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azombiewritesTitle: Delayed Reactions
Seventeenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra receives a head injury but does not suffer from the symptoms until hours later causing him to be placed in a dangerous situation that nearly costs him his life.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Seventeenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 24,715
The room was in complete darkness, no light invaded the sleeping quarters of the gambler who slept in the large bed, his mind echoing the blackness of the room that he was in, there were no dreams, no nightmares, just an empty void that he welcomed but it didn't last. Something flashed in the corner of his mind, it came hurtling towards the void that he was hidden in, it had found him. He cringed away from it, the grimace on his face, the movement of his body, the voiced whimper mirroring the way he felt inside as the nightmare began. He had stayed in the void as long as he could but the nightmare violently pulled him away from it. Fear and sadness filled his heart and mind, he knew what was coming, knew what the dream was going to be about but there was nothing that he could do to stop it, he couldn't wake up, the nightmare held him in its grip.
He looked upon the bloodied heap that lay at his feet, the dark bruises standing out on the dark skin, his chest tightened when there was no movement, no breath entered or left the body. He had killed his Uncle but it wasn't Jack that lay before him, it was Nathan. The image changed to Casey, the blood spreading across her chest, JD crying over the still form, the moist eyes turned to him, his young voiced yelled at him, demanding to know why he killed her.
'Ezra'. The voice tried to break through to him but the nightmare pushed it away. 'Ezra, it's just a dream.' The voice was louder and familiar. The image of Josiah lying on the boardwalk brought him back into the nightmare, there was blood everywhere, he looked closer at the blood and saw more, he gagged and turned away.
'Ezra, wake up!' He felt hands on him, shaking him, trying to get him away from the nightmare but they couldn't help him, he was on his own again, things never seemed to change for him. The dream had him within its grip and it wasn't going to let go until it was ready. He saw the sickening smile that crossed his face after he hit Josiah and he screamed. He stopped abruptly when he saw himself sitting in the chair that faced his window, the darkness surrounded him, he could see the small goose bumps that lined his pale skin. He watched, memorised by the card as it crossed his skin, the colour of the blood standing out against the paleness of his arm.
'Ezra!' The voice tried harder, the hands shook him even more but the nightmare wouldn't allow him to leave. He was now in the cot in the clinic, he felt the desperate need to hurt himself for what he did, he watch as he tore at his arm under the blanket and then as he managed to tear out the stitches in his back. He began to cry, he didn't want to see anymore, he wanted the pain and emotions of the nightmare to leave him alone. He felt the caring touch as someone wiped the tears away from his face. The nightmare finally let him go.
"Ezra! Wake up." Chris was becoming desperate. He couldn't wake him. "Ezra!" He shook him more firmly.
Chris hadn't been able to sleep, his eyes continued to watch the still form in the bed. Ezra had slept through the afternoon and into the night, another day passing where he hadn't eaten any food. The small whimpering moan that came from the gambler had been the first hint of the nightmare that he knew would come. He moved to the bed and put his hand on Ezra's shoulder, he could feel him shaking and began to try to wake him so he wouldn't have to go through it again but he failed. He held him down as he tossed and turned in the bed and shook his shoulders, trying to bring him out of the dream. He flinched back as he heard the scream, he thought that it was finally over but the voice ended and the nightmare continued. He put his hand against Ezra's face and felt the warm tears as they fell from beneath closed eyelids.
"Chris." Ezra managed to gasp out as the tears took over from the nightmare.
"Aw hell Ezra." He pulled him up and wrapped his arms around him as Ezra continued to cry. "I tried to wake you but I couldn't." He soothingly stroked the back of Ezra's head as he lay against his shoulder, he could feel him shaking within his comforting embrace, there were no words that would ease his fear, he knew this from experience.
After a few minutes, the shaking eased as Ezra's body relaxed and his breathing evened out as sleep claimed him once more. Chris gently eased him back down onto the pillow and used his hand to dry the damp tears that were still on Ezra's face. He pulled the cover back up and tucked it around his shoulders, he wiped the damp hair from Ezra's forehead in one last gesture of concern and then went back to sit in the chair to wait for the next nightmare to begin.
***
The light of the new day invaded the room, it had been allowed to enter as the natural early riser who spent another night in the gambler's room had pulled the curtains aside, giving it access to the sleeping occupant in the large bed. The sun succeeded where it had failed the previous day, it woke the heavy sleeper with its intrusion into the normally dark room, it was something new and it welcomed the opportunity to do what it did to the other occupants of the small town, it caused the gambler to wake at an ungodly hour.
Ezra knew it was a dream, it had to be, they wouldn't wake him at this time of day, it was too early for him, they knew that, they wouldn't dare wake him now. So the light that was forcing itself into his mind couldn't be real, it had to be part of a dream. He heard a soft moan and knew that it came from his own dry throat, he pulled the cover up over his head to keep the light out but it was pulled back down. It wasn't a dream, they really were waking him, he rolled over in protest and tried to pull the cover back up, it was pulled out of his hand.
"Come on Ezra, time to get up." Chris smiled down at him.
"This is not a time Mr Larabee." Ezra's voice was heavy with sleep.
Chris frowned at the use of his last name but decided that it was because Ezra was still half-asleep. "Yes it is Ezra, it's called morning." He sat down on the bed and roughly patted his shoulder. "If you stay in bed your breakfast will get cold."
"I prefer to sleep." Ezra mumbled as he used his arm in an effort to swipe Chris's hand away.
"I prefer you eat, you've slept long enough Ezra." Chris had been grateful when Ezra's nightmare didn't return allowing him to sleep peacefully for the rest of the night. He had gotten at least sixteen hours of sleep with only one interruption that was enough, it was now time to get him to eat something.
"Not long enough." He rolled back over putting his back between himself and Chris and tried to push his head back into the comfort of the pillow.
Chris pulled him back, placed his hand against his face, and then began to pat it gently at first then more roughly, when Ezra tried to push his hand away. "Come on Ezra. Buck and JD are going to a lot of trouble to make your breakfast, you don't want to disappoint them."
Ezra grimaced and forced his eyes open, he glared up at Chris's smiling face and grabbed his hand, pushing it away from his face. "With the way they cook it won't be a disappointment."
***
The lamps that lit the saloon added to the natural light of the sun as it cast shadows over the only occupants of the main room. They had only arrived a few minutes earlier, some of them lighting the lamps while the others laid the food out on the table, each quietly hoping that Ezra had had a decent night’s sleep. They now sat at the table in silence waiting for Chris and Ezra to come down, Chris had told Buck the night before when he had gone up to Ezra's room to check on him that he was going to bring Ezra down early and get him to eat something.
They looked up when they heard the pounding footsteps on the balcony above them, they saw Ezra bounding down the stairs in only his trousers and a plain white shirt that wasn't tucked in, Chris was following him, a frown seemed to be permanently fixed to his rugged features. Their eyes turned to the scowl that was on Ezra's unshaven face, their own expressions turning into frowns that matched their leaders.
Ezra walked to the table in the center of the room and ignored the chair that Josiah pulled out for him and sat down in the other empty chair next to Buck without looking at anyone while Chris sat in the one that Josiah had offered to the gambler. Ezra knew they were staring at him, they always were, they had all probably come to enjoy the show. He was angry at being woken so early in the morning, they knew he liked to sleep late and yet Chris forced him to wake up at this ungodly hour of the day, he hated mornings and the last thing he wanted to do at this time of day was eat.
He was also angry because of the dreams, he felt helpless, he couldn't get them stop, he was angry at the emotions that he was feeling, he hated crying every time someone spoke to him about what happened. It was all becoming too much for him again and that made him even angrier, he wanted their help, needed their help but it caused him to feel out of control, he wasn't used to it. Yesterday he had spoken openly to Chris about things and today all he wanted to do was push them away. He knew it was because of the mood he was in from being woken up early but it didn't stop him from showing his anger.
"Morning Ezra." Buck smiled at him.
"I know it is." Ezra retorted.
"Sleep alright Ezra?" Vin asked. He was sitting on the other side of Buck and had to lean slightly forward so he could get a better look at Ezra's face as he asked the question. The area under his eyes was still dark against his pale skin but his eyes were clear and bright, he didn't fail to notice that they were also full of anger.
"I would have slept fine if Chris didn't wake me up." Ezra didn't hide the sarcasm.
"He only had one nightmare, he slept fine otherwise." Chris informed them as he ignored the foul look that Ezra shot his way.
"Ezra, I made you some eggs, beans and bacon. You want some?" JD asked him as he filled a plate for him.
"No. It's bad enough that I was forced out of my bed at this hour, I shouldn't have to be forced to eat something you made."
Nathan took the plate from JD and placed it in front of Ezra who pushed it away without even a glance at its contents.
Chris pushed it back in front of him, Ezra pushed it away with enough force to cause the beans to spill from the plate onto the table and then glared at Chris, the expression on his face was easily readable, it was challenge. Josiah put a hand on Chris's arm, stopping him from pushing the plate back.
"What about coffee Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"He doesn't need coffee Josiah, he needs food." Nathan argued with him.
"I don't need either of them." Ezra joined the argument. Nathan and Josiah both looked at him, Ezra smiled in return but his expression held no humour.
"He has to eat Josiah, he didn't have anything at all yesterday, he's just going to get sick." Nathan looked back at Ezra. "If he's not sick already that is."
"I thought I was no longer your responsibility." Ezra growled at Nathan.
"I'm sorry Ezra, I shouldn't have said those things." Nathan watched as Ezra's eyes quickly turned away from him.
"Why don't you just try something Ezra, please."
"No."
"Ezra!" Chris growled at him.
"What? You know I don't eat at this time of the day."
Josiah rose from his chair and moved to Ezra's side, he knelt down next to him and put his hand on his arm. "Ezra would you eat something for me please."
"Don't start Josiah." Ezra warned him as he pulled his arm out from under Josiah's hand.
"He's not starting anything Ezra, he just wants you to eat something like the rest of us do." Chris told him, he knew what was coming and he hoped that Josiah realised it also and had enough sense to stop before he pushed Ezra too far. Ezra was in a bad mood and shouldn't be pressured in an area that he wasn't ready to deal with or talk about, he already had enough problems and it was these problems that were stopping him from forcing Ezra to eat something.
"Yes he is, he started it weeks ago."
Chris saw Josiah's confusion and realised that he had no idea what Ezra was talking. Ezra had kept his thoughts well hidden so he wouldn't hurt Josiah's feelings but he could tell that he was ready to do that now. He inwardly groaned and sunk lower in his chair and waited for the outburst that he knew would occur if Josiah pushed Ezra any further in the wrong direction.
"What are you talking about Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"Go away Josiah." Ezra growled at him, he turned his angry stare to him, his eyes holding another challenge.
"Don't push him Josiah." Chris pleaded with him.
The others were watching the scene unfold before their eyes, they knew that Josiah now felt closer to Ezra, that he treated him more like a son than a friend but they didn't know how Ezra had felt about it, they were about to find out.
"Why not? I want to know why he's pushing me away." Josiah returned the challenge. "Well Ezra? This is the second time you've asked me to go away and I want to know why."
Ezra looked across at Chris and watched as the gunslinger shook his head at him, Ezra turned his eyes back to Josiah. "I'm not your son Josiah so stop treating me like I am." he told him in a cold voice. Chris groaned and slid even further down into his chair.
"I'm sorry Ezra, I was only trying to help you." Josiah muttered as he got up and walked back to his own seat.
"No you weren't, you were trying to be a father." Ezra growled at him.
"That's enough Ezra." Buck glared at him, Josiah didn't deserve to be treated in such a way, he had only wanted to help Ezra deal with his problems in a way that he thought would help him.
"No it isn't Buck." Ezra stood up and the chair fell behind him. "I don't need a father and I don't want one. The one I had was enough, I don't need another one like him!"
"Ezra." Chris moaned.
"What did you expect, it's your fault for getting me up so early. At least this is something that I won't blame on myself." He paused for a moment as he looked around the table seeing the looks of concern. "I don't need any of this!" He walked away from the table and out the front door of the saloon.
"I guess that's another meal he's talked his way out of." Vin threw his own fork back onto the table, his appetite had suddenly disappeared.
"Not yet." Chris growled as he picked up a couple of warm biscuits and two cups of coffee. He looked at Josiah before leaving the table. "I'm sorry Josiah, Ezra's felt that way for a while, he didn't want to say anything before."
"So what changed his mind?" Josiah asked bitterly.
"I'm going to find out." Chris went through the saloon doors backwards so he didn't spill the coffee. He turned once he was free of the doors and found Ezra sitting in one of the chairs, he could see the emotions as he struggled to control them, it wasn't only having to get up early that angered the gambler. He now knew that there was something else that was causing him to be so angry.
"What's wrong Ezra?" he asked him as he sat down in the chair next to him.
"I told you, I don't like getting up this early." Ezra kept his eyes down both from the fear of Chris seeing what was in them and to keep the brightness of the rising sun from boring its way into his mind.
Chris handed him a biscuit and had to wait a couple of minutes before Ezra took it, he didn't hesitate when he took the coffee from him. Ezra gingerly took a bite out of the biscuit and then a mouthful of coffee to wash it down, he grimaced at the taste of both.
"Those two should really learn how to cook." Ezra muttered before he took another bite.
"There's something else Ezra. What is it?" Chris sat back in the chair and waited, he had all day.
Ezra allowed the biscuit to fall to the boardwalk and rubbed his face with his free hand so he could cover his eyes, he was going to make sure that no tears fell this time. "I'm sick of it Chris, all of it, the nightmares, the emotions, the tears. All I want to do is push you all away so I don't have to keep going through it, I don't have any control over it and I hate that." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes against the tears but they were there. He put the cup down and pushed himself out of the chair, he walked towards the railing while he roughly wiped his eyes and crossed his arms, he hung his head, and allowed his chin to fall to his chest. "I hate being out of control."
"Ezra . . ."
"What Chris? What piece of advice are you going to give me this time?" He turned to face him. "What can you possibly say that would make me feel any better?"
"I didn't have any control when Sarah and Adam were killed, you can't have control after something like that anyway." Chris turned his eyes from Ezra to the still empty street before him. "It took me a long time before I dealt with it and that only happened because Buck didn't give up on me. There are still times where I don't have any control over my emotions Ezra, I still cry even now." His blue eyes moved back to his friend's hunched shoulders. "Ezra look at me."
"No, you’re going to make me cry again."
Chris smiled and got up out of the chair and walked towards Ezra, he took his arms and turned him around but his head stayed down, he used his hand to lift his face, the green eyes were already moist. "There's not a lot I can say Ezra but I will say this though. I'm not going to give up on you, none of us are, we've come too far for that and so have you."
Ezra pulled himself away from him and wiped his eyes once more, he went back to the chair and sat down.
"Sometimes I just wish you would, I hate this Chris, this is nothing compared to what you went through, I should be able to handle it all better."
"It's not the same Ezra but what you have been through, not just now but all your life is just as bad. All these emotions are new to you, you just haven't learnt how to deal with them properly yet that's all. Don't worry Ezra, you'll get there, it's just going to take time."
"That's what everyone keeps telling me and I'm sick of that too!" Ezra threw his head back and Chris winced as it hit the wall behind him. "I accepted everything, your friendship, your concern, everything. I told myself that I wasn't going to push any of you away again but it's all I want to do now, especially Josiah. Why did he have to make it so complicated?"
"He was only trying to give what he thought you never had, he thought that it would help you get through this."
"I did have it once, for five years, I don't want it again." Ezra mumbled as he looked down the street, a distant memory clouding his mind, he didn't see Mrs Potter as she waved to them, or the frown that crossed her features when he didn't respond to her greeting, he quickly pushed the memory away.
"Your father, he didn't . . ."
"I don't want to talk about him Chris." Ezra turned his head back towards him. "Ever! So don't ask me about him again."
"Sure Ezra, I'll talk to Josiah for you, I'll ask him to back off."
"I don't need you to talk to Josiah for me I can do that myself." Ezra growled at him.
"Not until you calm down Ezra, I don't want you to talk to him the way you did in there, he didn't deserve that."
Ezra laughed, he found it uncanny sometimes how this man reminded him so much of his father, it was probably why he had disliked him so much when he first met him. They were both full of anger, hate and regret but he had found a better side to Chris, a side that he deeply respected and liked, he wondered if his father would have changed.
"You were a good father weren't you Chris." Ezra smiled at him but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"So Sarah kept telling me." He leaned against the railing and watched as the sadness filled Ezra's eyes.
"Mine wasn't."
"If you ever do want to talk about him Ezra I'll be here to listen."
"I'd rather shoot myself." Ezra's voice was bitter. "Why the hell did I ever stay here, I wouldn't be going through this crap if I had just kept going."
"You don't mean that Ezra, things will get better, I promise."
"Yes I do." Ezra got out of his chair and headed to the saloon doors, he stopped when Chris came forward and grabbed his arm.
"No you don't Ezra, you’re angry, when you calm down you'll see it differently."
"No I won't!" Ezra pulled his arm free and walked through the saloon doors with Chris following him. "I should never have come to this town and I sure as hell should never have stayed!"
"Ezra!"
Ezra turned on his heel to face him. "I told you Chris, I'm sick of it and at the moment I would do anything to stop it."
He swayed slightly as a wave of dizziness overcame him but Chris didn't notice, he was too shocked at Ezra's statement..
Chris quickly stepped forward and after grabbing Ezra's arm, he pulled him to the table where the others sat with shocked expressions. "If you think that you’re going to be left alone for a minute after that comment Ezra then you’re going to have to think again."
Ezra struggled to get away from him. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that." He yelped out in pain as Chris squeezed his arm and pushed him down into the chair.
"I don't know that Ezra, you were going to do it in the saloon that day when we found out what your Uncle did." Chris scowled at Buck who was sitting in the chair next to Ezra and he jumped out of it so Chris could sit down. "You told me that you weren't going to shoot yourself Ezra but I worked it out later, you were going to do it."
"I . . . " Ezra didn't know what to say so he shut his mouth again.
"I what Ezra, I wasn't going to do it. I was only trying to keep you away from me. What?" Chris leaned forward. "I know you’re going through a lot Ezra, you haven't had time to deal with what your Uncle and Aunt did to you and now all this guilt about what that potion did but if you ever. . . "
"Don't forget my surrogate father." Ezra was looking at Josiah when he said this and he regretted the words when he saw the hurt cross the ex preacher's eyes.
"EZRA!" Everyone jumped, including Ezra, he looked back at Chris. "That's enough!" Chris took a moment and tried to calm down. "Ezra if you ever do anything that stupid then I will know that you ran out on me again, on us. Do you understand what I'm saying Ezra."
"Thanks Chris, just make me feel worse why don't you."
"I think you’re doing enough of that yourself Ezra and you need to stop, you'll never get through it if you keep being so hard on yourself." Chris told him.
"You remind me of him." Ezra admitted. "My father, you remind me of him."
Chris didn't like the sound of that, not after Ezra telling him that he wasn't a good father. "I thought you didn't want to talk about him." Chris smiled but it was forced.
"I don't."
"You were going to shoot yourself?" JD muttered, the shock now evident in his voice as well as on his face. Ezra couldn't answer him, he wouldn't even look at him.
"Is that true Ezra?" Buck demanded to know.
"What else was I supposed to do? You were all forcing me to go through a hell that I didn't want to deal with. I thought it was the only way out."
"You would have killed yourself?" Nathan was dumbfounded, he had suspected it but always denied it because he thought the Southerner was too stubborn to do something like that.
"Yes I would have and I wanted to!" Ezra turned to the table. "Is that what you want to hear, is it! Well your right and now I'm beginning to regret not going through with it!" Ezra tried to get up so he could get away from them but both Chris and Buck pushed him back down.
"Hell Ezra. Why didn't you tell us this before?" Buck asked as he knelt down so he could look up into his eyes.
"All of you gave me a feeling I never had before, you cared about me, you were concerned, I didn't want that to change to pity, I didn't want to lose what you gave me." Ezra could feel the tears as they began to build while his chest tightened. "Here I go again." He wiped them away as they fell. "I really am sick of this Chris, I don't want it anymore!"
"You don't want what anymore?" Josiah asked him, he was hesitant in taking part of the conversation in case Ezra pushed him away but he decided to try, his friend was going through too much.
"Are you asking as a father or a friend?" Ezra's head hung low, one hand pressed against his eyes to stop the tears that he was beginning to hate.
"A friend Ezra, if you don't want the other I'll stop."
"I don't want the other Josiah, I'm sorry but I don't want that, not now, not ever."
"Is that what you’re sick of Ezra, me trying to be a father figure." Josiah couldn't stop his own pain from sounding in his voice.
"No Josiah," Chris spoke up for Ezra, "he's not coping with all of this, the emotions, the dreams. That's what he's sick of, he wants to push us away so he can get back the control that he thinks he needs to deal with it all. What Ezra doesn't realise is that this is normal and that he needs time to deal with it. If you were in control at the moment Ezra then I would think that you have put it all behind one of those walls that you build to protect yourself. All of these emotions tell me that you’re not doing that that you’re trying to deal with them with our help."
"Chris is right Ezra you can't expect to be in control after what you've been through, no one would be." Buck told him.
Ezra turned his pain filled gaze to Buck who was kneeling next to his chair. "How did you get Chris through it?"
"What do you mean?" Buck gave Chris a questioning look.
"I told him that we weren't going to give up on him just like you didn't with me." Chris explained as he stared at Ezra, something else was coming, he knew it but he just didn't know what.
"He went through hell Ezra just like you are, I didn't think I was ever going to get him back, I just kept pushing him like we did with you and made sure that he knew that I was there when he was ready."
"So in other words he had to do most of it himself, he had to deal with it on his own." Ezra growled down at him.
"I knew how to deal with it Ezra, I just didn't want to, Buck had to wait until I was ready. Ezra you want to but you don't know how to, that's why were helping you through it, were here for you Ezra, you shouldn't worry about your emotions, you shouldn't be embarrassed about them, they need to come out Ezra, just keep talking to us about how you feel, don't shut us out, not now." Chris said carefully, he was beginning to think that Ezra was trying to find something that would allow him to push them away and not feel bad about doing it.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, I've had enough, I just want it gone." Ezra muttered more to himself than to Chris, he quickly rose from his chair but before they could stop him, he sat down again just as quickly, his hands gripping the chairs arms so he wouldn't fall.
"Ezra, you okay?" Nathan asked as he moved from his chair to Ezra's side within seconds.
"I'm fine." Ezra tried to push him away. "I just felt a bit dizzy that's all."
"And do you want to know why you felt dizzy Ezra?" Nathan didn't stop to think about what he was saying. "It's because you won't do what I tell you, if you had eaten like I told you to this wouldn't . . . " Nathan stopped when he saw the guilt and anger that replaced the pain that had been in Ezra's eyes.
"Get away from me Nathan!" Ezra practically spat at him, he violently pushed himself out of the chair and away from the others, he began to walk towards the stairs when Nathan grabbed him.
"I'm sorry Ezra I didn't think."
"It has nothing to do with not thinking Nathan, you blame me too, just like everyone else does, you’re the only who'll admit it." Ezra retorted as he pushed him away again, he turned back to the stairs but another wave of dizziness rushed through him and this time he couldn't stay upright, he fell to the floor hitting his head on the thick hand railing on his way down.
They all watched Ezra fall, knowing that there was nothing they could do to stop him, one moment he was standing there expressing the anger that he had been feeling which allowed them to realise that he thought they all blamed him for what had happened and the next he crumpled to the floor in an unmoving heap. Nathan had been the closest but even he couldn't catch Ezra before he hit the floor. They joined Nathan at his side, expecting him to be unconscious and bleeding from a head wound but when they turned him onto his back, they saw his green eyes staring back at them and then he started to try to push them away.
He just needed a moment that was all but they weren't going to give him one. He could feel Nathan's hands on him, looking for an injury that wasn't there. He pushed him away but other hands held him down, he struggled against their grip but he still felt nauseas so they were able to keep their hold on him easily. He could see the concern on the faces of the men who leaned over him, he tried to get up but was pushed back down, both from the dizziness that he still felt and the hands that still held him. He tried one last exhausting effort to get them away and failed.
"Stay still Ezra, I just want to make sure you’re alright." Nathan said soothingly as he expertly used his hands to feel for any lumps on Ezra's skull, he held his head still with one hand and used the other to lift each eyelid so he could check that his pupils were normal and even. "Did you hit your head?"
"No." He lied, they didn't need to know, the pain from hitting his head on the railing was already easing. "I'm fine Nathan I just fell that's all so you can leave me alone."
He held up two fingers in front of Ezra's eyes. "How many do you see?"
"Two." He answered reluctantly.
"Did you black out at all Ezra?" Nathan asked, his voice full of concern and guilt, he deeply regretted what he had said to him.
"No! I told you I didn't hit my head, I felt dizzy that's all!" Ezra growled at him.
"Before or after you fell?"
"Before and I still do." He tried to sit up again. "Will you please let me get up off the floor!"
"You’re sure you didn't black out? It's important Ezra." Nathan placed a hand against the cool skin of Ezra's face and looked into the green eyes that stared back at him.
"I told you I didn't, now get off me!" He glared at the face before him, his anger still evident in his eyes as he pulled his head away from the large hand that covered half of his face.
"And you didn't hit your head?" Nathan repeated the question, he needed to be sure that Ezra hadn't hit his head.
"NO!" Ezra repeated as he became even more agitated.
"Okay Ezra, just take it easy." Nathan took one of Ezra's arms while Chris took the other and they carefully helped him stand up. "You okay, still feeling dizzy?" He watched Ezra nod as he tried to keep himself from falling back down.
"You're going to eat something Ezra and I don't want an argument."
"Only if the food is cooked by someone else."
"Ezra, just for once can you do what Nathan asks of you without giving him an argument." Josiah told him sternly as he put his hand on his shoulder, he felt him tense up under his touch.
"Get the hell away from me Josiah! Stop trying to be my father!" Ezra's face held the disgust that he felt towards his own father.
Josiah flinched back from the disgusted look that he thought was aimed at him, the emotion bore its way into his soul as a bullet would enter his flesh, it tore him apart and left him bleeding, the tears falling from his eyes as blood would pour from a flesh wound. He didn't attempt to help grab Ezra as his knees began to buckle once more, he stepped back as he quickly wiped his eyes and watched as Nathan and Chris pulled him back up and then lead him to one of the chairs at the table that still held the uneaten breakfast. Josiah walked to one of the other tables and sat down, his eyes never straying from the man who for some reason was now holding a lot of anger towards him.
"You okay Ezra?" Buck asked as he sat down in the chair next to him, he watched as he carefully nodded his head.
"Good, I want you to apologise to Josiah."
"For what?" Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes while he waited for the nausea to pass.
"I'll go and get Ezra something from the restaurant." Vin informed Nathan as he walked away from the table. "JD you want to give me a hand?" JD practically ran out of the saloon after him.
"Ezra!" Chris sat down on his other side.
Ezra lifted his head and opened his eyes, his hand quickly moved to hold his head up, the fingers of his right hand pressing against his forehead, his eyes looked upwards to the blue eyes that were beginning to show the anger that Chris was feeling but he didn't care. Josiah wasn't going to stop trying to be the father figure that he didn't want and they were making him think of something that he didn't want to think about - his father. First, they made him remember what his Aunt and Uncle did, forced him to bring the memory and emotions to the front of his mind and now this, he didn't want it, any of it.
Yesterday he was grateful for what they had done for him but now he was angry, with Josiah, Nathan and Chris. It was what he hated, being out of control. His emotions were uneven, up one day and down the next; it was this lack of control that made him angry. He needed control, he couldn't survive without it, it was something they couldn't and wouldn't understand and it was all happening because Josiah wanted to be his father, this had brought another type of anger to the surface.
"I told you he's only trying to help." Chris growled at him, he knew Ezra was going through a lot but he didn't like the way he was treating Josiah, there wasn't any reason for it.
"I don't want his help." Ezra looked across the room at Josiah, he could see that he had hurt his friend, he knew that he was trying to help him but he didn't want to be reminded of his father, he turned his gaze to Chris, another man who brought his father's memory back but for different reasons. "And I don't want your help either."
"You’re pushing us away. Why?" Chris was stunned but he hid it well, Ezra had been dealing with everything until he had found those cards, he was now reverting back to his old ways.
"Because you’re making me think about someone I don't want to think about, you’re not going to force me to remember him. I won't let you!" His eyes moved back to Josiah. "I don't want a father figure so keep him away from me."
"Ezra . . . " Buck couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore Buck." Ezra warned him, he leaned back again, his head resting on the top of the chair, his eyes closed as he shut out those around him. He wanted to stand up and walk away from them but he didn't trust his legs to hold his weight.
"Ezra?" It was Nathan's voice, he was behind him. "I'm sorry, I don't blame you for what happened. I was angry, you’re getting sick and I'm angry because I can't help you."
"It's not your fault Nathan, I'm the one that won't do as he's told remember, this is my fault just like everything else."
Ezra waved at hand at him as if to wave away the guilt that he knew Nathan was feeling. Someone grabbed it and held onto it, his head jerked upright and his eyes flew open to find Josiah standing over him.
"I'll stay away Ezra but only if you don't shut the others out." Josiah offered him a compromise.
"I won't talk about him." Ezra negotiated.
"You don't have to Ezra." Chris told him.
He leaned his head back and listened as Josiah walked away, his footsteps sounding heavier than they usually did, he reminded himself that he didn't want to remember and pushed the guilt that he felt to the back of his mind. He heard a chair scrape against the saloon floor and heard more footsteps as someone else left but he didn't open his eyes to see who it was.
Chris watched Josiah's retreating back for moment, he stood up and followed him out of the saloon, he found him standing on the boardwalk with his arms crossed, the rejection showing on his face.
"You alright Josiah?"
"He wants to talk about him, why else would he keep bringing him into the conversation, he wants us to push him on it just like we did with everything else." Josiah explained to him instead of answering the question of concern.
"I'm not so sure Josiah, he's been talking about things more freely lately, he wouldn't shut us out just so we could force him to talk. I think we should let it go for a while, if he wants to talk about his father I'm sure that he'll do it when he's ready."
"And in the meantime he doesn't want anything to do with me." Josiah hung his head. "I only wanted to help him and now he's pushed me away."
"I'm sorry Josiah, I don't know why he's doing this, he was fine yesterday." Chris tried to reassure him but he knew it would be no use. "I'll talk to him later, after he's eaten something and his mood has improved."
"I'll be in the church if he changes his mind." Josiah turned his back and walked towards the church, his arms still crossed as though they could hold in the strong emotions that he was feeling, his head still down so people wouldn't see the tears. He didn't think it would hurt this much but it did, it only proved to him how much he had come to care for Ezra like a son.
Chris walked back into the saloon. He stood inside the door for a moment and watched Ezra, he was still sitting in the chair with his head back and his eyes closed. He wondered what it was that was going through the gambler's mind, he looked paler than the white shirt he was wearing, it hung off him due to the loss of weight. Buck and Nathan sat on either side of him, their own eyes watching him, he didn't move under their scrutiny. He saw the grimace show on his handsome face and like Josiah had done before him, he wondered if he got his looks from his father.
He walked quietly to the table and sat down opposite Ezra. "He's not asleep is he?"
"No I'm not." Ezra lifted his head off the chair and looked at Chris, he could see the accusation and ignored it, Chris didn't know his reasons and he wasn't going to tell him.
All eyes turned to the saloon doors as the bartender and a couple of regulars entered and made their way to the bar, they tipped their hats in greeting to the gunmen and carried on with their own routines.
"You still feeling dizzy Ezra?" Nathan asked him as he looked back at him, he could see that he had become even paler, he was getting sick and Ezra wouldn't let him help him.
"A bit Nathan, not as bad though."
"You'll feel better once you've eaten something." Nathan frowned at him as he grimaced. "You sure you’re okay?"
"Yes I'm fine." Ezra told him as he tried to ignore the headache that had started at the back of his head and now worked its way forward. He lifted his hand and rubbed the area on the left side of his head, he was surprised when he hadn't been knocked out, he had hit the railing pretty hard.
"Ezra?" Chris waited for an answer so he knew that he was listening.
"Umm?" He continued to massaged his head and then realised that they would notice what he was doing, he removed his hand and looked at Chris, the accusation was no longer there, he wondered how long it would be before it came back.
"We don't blame you for what happened."
"What?" Ezra was confused for a moment.
"Before you fell you said that we blamed you, that Nathan was the only one who admitted it. We don't blame you Ezra."
"I know, I was angry, I'm sorry Nathan." He eyes were downcast, his hands grasped together as they tried to find something to do.
"Josiah's not feeling too good at the moment." Chris told him.
"I don't care." Ezra lied, he saw their expressions and disregarded them.
"Why not?" Buck asked him.
Ezra ignored him and turned away, he looked at the saloon doors hoping for a distraction, one came in the form of Vin and JD when they marched into the saloon with a small tray of food in JD's hands. He saw the expressions of confusion when they saw that Josiah wasn't there with him.
JD placed the tray on the table in front of Ezra, he pulled the damp cover that had soaked up the steam away from the plate revealing eggs, bacon and beans. Ezra looked sideways at Nathan, his face not hiding the disdain that he felt towards the greasy food. He ignored the plate and Nathan's expression, which was telling him to eat what, was on the plate, he picked up one of the warm biscuits and took a bite. The taste was an improvement on what he had tried earlier but for a moment he thought his stomach wasn't going to agree with him, he could feel in roll in protest, it had been empty for more than a day and wanted to stay that way.
"Where's Josiah?" Vin asked Chris as he sat down next to him.
"Ezra's decided to push us away again." Chris's explained, he saw Vin nod in understanding.
"Why?" JD didn't understand.
"Something to do with his father." Buck told him as he watched the anger return to Ezra's eyes.
Ezra didn't hold back, he turned his angry gaze to Buck. "I told you I didn't want to talk about it, why won't you leave it alone!" He stood up quickly and swayed a moment, he felt Nathan's hands as he stood up to help him. "Get the hell away from me!" He pushed Nathan back down into the chair, he stormed away leaving his anger hanging heavily around the table, the food remained untouched except for one bite.
"Go with him Vin, I don't want him left on his own, not after what he said before and take some of those biscuits with you." Chris ordered him as he turned his own eyes to Buck. "Don't push him Buck, he doesn't want to talk about his father. I don't want the man mentioned again." His eyes were cold. "Do you understand me?" Buck squirmed down into his chair and nodded.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Master Fan Fiction List
Seventeenth story in 'The Continuing Ezra Standish Saga'
Rating: PG
Warnings: Bad writing ahead!
Fandom: The Magnificent Seven
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Ezra receives a head injury but does not suffer from the symptoms until hours later causing him to be placed in a dangerous situation that nearly costs him his life.
Main Characters: Ezra, and the rest of the seven.
Disclaimers: The guys are owned by CBS, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment Group, and The Mirisch Corp.
Beta: Not betaed – written in the early days when I didn’t know what the words grammar and edit meant. *is ashamed but no longer care*
Notes: Seventeenth story in the ‘Continuing Ezra Standish Saga’.
Spoilers: None.
Total Word Count: 24,715
The room was in complete darkness, no light invaded the sleeping quarters of the gambler who slept in the large bed, his mind echoing the blackness of the room that he was in, there were no dreams, no nightmares, just an empty void that he welcomed but it didn't last. Something flashed in the corner of his mind, it came hurtling towards the void that he was hidden in, it had found him. He cringed away from it, the grimace on his face, the movement of his body, the voiced whimper mirroring the way he felt inside as the nightmare began. He had stayed in the void as long as he could but the nightmare violently pulled him away from it. Fear and sadness filled his heart and mind, he knew what was coming, knew what the dream was going to be about but there was nothing that he could do to stop it, he couldn't wake up, the nightmare held him in its grip.
He looked upon the bloodied heap that lay at his feet, the dark bruises standing out on the dark skin, his chest tightened when there was no movement, no breath entered or left the body. He had killed his Uncle but it wasn't Jack that lay before him, it was Nathan. The image changed to Casey, the blood spreading across her chest, JD crying over the still form, the moist eyes turned to him, his young voiced yelled at him, demanding to know why he killed her.
'Ezra'. The voice tried to break through to him but the nightmare pushed it away. 'Ezra, it's just a dream.' The voice was louder and familiar. The image of Josiah lying on the boardwalk brought him back into the nightmare, there was blood everywhere, he looked closer at the blood and saw more, he gagged and turned away.
'Ezra, wake up!' He felt hands on him, shaking him, trying to get him away from the nightmare but they couldn't help him, he was on his own again, things never seemed to change for him. The dream had him within its grip and it wasn't going to let go until it was ready. He saw the sickening smile that crossed his face after he hit Josiah and he screamed. He stopped abruptly when he saw himself sitting in the chair that faced his window, the darkness surrounded him, he could see the small goose bumps that lined his pale skin. He watched, memorised by the card as it crossed his skin, the colour of the blood standing out against the paleness of his arm.
'Ezra!' The voice tried harder, the hands shook him even more but the nightmare wouldn't allow him to leave. He was now in the cot in the clinic, he felt the desperate need to hurt himself for what he did, he watch as he tore at his arm under the blanket and then as he managed to tear out the stitches in his back. He began to cry, he didn't want to see anymore, he wanted the pain and emotions of the nightmare to leave him alone. He felt the caring touch as someone wiped the tears away from his face. The nightmare finally let him go.
"Ezra! Wake up." Chris was becoming desperate. He couldn't wake him. "Ezra!" He shook him more firmly.
Chris hadn't been able to sleep, his eyes continued to watch the still form in the bed. Ezra had slept through the afternoon and into the night, another day passing where he hadn't eaten any food. The small whimpering moan that came from the gambler had been the first hint of the nightmare that he knew would come. He moved to the bed and put his hand on Ezra's shoulder, he could feel him shaking and began to try to wake him so he wouldn't have to go through it again but he failed. He held him down as he tossed and turned in the bed and shook his shoulders, trying to bring him out of the dream. He flinched back as he heard the scream, he thought that it was finally over but the voice ended and the nightmare continued. He put his hand against Ezra's face and felt the warm tears as they fell from beneath closed eyelids.
"Chris." Ezra managed to gasp out as the tears took over from the nightmare.
"Aw hell Ezra." He pulled him up and wrapped his arms around him as Ezra continued to cry. "I tried to wake you but I couldn't." He soothingly stroked the back of Ezra's head as he lay against his shoulder, he could feel him shaking within his comforting embrace, there were no words that would ease his fear, he knew this from experience.
After a few minutes, the shaking eased as Ezra's body relaxed and his breathing evened out as sleep claimed him once more. Chris gently eased him back down onto the pillow and used his hand to dry the damp tears that were still on Ezra's face. He pulled the cover back up and tucked it around his shoulders, he wiped the damp hair from Ezra's forehead in one last gesture of concern and then went back to sit in the chair to wait for the next nightmare to begin.
***
The light of the new day invaded the room, it had been allowed to enter as the natural early riser who spent another night in the gambler's room had pulled the curtains aside, giving it access to the sleeping occupant in the large bed. The sun succeeded where it had failed the previous day, it woke the heavy sleeper with its intrusion into the normally dark room, it was something new and it welcomed the opportunity to do what it did to the other occupants of the small town, it caused the gambler to wake at an ungodly hour.
Ezra knew it was a dream, it had to be, they wouldn't wake him at this time of day, it was too early for him, they knew that, they wouldn't dare wake him now. So the light that was forcing itself into his mind couldn't be real, it had to be part of a dream. He heard a soft moan and knew that it came from his own dry throat, he pulled the cover up over his head to keep the light out but it was pulled back down. It wasn't a dream, they really were waking him, he rolled over in protest and tried to pull the cover back up, it was pulled out of his hand.
"Come on Ezra, time to get up." Chris smiled down at him.
"This is not a time Mr Larabee." Ezra's voice was heavy with sleep.
Chris frowned at the use of his last name but decided that it was because Ezra was still half-asleep. "Yes it is Ezra, it's called morning." He sat down on the bed and roughly patted his shoulder. "If you stay in bed your breakfast will get cold."
"I prefer to sleep." Ezra mumbled as he used his arm in an effort to swipe Chris's hand away.
"I prefer you eat, you've slept long enough Ezra." Chris had been grateful when Ezra's nightmare didn't return allowing him to sleep peacefully for the rest of the night. He had gotten at least sixteen hours of sleep with only one interruption that was enough, it was now time to get him to eat something.
"Not long enough." He rolled back over putting his back between himself and Chris and tried to push his head back into the comfort of the pillow.
Chris pulled him back, placed his hand against his face, and then began to pat it gently at first then more roughly, when Ezra tried to push his hand away. "Come on Ezra. Buck and JD are going to a lot of trouble to make your breakfast, you don't want to disappoint them."
Ezra grimaced and forced his eyes open, he glared up at Chris's smiling face and grabbed his hand, pushing it away from his face. "With the way they cook it won't be a disappointment."
***
The lamps that lit the saloon added to the natural light of the sun as it cast shadows over the only occupants of the main room. They had only arrived a few minutes earlier, some of them lighting the lamps while the others laid the food out on the table, each quietly hoping that Ezra had had a decent night’s sleep. They now sat at the table in silence waiting for Chris and Ezra to come down, Chris had told Buck the night before when he had gone up to Ezra's room to check on him that he was going to bring Ezra down early and get him to eat something.
They looked up when they heard the pounding footsteps on the balcony above them, they saw Ezra bounding down the stairs in only his trousers and a plain white shirt that wasn't tucked in, Chris was following him, a frown seemed to be permanently fixed to his rugged features. Their eyes turned to the scowl that was on Ezra's unshaven face, their own expressions turning into frowns that matched their leaders.
Ezra walked to the table in the center of the room and ignored the chair that Josiah pulled out for him and sat down in the other empty chair next to Buck without looking at anyone while Chris sat in the one that Josiah had offered to the gambler. Ezra knew they were staring at him, they always were, they had all probably come to enjoy the show. He was angry at being woken so early in the morning, they knew he liked to sleep late and yet Chris forced him to wake up at this ungodly hour of the day, he hated mornings and the last thing he wanted to do at this time of day was eat.
He was also angry because of the dreams, he felt helpless, he couldn't get them stop, he was angry at the emotions that he was feeling, he hated crying every time someone spoke to him about what happened. It was all becoming too much for him again and that made him even angrier, he wanted their help, needed their help but it caused him to feel out of control, he wasn't used to it. Yesterday he had spoken openly to Chris about things and today all he wanted to do was push them away. He knew it was because of the mood he was in from being woken up early but it didn't stop him from showing his anger.
"Morning Ezra." Buck smiled at him.
"I know it is." Ezra retorted.
"Sleep alright Ezra?" Vin asked. He was sitting on the other side of Buck and had to lean slightly forward so he could get a better look at Ezra's face as he asked the question. The area under his eyes was still dark against his pale skin but his eyes were clear and bright, he didn't fail to notice that they were also full of anger.
"I would have slept fine if Chris didn't wake me up." Ezra didn't hide the sarcasm.
"He only had one nightmare, he slept fine otherwise." Chris informed them as he ignored the foul look that Ezra shot his way.
"Ezra, I made you some eggs, beans and bacon. You want some?" JD asked him as he filled a plate for him.
"No. It's bad enough that I was forced out of my bed at this hour, I shouldn't have to be forced to eat something you made."
Nathan took the plate from JD and placed it in front of Ezra who pushed it away without even a glance at its contents.
Chris pushed it back in front of him, Ezra pushed it away with enough force to cause the beans to spill from the plate onto the table and then glared at Chris, the expression on his face was easily readable, it was challenge. Josiah put a hand on Chris's arm, stopping him from pushing the plate back.
"What about coffee Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"He doesn't need coffee Josiah, he needs food." Nathan argued with him.
"I don't need either of them." Ezra joined the argument. Nathan and Josiah both looked at him, Ezra smiled in return but his expression held no humour.
"He has to eat Josiah, he didn't have anything at all yesterday, he's just going to get sick." Nathan looked back at Ezra. "If he's not sick already that is."
"I thought I was no longer your responsibility." Ezra growled at Nathan.
"I'm sorry Ezra, I shouldn't have said those things." Nathan watched as Ezra's eyes quickly turned away from him.
"Why don't you just try something Ezra, please."
"No."
"Ezra!" Chris growled at him.
"What? You know I don't eat at this time of the day."
Josiah rose from his chair and moved to Ezra's side, he knelt down next to him and put his hand on his arm. "Ezra would you eat something for me please."
"Don't start Josiah." Ezra warned him as he pulled his arm out from under Josiah's hand.
"He's not starting anything Ezra, he just wants you to eat something like the rest of us do." Chris told him, he knew what was coming and he hoped that Josiah realised it also and had enough sense to stop before he pushed Ezra too far. Ezra was in a bad mood and shouldn't be pressured in an area that he wasn't ready to deal with or talk about, he already had enough problems and it was these problems that were stopping him from forcing Ezra to eat something.
"Yes he is, he started it weeks ago."
Chris saw Josiah's confusion and realised that he had no idea what Ezra was talking. Ezra had kept his thoughts well hidden so he wouldn't hurt Josiah's feelings but he could tell that he was ready to do that now. He inwardly groaned and sunk lower in his chair and waited for the outburst that he knew would occur if Josiah pushed Ezra any further in the wrong direction.
"What are you talking about Ezra?" Josiah asked him.
"Go away Josiah." Ezra growled at him, he turned his angry stare to him, his eyes holding another challenge.
"Don't push him Josiah." Chris pleaded with him.
The others were watching the scene unfold before their eyes, they knew that Josiah now felt closer to Ezra, that he treated him more like a son than a friend but they didn't know how Ezra had felt about it, they were about to find out.
"Why not? I want to know why he's pushing me away." Josiah returned the challenge. "Well Ezra? This is the second time you've asked me to go away and I want to know why."
Ezra looked across at Chris and watched as the gunslinger shook his head at him, Ezra turned his eyes back to Josiah. "I'm not your son Josiah so stop treating me like I am." he told him in a cold voice. Chris groaned and slid even further down into his chair.
"I'm sorry Ezra, I was only trying to help you." Josiah muttered as he got up and walked back to his own seat.
"No you weren't, you were trying to be a father." Ezra growled at him.
"That's enough Ezra." Buck glared at him, Josiah didn't deserve to be treated in such a way, he had only wanted to help Ezra deal with his problems in a way that he thought would help him.
"No it isn't Buck." Ezra stood up and the chair fell behind him. "I don't need a father and I don't want one. The one I had was enough, I don't need another one like him!"
"Ezra." Chris moaned.
"What did you expect, it's your fault for getting me up so early. At least this is something that I won't blame on myself." He paused for a moment as he looked around the table seeing the looks of concern. "I don't need any of this!" He walked away from the table and out the front door of the saloon.
"I guess that's another meal he's talked his way out of." Vin threw his own fork back onto the table, his appetite had suddenly disappeared.
"Not yet." Chris growled as he picked up a couple of warm biscuits and two cups of coffee. He looked at Josiah before leaving the table. "I'm sorry Josiah, Ezra's felt that way for a while, he didn't want to say anything before."
"So what changed his mind?" Josiah asked bitterly.
"I'm going to find out." Chris went through the saloon doors backwards so he didn't spill the coffee. He turned once he was free of the doors and found Ezra sitting in one of the chairs, he could see the emotions as he struggled to control them, it wasn't only having to get up early that angered the gambler. He now knew that there was something else that was causing him to be so angry.
"What's wrong Ezra?" he asked him as he sat down in the chair next to him.
"I told you, I don't like getting up this early." Ezra kept his eyes down both from the fear of Chris seeing what was in them and to keep the brightness of the rising sun from boring its way into his mind.
Chris handed him a biscuit and had to wait a couple of minutes before Ezra took it, he didn't hesitate when he took the coffee from him. Ezra gingerly took a bite out of the biscuit and then a mouthful of coffee to wash it down, he grimaced at the taste of both.
"Those two should really learn how to cook." Ezra muttered before he took another bite.
"There's something else Ezra. What is it?" Chris sat back in the chair and waited, he had all day.
Ezra allowed the biscuit to fall to the boardwalk and rubbed his face with his free hand so he could cover his eyes, he was going to make sure that no tears fell this time. "I'm sick of it Chris, all of it, the nightmares, the emotions, the tears. All I want to do is push you all away so I don't have to keep going through it, I don't have any control over it and I hate that." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes against the tears but they were there. He put the cup down and pushed himself out of the chair, he walked towards the railing while he roughly wiped his eyes and crossed his arms, he hung his head, and allowed his chin to fall to his chest. "I hate being out of control."
"Ezra . . ."
"What Chris? What piece of advice are you going to give me this time?" He turned to face him. "What can you possibly say that would make me feel any better?"
"I didn't have any control when Sarah and Adam were killed, you can't have control after something like that anyway." Chris turned his eyes from Ezra to the still empty street before him. "It took me a long time before I dealt with it and that only happened because Buck didn't give up on me. There are still times where I don't have any control over my emotions Ezra, I still cry even now." His blue eyes moved back to his friend's hunched shoulders. "Ezra look at me."
"No, you’re going to make me cry again."
Chris smiled and got up out of the chair and walked towards Ezra, he took his arms and turned him around but his head stayed down, he used his hand to lift his face, the green eyes were already moist. "There's not a lot I can say Ezra but I will say this though. I'm not going to give up on you, none of us are, we've come too far for that and so have you."
Ezra pulled himself away from him and wiped his eyes once more, he went back to the chair and sat down.
"Sometimes I just wish you would, I hate this Chris, this is nothing compared to what you went through, I should be able to handle it all better."
"It's not the same Ezra but what you have been through, not just now but all your life is just as bad. All these emotions are new to you, you just haven't learnt how to deal with them properly yet that's all. Don't worry Ezra, you'll get there, it's just going to take time."
"That's what everyone keeps telling me and I'm sick of that too!" Ezra threw his head back and Chris winced as it hit the wall behind him. "I accepted everything, your friendship, your concern, everything. I told myself that I wasn't going to push any of you away again but it's all I want to do now, especially Josiah. Why did he have to make it so complicated?"
"He was only trying to give what he thought you never had, he thought that it would help you get through this."
"I did have it once, for five years, I don't want it again." Ezra mumbled as he looked down the street, a distant memory clouding his mind, he didn't see Mrs Potter as she waved to them, or the frown that crossed her features when he didn't respond to her greeting, he quickly pushed the memory away.
"Your father, he didn't . . ."
"I don't want to talk about him Chris." Ezra turned his head back towards him. "Ever! So don't ask me about him again."
"Sure Ezra, I'll talk to Josiah for you, I'll ask him to back off."
"I don't need you to talk to Josiah for me I can do that myself." Ezra growled at him.
"Not until you calm down Ezra, I don't want you to talk to him the way you did in there, he didn't deserve that."
Ezra laughed, he found it uncanny sometimes how this man reminded him so much of his father, it was probably why he had disliked him so much when he first met him. They were both full of anger, hate and regret but he had found a better side to Chris, a side that he deeply respected and liked, he wondered if his father would have changed.
"You were a good father weren't you Chris." Ezra smiled at him but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"So Sarah kept telling me." He leaned against the railing and watched as the sadness filled Ezra's eyes.
"Mine wasn't."
"If you ever do want to talk about him Ezra I'll be here to listen."
"I'd rather shoot myself." Ezra's voice was bitter. "Why the hell did I ever stay here, I wouldn't be going through this crap if I had just kept going."
"You don't mean that Ezra, things will get better, I promise."
"Yes I do." Ezra got out of his chair and headed to the saloon doors, he stopped when Chris came forward and grabbed his arm.
"No you don't Ezra, you’re angry, when you calm down you'll see it differently."
"No I won't!" Ezra pulled his arm free and walked through the saloon doors with Chris following him. "I should never have come to this town and I sure as hell should never have stayed!"
"Ezra!"
Ezra turned on his heel to face him. "I told you Chris, I'm sick of it and at the moment I would do anything to stop it."
He swayed slightly as a wave of dizziness overcame him but Chris didn't notice, he was too shocked at Ezra's statement..
Chris quickly stepped forward and after grabbing Ezra's arm, he pulled him to the table where the others sat with shocked expressions. "If you think that you’re going to be left alone for a minute after that comment Ezra then you’re going to have to think again."
Ezra struggled to get away from him. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that." He yelped out in pain as Chris squeezed his arm and pushed him down into the chair.
"I don't know that Ezra, you were going to do it in the saloon that day when we found out what your Uncle did." Chris scowled at Buck who was sitting in the chair next to Ezra and he jumped out of it so Chris could sit down. "You told me that you weren't going to shoot yourself Ezra but I worked it out later, you were going to do it."
"I . . . " Ezra didn't know what to say so he shut his mouth again.
"I what Ezra, I wasn't going to do it. I was only trying to keep you away from me. What?" Chris leaned forward. "I know you’re going through a lot Ezra, you haven't had time to deal with what your Uncle and Aunt did to you and now all this guilt about what that potion did but if you ever. . . "
"Don't forget my surrogate father." Ezra was looking at Josiah when he said this and he regretted the words when he saw the hurt cross the ex preacher's eyes.
"EZRA!" Everyone jumped, including Ezra, he looked back at Chris. "That's enough!" Chris took a moment and tried to calm down. "Ezra if you ever do anything that stupid then I will know that you ran out on me again, on us. Do you understand what I'm saying Ezra."
"Thanks Chris, just make me feel worse why don't you."
"I think you’re doing enough of that yourself Ezra and you need to stop, you'll never get through it if you keep being so hard on yourself." Chris told him.
"You remind me of him." Ezra admitted. "My father, you remind me of him."
Chris didn't like the sound of that, not after Ezra telling him that he wasn't a good father. "I thought you didn't want to talk about him." Chris smiled but it was forced.
"I don't."
"You were going to shoot yourself?" JD muttered, the shock now evident in his voice as well as on his face. Ezra couldn't answer him, he wouldn't even look at him.
"Is that true Ezra?" Buck demanded to know.
"What else was I supposed to do? You were all forcing me to go through a hell that I didn't want to deal with. I thought it was the only way out."
"You would have killed yourself?" Nathan was dumbfounded, he had suspected it but always denied it because he thought the Southerner was too stubborn to do something like that.
"Yes I would have and I wanted to!" Ezra turned to the table. "Is that what you want to hear, is it! Well your right and now I'm beginning to regret not going through with it!" Ezra tried to get up so he could get away from them but both Chris and Buck pushed him back down.
"Hell Ezra. Why didn't you tell us this before?" Buck asked as he knelt down so he could look up into his eyes.
"All of you gave me a feeling I never had before, you cared about me, you were concerned, I didn't want that to change to pity, I didn't want to lose what you gave me." Ezra could feel the tears as they began to build while his chest tightened. "Here I go again." He wiped them away as they fell. "I really am sick of this Chris, I don't want it anymore!"
"You don't want what anymore?" Josiah asked him, he was hesitant in taking part of the conversation in case Ezra pushed him away but he decided to try, his friend was going through too much.
"Are you asking as a father or a friend?" Ezra's head hung low, one hand pressed against his eyes to stop the tears that he was beginning to hate.
"A friend Ezra, if you don't want the other I'll stop."
"I don't want the other Josiah, I'm sorry but I don't want that, not now, not ever."
"Is that what you’re sick of Ezra, me trying to be a father figure." Josiah couldn't stop his own pain from sounding in his voice.
"No Josiah," Chris spoke up for Ezra, "he's not coping with all of this, the emotions, the dreams. That's what he's sick of, he wants to push us away so he can get back the control that he thinks he needs to deal with it all. What Ezra doesn't realise is that this is normal and that he needs time to deal with it. If you were in control at the moment Ezra then I would think that you have put it all behind one of those walls that you build to protect yourself. All of these emotions tell me that you’re not doing that that you’re trying to deal with them with our help."
"Chris is right Ezra you can't expect to be in control after what you've been through, no one would be." Buck told him.
Ezra turned his pain filled gaze to Buck who was kneeling next to his chair. "How did you get Chris through it?"
"What do you mean?" Buck gave Chris a questioning look.
"I told him that we weren't going to give up on him just like you didn't with me." Chris explained as he stared at Ezra, something else was coming, he knew it but he just didn't know what.
"He went through hell Ezra just like you are, I didn't think I was ever going to get him back, I just kept pushing him like we did with you and made sure that he knew that I was there when he was ready."
"So in other words he had to do most of it himself, he had to deal with it on his own." Ezra growled down at him.
"I knew how to deal with it Ezra, I just didn't want to, Buck had to wait until I was ready. Ezra you want to but you don't know how to, that's why were helping you through it, were here for you Ezra, you shouldn't worry about your emotions, you shouldn't be embarrassed about them, they need to come out Ezra, just keep talking to us about how you feel, don't shut us out, not now." Chris said carefully, he was beginning to think that Ezra was trying to find something that would allow him to push them away and not feel bad about doing it.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, I've had enough, I just want it gone." Ezra muttered more to himself than to Chris, he quickly rose from his chair but before they could stop him, he sat down again just as quickly, his hands gripping the chairs arms so he wouldn't fall.
"Ezra, you okay?" Nathan asked as he moved from his chair to Ezra's side within seconds.
"I'm fine." Ezra tried to push him away. "I just felt a bit dizzy that's all."
"And do you want to know why you felt dizzy Ezra?" Nathan didn't stop to think about what he was saying. "It's because you won't do what I tell you, if you had eaten like I told you to this wouldn't . . . " Nathan stopped when he saw the guilt and anger that replaced the pain that had been in Ezra's eyes.
"Get away from me Nathan!" Ezra practically spat at him, he violently pushed himself out of the chair and away from the others, he began to walk towards the stairs when Nathan grabbed him.
"I'm sorry Ezra I didn't think."
"It has nothing to do with not thinking Nathan, you blame me too, just like everyone else does, you’re the only who'll admit it." Ezra retorted as he pushed him away again, he turned back to the stairs but another wave of dizziness rushed through him and this time he couldn't stay upright, he fell to the floor hitting his head on the thick hand railing on his way down.
They all watched Ezra fall, knowing that there was nothing they could do to stop him, one moment he was standing there expressing the anger that he had been feeling which allowed them to realise that he thought they all blamed him for what had happened and the next he crumpled to the floor in an unmoving heap. Nathan had been the closest but even he couldn't catch Ezra before he hit the floor. They joined Nathan at his side, expecting him to be unconscious and bleeding from a head wound but when they turned him onto his back, they saw his green eyes staring back at them and then he started to try to push them away.
He just needed a moment that was all but they weren't going to give him one. He could feel Nathan's hands on him, looking for an injury that wasn't there. He pushed him away but other hands held him down, he struggled against their grip but he still felt nauseas so they were able to keep their hold on him easily. He could see the concern on the faces of the men who leaned over him, he tried to get up but was pushed back down, both from the dizziness that he still felt and the hands that still held him. He tried one last exhausting effort to get them away and failed.
"Stay still Ezra, I just want to make sure you’re alright." Nathan said soothingly as he expertly used his hands to feel for any lumps on Ezra's skull, he held his head still with one hand and used the other to lift each eyelid so he could check that his pupils were normal and even. "Did you hit your head?"
"No." He lied, they didn't need to know, the pain from hitting his head on the railing was already easing. "I'm fine Nathan I just fell that's all so you can leave me alone."
He held up two fingers in front of Ezra's eyes. "How many do you see?"
"Two." He answered reluctantly.
"Did you black out at all Ezra?" Nathan asked, his voice full of concern and guilt, he deeply regretted what he had said to him.
"No! I told you I didn't hit my head, I felt dizzy that's all!" Ezra growled at him.
"Before or after you fell?"
"Before and I still do." He tried to sit up again. "Will you please let me get up off the floor!"
"You’re sure you didn't black out? It's important Ezra." Nathan placed a hand against the cool skin of Ezra's face and looked into the green eyes that stared back at him.
"I told you I didn't, now get off me!" He glared at the face before him, his anger still evident in his eyes as he pulled his head away from the large hand that covered half of his face.
"And you didn't hit your head?" Nathan repeated the question, he needed to be sure that Ezra hadn't hit his head.
"NO!" Ezra repeated as he became even more agitated.
"Okay Ezra, just take it easy." Nathan took one of Ezra's arms while Chris took the other and they carefully helped him stand up. "You okay, still feeling dizzy?" He watched Ezra nod as he tried to keep himself from falling back down.
"You're going to eat something Ezra and I don't want an argument."
"Only if the food is cooked by someone else."
"Ezra, just for once can you do what Nathan asks of you without giving him an argument." Josiah told him sternly as he put his hand on his shoulder, he felt him tense up under his touch.
"Get the hell away from me Josiah! Stop trying to be my father!" Ezra's face held the disgust that he felt towards his own father.
Josiah flinched back from the disgusted look that he thought was aimed at him, the emotion bore its way into his soul as a bullet would enter his flesh, it tore him apart and left him bleeding, the tears falling from his eyes as blood would pour from a flesh wound. He didn't attempt to help grab Ezra as his knees began to buckle once more, he stepped back as he quickly wiped his eyes and watched as Nathan and Chris pulled him back up and then lead him to one of the chairs at the table that still held the uneaten breakfast. Josiah walked to one of the other tables and sat down, his eyes never straying from the man who for some reason was now holding a lot of anger towards him.
"You okay Ezra?" Buck asked as he sat down in the chair next to him, he watched as he carefully nodded his head.
"Good, I want you to apologise to Josiah."
"For what?" Ezra leaned back and closed his eyes while he waited for the nausea to pass.
"I'll go and get Ezra something from the restaurant." Vin informed Nathan as he walked away from the table. "JD you want to give me a hand?" JD practically ran out of the saloon after him.
"Ezra!" Chris sat down on his other side.
Ezra lifted his head and opened his eyes, his hand quickly moved to hold his head up, the fingers of his right hand pressing against his forehead, his eyes looked upwards to the blue eyes that were beginning to show the anger that Chris was feeling but he didn't care. Josiah wasn't going to stop trying to be the father figure that he didn't want and they were making him think of something that he didn't want to think about - his father. First, they made him remember what his Aunt and Uncle did, forced him to bring the memory and emotions to the front of his mind and now this, he didn't want it, any of it.
Yesterday he was grateful for what they had done for him but now he was angry, with Josiah, Nathan and Chris. It was what he hated, being out of control. His emotions were uneven, up one day and down the next; it was this lack of control that made him angry. He needed control, he couldn't survive without it, it was something they couldn't and wouldn't understand and it was all happening because Josiah wanted to be his father, this had brought another type of anger to the surface.
"I told you he's only trying to help." Chris growled at him, he knew Ezra was going through a lot but he didn't like the way he was treating Josiah, there wasn't any reason for it.
"I don't want his help." Ezra looked across the room at Josiah, he could see that he had hurt his friend, he knew that he was trying to help him but he didn't want to be reminded of his father, he turned his gaze to Chris, another man who brought his father's memory back but for different reasons. "And I don't want your help either."
"You’re pushing us away. Why?" Chris was stunned but he hid it well, Ezra had been dealing with everything until he had found those cards, he was now reverting back to his old ways.
"Because you’re making me think about someone I don't want to think about, you’re not going to force me to remember him. I won't let you!" His eyes moved back to Josiah. "I don't want a father figure so keep him away from me."
"Ezra . . . " Buck couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore Buck." Ezra warned him, he leaned back again, his head resting on the top of the chair, his eyes closed as he shut out those around him. He wanted to stand up and walk away from them but he didn't trust his legs to hold his weight.
"Ezra?" It was Nathan's voice, he was behind him. "I'm sorry, I don't blame you for what happened. I was angry, you’re getting sick and I'm angry because I can't help you."
"It's not your fault Nathan, I'm the one that won't do as he's told remember, this is my fault just like everything else."
Ezra waved at hand at him as if to wave away the guilt that he knew Nathan was feeling. Someone grabbed it and held onto it, his head jerked upright and his eyes flew open to find Josiah standing over him.
"I'll stay away Ezra but only if you don't shut the others out." Josiah offered him a compromise.
"I won't talk about him." Ezra negotiated.
"You don't have to Ezra." Chris told him.
He leaned his head back and listened as Josiah walked away, his footsteps sounding heavier than they usually did, he reminded himself that he didn't want to remember and pushed the guilt that he felt to the back of his mind. He heard a chair scrape against the saloon floor and heard more footsteps as someone else left but he didn't open his eyes to see who it was.
Chris watched Josiah's retreating back for moment, he stood up and followed him out of the saloon, he found him standing on the boardwalk with his arms crossed, the rejection showing on his face.
"You alright Josiah?"
"He wants to talk about him, why else would he keep bringing him into the conversation, he wants us to push him on it just like we did with everything else." Josiah explained to him instead of answering the question of concern.
"I'm not so sure Josiah, he's been talking about things more freely lately, he wouldn't shut us out just so we could force him to talk. I think we should let it go for a while, if he wants to talk about his father I'm sure that he'll do it when he's ready."
"And in the meantime he doesn't want anything to do with me." Josiah hung his head. "I only wanted to help him and now he's pushed me away."
"I'm sorry Josiah, I don't know why he's doing this, he was fine yesterday." Chris tried to reassure him but he knew it would be no use. "I'll talk to him later, after he's eaten something and his mood has improved."
"I'll be in the church if he changes his mind." Josiah turned his back and walked towards the church, his arms still crossed as though they could hold in the strong emotions that he was feeling, his head still down so people wouldn't see the tears. He didn't think it would hurt this much but it did, it only proved to him how much he had come to care for Ezra like a son.
Chris walked back into the saloon. He stood inside the door for a moment and watched Ezra, he was still sitting in the chair with his head back and his eyes closed. He wondered what it was that was going through the gambler's mind, he looked paler than the white shirt he was wearing, it hung off him due to the loss of weight. Buck and Nathan sat on either side of him, their own eyes watching him, he didn't move under their scrutiny. He saw the grimace show on his handsome face and like Josiah had done before him, he wondered if he got his looks from his father.
He walked quietly to the table and sat down opposite Ezra. "He's not asleep is he?"
"No I'm not." Ezra lifted his head off the chair and looked at Chris, he could see the accusation and ignored it, Chris didn't know his reasons and he wasn't going to tell him.
All eyes turned to the saloon doors as the bartender and a couple of regulars entered and made their way to the bar, they tipped their hats in greeting to the gunmen and carried on with their own routines.
"You still feeling dizzy Ezra?" Nathan asked him as he looked back at him, he could see that he had become even paler, he was getting sick and Ezra wouldn't let him help him.
"A bit Nathan, not as bad though."
"You'll feel better once you've eaten something." Nathan frowned at him as he grimaced. "You sure you’re okay?"
"Yes I'm fine." Ezra told him as he tried to ignore the headache that had started at the back of his head and now worked its way forward. He lifted his hand and rubbed the area on the left side of his head, he was surprised when he hadn't been knocked out, he had hit the railing pretty hard.
"Ezra?" Chris waited for an answer so he knew that he was listening.
"Umm?" He continued to massaged his head and then realised that they would notice what he was doing, he removed his hand and looked at Chris, the accusation was no longer there, he wondered how long it would be before it came back.
"We don't blame you for what happened."
"What?" Ezra was confused for a moment.
"Before you fell you said that we blamed you, that Nathan was the only one who admitted it. We don't blame you Ezra."
"I know, I was angry, I'm sorry Nathan." He eyes were downcast, his hands grasped together as they tried to find something to do.
"Josiah's not feeling too good at the moment." Chris told him.
"I don't care." Ezra lied, he saw their expressions and disregarded them.
"Why not?" Buck asked him.
Ezra ignored him and turned away, he looked at the saloon doors hoping for a distraction, one came in the form of Vin and JD when they marched into the saloon with a small tray of food in JD's hands. He saw the expressions of confusion when they saw that Josiah wasn't there with him.
JD placed the tray on the table in front of Ezra, he pulled the damp cover that had soaked up the steam away from the plate revealing eggs, bacon and beans. Ezra looked sideways at Nathan, his face not hiding the disdain that he felt towards the greasy food. He ignored the plate and Nathan's expression, which was telling him to eat what, was on the plate, he picked up one of the warm biscuits and took a bite. The taste was an improvement on what he had tried earlier but for a moment he thought his stomach wasn't going to agree with him, he could feel in roll in protest, it had been empty for more than a day and wanted to stay that way.
"Where's Josiah?" Vin asked Chris as he sat down next to him.
"Ezra's decided to push us away again." Chris's explained, he saw Vin nod in understanding.
"Why?" JD didn't understand.
"Something to do with his father." Buck told him as he watched the anger return to Ezra's eyes.
Ezra didn't hold back, he turned his angry gaze to Buck. "I told you I didn't want to talk about it, why won't you leave it alone!" He stood up quickly and swayed a moment, he felt Nathan's hands as he stood up to help him. "Get the hell away from me!" He pushed Nathan back down into the chair, he stormed away leaving his anger hanging heavily around the table, the food remained untouched except for one bite.
"Go with him Vin, I don't want him left on his own, not after what he said before and take some of those biscuits with you." Chris ordered him as he turned his own eyes to Buck. "Don't push him Buck, he doesn't want to talk about his father. I don't want the man mentioned again." His eyes were cold. "Do you understand me?" Buck squirmed down into his chair and nodded.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
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