anger continued to build in the Southerner. "I don't like the idea of you driving."
"Don't think I'm capable." Ezra raised an eyebrow and handed his car keys over to Chris.
"You know why Ezra, your too emotional."
"That's what I call a rarity." Buck tried to ease the tension between the two men.
"Shut up Buck." Ezra turned to him. "I'm not in the mood for your comments."
Ezra pushed passed Chris and headed towards the door.
"Buck, you, Nathan and Vin follow us in Ezra's Jag," he threw him the keys, "I want everyone watching
Ezra, I don't want him trying to get away from us." Chris went after Ezra, Josiah followed him.
________________________________________
Stephens lowered his forehead and allowed it to hit the table; he grimaced but refused to acknowledge the pain that it caused. Things were not going the way they were supposed to, he rolled his head to the side without lifting it and looked at the agent who was still lying on the floor in an unconscious state, the blood that flowed from his wound left a growing puddle on the floor next to him. The agent's breathing had become shallow, but he didn't care, he was going to die anyway, it didn't matter if it was sooner than later, Standish was still going to suffer either way.
He was becoming angry with himself, it wasn't Standish that he had underestimated, he was doing exactly what he expected him to do, it was Larabee that surprised him, and the man wouldn't leave his agent alone. Larabee had agreed to close the Merchant case but he was going to make it difficult for Standish to get away. A thought just struck him, he wasn't even sure if Standish had taken his mobile. He started to bang his head against the table. Things were not going the way they were supposed to.
________________________________________
Chris stepped off the elevator, he knew Ezra was hesitant in following him so he turned around and grabbed his undercover agent by the arm and pulled him out, he noticed that Josiah was also pushing Ezra towards the dark shadows that were beyond the elevator doors. Chris could see the anger that filled the southerner's eyes; something though was missing from the emerald stare that also showed his defiance. Chris frowned as things started to come together. He knew that there was something behind everything that was happening, something other than Lenny's death, the man had said more to Ezra than the Southerner was letting on because after his friend had come out the shock that had taken control of his mind and body. He was different, something was different and now Chris needed to find out what that was and he was going to use JD to get the information that was being held at a distance from the other men.
"Come on Ezra were not going to bite you." Chris told him as he continued to pull him along.
"You've already bitten me and you left the scars to prove it!" Ezra growled at him.
"Ezra." Chris stopped and pulled at Ezra, halting his forward momentum. "I only said what I did to get you out of your home so we could talk; I don't want that guy to hear what I have to say or what you’re going to say. I didn't mean any of it, you need to realise that I trust you to do your job, and to know that I don't blame you if we don't get anywhere with a case. You’re the best at what you do Ezra, there is no doubting that."
"It sounded like you meant it." Ezra looked at him suspiciously.
"Hell Ezra, even you should know I can LIE as well as you." He put some emphasis on the word lie to see if there was a reaction, there was but it was only slight, if he hadn't been concentrating he would have missed it. He was right, Ezra was lying, but the question was; What was he lying about and why.
"Josiah, could you take Ezra to my office, I'll go and find JD then meet you in there." Chris handed Ezra's right arm to Josiah, and walked away.
Chris could feel his undercover agent's eyes on him and he knew that his agent was preparing himself for whatever it was his boss had in mind but Chris knew that what he was going to do would take Ezra by surprise. He just hoped that Ezra was going to understand that it was for his own good, he needed the help that his friends were offering, he just wasn't ready to accept it, he still didn't fully trust them but Chris couldn't blame him for that. The leader of the seven was going to make sure that Ezra's acceptance was going to come sooner than they expected or he wanted. They knew that it was going to happen one day but only when Ezra realised that he's friends were there for him for the rest of his life, not just for a short period of time like other people had been, that they were going to be there for him in the same capacity that Lenny was; had been. maybe one of them could even take the deceased agent's place.
Ezra pulled his arm from Josiah's grip and walked towards the small kitchen, he needed some coffee, he also needed to delay what was about to happen, his mind was still full of confusion and torment, he had to get in control before Chris started asking his questions.
"Ezra . . .” Josiah went after him.
"I need some coffee Josiah, I haven't had anything since this morning, since . . . " He felt Josiah's hand on his shoulder. He shrugged him off, not understanding the older man's need to continuously touch him, to show his concern through his hands, the others either did it through the use of the English language or silence, but he was yet to decide which one was worse.
"You think you could eat something?" Josiah asked him from the doorway.
"No."
Josiah leant his large physique against the doorframe and watched Ezra's movements, he noticed that the smaller man's hands still shook slightly, his eyes weren't watching what he was doing, and he heard the muttered oath when the hot water from the urn splashed onto his hand. Josiah looked at the floor and shook his head; he could never understand why Ezra had to be so stubborn.
"Something wrong Mr Sanchez?" Ezra had turned to see the ex-missionary shaking his head; he knew the movement was directed at him.
"Only you Ezra. Why won't you let us help you?"
"No one has asked if they could help, you've just assumed that I wouldn't accept it so you decided to try and force me to accept it. I won't have that." Ezra tried to push past him but he felt Josiah's large hand on his chest.
"Ezra. Can we help?" Josiah asked him.
Josiah was surprised by the faint smile that crossed Ezra's handsome features, the simple question and the fact that he had asked seemed to break another piece of the Southerner's wall off.
"I'll think about it Josiah." Ezra walked away but again felt Josiah's arm, the larger man had grabbed him before he could get away and changed his direction and pushed him towards Chris' office.
Ezra entered Chris' office with his mind thinking about what he had just said to Josiah. Did he really want their help? He had thought about what they had been doing for him since that morning; they showed their concern. He was told that he wasn't going to be left alone, that they were going to be there for him for as long as it took, they didn't really ask him if they could help, they assumed that he wouldn't accept it and they were right, and knowing this they had tried to force their help on him. Maybe he should finally trust them, if they didn't want to do it they would have left him alone by now; this was what a family was all about. You helped each other and you accepted that help. He had to stop hiding from them, to stop pushing them away. But most of all, he couldn't do this on his own, even with the knowledge that Lenny was still alive, he couldn't pull himself together, he couldn't think straight and if he went after this guy without their help then he would only get Lenny and himself killed. He made a decision, he was going to let them help, if things worked out then maybe he could also finally trust them.
________________________________________
"I don't know about this Chris, it isn't fair on Ezra." JD argued.
"It's the only way JD, he won't blame you, and he’ll know it's my idea and that you didn't have a choice." The last words were whispered because they were too close to his office; he didn't want Ezra to hear them. "Just do what I told you, once he starts telling us then you can move aside and I'll do the talking." He put his hand on his youngest agent's shoulder. "It's for the best JD, this is going to help Ezra."
JD nodded and followed his boss into his office, his eyes drifted from the back of Ezra's head to the concerned features of Josiah's face. His gaze moved back to Ezra as he passed him, his friend didn't look at him, his eyes were downcast and they stayed that way. He looked up at Chris who had taken up his usual position in his chair behind his desk, the darkly dressed man nodded to him. JD sat on the corner of the desk so he was in front of Ezra, the Southerner lifted his head and looked at him, and JD didn't like what he saw in those green eyes. He took his courage in his hands and reminded himself that this was for Ezra's benefit.
"Ezra, what did that man say to you?" JD first saw confusion then anger, he flinched back from him but felt Chris' hand on his back. "Tell me and I want the truth."
"You think that I won't lie to JD. Is that it Mr Larabee?" Ezra looked around the young man and looked into the blue eyes that seemed to be hiding their owner's smugness.
"Something like that Ezra." Chris smiled but there wasn't any humour in it. "I know your lying to me, I know that there's something else and I will do anything I can to force you to allow us to help you."
"And what if I say nothing at all?" Ezra raised an eyebrow and his tongue flicked out over his bottom lip.
"Then we'll be here all night." Chris assured him.
Ezra turned to Josiah, he could see the concern, the man was also worried, he was concerned and worried about him, and Ezra took comfort in that.
"Josiah, I've decided to let you help me."
"You have . . .” Josiah was shocked, how could the simple question work when nothing else did. "I mean . . .”
"Lenny's not dead." Ezra quickly moved forward and grabbed JD when he nearly fell off the desk, the young agent's reaction mirrored what was on Chris and Josiah's faces.
"Ezra, you said that . . . " Chris began, he thought that the emotions that Ezra tried to keep shut away had finally done their damage, Ezra had broken down.
"I spoke to him on the phone, the man told me he wasn't dead, I asked for proof and he put Lenny on." Ezra explained to the shocked faces.
"What?" Buck growled when he entered the office, he had heard enough to tell him what was going on.
"Why the hell didn't you tell us?"
Vin and Nathan followed Buck into the room, they hadn't heard what Ezra had said so Buck's outburst confused them, they didn't say anything but made their way further into the office so they could listen and learn about what was going on.
"I'm telling you now." Ezra looked down at his hands, he didn't like Buck's tone of voice. "Maybe I was mistaken, maybe I should have kept it to myself."
Buck saw the look of anger that was thrown at him from the other men in the room, he knelt down next to Ezra, the expression that the agent held told him that he had just broken any trust that he had in him. "Ezra, why didn't you tell us? Why wouldn't you let us help you with this?" His tone was calm, the sincerity was in his voice.
Ezra looked from his hands to the man beside him. "You know why Buck, it's the way I am. I can't and won't accept help from anyone, I've always had to deal with things on my own, I still want to deal with this on my own but I can't control what I'm feeling, I can't trust myself to do this, I need help, if I don't accept it I'm only going to get Lenny killed." He turned away from him and wiped at the dampness in his eyes before the tears fell. "I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I don't know what I'm doing or thinking, I can't even stop my hands from shaking."
"It's okay Ezra, you can't be in control during something like this." Chris told him as he got up from his chair, he made his way around his desk and sat down in the chair next to Ezra. "I'm glad you finally trust us enough to let us help."
"It's not that I trust you Chris, it's because I don't have any other choice." Ezra was apologetic, he wanted to trust them but he couldn't, what happened before kept him from doing that. He knew he was part of the family that he had been dragged into it and he accepted that. But the complete trust that should be there was still lacking. It was his own fault, he was the reason for that lack of trust, he was yet to accept them at face value, he still expected to walk into his office to find that he was being transferred because they could no longer tolerate him, that he had finally pushed them too far. "I still expect . . . " He allowed his head to fall.
"You still expect what Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"I still expect you to give up on me, to not be there for me anymore. To leave me alone like everyone else has, everyone except Lenny. That you will allow me to push you away." Ezra felt an arm wrap itself around him, he didn't look at who it was.
"You can't push us away Ezra." Chris told him as he put his arm around his young agent. He knew that he was in a vulnerable situation emotionally and it was the only reason why he was telling them how he felt, once he was back in control he wouldn't allow them to see this side of him, he would shut his feelings away like he always did. Chris wasn't going to wait for that to happen, he was going to take the opportunity that Ezra had just opened up for them. "We're your family now and we're here to stay, there's nothing you can do to get rid of us."
"I wish I could believe that Chris but too many people have told me the same thing, they didn't hang around. That's why it's too hard for me to get close to people, they leave me, and I decided that I wasn't going to allow that to happen again."
"I give you my word Ezra." Chris gave him a brotherly hug. "I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry Chris, but I'll believe it when it happens or doesn't happen."
"I'll remind you of this moment in twenty years time Ezra, then you can eat your words." Chris smiled at him.
"I'll bring the salt." Buck added. "We should have gotten this on tape, Ezra ain't ever going to admit that he said any of this."
"Said any of what?" Ezra smiled weakly, these men truly were his friends, and he had to force himself to accept that.
"What did I tell you." Buck slapped his arm then stood up.
"Ezra." Chris got his attention. "Now that we have your denial in regards to what you just said, how about you tell us what's going on."
"He wants the Merchant case closed in a way that it can't be reopened." Ezra told Chris, he still felt the arm around his shoulders, his friend wasn't going to let go. "Said that he wanted proof that it had been done, he's given me twelve hours to do it, then he's going to call me and arrange a meet to swap the proof for Lenny."
"Why the Merchant case, the guy would have to know that we didn't have anything on him and how did he know that Ezra was with the ATF?" Josiah had taken JD's place on the desk. He wanted to be close to Ezra in the same way he had been all evening. The young man was still going to break down at some point, just because Lenny was alive, didn't mean that everything that he had felt so far wasn't going to become too much for him, he had even admitted that he couldn't get his usual control back.
"I don't know." Ezra answered.
"How did Lenny sound? Was he okay?" Nathan wanted to know.
Ezra looked up at him then looked away, the worry on Nathan's face was for Lenny and that scared him, he tried not to think that Lenny may have been hurt, he couldn't think of that.
"He sounded . . . alright." Ezra fought to keep the small amount of control that he had.
"Good, if he sounded alright then he was alright, which meant that he wasn't hurt Ezra." Nathan tried to assure him, he only received a small nod from the Southerner, he chastised himself for bringing it up, Ezra was worried enough as it was and he had just made it worse for him.
"Why did he want to make you think that Lenny was dead?" Buck asked him, he also hadn't moved from his position next to the undercover agent.
"He said that if he just threatened him that I would tell Chris, then you would help me even without my consent, he thought that if I experienced Lenny's death that I would do anything to keep him alive, that I wouldn't tell you. But I can't do this on my own, I'll only get him killed, I've already done enough. One person has already died and I don't even know who he was, what if he was an innocent bystander that just looked like Lenny, it would mean that an innocent man died because of me."
"It's not your fault Ezra, it can't be your fault, and I won't let you blame yourself." Chris told him.
"But this is being done because of me." Ezra turned his face towards his boss. "That man died and Lenny's suffering because of me."
"No one is taking the blame, it's happened, there's nothing we can do about that but we can get Lenny out of it. He's our priority right now." Chris growled at his agent. "Ezra is there anything else we should know?"
Ezra shook his head. "I won't know anything else until he calls in the morning."
"Now I'll tell you what we're going to do. When he calls in the morning he's going to want you to remove the bug from your car but . . . "
"You bugged my car?" Ezra raised an eyebrow, he couldn't help but smile at their determination.
"Twice." JD smiled at him.
"And my car, just in case you took it." Chris explained. "Also the coat you’re wearing and the one you were wearing earlier."
"If my mother pushed as much as you guys did, I would be living in Europe right now." Ezra smiled at the men in the room.
"She's not getting any lessons from us." Chris stated seriously then continued with what he was saying.
"Now with that bug, I want you to remove it, we can't take the chance that someone may be watching you as well as listening, we'll use the second bug on the car to follow you, once you’re in and we know the situation then we'll come in after you." His undercover agent stayed quite but he nodded so Chris would know that he was listening. "We'll get Lenny back for you Ezra, you have my word on that."
Chris watched him for a moment, he knew he was fighting to keep from breaking down, his tremors had become worse and he's whole body was visibly shaking.
"Josiah, can you take Ezra into the conference room, there's a lounge in there." He looked at Ezra's confused expression. "I want you to get some rest Ezra, I need to phone the Judge and Agent Thompson, let them know what's going on, then I'll actually close the case and get some sort of proof for you, then we'll take you home. But it might take a couple of hours, so you get as much rest as you can, okay."
Ezra answered him by standing up, he allowed Josiah to lead him out of the room, he couldn't stop thinking about Lenny, Nathan's words had reminded him that he may have already been hurt, what if the man killed him after he spoke to him, he wouldn't have needed Lenny anymore, and he could have done anything to him. Ezra was scared, he didn't want to go through Lenny's death again but he didn't want Lenny to go through it, he didn't want him to die, he was beginning to feel selfish, he was thinking of what Lenny's death would do to him.
Josiah kept glancing sideways at Ezra, he knew that the breakdown was getting close, the green eyes were becoming unfocused, he was pale and his body was shaking, he was going to lose the little amount of control that he had. He knew that was why Chris had him take him somewhere private, it would give Ezra a chance to let his feelings go and it would also be easier for him to do it if only one of them was with him.
Ezra sat down on the couch and winced when Josiah sat down next to him. "Josiah . . . " Ezra started but he stopped when he didn't think that the older man would understand.
"You can tell me anything Ezra." Josiah knew that Ezra wasn't confident when it came to talking about his feelings.
"Is it wrong for me to be scared about having to go through it all again?" Ezra wouldn't look at the man next to him.
"Ezra, look at me." When he didn't he used his hand to turn the Southerner's face so he could look into his eyes. "No it isn't, you already know what it feels like, and you have every right to be scared."
"Even if it means I'm more worried about what I would feel rather than the fact that Lenny would be dead?"
"Ezra we saw what you went through, it's understandable that you feel that way." Josiah told him. "You're not being selfish Ezra if that's what you’re thinking."
"Three times already Josiah. Up at the cabin when I watched him being gunned down. I died with him, I'd never felt like that before and I didn't want to feel like it again and now two months afterwards I did but this time it was worse, then when Chris told me that he wasn't dead only to find out that he was . . . " The tears finally fell from his eyes. "I can't go through it again, I don't want to go through it again Josiah."
"You won't have to Ezra." He took the younger man in his arms and comforted him while the emotions took control. "We'll get Lenny back safe."
"But if not now . . . then later . . . I can't."
"Ezra when this is over I want you to talk to Chris, he knows what you’re going through, he understands better than the rest of us, he won't be able to make it any easier for you but maybe he can help you accept it."
Josiah could feel the shudders that wracked the Southerner's body. He looked up when he saw movement coming from the doorway, he saw Buck standing there with a blanket. He shook his head at him, the gesture told him not to come in, he watched as Buck put the blanket on the ground where he was then walk away.
"I want to . . . push him . . . away." Ezra admitted through the tears.
"Lenny?" They would not allow that. He felt Ezra nod against his shoulder. "No Ezra, you can't do that, how do you think Lenny would cope if you did that, you know he won't accept it and we won't let you do it." He began to rub the back of Ezra's head, he hadn't realised had badly this had affected him. He understood the emotions he went through, the shock that he had suffered when he found out that he was alive, and now the fear of losing him all over again but he couldn't understand the need to end their ten-year friendship. Ezra must be terrified.
"But I can't deal . . . with this."
"Not now, but when Lenny's okay you will, you can't end your friendship with him Ezra."
"I have . . . to." Ezra felt his eyes becoming heavy, he couldn't understand why, he'd slept most of the day.
The rocking movement that Josiah was doing and the touch on the back of his head wasn't helping, he felt a growing comfort that he'd only felt with Lenny.
"I won't let you Ezra." Josiah warned him.
When a silence fell over the man, he was holding he looked down into the tear stained face, Ezra had fallen asleep. He carefully laid him down on the couch and wiped the tears from his face. When he went to the doorway to get the blanket that Buck had left he saw the others, they had been listening to what Ezra was saying, he could see the worry and concern on their faces, there was also understanding. But Chris wasn't with them, he was going to have to talk to him, get him to talk to Ezra, it could also be a way for Chris to deal with what he was feeling. He knew that Chris had also been struggling to cope with his past but now he had something to do, a person that he could go after, he could get revenge for what Ezra and Lenny had been put through but that revenge would do nothing to help him cope with his own hatred.
Josiah turned away from them and went back towards the couch, he could feel the others following him back into the room. He ignored them for now, he placed the blanket over the sleeping agent then carefully lifted his head so he could place a small cushion under his head so he would be more comfortable. He then grabbed one of the chairs that surrounded the conference table and pulled it closer to the couch. He knew that Ezra couldn't be left alone, he needed them and he had admitted it, even if he said that he had no choice, it was a way of making it easier for him to admit it. Josiah didn't fail to notice the other four men gather around the couch, they were thinking the same thing, they couldn't leave their friend alone when he needed them most.
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Chris walked into the conference room and smiled at the scene before him, Ezra was sleeping on the couch and he was surrounded by five men, five men who cared. He moved forward and sat on the arm support of the couch and looked down at Ezra's slack profile, he spoke to Josiah without taking his eyes away from the inert form.
"How's he doing Josiah?"
"Not good, you’re going to have to talk to him Chris, he's so terrified of loosing Lenny again that he wants to end the friendship." Josiah informed him.
"He what?" Chris was shocked.
"He doesn't want to go through this again and I think that he believes if he was no longer friends with him that he won't." Josiah leaned forward and tucked the blanket closer around Ezra's shoulders. "He's says he can't do it again Chris and can you really blame him."
"No I can't." Chris understood better than Josiah thought, but then maybe Josiah did, he had wanted him to talk to Ezra.
Chris had felt the same way after his family had died. He was afraid to allow people to get close to him again, afraid of losing them. Even now with his new family he feared for their lives every time they underwent a new operation but what none of them new was that it was Ezra's life that he feared losing the most, he was the one that took the risks and also the unnecessary risks required to catch the men that they were after. Most of the time he went undercover alone, it was the only way, they backed him up of course but the thought of losing him or one of the others terrified him. On the occasions when one of them was injured and were close to death he had considered leaving the team so he no longer had to worry about them but it was the good times that they spent together that kept him in the tight knit group of men. The good times made the bad times bearable.
"I'll talk to him when this is over." Chris told him. "Can you wake him up, we'll need to get him home, and we don't want this guy getting suspicious." He looked at the others. "Why don't you guys get going, we'll meet you back at Ezra's."
Josiah waited until they left then looked up at Chris. "Is that the way you felt after Sarah and Adam died?"
"Yes, still do sometimes Josiah, it's still a struggle to stay around people that you care about, especially when the type of work they do is dangerous."
Josiah nodded, he stood up over Ezra but instead of waking him he lifted him up into his arms, the Southerner didn't stir. "We may as well let him keep sleeping."
Chris smiled in agreement, he looked at Ezra as he stood up, he looked peaceful, his mind and body were free of the emotions that he'd been feeling, and it was a good idea to keep him in that painless void for as long as they could.
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Ezra pulled his heavy eyelids open. He groaned at the darkness that surrounded him, this meant that it was still early, he looked at the bedside table and hoped that the glowing red digits told him that he didn't have to get up, but there was nothing to see, he remembered that he had thrown it against the wall the day before. He was going to have to physically find out what ungodly hour it was. He threw his arm out trying to find the lamp's light switch without actually having to get up. His hand missed it by mere inches, he muttered a soft curse then pushed himself up into a sitting position, and he reached over and turned the lamp on.
He hadn't prepared himself for the brightness of the false light and instantly closed his eyes against the glare. Ezra fell back onto the pillows and covered his eyes with his forearm, he thought he heard a whispered voice but decided to ignore it, he didn't wake so he could talk to someone about what was going on. If he got into an emotional discussion about Lenny, he would lose the control that he finally began to get back. It was only slight but it was a start and unless something made him take a step backwards then he would continue to take the small steps forward that were required to gain full control of his emotions.
But everything was becoming a blur, his memory was filling up with large potholes, he had absolutely no knowledge of what had happened after he cried in Josiah's arms. He felt the heat fill his face at the memory, he was embarrassed by the outpour of emotions but Josiah seemed to have understood, he gave him the comfort that he needed at the time and he himself didn't refuse it like he had been trying to do all evening. He must have fallen asleep afterwards, which meant they would have carried him like a child to the car, then to his room once they got him back to the apartment, he groaned at the thought. These men were beginning to get too close, but was that a bad thing, he was beginning to think that it wasn't. They were what he needed. He wouldn't have coped with Lenny's death if they hadn't been there for him and without them, he wouldn't be able to get him back.
He removed the arm that was protecting his eyes from the light and turned sideways, he looked into Chris' smiling face. Why was he smiling, under the circumstances his mood should be melancholy like his own. But behind the smile, there was an emotional torment that he could make out, Chris was trying to hide it but he could see it. He wasn't going to get into it with him now though, he would do like Josiah said and talk to him after all this was over. He had never realised what this was doing to Chris, he didn't think of the past that would have been brought to the forefront of his mind. He would be reliving his own nightmare, Josiah was right, Chris understood what he was going through, and he shouldn't have tried so hard to push him away. He returned the smile.
"It's three thirty Ezra." Chris told him, he had sensed what the Southerner was trying to do.
"Uh huh." Ezra muttered.
"You want the light back off?" Chris continued to smile, he felt relieved when Ezra had smiled back, and it meant he was feeling better, he was getting back in control of the haunting emotions that wouldn't give him any relief the day before.
"Uh huh." Ezra was never one for words before ten am unless it was absolutely necessary.
"Go back to sleep Ezra." Chris leaned forward and turned the light off.
Chris had already gone through this procedure four times since they had returned to the townhouse. Ezra had not uttered a sound since Josiah lifted him off the couch in the conference room of the ATF building. They had laid the smaller man down on the back seat of Buck's car and Josiah had stayed with him, the gentle movement of the car seemed to have put him into an even deeper sleep but as soon as he was placed in his own bed, his sleep became restless. The undercover agent continued to wake up.
Ezra rolled over onto his side and was asleep again within minutes.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
Master Fan Fiction List
Rating: PG
Warnings: Strong Language, violence and drug use.
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
AU: ATF
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest.
Summary: When Ezra is informed of the death of a friend, he finds out that there is an ulterior motive behind it.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Notes: This story takes place two months after 'The Betrayal' and refers to that story. Lenny Hoskins is my creation.
Spoilers: None
Status: Complete
Total Word Count: 37,801
Ezra opened the door of his room, he stepped out through the doorway and bumped into Josiah, he hadn't seen him standing there; he moved around the taller man without looking at him and walked into the living room. He didn't register the lone tear that fell from his right eye; it left a line of moisture for his friends to see. He walked between the three men who were staring opened mouthed at him, and sat down on the lounge, he heard their voices but couldn't make out the words.
Ezra had been able to keep his emotions in control after the revelation that Lenny was still alive, he'd managed to stay calm during the conversation, he had even become angry, but now he had lost it completely. The emotions burst through the wall that he'd built and were now running out of control. Each time he tried to grab them and force them back behind his wall they would slip through his grasp and then rebel against their attempted capture, they became even stronger and forced the mind and body to go into shock.
His hands were shaking, someone took the phone from him, they had to pry his fingers open to get to it, another hand was on his shoulder, it shook him but he didn't acknowledge it. He didn't want to. His mind seemed to be covered by a heavy fog of confusion and emotional torment; it caused him to become oblivious to everything around him. But his inner thoughts continued to find their way to his consciousness. First Lenny was dead, then he was alive, then dead again and now he had proof that he was alive.
They were both having one hell of a day, for him it was an emotional rollercoaster ride through hell and he had no idea what Lenny was going through. How long was he going to be alive for this time? It was his own entire fault, the man wanted to get to him and he used Lenny to do it. Lenny had said that he was okay but that didn't mean that something had happened to him physically, he was capable of lying to him if he thought it was absolutely necessary to protect him.
"Ezra!" Chris shouted into his ear, the undercover agent didn't respond to him. "What the hell is wrong with him Nathan?"
"Shock, but it's worse this time." Nathan told them, he moved towards Ezra and knelt down in front of him, he used his gentle fingers to check his pulse and pupils. "Buck could you make some of that tea that Ezra drinks put enough sugar in it to make it sweet."
"Jesus, what did that guy say to him?" Chris wanted to know. He tried to remove the phone from Ezra's hand but the Southerner's grip was tight, his knuckles were turning white.
"Shouldn't you be taking him to a hospital if it's that bad?" Josiah came forward and sat down next to Ezra.
"I'll give him an hour, if he doesn't snap out of it, we'll take him in." Nathan agreed.
Josiah took Ezra's chin and turned his head so he could look into his eyes, they were glazed over. "Ezra?" He watched as another tear fell from the Southerner's moist filled eyes. "Ezra." Josiah took the trembling man into his large embrace; he guided his head towards his shoulder then held onto him as tightly as he could without hurting him. He could feel the tremors that wracked his friend's body, but the tears had stopped, they wouldn't flow. His emotions seemed to have taken control but were not releasing themselves from their owner; they apparently wanted his torture to continue.
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"For someone who makes a living of being in control he's not doing so well." Stephens turned to smile at Lenny. "Is he."
"You know nothing about him." Lenny glared back at the ugly smile.
"I know what I need to know. He won't involve the others, you'll die, he'll die and his friends won't be any the wiser as to who arranged it."
"They'll put it together, Merchant was involved in my case, there's a coincidence, and you know they've already found it." It was Lenny's turn to smile. "They're going to go after Merchant, if he'd just left it alone he would have been safe, there was no evidence on the guy, he's dug his own grave by hiring you."
Stephens picked up the small metal rod that lay in front of the speakers, he stood up and made sure the FBI agent didn't see it, he took the three steps needed to place him in front of his prisoner.
"Are you saying I'm stupid? That I don't know what I'm doing?" He growled down at him.
"Take it anyway you want. A smart person wouldn't be going to all this trouble, your leaving loose ends, what about the bugs you put in Ezra's apartment, they’re not going to stay hidden for too much longer. When Ezra gets his control back, he'll get the better of you, you’re under estimating him, and he’s a lot smarter than you think." Lenny's smile grew; he had to distract himself from the sound of his friend's emotional torment. The Southerner's silence was tearing him apart. "And from what you've heard, Larabee and the others are going to take care of him, they won't let him die."
"But they won't be following him." Stephens didn't like the way this conversation was going. "They won't know what he's doing."
Lenny shrugged. "Even if you did manage to kill Ezra, which I know won't happen, they won't let it rest until they find the person who killed him, and when they find him that man will suffer. And we know who that man is, don't we." Lenny knew he had managed to put some doubt into the man's mind, he won't be so confident anymore.
"We'll just wait and see, I'm the one with the upper hand, I'm going to know what they're going to do, and I'll be ready for them. Your friend will die but only after he watches you die, and you know what that will do to him." Stephens didn't wait for Lenny's reaction, he swung his arm around and the force of the blow against the side of the agent's head, threw both the unconscious form and chair over onto their sides. The hired killer didn't bother to pick them up; he left them both lying on the cold cement floor.
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Chris quietly moved around the spacious townhouse and turned on the lights to stop the darkness that had begun to seep through the curtain-covered windows, but the false light wasn't enough, shadows still filled the corners of the room. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Nathan positioned himself in front of Josiah so he could check Ezra. It had been thirty minutes since he came out of his room, there hadn't been any change during that time, the tea that Buck had made sat on the table, and it was now cold and would be of no use to the Southerner. Vin and Buck also watched from the chairs that had been placed in a certain position so its occupants could watch the inert form in Josiah's arms.
Nathan looked into Ezra's staring eyes, he wasn't seeing them, and he was watching something else. He placed his large hand against the pale forehead, the colour of his own skin made the Southerner's flesh look ghostly. He felt Ezra lurch beneath him, his breath caught in his throat and he struggled to breathe for a moment. The ex-medic was about to order Josiah to lie him down but Ezra blinked then continued to breathe; the green eyes slowly began to focus on him.
"Ezra?" Nathan's voice was gentle but firm.
Ezra blinked and looked directly at Nathan, he blinked a second time when Chris' face came into focus as the dark clad form leaned down in front of him, and he tried to back away but felt the embrace that stopped him from escaping. He pushed against the chest that he was leaning on but the person held on, whoever it was wasn't going to let him go. He was too tired to fight them emotionally or physically so he forced himself to relax, the arms that held him took this as permission to increase their comforting hold, but it wasn't comfort that he felt. They wouldn't wait until he was ready to accept it, they were trying to force him into submission, and he wasn't going to allow that, if he were to allow their concern to help him it would be on his terms.
Chris was about to say something to his undercover agent but his mobile phone interrupted him, he silently cursed it but answered it anyway, he couldn't take the risk, and it may be something important. He stepped away from the couch and was unaware of Ezra's eyes following his every move.
"Larabee."
"Chris, it's JD, I've got something, and I wanted to tell you over the phone and not at the house." JD's voice was full of excitement.
Chris smiled. "What is it JD, did you find something?"
"Yeah, but Chris don't say anything until I'm finished." JD warned him then continued on. "The guy told Ezra that there was a second tap and that he'll call back in five minutes because he was going to need longer to get rid of it. Chris the guy was sure about it, there didn't seem to be any doubt in his voice, I listened to it a few times to make sure and I think I know why. He's bugged Ezra's house, he must have heard you tell us to tap the phone twice, and it also means he knows about the other ones in Ezra's clothes and the cars."
"So we have nothing then." Chris adlibbed and hoped that JD knew what he meant. His agent knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Not really, you see Buck and I put two taps on Ezra's car as well but the guy will think that there's only one." Chris knew that JD was grinning from ear to ear.
He couldn't understand why they felt the need to protect him, they were always of the opinion that he needed to be taken care of but what the team didn't understand was that if he didn't think JD was capable of doing his job he wouldn't be on the team. Everyone except Ezra that was. A smile crept onto Chris' face as an idea struck him. The Southerner treated JD as an equal, he never assumed that the younger agent wouldn't or couldn't do his job. And there was something else; Ezra would never lie to him like he would lie to the rest of them. But Chris knew that Ezra only lied to protect himself, to keep his emotions and fears from the other men, it was a form of protection for his undercover agent, they all knew this, and they didn't resent him for it but understood why he did it.
"JD, why don't you stay there, see if you can come up with something, I might stop in later." Chris told him.
"Will you be bringing Ezra?" The agent wasn't stupid either.
"Yeah. Call me if you get anything." Chris hung up and began to look around the apartment for some pen and paper.
Ezra continued to watch Chris as he moved about his apartment. He was confused and his mind was only starting to remember and understand what was happening. He knew he had been in a void, the last thing he remembered was sitting in his room talking to the man who had taken Lenny, his next memory was waking up to find Nathan staring at him, then the appearance of Chris' face had shocked him. His mind wanted to tick over, he needed to think of something, he had to get Chris to close the case, and to make sure that it's never to be re-opened. Once he rescued Lenny and got him to safety, he would go after Merchant.
He listened to the one sided conversation that Chris was having. He ignored Nathan's calls for him to answer him, he needed to think but he couldn't, his mind was in turmoil, for the first time in his life he was afraid he wasn't going to be able to talk his way out of this situation, his fear grew with the realisation that if he couldn't Lenny was going to die. He tried to move away when he saw Chris heading back to his previous position, he knelt down next to Nathan and now they were both trying to get his attention. He had to think.
"Ezra are you going to answer me." Nathan was becoming frustrated, he knew that Ezra had come out of his state of shock, the Southerner was ignoring him.
"Ezra, answer him." Josiah spoke into the undercover agent's ear.
It was Josiah’s warm breath on the side of his face that got his attention, a small sob escaped from his throat, he couldn't lose control, not now, Lenny needed him, his life depended on him, and he couldn't let him down.
"I didn't hear the question." Ezra whispered.
"That's okay Ezra, I didn't ask a question, I just wanted you to acknowledge me, and I needed to know that you're with us." Nathan explained.
"Ezra?" Chris spoke to him but his eyes were concentrating on something else. "You want to tell us what that guy said to you?" He put the lid back on the marker and lifted the notebook up.
Ezra didn't look at what Chris was holding; his eyes stared into the blue orbs that were watching him carefully. The stare disappeared behind a notebook that was lifted to break the eye contact, it took a moment for Ezra's eyes to adjust, the words and the meaning became clear to him. His house was bugged, someone had been listening in on what was happening; now he understood why that man knew he would do anything for Lenny, he had heard his reaction to his friend’s death, and he had experienced Ezra's emotional torment. Ezra frowned in thought, he had an idea. If they knew the apartment was bugged then they were going to think that anything he said had to be true. He watched as Chris passed the pad around, the expressions that the others showed matched his own.
"Ezra?" Chris sat on the floor in front of the couch and looked up into Ezra's face.
Ezra lifted his head to find Josiah hovering over him. "Let me go!"
"You’re alright where you are Ezra." Josiah soothed him.
"Josiah would you please LET ME GO!"
Josiah reluctantly allowed the Southerner to move away from him, Ezra gave him the impression of a cornered animal who was trying to find a way out of a situation that could result in his death, the smaller man crawled to the other side of the couch and curled himself up into a ball.
"He told me what he did to Lenny." Ezra wrapped his arms around his knees; he stared at the beige carpet and continued his lie. "Wanted me to know how he suffered . . .” he saw Josiah move towards him, he used his feet to try and get away from him, but he couldn't go any further, he quickly jumped to his feet so he could defend himself. "Don't come near me Josiah."
"Did he want anything from you Ezra?" Chris asked him as he moved closer to his undercover agent, he felt something nagging at the back of his mind but decided to ignore it for it now, and he could get back to it later.
Ezra looked at Chris; he shook his head telling him that the man didn't. "He just wanted me to know . . .”
"Do you want . . .” Chris started but changed the question; it wasn't going to have anything to do with wanting to talk about it because he was going to force the Southerner to let it go. "Tell me what he said Ezra."
"Why? So you can laugh about it later. So you can tell each other that it's what he deserved?" Ezra accused him.
"You know we wouldn't do that Ezra." Chris told him. "You know us better than that."
"That's what I thought before and look where it got me." Ezra looked at the floor so he didn't see Chris's reaction, he felt it.
Chris was furious, at himself for not being able to get through to his undercover agent, at the man who had killed Hoskins, and who was now causing Ezra to suffer along with his friend but he was also angry at Ezra. He quickly moved forward and grabbed Ezra's shoulders, he made sure he kept him close so he wouldn't be able to kick out at him. Chris pushed the smaller man backwards and kept going until he slammed him against the wall. He emotionally felt the physical pain that he caused his friend.
"Chris!" Buck tried to grab him but Chris pushed him away.
"I've had enough of your self-pity Ezra, this isn't our fault, you have no right to take this out on us, we're your friends and we're trying to help you get through this!" He continued to ignore the shock and flicker of fear that flashed in Ezra's eyes but he didn't ignore the anger that slowly grew in the emerald eyes. "You're the one that's making this hard on everyone, including yourself." He lifted his hand and placed it against Ezra's face.
"Will you please let us help you?" He didn't get an answer. "Are you going to ruin everything that Lenny did to keep this family together?"
"Yes." Ezra didn't hesitate, he needed to get away from them, and he wanted the man to know that these men won't help him.
"I'm not going to let you." Chris removed his arms and turned away from Ezra, he moved back to the couch and sat down, his eyes travelled over the message that he had written. He had to get Ezra out of here and away from the person who was trying to harm him. But he needed an excuse, one that Ezra or the person listening won't suspect.
The group of men who watched Chris' outburst didn't know where to look, their eyes saw the anger that Ezra was trying to keep in control, they saw the calm exterior that Chris' form held, he had his say, and it was now Ezra's turn.
"What are you going to do about the Merchant case?" Ezra asked. "I need something to do."
Ezra knew what Chris had already done. He didn't know whether Chris had been worried about him going under cover or if he didn't think that he would be able to pull it off, he was already beginning to doubt his undercover agent's abilities on this case, that's what Ezra saw every time he looked into Chris' eyes when he looked at him. Ezra felt a different sort of sadness come over him, his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. When was he going to accept the fact that these men did care, that they did trust him, they trusted him to do his job and back them up. Why was it so hard for him to believe that, why was he still pushing them away, why was he still hiding from them.
"I put a hold on the case." Chris used his arm to stop his men from going to Ezra. "You're not going back undercover, not when you’re in this state Ezra."
"You may as well close it while you’re at it." Ezra grimaced. "It's not like I was getting anywhere with it, I had no proof, the man was making me look like a fool."
Chris smiled, he knew it, and there was a reason behind all of this. The man wanted Ezra off the Merchant case; Ezra would never give up so easily. He knew that if he had to close the case he was going to have to order his agent to leave it alone, even then Ezra wouldn't have let him hear the end of it. Now they had a motive, and a who, he just had to prove it. He also had an excuse to get Ezra away from his townhouse so they could get him to talk.
"You want me to close it, why not, like you said you weren't doing your job anyway." Chris inwardly grimaced at the hurt that crossed Ezra's already pain filled expression. "We can go in the morning, do the paperwork if that's what you want."
"We do it now, and I'll put in my resignation while we're at it." Ezra pushed himself up off the floor, and made his way to his room.
Chris nodded at Vin to go with him.
"What the hell did you say that to him for?" Josiah was angry at the way Chris treated Ezra, the young agent didn't deserve it, he was hurting and the only way he knew how to deal with emotional pain was to lash out at the nearest person.
"I was only telling him what we've known all along." Chris smiled at him, but it was an expression that told Josiah he was up to something.
Josiah nodded at him, but there was still a look of doubt on his face.
Chris waited for Ezra to come out of his room; the agent was wearing the coat that had hung on the back of his door. He looked at Vin and pulled at his own coat, the movement told Vin to get one of Ezra's other jackets. He then stepped in front of Ezra and blocked his path.
"I'll drive and we're taking Buck's car." Chris watched as the anger continued to build in the Southerner. "I don't like the idea of you driving."
"Don't think I'm capable." Ezra raised an eyebrow and handed his car keys over to Chris.
"You know why Ezra, your too emotional."
"That's what I call a rarity." Buck tried to ease the tension between the two men.
"Shut up Buck." Ezra turned to him. "I'm not in the mood for your comments."
Ezra pushed passed Chris and headed towards the door.
"Buck, you, Nathan and Vin follow us in Ezra's Jag," he threw him the keys, "I want everyone watching
Ezra, I don't want him trying to get away from us." Chris went after Ezra, Josiah followed him.
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Stephens lowered his forehead and allowed it to hit the table; he grimaced but refused to acknowledge the pain that it caused. Things were not going the way they were supposed to, he rolled his head to the side without lifting it and looked at the agent who was still lying on the floor in an unconscious state, the blood that flowed from his wound left a growing puddle on the floor next to him. The agent's breathing had become shallow, but he didn't care, he was going to die anyway, it didn't matter if it was sooner than later, Standish was still going to suffer either way.
He was becoming angry with himself, it wasn't Standish that he had underestimated, he was doing exactly what he expected him to do, it was Larabee that surprised him, and the man wouldn't leave his agent alone. Larabee had agreed to close the Merchant case but he was going to make it difficult for Standish to get away. A thought just struck him, he wasn't even sure if Standish had taken his mobile. He started to bang his head against the table. Things were not going the way they were supposed to.
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Chris stepped off the elevator, he knew Ezra was hesitant in following him so he turned around and grabbed his undercover agent by the arm and pulled him out, he noticed that Josiah was also pushing Ezra towards the dark shadows that were beyond the elevator doors. Chris could see the anger that filled the southerner's eyes; something though was missing from the emerald stare that also showed his defiance. Chris frowned as things started to come together. He knew that there was something behind everything that was happening, something other than Lenny's death, the man had said more to Ezra than the Southerner was letting on because after his friend had come out the shock that had taken control of his mind and body. He was different, something was different and now Chris needed to find out what that was and he was going to use JD to get the information that was being held at a distance from the other men.
"Come on Ezra were not going to bite you." Chris told him as he continued to pull him along.
"You've already bitten me and you left the scars to prove it!" Ezra growled at him.
"Ezra." Chris stopped and pulled at Ezra, halting his forward momentum. "I only said what I did to get you out of your home so we could talk; I don't want that guy to hear what I have to say or what you’re going to say. I didn't mean any of it, you need to realise that I trust you to do your job, and to know that I don't blame you if we don't get anywhere with a case. You’re the best at what you do Ezra, there is no doubting that."
"It sounded like you meant it." Ezra looked at him suspiciously.
"Hell Ezra, even you should know I can LIE as well as you." He put some emphasis on the word lie to see if there was a reaction, there was but it was only slight, if he hadn't been concentrating he would have missed it. He was right, Ezra was lying, but the question was; What was he lying about and why.
"Josiah, could you take Ezra to my office, I'll go and find JD then meet you in there." Chris handed Ezra's right arm to Josiah, and walked away.
Chris could feel his undercover agent's eyes on him and he knew that his agent was preparing himself for whatever it was his boss had in mind but Chris knew that what he was going to do would take Ezra by surprise. He just hoped that Ezra was going to understand that it was for his own good, he needed the help that his friends were offering, he just wasn't ready to accept it, he still didn't fully trust them but Chris couldn't blame him for that. The leader of the seven was going to make sure that Ezra's acceptance was going to come sooner than they expected or he wanted. They knew that it was going to happen one day but only when Ezra realised that he's friends were there for him for the rest of his life, not just for a short period of time like other people had been, that they were going to be there for him in the same capacity that Lenny was; had been. maybe one of them could even take the deceased agent's place.
Ezra pulled his arm from Josiah's grip and walked towards the small kitchen, he needed some coffee, he also needed to delay what was about to happen, his mind was still full of confusion and torment, he had to get in control before Chris started asking his questions.
"Ezra . . .” Josiah went after him.
"I need some coffee Josiah, I haven't had anything since this morning, since . . . " He felt Josiah's hand on his shoulder. He shrugged him off, not understanding the older man's need to continuously touch him, to show his concern through his hands, the others either did it through the use of the English language or silence, but he was yet to decide which one was worse.
"You think you could eat something?" Josiah asked him from the doorway.
"No."
Josiah leant his large physique against the doorframe and watched Ezra's movements, he noticed that the smaller man's hands still shook slightly, his eyes weren't watching what he was doing, and he heard the muttered oath when the hot water from the urn splashed onto his hand. Josiah looked at the floor and shook his head; he could never understand why Ezra had to be so stubborn.
"Something wrong Mr Sanchez?" Ezra had turned to see the ex-missionary shaking his head; he knew the movement was directed at him.
"Only you Ezra. Why won't you let us help you?"
"No one has asked if they could help, you've just assumed that I wouldn't accept it so you decided to try and force me to accept it. I won't have that." Ezra tried to push past him but he felt Josiah's large hand on his chest.
"Ezra. Can we help?" Josiah asked him.
Josiah was surprised by the faint smile that crossed Ezra's handsome features, the simple question and the fact that he had asked seemed to break another piece of the Southerner's wall off.
"I'll think about it Josiah." Ezra walked away but again felt Josiah's arm, the larger man had grabbed him before he could get away and changed his direction and pushed him towards Chris' office.
Ezra entered Chris' office with his mind thinking about what he had just said to Josiah. Did he really want their help? He had thought about what they had been doing for him since that morning; they showed their concern. He was told that he wasn't going to be left alone, that they were going to be there for him for as long as it took, they didn't really ask him if they could help, they assumed that he wouldn't accept it and they were right, and knowing this they had tried to force their help on him. Maybe he should finally trust them, if they didn't want to do it they would have left him alone by now; this was what a family was all about. You helped each other and you accepted that help. He had to stop hiding from them, to stop pushing them away. But most of all, he couldn't do this on his own, even with the knowledge that Lenny was still alive, he couldn't pull himself together, he couldn't think straight and if he went after this guy without their help then he would only get Lenny and himself killed. He made a decision, he was going to let them help, if things worked out then maybe he could also finally trust them.
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"I don't know about this Chris, it isn't fair on Ezra." JD argued.
"It's the only way JD, he won't blame you, and he’ll know it's my idea and that you didn't have a choice." The last words were whispered because they were too close to his office; he didn't want Ezra to hear them. "Just do what I told you, once he starts telling us then you can move aside and I'll do the talking." He put his hand on his youngest agent's shoulder. "It's for the best JD, this is going to help Ezra."
JD nodded and followed his boss into his office, his eyes drifted from the back of Ezra's head to the concerned features of Josiah's face. His gaze moved back to Ezra as he passed him, his friend didn't look at him, his eyes were downcast and they stayed that way. He looked up at Chris who had taken up his usual position in his chair behind his desk, the darkly dressed man nodded to him. JD sat on the corner of the desk so he was in front of Ezra, the Southerner lifted his head and looked at him, and JD didn't like what he saw in those green eyes. He took his courage in his hands and reminded himself that this was for Ezra's benefit.
"Ezra, what did that man say to you?" JD first saw confusion then anger, he flinched back from him but felt Chris' hand on his back. "Tell me and I want the truth."
"You think that I won't lie to JD. Is that it Mr Larabee?" Ezra looked around the young man and looked into the blue eyes that seemed to be hiding their owner's smugness.
"Something like that Ezra." Chris smiled but there wasn't any humour in it. "I know your lying to me, I know that there's something else and I will do anything I can to force you to allow us to help you."
"And what if I say nothing at all?" Ezra raised an eyebrow and his tongue flicked out over his bottom lip.
"Then we'll be here all night." Chris assured him.
Ezra turned to Josiah, he could see the concern, the man was also worried, he was concerned and worried about him, and Ezra took comfort in that.
"Josiah, I've decided to let you help me."
"You have . . .” Josiah was shocked, how could the simple question work when nothing else did. "I mean . . .”
"Lenny's not dead." Ezra quickly moved forward and grabbed JD when he nearly fell off the desk, the young agent's reaction mirrored what was on Chris and Josiah's faces.
"Ezra, you said that . . . " Chris began, he thought that the emotions that Ezra tried to keep shut away had finally done their damage, Ezra had broken down.
"I spoke to him on the phone, the man told me he wasn't dead, I asked for proof and he put Lenny on." Ezra explained to the shocked faces.
"What?" Buck growled when he entered the office, he had heard enough to tell him what was going on.
"Why the hell didn't you tell us?"
Vin and Nathan followed Buck into the room, they hadn't heard what Ezra had said so Buck's outburst confused them, they didn't say anything but made their way further into the office so they could listen and learn about what was going on.
"I'm telling you now." Ezra looked down at his hands, he didn't like Buck's tone of voice. "Maybe I was mistaken, maybe I should have kept it to myself."
Buck saw the look of anger that was thrown at him from the other men in the room, he knelt down next to Ezra, the expression that the agent held told him that he had just broken any trust that he had in him. "Ezra, why didn't you tell us? Why wouldn't you let us help you with this?" His tone was calm, the sincerity was in his voice.
Ezra looked from his hands to the man beside him. "You know why Buck, it's the way I am. I can't and won't accept help from anyone, I've always had to deal with things on my own, I still want to deal with this on my own but I can't control what I'm feeling, I can't trust myself to do this, I need help, if I don't accept it I'm only going to get Lenny killed." He turned away from him and wiped at the dampness in his eyes before the tears fell. "I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I don't know what I'm doing or thinking, I can't even stop my hands from shaking."
"It's okay Ezra, you can't be in control during something like this." Chris told him as he got up from his chair, he made his way around his desk and sat down in the chair next to Ezra. "I'm glad you finally trust us enough to let us help."
"It's not that I trust you Chris, it's because I don't have any other choice." Ezra was apologetic, he wanted to trust them but he couldn't, what happened before kept him from doing that. He knew he was part of the family that he had been dragged into it and he accepted that. But the complete trust that should be there was still lacking. It was his own fault, he was the reason for that lack of trust, he was yet to accept them at face value, he still expected to walk into his office to find that he was being transferred because they could no longer tolerate him, that he had finally pushed them too far. "I still expect . . . " He allowed his head to fall.
"You still expect what Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"I still expect you to give up on me, to not be there for me anymore. To leave me alone like everyone else has, everyone except Lenny. That you will allow me to push you away." Ezra felt an arm wrap itself around him, he didn't look at who it was.
"You can't push us away Ezra." Chris told him as he put his arm around his young agent. He knew that he was in a vulnerable situation emotionally and it was the only reason why he was telling them how he felt, once he was back in control he wouldn't allow them to see this side of him, he would shut his feelings away like he always did. Chris wasn't going to wait for that to happen, he was going to take the opportunity that Ezra had just opened up for them. "We're your family now and we're here to stay, there's nothing you can do to get rid of us."
"I wish I could believe that Chris but too many people have told me the same thing, they didn't hang around. That's why it's too hard for me to get close to people, they leave me, and I decided that I wasn't going to allow that to happen again."
"I give you my word Ezra." Chris gave him a brotherly hug. "I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry Chris, but I'll believe it when it happens or doesn't happen."
"I'll remind you of this moment in twenty years time Ezra, then you can eat your words." Chris smiled at him.
"I'll bring the salt." Buck added. "We should have gotten this on tape, Ezra ain't ever going to admit that he said any of this."
"Said any of what?" Ezra smiled weakly, these men truly were his friends, and he had to force himself to accept that.
"What did I tell you." Buck slapped his arm then stood up.
"Ezra." Chris got his attention. "Now that we have your denial in regards to what you just said, how about you tell us what's going on."
"He wants the Merchant case closed in a way that it can't be reopened." Ezra told Chris, he still felt the arm around his shoulders, his friend wasn't going to let go. "Said that he wanted proof that it had been done, he's given me twelve hours to do it, then he's going to call me and arrange a meet to swap the proof for Lenny."
"Why the Merchant case, the guy would have to know that we didn't have anything on him and how did he know that Ezra was with the ATF?" Josiah had taken JD's place on the desk. He wanted to be close to Ezra in the same way he had been all evening. The young man was still going to break down at some point, just because Lenny was alive, didn't mean that everything that he had felt so far wasn't going to become too much for him, he had even admitted that he couldn't get his usual control back.
"I don't know." Ezra answered.
"How did Lenny sound? Was he okay?" Nathan wanted to know.
Ezra looked up at him then looked away, the worry on Nathan's face was for Lenny and that scared him, he tried not to think that Lenny may have been hurt, he couldn't think of that.
"He sounded . . . alright." Ezra fought to keep the small amount of control that he had.
"Good, if he sounded alright then he was alright, which meant that he wasn't hurt Ezra." Nathan tried to assure him, he only received a small nod from the Southerner, he chastised himself for bringing it up, Ezra was worried enough as it was and he had just made it worse for him.
"Why did he want to make you think that Lenny was dead?" Buck asked him, he also hadn't moved from his position next to the undercover agent.
"He said that if he just threatened him that I would tell Chris, then you would help me even without my consent, he thought that if I experienced Lenny's death that I would do anything to keep him alive, that I wouldn't tell you. But I can't do this on my own, I'll only get him killed, I've already done enough. One person has already died and I don't even know who he was, what if he was an innocent bystander that just looked like Lenny, it would mean that an innocent man died because of me."
"It's not your fault Ezra, it can't be your fault, and I won't let you blame yourself." Chris told him.
"But this is being done because of me." Ezra turned his face towards his boss. "That man died and Lenny's suffering because of me."
"No one is taking the blame, it's happened, there's nothing we can do about that but we can get Lenny out of it. He's our priority right now." Chris growled at his agent. "Ezra is there anything else we should know?"
Ezra shook his head. "I won't know anything else until he calls in the morning."
"Now I'll tell you what we're going to do. When he calls in the morning he's going to want you to remove the bug from your car but . . . "
"You bugged my car?" Ezra raised an eyebrow, he couldn't help but smile at their determination.
"Twice." JD smiled at him.
"And my car, just in case you took it." Chris explained. "Also the coat you’re wearing and the one you were wearing earlier."
"If my mother pushed as much as you guys did, I would be living in Europe right now." Ezra smiled at the men in the room.
"She's not getting any lessons from us." Chris stated seriously then continued with what he was saying.
"Now with that bug, I want you to remove it, we can't take the chance that someone may be watching you as well as listening, we'll use the second bug on the car to follow you, once you’re in and we know the situation then we'll come in after you." His undercover agent stayed quite but he nodded so Chris would know that he was listening. "We'll get Lenny back for you Ezra, you have my word on that."
Chris watched him for a moment, he knew he was fighting to keep from breaking down, his tremors had become worse and he's whole body was visibly shaking.
"Josiah, can you take Ezra into the conference room, there's a lounge in there." He looked at Ezra's confused expression. "I want you to get some rest Ezra, I need to phone the Judge and Agent Thompson, let them know what's going on, then I'll actually close the case and get some sort of proof for you, then we'll take you home. But it might take a couple of hours, so you get as much rest as you can, okay."
Ezra answered him by standing up, he allowed Josiah to lead him out of the room, he couldn't stop thinking about Lenny, Nathan's words had reminded him that he may have already been hurt, what if the man killed him after he spoke to him, he wouldn't have needed Lenny anymore, and he could have done anything to him. Ezra was scared, he didn't want to go through Lenny's death again but he didn't want Lenny to go through it, he didn't want him to die, he was beginning to feel selfish, he was thinking of what Lenny's death would do to him.
Josiah kept glancing sideways at Ezra, he knew that the breakdown was getting close, the green eyes were becoming unfocused, he was pale and his body was shaking, he was going to lose the little amount of control that he had. He knew that was why Chris had him take him somewhere private, it would give Ezra a chance to let his feelings go and it would also be easier for him to do it if only one of them was with him.
Ezra sat down on the couch and winced when Josiah sat down next to him. "Josiah . . . " Ezra started but he stopped when he didn't think that the older man would understand.
"You can tell me anything Ezra." Josiah knew that Ezra wasn't confident when it came to talking about his feelings.
"Is it wrong for me to be scared about having to go through it all again?" Ezra wouldn't look at the man next to him.
"Ezra, look at me." When he didn't he used his hand to turn the Southerner's face so he could look into his eyes. "No it isn't, you already know what it feels like, and you have every right to be scared."
"Even if it means I'm more worried about what I would feel rather than the fact that Lenny would be dead?"
"Ezra we saw what you went through, it's understandable that you feel that way." Josiah told him. "You're not being selfish Ezra if that's what you’re thinking."
"Three times already Josiah. Up at the cabin when I watched him being gunned down. I died with him, I'd never felt like that before and I didn't want to feel like it again and now two months afterwards I did but this time it was worse, then when Chris told me that he wasn't dead only to find out that he was . . . " The tears finally fell from his eyes. "I can't go through it again, I don't want to go through it again Josiah."
"You won't have to Ezra." He took the younger man in his arms and comforted him while the emotions took control. "We'll get Lenny back safe."
"But if not now . . . then later . . . I can't."
"Ezra when this is over I want you to talk to Chris, he knows what you’re going through, he understands better than the rest of us, he won't be able to make it any easier for you but maybe he can help you accept it."
Josiah could feel the shudders that wracked the Southerner's body. He looked up when he saw movement coming from the doorway, he saw Buck standing there with a blanket. He shook his head at him, the gesture told him not to come in, he watched as Buck put the blanket on the ground where he was then walk away.
"I want to . . . push him . . . away." Ezra admitted through the tears.
"Lenny?" They would not allow that. He felt Ezra nod against his shoulder. "No Ezra, you can't do that, how do you think Lenny would cope if you did that, you know he won't accept it and we won't let you do it." He began to rub the back of Ezra's head, he hadn't realised had badly this had affected him. He understood the emotions he went through, the shock that he had suffered when he found out that he was alive, and now the fear of losing him all over again but he couldn't understand the need to end their ten-year friendship. Ezra must be terrified.
"But I can't deal . . . with this."
"Not now, but when Lenny's okay you will, you can't end your friendship with him Ezra."
"I have . . . to." Ezra felt his eyes becoming heavy, he couldn't understand why, he'd slept most of the day.
The rocking movement that Josiah was doing and the touch on the back of his head wasn't helping, he felt a growing comfort that he'd only felt with Lenny.
"I won't let you Ezra." Josiah warned him.
When a silence fell over the man, he was holding he looked down into the tear stained face, Ezra had fallen asleep. He carefully laid him down on the couch and wiped the tears from his face. When he went to the doorway to get the blanket that Buck had left he saw the others, they had been listening to what Ezra was saying, he could see the worry and concern on their faces, there was also understanding. But Chris wasn't with them, he was going to have to talk to him, get him to talk to Ezra, it could also be a way for Chris to deal with what he was feeling. He knew that Chris had also been struggling to cope with his past but now he had something to do, a person that he could go after, he could get revenge for what Ezra and Lenny had been put through but that revenge would do nothing to help him cope with his own hatred.
Josiah turned away from them and went back towards the couch, he could feel the others following him back into the room. He ignored them for now, he placed the blanket over the sleeping agent then carefully lifted his head so he could place a small cushion under his head so he would be more comfortable. He then grabbed one of the chairs that surrounded the conference table and pulled it closer to the couch. He knew that Ezra couldn't be left alone, he needed them and he had admitted it, even if he said that he had no choice, it was a way of making it easier for him to admit it. Josiah didn't fail to notice the other four men gather around the couch, they were thinking the same thing, they couldn't leave their friend alone when he needed them most.
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Chris walked into the conference room and smiled at the scene before him, Ezra was sleeping on the couch and he was surrounded by five men, five men who cared. He moved forward and sat on the arm support of the couch and looked down at Ezra's slack profile, he spoke to Josiah without taking his eyes away from the inert form.
"How's he doing Josiah?"
"Not good, you’re going to have to talk to him Chris, he's so terrified of loosing Lenny again that he wants to end the friendship." Josiah informed him.
"He what?" Chris was shocked.
"He doesn't want to go through this again and I think that he believes if he was no longer friends with him that he won't." Josiah leaned forward and tucked the blanket closer around Ezra's shoulders. "He's says he can't do it again Chris and can you really blame him."
"No I can't." Chris understood better than Josiah thought, but then maybe Josiah did, he had wanted him to talk to Ezra.
Chris had felt the same way after his family had died. He was afraid to allow people to get close to him again, afraid of losing them. Even now with his new family he feared for their lives every time they underwent a new operation but what none of them new was that it was Ezra's life that he feared losing the most, he was the one that took the risks and also the unnecessary risks required to catch the men that they were after. Most of the time he went undercover alone, it was the only way, they backed him up of course but the thought of losing him or one of the others terrified him. On the occasions when one of them was injured and were close to death he had considered leaving the team so he no longer had to worry about them but it was the good times that they spent together that kept him in the tight knit group of men. The good times made the bad times bearable.
"I'll talk to him when this is over." Chris told him. "Can you wake him up, we'll need to get him home, and we don't want this guy getting suspicious." He looked at the others. "Why don't you guys get going, we'll meet you back at Ezra's."
Josiah waited until they left then looked up at Chris. "Is that the way you felt after Sarah and Adam died?"
"Yes, still do sometimes Josiah, it's still a struggle to stay around people that you care about, especially when the type of work they do is dangerous."
Josiah nodded, he stood up over Ezra but instead of waking him he lifted him up into his arms, the Southerner didn't stir. "We may as well let him keep sleeping."
Chris smiled in agreement, he looked at Ezra as he stood up, he looked peaceful, his mind and body were free of the emotions that he'd been feeling, and it was a good idea to keep him in that painless void for as long as they could.
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Ezra pulled his heavy eyelids open. He groaned at the darkness that surrounded him, this meant that it was still early, he looked at the bedside table and hoped that the glowing red digits told him that he didn't have to get up, but there was nothing to see, he remembered that he had thrown it against the wall the day before. He was going to have to physically find out what ungodly hour it was. He threw his arm out trying to find the lamp's light switch without actually having to get up. His hand missed it by mere inches, he muttered a soft curse then pushed himself up into a sitting position, and he reached over and turned the lamp on.
He hadn't prepared himself for the brightness of the false light and instantly closed his eyes against the glare. Ezra fell back onto the pillows and covered his eyes with his forearm, he thought he heard a whispered voice but decided to ignore it, he didn't wake so he could talk to someone about what was going on. If he got into an emotional discussion about Lenny, he would lose the control that he finally began to get back. It was only slight but it was a start and unless something made him take a step backwards then he would continue to take the small steps forward that were required to gain full control of his emotions.
But everything was becoming a blur, his memory was filling up with large potholes, he had absolutely no knowledge of what had happened after he cried in Josiah's arms. He felt the heat fill his face at the memory, he was embarrassed by the outpour of emotions but Josiah seemed to have understood, he gave him the comfort that he needed at the time and he himself didn't refuse it like he had been trying to do all evening. He must have fallen asleep afterwards, which meant they would have carried him like a child to the car, then to his room once they got him back to the apartment, he groaned at the thought. These men were beginning to get too close, but was that a bad thing, he was beginning to think that it wasn't. They were what he needed. He wouldn't have coped with Lenny's death if they hadn't been there for him and without them, he wouldn't be able to get him back.
He removed the arm that was protecting his eyes from the light and turned sideways, he looked into Chris' smiling face. Why was he smiling, under the circumstances his mood should be melancholy like his own. But behind the smile, there was an emotional torment that he could make out, Chris was trying to hide it but he could see it. He wasn't going to get into it with him now though, he would do like Josiah said and talk to him after all this was over. He had never realised what this was doing to Chris, he didn't think of the past that would have been brought to the forefront of his mind. He would be reliving his own nightmare, Josiah was right, Chris understood what he was going through, and he shouldn't have tried so hard to push him away. He returned the smile.
"It's three thirty Ezra." Chris told him, he had sensed what the Southerner was trying to do.
"Uh huh." Ezra muttered.
"You want the light back off?" Chris continued to smile, he felt relieved when Ezra had smiled back, and it meant he was feeling better, he was getting back in control of the haunting emotions that wouldn't give him any relief the day before.
"Uh huh." Ezra was never one for words before ten am unless it was absolutely necessary.
"Go back to sleep Ezra." Chris leaned forward and turned the light off.
Chris had already gone through this procedure four times since they had returned to the townhouse. Ezra had not uttered a sound since Josiah lifted him off the couch in the conference room of the ATF building. They had laid the smaller man down on the back seat of Buck's car and Josiah had stayed with him, the gentle movement of the car seemed to have put him into an even deeper sleep but as soon as he was placed in his own bed, his sleep became restless. The undercover agent continued to wake up.
Ezra rolled over onto his side and was asleep again within minutes.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
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